Posting Here

What if I don't have anything to say? What if I don't have time to say it the way I want to? What about the spiritual discipline of secrecy? What, who, why... these questions are starting to wear on me. I've enjoyed this blog immensely, and it's been fun to share my thoughts with whoever wants to read. But this is supposed to be my space to be with God. I think in the new year it may be time for me to take these thoughts out of the public realm.

I want to be more honest with You Lord, and having our conversations in front of everybody sometimes makes me hold back. So... yea...

We'll see what the new year holds.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Sixteen

Thank You first of all. Gideon was able to sleep through the night last night and that is awesome. I feel like I actually was able to get some shut eye without worrying whether Courtney was getting mad at me because she was having to rock him to sleep, and without having to rock him to sleep myself, or even feel bad about letting him "cry it out." SO thanks. That is a big prayer request that has been answered.

And thanks to for the beautiful snow. I really hope that it stays around throughout the Christmas season, and was kind of hoping that it would cause a delay for us this morning. But either way, I'm grateful for the beauty that just happens, that we have nothing to do with but that we get to enjoy.

I've been thinking and studying this week, as the last Advent Sunday approaches, about the topic of obedience. The best way that I can describe it so far is living, going about our business in a Godly manner, and then all the sudden Your presence falls all around us and we stand back and are amazed at the beauty. Like the snow that hangs on the tips of all of the trees.

So for me, that means, instead of focusing on how I need to wait, I actually need to focus on how I will obey. Certainly yesterday I left the topic of waiting a bit to talk about my anemic prayer life. So that is perhaps an area where further effort could be focused. Also, discipline in general could be an area of obedience. I certainly have "fallen off the wagon" since, I don't know, Thanksgiving or so. I can't really name why other than that I've just been super tired. But You are renewing me every day.

I would love to give more thought to this. And I'm going to. Today at school, I'm having my 7th grade students consider a "Rule of Life." It's a discipline plan of spiritual disciplines and how often they are going to use them. I'm going to sit down and make my plan. I'm then going to post it here, and then I will stick with it. Today, this is where my obedience will begin.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Fifteen

I often have difficulty right now sitting down and praying. When I start praying the list of things that I need to pray for seems overwhelming, and so I get through praying for Courtney and Gideon and then I simply stop. Sometimes I get started on the next topic of prayer, which is intermittently Exodus or my brother or sister or her boyfriend, or some random events at school, or tennis, or whatever... but rarely do I spend a significant amount of time in prayer.

And I know that prayer is not all about time. I know that we can offer short little prayers throughout the day. I know that prayer can be an attitude, an awareness, a .searching for Your presence and recognizing Your work. I suppose that is what this blog is, what I'm trying to do with these words and in these early mornings.

But intercessory prayer, I lack that ability to truly keep things things before on the behalf of others. I mean, really I lack that ability for myself too. I really admire parents who say they have prayed every day for the future path of their son or daughter. While I'm really concerned and trying to help guide Gideon the best that I can, I certainly haven't prayed for him even everyday. Some people will get real specific even and pray for the spouse of their child even when their child is young. I can't do that. I can't remember that many things.

The only success I've ever had with prayer was making a list. During tennis season, I made a list of all the players on my team and what I felt I needed to pray for them for. Then I would try everyday to go through that list. I didn't always make it through, but more often than not I remembered. In college I also made a list my senior year of all the things I needed to pray for each night on the side margins of my journal. Then I would pray through all of those side margins.

I need to make a list. I'm afraid it would become overwhelming, but I still need to make a list. It allows me to remember to pray at least. It will be constantly growing, constantly changing, but that will allow me to see even better how You are working in the lives of those around me.

As I think about waiting, prayer seems like one of those things I can control. Help me to do so with more regularity.

New Week, Still Waiting

Dear Lord,

Thank You for my family. Yesterday was Gideon's first birthday. It's amazing to watch children grow in their first year, and really it seems for the rest of life after that, even though we've only experienced the first year. At Gideon's party, it hit me that I'm actually a parent. Sometimes, loving and teaching and being with Gideon seems so natural that I don't think about the responsibility and privilege that it is. But when we were taking time to celebrate that yesterday, I did. I'm very grateful for the wonderful son You've given me.

And for my wife. She did a great job planning the details of the party. She is a wonderful woman, and I have a lot of love for her. This season of Christmas and Gideon's party seemed to be stressful on our relationship, and I don't like that. The tiredness and responsibilities of the time wear on us both. I guess my prayer is that You would help me be aware of what needs to be done, and then let me remember that I need to do it. When I have just a little energy, help me spend it on her.

I continue to pray for the church community as well. We certainly have some big changes coming up, and we're doing it because we think that is what You would have us do. They are going to be very difficult for me to keep up with, because they involve a lot of logistics, planning, and coordinating of details that I don't like or do well at. Many people have offered to help, and I pray that they can because otherwise this is not going to work. Beyond the schedule and responsibilites, I pray for the people of Exodus. We are still hurting, captives to ways of thinking about ourselves, about faith, about our own abilities to be wrong, about many things. We deal constantly with shifting circumstances, heavy loads of school work, lack of job security, or lack of certainty in general. We know and expect that You will provide. Work among us to provide.

My final prayer is that somehow You will begin to let Gideon sleep through the nights. I know it sounds like a crazy prayer request, but it affects so many things in Courtney and I's life. As we are up with him, we get so tired. When we are tired, we have trouble serving one another, we start to get snarky with one another, our relationship suffers. When I am tired, I have less patience and desire for community, relationship, and other responsibilities. My teaching suffers, and I end up with a pile of papers and projects to grade. We end up living life in frustration. I understand that sometimes we have to battle through things, and that the struggle makes us stronger, and I've tried to keep a good understanding of that as I trudge towards a crying baby at 2:15 AM. But I'm just worn out from that now. Please begin to move and work in this situation. Help us know what we could do differently. Or just help him sleep.

I pray and wait in expectation, in the name of Jesus Christ, and through the Holy Spirit, amen.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Eleven

You know what I need before I even say a thing.

In celebrating waiting here, before we get to Christmas season, I have to say I have actually struggled in the pursuit of Your presence. It hasn't been the normal holiday craziness that we often can claim, and how that holiday busyness keeps us away from You. That's what is concerning to me though. Because it is not just the extra stresses of the season, then the blame must fall fully on me. I'm tired though, of starting every conversation with You with self-indictment. Yes, I haven't been the best follower, call it failure if You want, but this is my effort at repentance. I am ready to walk in the opposite direction today, in the direction that leads to You.

As I read the psalm today, I realize what a weak view I have of myself. The last line of the psalm is to "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." I find that very interesting. Those of us who hope, who have been crying to You and repenting, actively clearing space for You in our lives, now we are to be strong because of our hope. It's interesting, You would think that with all the acknowledgment of how broken we are, and a view of how great You are, that we would be told to stay weak. But there is this encouragement to be strong.

I really wonder what be strong entails. When I looked it up just now in the original language, it seems to indicate a making strong, a rebuilding, a repairing. So when the verse says be strong, it is actually talking about restore and repairing the places we are damaged. And we do that because we hope in the Lord.

Okay, I'm damaged. Okay, I've been tired and I lack discipline. Okay, I will be strong and take heart. My cry today then changes, I know that You are the One who restores. Come and join me in the process of putting my life back together in a responsible, disciplined, Christ-like way. It's not that it has been terribly bad, it's not like I've fallen off the deep end, but it will be good to have Your hands moving with mine to keep everything in check. Thank You Father. Amen.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Seven

It's amazing how easy it is to be undisciplined on the weekends. My eating gets out of order, my exercise time is nill, and my time in the Word is usually rushed. When I have the most time, I spend it poorly. Well, that's not entirely true. Saturdays are difficult because we sleep in, Gideon joins us in bed, and then when we get up we make pancakes and coffee and listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite family tradition. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it means that my devotional time cannot be right after I get up. Same with my exercise time.

Sundays I have no excuses, although I am usually up before Courtney and Gideon, I usually just like to chill out. Like this weekend I just wanted to watch Sportscenter and eat a slow breakfast. But still, I have the whole rest of the day after church and I never use it wisely either.

So Monday seems like a re-acquaintance time. So without further explanation, let's jump into the text.

Psalm 25, Isaiah 5:8-23
"The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."

I can't tell You why, but I have felt stressed several times over the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep on a Monday night so I got up to watch TV in the middle of the night. Last night I tossed and turned all the way up to this mornings alarm. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. And that adds to the stress because I feel like I need to just turn my mind off and rest, but then I start worrying about whether I'm going to be able to do that and it all turns out as a big mess.

Thing that is driving me insane though is that I don't have anything that I'm really worried about. Christmas time isn't a stressful time for me. We've got most of our shopping done, I love spending time with family, and as of right now we don't have any more Christmas parties to go to. Gideon's birthday is next weekend, but that is pretty well set too. Just have to figure out decorations, but I don't get that stressed about things like that. School has been difficult the last couple weeks, but that has really settled down now. So I don't know what, exactly, is my problem.

As we head into a week of hope, I need to know that You are dedicated to freeing me from my anguish. I'm willing to take a look at my life and change things that need to be changed, but it means a lot to me to know that You are working to free me from unknown stresses as well. As the psalm also says, "My hope is in You all day long."

A Theology of Waiting: Day Four

Yesterday, I got on the tennis blog and wrote a long post about what constitutes success as a tennis team. My final verdict in the contemplation was that memories and relationships define success. So what defines success in my faith? Or since we are talking about waiting, what defines success at the end of the process of waiting?

It's an important question, because expectations often throw everything off. If I get really excited about Chinese food and then Courtney comes home and makes my favorite casserole, I'm still going to be a little sad. So it seems that I want to have the right expectations when it comes to this waiting time with You, Lord.

Interestingly, their is some promise of deliverance that goes along with the waiting. It is one of the things that we hope for, to be freed from our sins. But I'm going to say that being freed from your sins cannot be the definition of the success of waiting. Here's why: You are always going to sin. Sure it may be true that the Lord brings us out of an area of severe captivity, but human nature says that if we focus on that, our triumph over one area of temptation, then we will fall victim to another area of temptation. I feel like deliverance is certainly going to happen, it's just not the part that defines the success of our waiting.

The success then all goes back to what we are waiting for. I am waiting for Your presence. Therefore, if You show up, in whatever way that You choose, then my time of waiting has come to fruition. The scary thing (oh, please don't let this happen!) is that You could show up in many ways, like comfort for something that has gone drastically wrong. It wouldn't seem like success because of tragedy, yet it would be an answer to the time of waiting.

The end of Psalm 17 is what got me to thinking all of this. David writes about how he is crying to the Lord, has committed himself not to sin, served the Lord in righteousness, and is hoping for God's deliverance. All of these follow the themes of waiting that I have been contemplating this week. Crying, repentance, obedience, hope. But his final line sums up his view of the success of this prayer.

And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.

Satisfaction comes from seeing You. From seeing Your likeness. From being in Your presence. It not in the way You answer requests, the things we gather for ourselves, or even the deliverance that You provide. No, it is simply that we awake and You are there.

How can I live life without optimism then, without satisfaction. For even when I don't feel it, I know that You are there. How can I live my life downcast when the satisfaction we all seek is found in the smallest pleasure, enjoying the presence of our Creator.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Three

What am I learning today? That whenever I try to slow down and accomplish some devotion and time spent in waiting, the things of life try to speed me up. I know that there is spiritual "warfare" or whatever going on, but it feels weird to say the devil is trying to ruin things. But I guess that could be said.

This morning, I had an early teacher's meeting. So I planned to get up at 5:00, spend a half hour on the Advent passage, then go to the gym for a half hour. Gideon spoiled those plans with his fourth or fifth ear infection, I've lost count. He woke at 3:56 and kept me awake until about 5:00. At that point, I decided that I would sleep in until 6:00, then do my devotions during my prep period at school and go to the gym after school.

Then Courtney called me during the beginning of my prep period, informing me that I needed to go get medicine for Gideon and take it to the other side of Goshen this morning. I'm not happy about that, because it means my devotional time will have to get moved again. But I decided to say no to moving my time with You Lord. So, although it is a little briefer here, I am committed to fitting it in.

Psalm 18

I find it interesting that in the middle of Advent, which is about waiting, that we find a psalm in which the cry is answered and God "parted the heavens and came down." I mean, when I think about waiting, I think in large quantities of time. I guess, I don't think of it as something that is fairly immediately answered, like within 4 days of the start of Advent we're already at God coming down.

But it does get back at the point that I uncovered yesterday during my study time, that obedience is part of waiting. And the act of obedience at that, because in this psalm, God comes down and rewards the psalmist of the basis of "the cleanness of my hands." Based on the righteous acts he has performed or the unrighteous things that have been left undone, God's presence has come to the author in a saving way. And this psalm is also filled with mighty images, exposing the foundations of the earth and laying the seas bare and all. So God comes down in a mighty way to save those who wait.

Maybe that is why this is here. To remember that we are waiting in hope. That what we wait for will really happen. That we don't have to be waiting in vain, in despair, but instead with expectancy.

I know that we all hate formulas, so what I'm learning may be best expressed this way:

Biblical waiting is a combination, in some fashion of : crying, repentance, obedience, and hope.

Sounds like an Advent teaching series just lying in wait!

A Theology of Waiting: Day Two

Readings: Psalm 119:1-24, Isaiah 2:1-11

Yesterday, I came before You and searched the Scriptures to find that waiting begins with the cry and the act of repentance. Today the Scriptures are pointing to a very difficult piece of repentance that I struggle with, and I'll go out on a limb and say it's a piece that everyone struggles with. A huge part of repentance is obedience.

Repentance always seems really simple to me. My view on repentance has always been that it is about admitting our sins and feeling bad about them. It is about humbling ourselves before God's laws and God's presence. I've always thought, Lord, that I'm a fairly introspective person, and I don't mind admitting that I've done wrong. So many times I've come before you with admission of guilt.

But connecting the feeling of penance to actually changing the way I behave is much harder. I've tried all sorts of schemes, but it always seems that my self-control and my will power to live in accordance to Your word is not up to snuff with my ability to identify wrong. I know that I'm human, and I'll always be covered in sin, but the same things plague me day after day.

Repentance involves a turning away from things that take us away from You. Perhaps I should take up the chorus from Isaiah 2: "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths."

One of the reasons I seek Your presence in daily life is because I need to be filled with knowledge and desire to walk in Your ways and not my own. Obedience is the next action step after reflection. I pray that You can truly be inspiring that change in me during this Advent season.

What I've learned so far about waiting...
Waiting = Cry + Repentance + Obedience

A Theology of Waiting: Day One

Readings: Psalms 5 & 6, Isaiah 1:10-20

This year, Exodus is following the church calendar year and celebrating Advent. I've decided to pick up some readings and follow along as well. And I need to. The season of Advent is all about the coming of Your presence among us. The season of Advent celebrates Your power of deliverance, but acknowledges to begin with that there are times when we don't feel that You are with us at all. Maybe it is divine appointment, but I feel that I am in one of those times right now.

So as Psalm 5 says, I'm here this morning to lay my requests before You and begin the process of waiting in expectation. My request is rather simple, I want to want this again. Tiredness and distance have made this morning devotional time seem like a formality rather than a relished opportunity to commune with the Holy. I want this time to be like the times of my fast, where I was eager to seek Your presence. I have not taken the time since tennis season to wait on You with any expectation. Now I am slowing myself down and deciding to wait. Will You please honor that by showing up?

And so...what do I do in this waiting? That is the question I seek to figure out during this Advent season. I cannot be inactive and just assume Your work will relieve me of all responsibilities. I must be active in my faith, but the question is how?

First thing I notice from the psalms this morning is the cry. Look at all of these verses:
- Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.
- Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
- My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
- I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

I see from that set that the crying out part of waiting is important. I cannot be waiting on Your presence and be silent about it. That has been my problem since tennis season. In my hurried devotional times, I have read Scripture and not digested it. But my biggest mistake was not taking the time to pray. This blog is basically a prayer. My poetry blog is many things, but during the last cycle it wasn't really a prayer. So not posting here was a rushing of things, not a time saver at all. Here I bring before You my thoughts and words. Here I cry to You, I need Your presence!

Cry is important, I wish I could just stop with this because it seems focused for this morning. But there is certainly another strand wrapping through the readings this morning. That is the strand of obedience and right living. The strand of giving up our sinful attitudes. It is strong in Isaiah:
- Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.
- When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; even if you offer many prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood; wash and make yourselves clean.

That last Scripture especially hits home this morning. When I reach out to You in prayer, You will not receive unless I have washed an made myself clean. Repentance, it goes right along with waiting. Primary actions of waiting seem to include crying and repenting.

Maybe I should say a word about repenting too, it means that I am also committing to live rightly from this day forward. So that's my goal today. See my efforts Lord, my successes and my failures, but know that I will strive today to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" In the daily grind of the school day, help me to "seek justice, encourage the oppressed..."

And begin to come to me in Your presence, I am finally waiting.

Negative

I was thinking the yesterday about my attitude. KP came to give the middle school chapel, which was about thankfulness. She did a great job talking about choosing to be thankful in all things. I don't choose thankfulness very often, and even when I do it rarely comes naturally. Even Monday when I wrote to You here it was a struggle to stay on thankful terms.

I thought about it and despite my whole life being what I would call an optimist, somewhere in the course of the last several years I have begun to develop a negative attitude toward a lot of things in life. Call it realism, that's probably where I've been filing it, but really I can lack hope. I'm sure that it comes from experience: Every day I tell students to enter the classroom and sit down in there chairs and be ready for class, every day somebody doesn't do it. Every day I want to see my tennis players working hard and being self-motivated to come out and play tennis, every day somebody doesn't do it. And with Exodus, I'm not even sure what is going on there. That has been the biggest roller coaster I've ever been involved with.

But I want to be known as a joyful person, someone who keeps their cool and keeps their smile. Give me that strength to overcome the reality of suffering with the reality of hope. Let me recognize the beauty of transformation that You have put all around me. I choose to not be bogged down by the sameness and the effort, but be inspired by the moments where someone "gets it."

Today is a day where I want to leave negative behind and live by the Spirit. Let the fruit of joy be evident today!

Life is pretty good. I make it complicated with either sinful actions (lying, lusting, overeating) or by not fulfilling my responsibilities in a timely matter (taking classes for re-certification, not grading papers on time, etc.) I get so tired of all the responsibilities that I have to fulfill, but maybe if I would just complete them immediately, things wouldn't feel so tiring.

Anyways, I didn't want to talk to You today about complaints. I could nitpick my life for hours probably. In fact, even though that wasn't my intent, its what I'm leaning toward now that I'm typing and talking. But I want to steer clear of that, just know that I could use Your help.

Instead, I want to thank You. Sabbath is incredibly wholesome. Last week, while my wife was gone, I busied myself all throughout the weekend and then went to four different gatherings on Sunday. Didn't end up feeling like a Sabbath at all as I went from party to party with no rest. Then this weekend, we had the church gathering and then were home by 12:40. The rest of the day was beautiful. I played with my son, I held him while he took a nap, I cuddled with my wife, we watched some football (although I couldn't keep the wife from constantly changing the channel!), we made some breakfast for dinner, talked to my sister on the phone, went to bed early and Gideon basically slept through the night. It was good!

It days like that, I begin to realize what peace is. And I also guess I see that perhaps I need to simplify. If I want my regular life to be more like my Sabbath, with a balance of work and rest, then I probably do need to have less responsibility. I don't know how that will work though, but I'm trusting You. In the meantime, I'll just keep trying to fulfill all my obligations, and will continue looking forward to the times of Sabbath I can find, stopping and enjoying the beautiful family that You've provided for me.

Thank You Lord.

A Prayer for Hearing

Lord, I want to make time for You. Allow me the privilege of spending time in conversation with You. It's been increasingly difficult for me to find enough time to just sit and listen, to sit and pray, and our relationship has become hurried as a result. I do not want a rushed time, a distracted time. I just want to read Your word, ask You questions, hear Your guidance.

Even now as I make this attempt, the dog rolls around the room and threatens to go nuts. I know its my fault that he has been trapped in his room all weekend, but You know, I wish he could just deal with it right now so that we could talk. What we really need to talk about is Exodus. With Joel getting ready to take a sabbatical break, I am desperately asking for Your leading of the community. With the change in schedule looming, I am desperately calling for wisdom and help. We have built the church so far on the idea of struggle and suffering in service, and done very little of it. It is a scary proposition, to actually suffer on the behalf of others, to actually not do what we want to do with our Sundays and our weekends but to instead place our time in someone else's hands.

What it comes down to is that I've been comfortable with what we are doing, but what we are doing isn't necessarily fulfilling in the sense of what we started out to do. Not to mention that comfort was the opposite of our original goals. I love the people that have come along side each other as disciples in Exodus Community. I want to be faithful to the task of training and equipping them so that we all find that we are changing to be more like You. And I want to make sure to acknowledge that I don't make that change, a program change doesn't cause that transformation, but instead it is Your Spirit that transforms hearts and minds.

So this morning, my prayer is that You will be among us. As we move through a season of remembrance, and then seek You through Advent, come to us. As we begin to see changes in structure, be in them. In all of this, we seek Your face. Amen.

Short School Stresses

Father, I long to make this a day of listening. It seems to me that I also need to make this a day of responsibility. At school especially, I have let things become frustrating and overwhelming. I don't like the lessons that I'm teaching, and unfortunately this year I can't just say, well, it's math class so no big deal of they don't like it. I feel like I'm letting You down when I can't make the interpretation of the Bible an alive and real thing.

Another thing that encroaches on me right now is straight up tiredness. I want to fall asleep while I'm trying to teach a lesson to the students. It doesn't make for good teaching. In the morning, I need time to rest and not rush. In the afternoon, I need more time to plan. This combination of tiredness and school stress paralyzes me as far as school stuff goes my Lord.

Now, to You who has all power and extends all grace. I've poured out a new morning concern, I'm asking that You hear my cry and have mercy on me Lord. Thank You for Your blessings.

Another Round of the Hours

This is how my next several weeks of Bible reading is going to go. I'm going to do another round at praying the hours, trying to worship God at morning, noon and night. I am going to pair my prayer with some Bible reading, more in the morning and less in the days and nights, because of time issues. I will also post poetry again at matthewshours.blogspot.com, as a way of creatively engaging the texts. God, please bless these efforts to pursue our relationship. Please help the fruits of our relationship to bless others.

Plan for Devotions

Week 1:
--> Mornings - Romans - 2-3 chapters each day
--> Noons - 1 Thessalonians - several verses each day
--> Nights - 1 Timothy - several verses each day

Week 2:
--> Mornings - 1 Corinthians - 2-3 chapters each day
--> Noons - 2 Thessalonians - several verses each day
--> Nights - 2 Timothy - several verses each day

Week 3:
--> Mornings - 2 Corinthians - 2-3 chapters each day
--> Noons - Titus - several verses each day
--> Nights - Colossians - several verses each day

Week 4:
--> Mornings - Galatians - a chapter a day
--> Noons - Philemon - several verses each day
--> Nights - Philippians - several verses each day

Week 5
--> Mornings - Ephesians - a chapter a day
--> Noons - prayer - listening
--> Nights - Philippians - several verses each day

If I Could Stop Thinking

Last night was a restless one. I'm not sure why, but I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about tennis. Last Friday, headed into Sectional, that wasn't true. But tonight, moving into Regional on Tuesday, it was. I think there's probably a combination of things going on, like that I don't know who we play very well, I don't know if the guys will stay fired up and play well, and I'm not sure how to get them fired up to play well.

And there's this: I know that there is a lot more going on in my world than tennis. I wrote last week that in this time that we want to have intense self-focus heading into the state tournament, we really need to have intense others-focus. Tennis teaches a lot of things about life, but one thing it doesn't teach is that there's a lot more going on than you. So I wish I could stop thinking about tennis and begin to think about everything else that is special in life.

I do have to offer up my thanks once again. You answered prayer in a way of blessing throughout the weekend. Okay, sure, again that has to do mostly with tennis, and how You took bad situations and turned them good. But I feel like I must say that You were so involved in what happened, I don't want to claim any credit without acknowledging Your hands.

Thank You for my Sunday with Gideon as well, Sunday night it was fun to chase him and tickle him and hold him. I am going to miss him being a baby. Thanks for these memories though.

Thank You for my church. It does my heart very good to see everyone band together to help at Joel's house. So we didn't all get together for a hastily planned candlelight service at the school. We did all get together to provide for the needs of one of our members, and that is what is better, right?

I don't want to minimize the praise that You should get though. Behind the scenes and despite my frustration with people and situations, You're changing them. So that's what I'm asking this morning, keeping changing situations for the good. Keep changing people for the good. Be with me, change me to become more people oriented and not so self-focused. Keep bringing Exodus closer to You, where our hearts long for what Your heart longs for. Keep helping me "make disciples," that the people I teach will long for life-long relationship with God.

Thank You once again! I love You.

While My Baby Cries...

So Gideon is going nuts right now because Courtney is trying to get him to lay back down and go to sleep on his own, no rocking, no holding, etc. She's being a wonderful wife and saying that I can just go ahead and go back to sleep, but it's hard to sleep with a baby that you love screaming in the other room. So, I guess that I figured I would come be with You and when buddy boy finally falls back asleep, I'll go cuddle up to my adorable but certainly frustrated wife.

So I'm not sure what's going on tonight, but yesterday I felt close to You when I wrote, now this early morning I feel far. Most of the times that I get up at odd hours to talk I can feel special movements of Your Spirit, this morning I get only faint whispers. I feel a lot of guilt this morning, from not helping with Gideon, to the obligations of tennis keeping me from being fully present at teaching meeting last night, to my non-detail-oriented self not paying attention to details and continually following up with AMBS. Pile on top of that the stress of teaching and the perhaps final week of tennis and the monster cookie from the Brew last night and my stomach is a mess right now.

I keep having this problem lately. I'm pretty sure of what I want from You, and my only way of gauging our relationship is whether I get it or not. I want to win tennis matches, and my mood and desire for devotion varies according to whether we win or not. I want my baby to stop crying so my wife can sleep (I've prayed for Your calming Spirit fifteen times now). And as Gideon continues to cry, I want to ask, "Where are You? I'm calling! Can You freaking not hear me?"

But that's all stupid. Babies have to learn to go to sleep on their own, and parents have to go through the difficult trials of teaching that. Why am I asking You to make it go away? Because I want things made easier for myself. I certainly need rest, and so does Courtney, and dealing with these things right now keeps us far away from rest. Our lives are often so scrambled during tennis season, we desire some peace. With the baby crying, there isn't a lot of peace. And very little sleep.

Can You make a greater good from all this craziness? Every time he stops wailing for a second I get hopeful, ready to explode into a praising spirit (which makes it all the more frustrating when he explodes into cries again). But the continual hope, the continual belief without fulfillment, that gets very painful. It starts to make me feel like not hoping and becoming cynical, and that is the opposite of faith.

That's where I'm at with tennis season as well. I have, we have all had in the tennis program, a lot of hope through the year. Our greatest fear is that our hope will be denied at the last second. Lord, allow our hope to come to fulfillment. Allow our work to be blessed. Continue to use our experiences, both good and bad, to draw us close to You. My heart is desperate within me. And yet I can't claim to know all of Your ways and how You are shaping situations for our good and for our growth. And therefore I only have one thing to cry:

Lord, have mercy on me!

A Rambling Prayer I'm Sure

I just desire to come talk to You. So much has gone on in my life throughout the past week, and so much more will take place today and this week. Let's be honest and up front, for tennis this is the week that the whole season has been building towards, the beginning of and end of sectionals all happens within the next seven days. My seniors have been waiting for this for three years. And so have I. It could make this week incredibly stressful.

But I'm coming before You, because after talking with Courtney last night, I realize that something that is very important is to have my priorities straight and then "prove" that. Or, to have my priorities in the right order and actually commit my time to keeping them in the right order. So You must be first. You give me so much and pour blessing over many areas of my life. But it's about more than just repaying You for blessing, it's about You being so passionate in Your love for me, how can I not love You back? I do not know at times how to show You that You are my top priority. I'm willing to accept and actively (at times anyways) seek Your will for my decisions and actions. I try to pass Your blessings on to others. I try to commit myself to times like these, reading the Word and talking to You. Perhaps I need to balance my doing with listening, for only when You speak to me will I be sure I'm doing the right things anyways.

So, if I made a list of my priorities, it would look like this:
1. Relationship with God.
2. Relationship with Courtney and Gideon.
3. Relationships with Exodus Community friends.
4. Tennis stuff.
5. School stuff.

Can I even begin to think that I can follow those priorities this week? I mean, I have tennis matches (which I can't really skip to like hang out with Gideon and Courtney) and it's also the week of sectionals (which means I probably should give real close attention to the tennis stuff anyways because it could be over if we're not careful). I certainly would like to be a more scheduled person, you know, like with a plan written out in my planner that shows I'm spending 14 hours with God this week, 12 hours alone with Court and Gid, 11 hours into Exodus stuff, 10 hours into tennis, blah blah blah blah. It's really tempting to make some sort of system that proves my commitment to the different areas of life.

Let me start here though: I am passionate about pursuing You. I want to stay passionate about pursuing You. Something is telling me right now that if I can accomplish priority number one, that everything else will fall in line. I pray that I can pursue You properly this week. For I do love You, my Lord and my Savior. Amen.

Let's Talk

You know what I really like about posting on this site. That You and I get to talk. I mean, when I pray without typing, I am usually just listing off the things I want to happen. But here I take time to consider Your answers. I can be honest about what I want (I still want to win tennis matches, or at least play up to or above our potential) and yet at the same time hear what You might be calling us to (bless others).

I've been feeling the need to bless others lately. I get so wrapped up in me and my team during tennis season, okay, admittedly I get wrapped up in my team and therefore tend to lose a little sight of people besides my team. I lose track of my students, I lose track of some of our church family, I lose track of my wife and son sometimes, and I lose track of You. You know, the weird thing is that all the people that I listed, that I'm supposed to "keep up with," I'm supposed to be a leader in each of those areas. I am supposed to lead the learning of my students, I am supposed to lead the spiritual and whole growth of the church, and I am supposed to lead my family, in our walks with You and in decision making it seems. The only relationship that I have right now where I don't lead is with You (well, okay, most of my friendships, which includes people from the church, I don't have to be the leader, but the church in an official sense, I am the pastor.)

Anyways, with all the energy spent on leading, I'm sick right now. Well, I don't know if this led to my sickness, but it couldn't help. I need rest in You. Bring that on!

Discipline and Stress

Lord, my prayers all have the same theme throughout this stretch of tennis season. I'm stressed, give me some relief (and usually I have some variation of "Let us win tennis matches, but you know, Your will be done" stuck in there). I'm starting to realize that You've given me the tools to take care of some of the stress myself, but I don't take that responsibility very seriously at times.

Like the fact that I'm overtired most of the time. Well, I could decide that during tennis season I'm going to be super careful about what I eat so that I don't have to get up super early in order to get to the gym so that I don't end up gaining twenty pounds during tennis season. But no, stress makes me eat more instead of becoming more disciplined, and so I have to go to the gym, and so I'm up and yawning at 5:00 in the morning in order to make it happen. I call it discipline because I'm doing something that I wouldn't choose to do if I had the choice, but I've got the choice... and I can't stop myself from choosing too much food.

That's getting frustrating to me, because I'm afraid of the implications that it has elsewhere in my life. What I'm talking about, Lord, is my overeating. The only way that I've found to control my overeating is by not eating at all. The times that I'm fasting are great because I CAN'T eat. But if I'm given the opportunity to eat, like most of all year round, I cannot eat the proper amount. Even if I don't really like the food I eat too much. And it doesn't even make me feel good. Yesterday I ate way too much, and today I feel like crap. This morning I feel so sick and tired... doesn't help the stress level very much, eh?

Anyways, it is something I would like to see change over time, my ability to limit myself instead of just cutting everything off. I know I have a majority of the responsibility in this change, but let Your Spirit give me the strength to accomplish this turn of discipline.

Oh, and let us win some tennis matches this weekend, but (and I type this sarcastically but actually mean it wholeheartedly) Your will be done.

Cry for Mercy

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."
- Job 9:15

Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.

I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy on us.

Prayers

Dear Heavenly Father, the one who holds me in the palm of Your hand when I am feeling weak and even when I am feeling strong, be with me throughout this coming day. I recognize my need to bring many things before You. We talked about seasons in teachings this summer and I realize that right now I am in a season of high responsibility and thus high stress. I don't want to use that as some kind of excuse to not be the person You are trying to make me into. But the amount of tiredness does become overwhelming after a while. And it makes it hard to get up and spend any time with You.

It especially makes it difficult to spend any time listening. If I quiet my soul and let these words fade away, I will be like Peter, james and John in the garden of Gethsemane, I will physically fall asleep. Though I don't want to just babble on and babble on, I have a very difficult time focusing when I don't. What does that say about my ability to focus? I don't know.

In any case, I have four blessings in my life that are taking precedence in my prayer life right now. My family, my church, my tennis team, and my job. My family has been amazing over the past couple weeks. Courtney really seems to be committed right now to helping me in this time of busyness instead of getting angry about it. Gideon is doing the cutest things ever, laughing every time I come into the room, waving bye-bye at random times, clapping his hands, crawling all over the place. Just yesterday he jumped off the side of the pool to me, closing his eyes and holding his breath. He did that and he's not even 9 months old yet. I just think he is amazing. What a blessing my family has been! Thank You, giver of life and creator of all. You are good. My church seems to be running smoothly again as well. With Lisa coming back from her summer voyage to the south, and Darryl coming again on a regular basis, the living room feels full every week and people seem to be enjoying and learning. Some people are really on fire, and so I hope we aren't disappointing You with our community. You also seem to be opening doors at the Window again, so... continue to lead us into deliverance, community, knowledge, and land.

My tennis team has been doing awesome, and they are such great guys. Thank You for the way we are able to learn biblical truths through a physical activity, and thank You for helping us improve our athletic competition. It's rewarding to watch players mature through their years on the team. Thank You for Your blessings on us, let us not forget to praise You. And finally school has been a lot of fun this year, leading the students through the Scriptures. I pray that You will help me stay organized, for that extra time I spent this summer has been rewarded so far. Thanks for the opportunity that was brought around for me to do something I love.

For all these things, this morning I say thank You. I praise You, but not because I am supposed to, instead because I truly do see blessing and recognize it as an undeserved gift from a beautiful savior. That is my psalm this morning... Your love endures forever!

Posting Elsewhere Right Now

I know I have been absent from this space for a long time. Right now, I am posting my devotional thoughts at an alternate site: http://matthewshours.blogspot.com.

Rend Your Heart

Joel 2:12-13

"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."
Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

As I sit this morning while Gideon naps, I have felt a distance from You. Certainly tennis camp made it hard to find a place to seek You, and Andrew's wedding was filled with time for family. It felt selfish to set aside time for You when I could spend it with a soon-to-be married brother, a twice-a-year seen sister from Colorado, and the rest of my beloved family. But two weeks without real discipline is too much, and our relationship has been strained by my doing. Consider this my love letter of apology.

Now I'm not worried about Your punishment yet, no, I'm worried about our love. I don't like to see us grow cold, for me to lose sight of Your presence, for our hearts to be distant. And so I have wondered to myself and to You, "What do I do to repair the strain?"

And Lord, my love, You never fail to answer when I seek with sincerity. "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart..." Again, You wish to see me seek and follow with truth and sincerity. My heart is broken for the damage I've done, and sometimes the wounds become callous and it seems to overwhelming to pick them open and wade through them. But my Lord of Renewal, You are a healer. So deep the wounds might be that I have caused You with my silence, but You are gracious and abounding in love. Receive my heart-broken apology.

Now, my son will soon call, and I will leave this place of peace with You. But do not let peace leave me. Do not take Your spirit away. Continue to give, and in the way that I respond; to Gideon, to Courtney, to strangers, I will give because of You. Help me to remember that.

Love,
Matthew.

A Prayer for Solitude

Lord God, my Father and Sustainer...

In the summer we drift,
more accurately, I drift.
In a busyness season,
I am surrounded with
those I love and those
I am obligated to.
Weddings and camps,
anniversaries and baby-sitting,
late nights because I can sleep in,
difficulty getting up because I
sleep next to the most beautiful
women you've yet made.
I've stayed interested,
but I've wandering commitment.
When I'm in rhythm,
You fit into all the cracks,
You fill the freedom of Gideon's naps,
the preps when I relax.
When I'm out of practice,
I'd rather read about You.
I'd rather long to be with You
than actually be with You.
So, Lord of Renewal,
what can renew? I'm now
allowing myself to desire to,
where can I find You?
Draw me away for some time,
allow me peace where inside
I find a drink under this summer,
the refreshment of loneliness.

My Desire

"This is my son, I am well pleased"

I've been reading Sacred Rhythms, a book by Ruth Haley Barton. This book is uncovering my true longing for spiritual intimacy with You. As she describes the serenity and peace of solitude and silence, I long to sit on a hillside watching the insects buzz close to the tips of the grass. As she describes the fullness of Scripture realized in Lectio Divina, I long to again sit with the text in an unhurried, meditative way. She writes of the spiritual discipline of taking care of our bodies, and I feel like standing up straighter and paying attention to my diet desires. She speaks of Sabbath as the life-giving day, I yearn to take a nap in the sun.

All this to say I've been inspired. Inspired to intimacy with You. So after finishing the book in hurried fashion while in Florida, I'm back to slow down and go through the practices. So I started today with Chapter 1, which was about naming your desire before God. The idea, is that if we go before God with our truest desires, in our most vulnerable and needy spot, there we will be met and there we will be changed.

So I spent today walking with my son and my dog, thinking to myself: What do I want from You? I imagined You walking up to me and saying, "So, what do you want me to do?" I went through lots of answers, and in all of them I was attempting honest self-examination. I want to do your will..."So what do you want me to do?" I want to have a focus..."So what do you want me to do?" I want to spend more time like this with Gideon..."So what do you want me to do?" As I kept circling through things that I thought I wanted, I realized that they had more to do with what I need to do that what I wanted from You.

Then it hit me, so hard I said it out loud (which was weird because there was a lady running past my as I exclaimed): Validation. I experience a lot of perceived and real rejection in my life. I need someone who is saying well done. And then You said it, just like in Scripture but to me. This is my son, I am well pleased. I am Your son, and You are pleased with me. It is a relief and a stress reliever just to know that. I want to revel in that reality, for You have and are meeting my deepest desire.

My response is simple too: You are my dad, I love you. I will continue to try to please You.

The Arrogant One

Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 49-50

-the pride of your heart have deceived you
- Arise and attack a nation at ease, which lives in confidence
- See, I am against you, you arrogant one
- The arrogant one will stumble and fall and no one will help her up

Lord God, the school year is ending. It is a time of much reflection for me, where I look back and think about what has happened over the last year and what I truly did well and could have done better. In many ways, it is the only true time of reflection that I have about the school year, because the rest of the term is such a whirlwind of activity. Heck, even the end of the year has its things that must get done and planned, mostly by me it seems.

The end of the year is also a time where I receive a whole lot of praise from various sources. Hank in my end-of-the-year conversation, telling me how great I'm going to be as the Bible teacher. A note from Grace's mom, a mention from Emma's mom, Nathan's dad appreciating the award he got, another mom who almost cried because her child only got one award and it was from my class. I look through the year and I also tend to grab and elaborate on success stories. It makes me all feel good. It makes my stress smooth out a bit and I don't worry so much about next year.

And yet at the same time I have a bit of doubt heading into the summer. How will I be able to effectively translate the truths of Your unbelievably tasty word to the middle school mind? Will I experience any success at all in convincing the unconvinced student of the importance of Bible study and relationship with You? I am not trying to make Christians, just trying to give them an appreciation for deepening their relationship with You. Will any of the guys grab onto that, because this year working with the guys was kind of an absolute failure. So will they? How will it affect me that I will have a health class to teach too? Will that just throw me off? Will it be easy to keep that as unimportant and therefore Ii won't really do a good job? Will I honor You with my teaching?

I appreciate the doubts though, because they keep hacking away at my pride. I have had bouts of pride recently, and I hate it when You have to use failure to cut me down rather than doubt. I look at the Scriptures today, just a litany of tribes and nations being overthrown because of their pride and arrogance. It is a human trait that I believe You truly hate. But it is so tempting to fall into it, to truly take credit, to stroke my own ego a bit. And it comes in the darnedest of places for me.

- When I have a good Sunday teaching at Exodus
- When I am experiencing success in avoiding sin
- When I am experiencing success in discipline
- When someone praises the work I do, teaching, tennis, church, whatever

It's odd because most of those things are things that I pray to You to help me with. On Sunday's I will often pray that You speak to everybody and use Your words, not mine. But yet I get prideful about my position when You actually do speak through me. Instead of the praise of answered prayer that is due to You, I try to grab the glory for myself. Same thing at avoiding sin and discipline, I am always praying to You for help, and when You do, I take credit.

Ridiculous. And so then I must fail. I have to make everyone sit through a crappy Sunday teaching, so that You can put me back in my own place. I must rely on my strength and fall to sin, become undisciplined, etc. And then I again realize I need You.

I certainly am always tired of failure, and as I reflect on things, I'm tired of myself. Things go much better when I let myself be used by You, instead of use You. So today, one resounding word of thanks for Your word! And then one resounding prayer, not me but You, and to God be the glory!

Hurt and Hope

Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 30-31

- "Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing."
- "So there is hope for your descendants," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land."
- "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD.

Sunday I taught a sermon called "Community of Truth." We covered these very same topics that show up here in the text of Jeremiah. The idea is that we all have real struggles, real wounds, real and deep hurt that we must walk through. And that You offer hope out of these hurts that is just as real.

It's great words, very true. But have I taken the time to reflect on it myself? Not so much. Where is my true hurt? What do I really struggle with that wounds me again and again? Do I have the confidence in You to face up to it? Do I have the trust in You to hope? Do I have the internal strength to order my life in such a way to claim "victory in Jesus"?

Hurt. I suppose I hurt in many ways. For whatever reason, I've recognized that rejection is one of the deepest wounds upon my heart. Well, maybe that is true. Lack of appreciation is another deep wounder of my soul. It is interesting, because both of these have to do mightily with what others think of me. It matters a great deal to me what others think of me. I think that makes sense, because I also recognize that I play a peace-making role in almost every community I am in, and to play that peace-making role when I am in conflict with many people would be difficult. And so kind of without thinking about it this whole cycle falls into place. I do not stand firm with strong convictions, but where I put my foot timidly forward, offering myself up in one capacity or another, I am rejected. I am easy to reject because I am timid, I am easy to under appreciate because I do not think highly of myself. When I am under appreciated and rejected, or even if I awkwardly feel like things are headed that way, I curl back up into my introvert shell and lick my wounds. Because I believe in truth and community, I will timidly put myself out there again, only to go through the same cycle. But off to the side, I am trying to heal the hurts and desires that go unnoticed myself.

Let me be more concrete. One of the hurts that I struggle with is not being taken seriously by my wife. In other words, she basically knows that I will do what she wants to do, and for the most part that is fine with me. An example, if I try to woo her into an "intimate" time, she will often feel free to say "no, I don't really feel like it." I know that that doesn't sound like rejection, but hearing it time and time again is wounding to me. Or I'll suggest that we think about moving the TV out of the living room, or that we stop watching pointless shows, or that we try to do devotions together as a family. She may agree, but then put so little effort into actually doing those things that I get frustrated, give up, and feel like my ideas for the betterment of my family are not appreciated. Because of who I am, I don't believe in just keeping these things to myself. So I'll tell Courtney how I'm feeling, but she always gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to respond. So she doesn't respond. And I don't hold that against her, I know that is easier. But it leaves me in a place of rejection again. Off to the side, I struggle through bouts of temptation with lust and pornography, because the internet rarely says no.

This hurt can be played out with Exodus Community as well. I'm a spit-baller when it comes to ideas, I think large, I think small, I think action, I think rest, I just think. And so I like to throw out ideas. Sometimes, whether it be because Bryan and Joel are tired, don't have enough time, or my ideas are bad (which is entirely possible), my ideas get met with a continual pessimism. Again, this goes to the deep place of hurt I have for not being taken seriously, because things will just get dismissed. The way I am tempted to respond to this hurt is to just take control, but without any community. To say things in front of the whole community that have not been brought up in the group of leaders. To slowly and subversively try to get MY ideas into the group, instead of approaching with truth and honesty. And it's all because of hurt.

But there is hope.

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds." You declare this to all who will listen. This is a declaration for the many at Exodus Community, for the many wallowing in sorrow in our world, and more specifically today, You are talking to me. Yet, I know that much is required of me to do the actions of hope. I must trust that the hope is real, that Your peace is real. And I must be willing to do things that I am uncomfortable with in order to order my life around Your values and Your commands.

Lord God, be in my actions and words today.
Order them, make them pleasing in Your way,
help me to continue to serve You
and to hope and trust that my service will bring peace.
Remind me that in You, I am not rejected.
Remind me that in You, I am always appreciated.
Remind me, though I do not like trite "life" verses,
that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."
Let me find joy in that, let me find peace in that.
You are the Creator, the words You speak are truth.
Bring me out of hurt into the depths of Your hope.
Amen.

Perhaps They Will Listen

Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 26-29

- Perhaps they will listen and each will turn from their evil ways.
- If you do not listen to me and follow my law...
- ...if you do not listen to the words of my servants...
- Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Lord God, You are a listener. From everlasting to everlasting it seems that You take the time to listen to us. You hear and You act, the true definition of listening. In these passages above, an all to common life theme is revealed: we are invited to listen, we do not listen, but You continue to hear us.

How tiring it must get to be the Lord. Most people, given time and focus of honest reflection, hear what they are doing wrong. They can recognize the ways in which their life doesn't match up to what You call us to. I know, right at this moment, what the places of familiar struggle that are still out of line with Your truth are: my eating habits, my lack of service to the needy, my lust, and my oft-times selfish attitude of doing what is easiest for me. But am I truly listening to Your promise of peace if these situations are properly dealt with?

Well, either I am not listening or I do not believe You. Lack of trust is such a basic issue to mankind. The immediacy of our own ideas and the belief in our own hands to work things out causes such a block in our true faith. There are several areas of my life that I have never truly been able to struggle through with You to a conclusion, and the root of those areas is distrust.

Why do I distrust?

I want to listen for the answer to this question today from You. I want to be more open to Your "community of truth" words to me. Lord, this morning I desire the beginning of a change. Do not leave me listening to dead space all day. Speak, Lord, speak in truth. Speak to me, to change me this day. And continue to develop in me a listening ear.

Speak to Me, Speak Through Me

Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 23-25

- "Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of my pasture!" declares the LORD.
- The prophets follow an evil course and use their power unjustly.
- "Both prophet and priest are godless; even in my temple I find their wickedness," declares the LORD.
- But which of them has stood in the council of the LORD to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word?

As I read today, Father, I find that the theme that jumps out at me is the failure of Israel's leaders to lead without selfishness, to lead in humility, especially when it concerns listening to You. Certainly, as a prophet, priest, pastor, poet, king, whatever...it makes a leader feel good when they have something new to offer to their people, some spectacular teaching, knowledge, insight or vision. In fact, many leadership organizations would say that if a leader doesn't have a continuing vision for whatever they lead, then whatever they lead will die. But how often does this pressure to have a fresh vision and a new direction lead us as leaders to ignore You? How often are we impatient and searching for the miraculous and hence we fail to listen and honestly search Your word.

I know that for myself there have been times when I have a certain message that I want to get across to a certain audience, so instead of approaching the text of Scripture to see what message it brings, I go to Scripture seeking to prove my message. That's ridiculous and I'm going to have to watch that in future. It's a very tempting thing to do, to use the Word to prove my own views right. But this is quite possibly what Jeremiah is talking about way back in chapter 8, when he says, " 'How can you say, "We are wise, for we have the law of the LORD," when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely?

I don't want to wield the lying pen, making Scripture say what I want it to say. Fitting my experience and the experiences of others together to prove my points. In a community of truth, I, as a leader, want to be true to Your words.

I used to have a phrase that I used a lot in my devotional time with You, Lord. It was simple, but it is something that I always remember. But it is something I haven't said in a long time, and saying it helps me pursue it. The phrase is:

Speak to me, speak through me.

It's simple, but my idea is that as a leader, I don't want to speak or influence my community. I want You to speak and influence the community. I don't want to preach fancy sermons - I want You to preach fancy sermons. I want to be a conduit through which Your ideas, Your ways, Your commands flow to the community. And I guess I believe that to accomplish this, I will need to continue to develop two key qualities that are rare to many a leader (for example, the leaders of Judah and Israel lacked these!)

1. Listening - allow me the courage and patience to daily be still and listen for You
2. Humility - allow me the courage to not craft my own ideas, but to speak only what You have revealed to me through the truth of Scripture, the truth brought by others and my times of listening

Lord, my God, deepen these qualities of listening and humility within me. Let me be a leader who does not destroy and scatter, but instead let me stand in Your council and be a conduit of truth. Thank You for the continuing challenge of Your word. Amen.

Raising Hope Out of Shame

SATURDAY 3.22.08 – PETER
Peter followed Jesus for years. He saw many miracles and amazing things. He’s the only person other than Jesus to walk on water! After all these experiences that displayed the power of God in the life of Christ, Peter still feared for his own life enough to deny Jesus three times in one day. His doubt is an encouragement to us all. Peter saw signs and miracles and Jesus in all His glory at the transfiguration, and still he doubted. The Rock on whom Jesus built His Church learned great lessons from continued faith and obedience through doubt. Read about Peter’s lowest point (Matthew 26:69–75) and his restoration (John 21:15–18).

It's just interesting that the day before my fast ends, I'm sitting here looking back over the past 45 days and thinking, wow, what was all that for? I mean, I've throughly enjoyed the fast again, and there have been some great times. But I always get stuck in a rut of shame. It's so interesting, and depressing. I mean, last year I came to the end of the fast and I was genuinely moved by all that had happened. This year I come to the end of the fast and am not. I'm ready for it to be over, and I know that the lack of spiritual experience is entirely my fault.

It makes it hard to think that I'll have joy tomorrow in the Easter experience. Except for one thing. Christ died for my shame. You died for my shame, and all the sin and disinterest that kept me far from You. Trust me, I still have this deep desire to go back and change everything. To start afresh and anew and have this all mean something profound but... You died for the fact that I failed.

Pretty unbelievable when I finally look at the story of Peter this morning. As I think of this being the last day before Easter, before the day on which You rose triumphantly, I think about the things that I have done to trample Your Spirit throughout this Lenten period and honestly it makes me want to "weep bitterly" as Peter did.

But one thing very good that has certainly happened throughout my fast has been a rekindling of my desire to be an excellent pastor for Exodus. And realizations of what that actually means that I must do. Being a "pastor," which literally in Latin means "shepherd," it is kind of shocking to go back and read this passage where You talk to Peter after Your resurrection. "Feed my sheep," You asked Peter. It's almost as if You are extending to him a way to get past his shame.

This is how I feel, I truly let You down in this fast by letting the other busy things of my life push You around. I didn't make the time to pay attention to the things You were doing. I want to make it up to You in any way possible and it is like You are hitting me with this verse, "Feed my sheep." I have a whole flock of people that as pastor I have taken spiritual responsibility. Luckily it is not a job I do alone, but I do have a special role in it. Have I been fulfilling that role? Not always. But I can start that right now. And it may be the way You are pointing out that I can "make things up" to You.

It's reminds me...hope is what creates joy. Suddenly, in my last day, my hope in myself is renewed because I know that You still hope in me. I have greater expectations of me than failure, sloth, and shame. You believe that I can, with the help and company of others, feed Your sheep. That hope needs to infuse itself into our community and deep into my heart.

Lord God, Creator of all good, You are all good. You have blessed me beyond the skies with all sorts of good. Actually, as I look back, even the past few days You have blessed me with all sorts of good. I know my assignment. Just like Peter, I must stop looking at the bad within myself that keeps me shamed and low, and instead I must look for the good in You and use it to feed your sheep, to encourage the flock, to lead them to the same level of attentiveness. To help them see You. And just like it says in James, You are the Father of heavenly lights, not shifting like the shadows but constantly giving every good and perfect gift. You are behind the good and perfect in life, and You raise that good and perfect up out of death and suffering. Maybe that's the true lesson of this fast, it wasn't the greatest, but You are using it to infuse me with this truth in a profound way. That You can even take my bad, and use it for good. Right now, You are using it as motivation, as a teaching tool. Thank You. You are the Lord Most High! Thank You for Your blessing! Thank You for this fast! Thank You for my Son! Thank You for Jesus! Thank You for being the God who raises up victory from defeat! I love You!

How is God With Us?

WEDNESDAY 3.19.08 – GIDEON
Gideon’s doubt was not easy to satisfy. More than once, he asks God to reassure him with signs. Being the youngest and from the weakest clan, the idea that he would rescue Israel just seemed to be too much to swallow. Read Gideon’s story in Judges 6.

Gideon, God's mighty warrior who is hiding from the Midianites when the Lord comes to speak with him. The thing that he was hiding from was exactly what You had him stand up and conquer. And the over riding message to the whole story again is that Gideon does not have to do the work and the deliverance alone but that it is in Your power.

I don't understand how this all works. I mean, when there is this promise that You will be with us when we step out in faith and do something that the Scriptures call us to, what does that mean? It certainly doesn't always mean that You'll perform miracles for us. In fact, Gideon goes about the whole process of breaking down Baal's altars with his own two hands. He doesn't stand in front of them and call down fire out of the sky. And then, when the townspeople are ready to kill him for destroying their gods, it's not You in miraculous fashion that saves him, but his father who says, reasonably, "Let Baal fight for himself."

So, where were You with Gideon here? It seems so Sunday School-ish and simple to say that You were acting through the other people in the story. It may be true but it is not satisfactory. When I am truly scared about stepping out and leading somewhere new, I don't want to just trust that You will work through others and that You will be "with" me in some mystical sense. I want to see You work in visions, signs, and miracles. I want solid proof that my success comes from You. The miraculous seems unquestionable because humans cannot perform it.

That's what makes it hard to step out and do anything most of the time. Cognitively, I know that You are with me, it's written all over the Biblical text. But physically, how is that going to help me. In class today, when I am trying to teach some of Your truths and students are bored out of their minds, how will I feel that You are with me?

It's interesting, in James it says that if we doubt we will receive nothing. I argued in class that that is not because You're not trying to give it, but rather, that we're not willing to receive it. Notice that the language in that passage is one of not receiving, instead of You not giving. It seems to me that as Bryan was pointing out, there is one key about the way that we deal with doubt, and that is obedience. Though we doubt, we must forge ahead and give You the chance to prove true. For if we don't obey, we will never receive. If doubt causes us to be paralyzed, then we will never have the chance to let You disprove our doubt.

So there is an element of confidence in You even before doubt is relieved. That is my faith. That little bit of confidence that should allow me to step out and do the things that Scripture has revealed to be correct, that is my faith. As strong as that confidence is, the more that I can undertake for You.

I want small things today from my faith. To be able to teach confidently and for my words to be of You. To be able to encourage in the face of frustration. To be able to discipline in the face of conflict. To be able to speak truth in love if needed to my friends, again in the face of conflict. These are the things where I could truly say, I am hiding from these responsibilities and I am weak. But, "the LORD is with me, mighty warrior."

Let me forge ahead.

The Community's Role

TUESDAY 3.18.08 – MOSES
The Jewish people still revere Moses to this day. He lead the people out of captivity and recieved the Law right from the mouth of YHWH. But before all of that, God spoke to Moses from the burning bush, asking him to do impossible sounding things. His doubt in God and himself lead Moses to ask God to send someone else. God responds in Exodus 4:10–16.

This week during Lent, Bryan has asked us to consider the role that doubt plays in our lives. Where are we doubting You? Where am I not convinced of the things that You've asked me to do? Perhaps the number one way to recognize where doubt is ruling my life is to look for the places that I am making excuses. As I look at the character and the story of Moses, his excuses jump out at me every time.

Well, I've been trying to work through some hard issues involved with be a leader in the church. And certainly as I work through those excuses have jumped up in my conversations with You. First of all, and definitely foremost, there is a mandate that as a leader I must be honest with the other leaders who are striving to guide the church with me, even when that means being critical of them. Because they are my friends, because I fear criticism coming back at myself, and most of all because I hate conflict, I have avoided this. There is no way that I can call this anything but wrong. The hurtful part for me to think of is not only is it wrong, it is damaging to the community. So certainly, there is fear and doubt in that situation.

Doubt #1: Will honesty really leave people in a place of health, even when it provokes conflict?

Secondly, Joel shared with us that after his Super Bowl party several of his friends felt that we were cold. He wants us to meet with them again, so that they can see a different side of us. Part of me welcomes this second chance. Part of me dreads it. I am not always good at meeting new people. That is the excuse as well. My doubt is that You can use me to reach people I don't know very well, that You can enable me to be the outgoing person that I don't feel like being, that I've never been. Then I also doubt if this is what You called me to. Why would You give me a personality that is introverted, that only has ever required one or two friends, when You then call me to be outgoing and bring new people in?

Doubt #2: Can I be a people-friendly face of the church that I just need to be to be an attractive person?

I think I could probably find more doubts, but I want to end with a big third doubt. I doubt myself and my ability as a leader period. The responsibility of a teacher, that is great, but I was able to handle that when I thought that was going to be what it meant to be the leader of a church. Now, it seems that being a leader is more about being in tune with a variety of people, being in tune with You, being a connection between the congregation and God, helping them seek You personally, stepping into their lives and trying to point out where You are there with them, and oh so many other weighty things. And we're only talking about 20 people maybe! The responsibility has become a great weight, for I so desire to see their transformation into the character of Christ and when it is at all lacking, that falls upon me.

Doubt #3: Can I even be a leader under the force of this weight?

In Your answer to Moses, in the passage of Exodus 4:10-16, You get angry with him for continual doubt. LORD, please turn Your anger from me if You are tired of excuses. Despite Your anger in the passage, You do something so profound and wise. Sometimes I forget, this is going to sound ridiculous, that You have so much practical wisdom. What You do is that You send someone with Moses. You don't back off the call, instead, You give him some company along the way.

Look! You've done the same for me! And how I try to pick them apart at times, pridefully place myself ahead of them in my mind at times, shamefully think that they are so much better than me at other times, ridiculously live at times as if we are in some type of competition or something. No, LORD, no! You have given me an extremely talented, loving, and caring group of individuals to walk with me in these doubts. It's an amazing reason for joy within the difficulty. You have not left us alone, as You are with us. But You have not left us physically alone, as You are with us in the form of the community as well. You are beyond wise!

I will praise Your wisdom within my doubt today! Thank You for the blessing of community!

Live Up to What You Know

FRIDAY 3.14.08 – PHILLIPIANS 3:16–17
Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you.


Lord, thank You for a great teaching meeting last night. I feel energized again about the group of pastors, group of people, group of disciples that I am apart of in following You. I'm reminded again yesterday, two different times actually, how refreshing honesty can be. At tennis practice I confronted one of my players about his attitude and the conversation ended with him saying he was glad I talked to him. At teaching meeting Joel confronted us with his frustration and the night ended with all of us saying that this was a good night.

Interesting thing about the verse today: "Only let us live up to what we have already attained." I believe as I pulled up this verse in Bible Gateway, that the context here is that we should live up to the things about Christ that we know. Certainly we are always growing and learning and seeing more clearly if we are truly following as a disciple. I think that this verse is saying, what you know, do that. What you don't know, don't worry about that yet. That's what Paul does.

Today, I want that to be true of me but also my community. And that's my prayer. Transform people, Lord, so that they can live what they know. Transform me, so that I can live up to what I've already attained. And that's where I'm going to end, short and sweet. Lord, let me meditate today on the Word. Let it sink into me throughout my comings and my goings. Amen.

Let 'Em See Good Works and Then...

THURSDAY 3.13.08 – MATTHEW 5:14–16
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Love, love, love this verse. It's not like today is my first time reading it. I make my students study this verse in connection with the verse where You said: "While I am in the world I am the light of the world." It's amazing that this with this whole study of light, we find that where You dwell there is light, life, and provision. Then You come and dwell in human flesh among us and proclaim that You are the light of the world. Yes, because at that time You were dwelling among us. Then, it what is a most radical statement, You declared that we were the light of the world. It's radical in two ways that I see: You are giving responsibilities to humans and also it means that You dwell among us, because only where You dwell is there true light, life, and provision.

So, how is my life bringing light to everyone in the house? Do I have good deeds that are shining forth, allowing people to praise You, my Father in heaven? When I turn the spotlight on my life, I think there are certainly ways about my life that do help people see You. In my teaching, I make sure to start everyday with a prayer. I know that besides our sixth grade teacher I am the only teacher to do that. And it's because I want You to be involved in my classroom throughout the day. The students are part of the prayer obviously, because I pray out loud with the class, for the class, etc. It's not necessarily a good deed, but it does allow for students to praise our Father in heaven.

Other than that, I'm not sure I could come up with many examples of specific deeds that shine before men. It doesn't mean that I never do anything to shine, it just means I can't think of anything right now. But that also doesn't mean that this verse doesn't hold some conviction for me.

One thing I've noticed throughout this fast is how rarely I feel like I have the opportunity to serve and actually do what I consider good works. Now, I accept that perhaps my definition of good works is a little off. But at school I seem to constantly be trying to keep hold of my classroom discipline, teach something, get people to pay attention...it certainly feels like I do more strong-arming than serving. What I truly desire is a change in my perception, I want You to show me where I can live a life that serves. Where am I missing opportunities? Where could I allow myself to be broken a bit more? Because I feel this is the way of Christ, Your way that will allow more people to praise my Father in heaven, You.

Dear Lord,
I pray today that You provide opportunity to serve and that I see and do not go the other way. Allow me to do the little things, the medium things, and the big things that allow people to praise You. Begin to transform me to make this service and brokenness part of my being, my attitude, my attention, and just a part of who I am. I thank You that You dwell with us and are constantly working and calling us to be something more, to be light to the world. Never stop calling, help me to answer.
Through Christ and in the Holy Spirit I pray. Amen.

The Good of Many

WEDNESDAY 3.12.08 – 1 CORINTHIANS 10:31–11:1
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God—even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

The very beginning of this verse makes me pause and ponder. "Whether you eat or drink..." Well, I've been doing absolutely no eating for the last thirty-six days and a whole lot of drinking. Milkshakes that is, and juice, and coffee, and water. Lot's of drinking. And while I know that Paul is writing this verse about foods and drinks that were ceremonially unclean to the Jews, it does make me wonder whether or not my drinking is "all for the glory of God."

I mean, there is certainly a part of the whole thing that is for the glory of God, or at least in obedience to God. Fasting isn't something I simply made up, for thousands upon thousands of years it has been a spiritual practice that allows Your people to hear Your voice. It's all over the Scriptures, including Jesus. But as to whether this fast is all for Your glory, well, I know that it is for other things as well in my head. Weight loss, development of proper eating habits, health, receiving joy...not that any of those are particularly bad things but not necessarily do they bring You glory.

What does it mean to give You glory even? I think maybe this is further explained by Paul within this verse. Sometimes it is very hard to put action or even further ideas to some of these Christian phrases that we hear so often. "Give God the glory" is one of those phrases, "exalt the Lord high above" is another, and the list probably goes on. I mean, I can tell what these phrases kind of mean, to give God the credit when things are going well and to declare that God is better than anything else, but it seems like those definitions fall woefully short of what we really are trying to say.

Giving the glory to You I think is maybe further defined here by Paul, when he says that he is not seeking his own good but the good of many. There always seems that there is a battle between my selfishness and pride and Your will. I will undertake something for You and turn it into something about me. This fast is a great example. People always ask about how much weight I've lost, maybe because they don't know what else to ask about a fast. Why can't I use that occasion to talk about the spiritual depth that You are developing in me during the fast, to explain neat it is that something I undertake completely for You also has health benefit? How You are an amazing God and that is being proven to me time and time again? Why can't I say something that is good for them and not just good for me?

My thoughts naturally run to what is the best scenario for me. All the time. Let me follow Paul's example, let me follow Christ's example. Let me seek the good of many. This means I will need Your wisdom and Your eyes throughout the day, and a change of mindset. Only You can transform me. Give me the undeterred will to change, give me a fresh heart, and allow me to remember the transformative works You have done before in my life. I am prepared for another journey, one where painful selfishness is pointed out. Let Your Spirit come work in me.

A Journey from Hopelessness to Joy

TUESDAY 3.11.08 – JOHN 13:15–17
I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I'm going to take a break today from commenting on the Lent readings. They've been very formational throughout my fast this year, but today other things are on my mind.

Basically, in my continual struggle through this fast, my eyes have left You my Lord. It happens in cyclical fashion throughout my life, and it's not something I'm panicking over like many times recorded in this blog. It's almost simply a fact, and I feel a conviction to focus back on You and what You are doing in this world.

I notice two specific things that often cause me to either look at myself or lose my joy and hope. Both have happened recently to me.

Number One: Losing Joy and Hope

I certainly have lost some of Your Spirit of joy and hope. To make a really easy observation, this happens when I feel overwhelmed and as if You are not answering a prayer of mine that is good. Instead of just being general, let me give You an example.

This past week I was feeling very joyful and hopeful until we had our teaching meeting on Thursday night. Actually, during and after the teaching meeting I was really pleased and hopeful about the things we were pursuing and may be able to get done. We talked about justice and injustice and how one of the callings of every church and every Christian is to bring justice to situations of injustice. Convinced of this, we began to ask where Exodus can become involved in injustice. We had a hard time coming up with concrete ideas. So we said we'd search this week and went our own ways. We also said we'd pray.

So we have, I have, and almost a week from that...well, I almost typed in here that I've had no ideas. But that's not true, I had one brilliant idea. It's scary and big, but it was a great idea and it came during my one true time of extended prayer specifically about this topic. You see, I was fully intending to rant here in this post that it seems like You're not answering me. In honesty, You did, but it looked nothing like what I expected. So I've continued to look for something like I expected, and perhaps that won't be there until we've taken care of what You did give us a vision for. Honestly, all of this came to me while I was typing here.

Isn't it odd how we completely miss the blessing You give us, and then complain that You are not giving us any attention. But certainly, I had felt hopeless these past couple of days because I felt like I'd been praying for a place for Exodus to fight injustice and You've just been ignoring me, opening no doors, providing no opportunities. And I've felt like I have done my part, searching the Internet, looking for places that want more than money, looking for something that would grab our hearts.

And that caused a hopelessness and sucking out of my joy. But as I realize the blessing of answered prayer, the fact that I really am not paying attention and listening to what You say, my hope is returning. It makes me very joyful to learn that the problem is with me, and not with You. When You are supposed to be perfect, and it feels like there is a problem with You, well, You can see how that leads to a lack of joy. But when You who are all good are proved to be all good, well, You can see why joy returns.

Number Two: Looking at Myself

Sin. Yuck. When I get that feeling of hopelessness, warranted or not, and frustration with You, that's when sin is the most easily active in my life. It makes total sense, I resist temptation in obedience to You, because I believe that it is true that my best life is free of the things You say are sinful. But when I'm mad at You I don't have as much ambition to obey.

That's totally happened to me this week and past weekend. My will becomes so weak in times of hopelessness. It hasn't even been that bad, but it has been there. In the way I treat my wife, I have been selfish and sinned. In the things that I let my eyes linger on, I have been selfish and sinned. In my treatment of students, I have been weary and sinned.

But remembrance, remembrance is the key to obedience. As pointed out in the Abraham story, building the altars to remember what the Lord had done for him. I don't know why I always forget this important part of the Biblical narrative. What You have done for me is great! And recent, and relevant even to my frustration and struggle. You had answered my prayer, giving a way for the community to thoughtfully and worshipfully engage in each other's injustices. And it's an inspired idea, because it came from a time of prayer with You.

Joyful, joyful we adore Thee! For the things that You've done that we recognize: the cross, giving us Your Spirit, rising again, giving life, light and provision. For the things that You've done that we don't see: answering our prayers in unexpected fashion, walking with us through our frustration. Please help us to see this. And finally, we adore Thee for Your numerous blessings: my son's goofy giggle, my wife's arm thrown around my shoulders at night, my possible job change, my tennis team and our journey, my friends at Exodus, the transformation of lives...the glory of the LORD!

Let me walk in Your ways today Lord. Amen.

Be Like Me

MONDAY 3.10.08 - ACTS 26:29
Paul replied, "Short time or long—I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains."

Dear Lord, this is probably one of the most difficult texts for me. It seems so anti-Scriptural. There is no humility in this saying of Paul, that is what jumps out to me right away. Often it is hard to jump through that to what I might apply to myself, or to our church, or whatever wisdom this passage holds.

I think a lot of my hang up is Paul. I've read his letters so frequently, had them referenced so frequently, seen the church lift him high above Jesus at times, seen things go terribly wrong in the church because Paul's teachings became distorted...It's just made me frustrated with the written Paul. So sometimes it is hard to separate the fact that what the church has done with Paul isn't who Paul really is, or what he was trying to accomplish. I suppose this is a lot like last year when I wrote that I didn't really like Jesus. What I really meant, as I studied, is that I didn't properly understand Jesus. Now that I've spent a year in Scripture studying I like Jesus, I suppose if I would really get to the truth of what Paul is saying, I would like him as well.

So the question of the day: Paul says that he wishes that all who hear him would be like him, could I say that? Well, to be honest, and maybe this is what is scary, I think I could in many ways. All would be a tough word, because there are some people who are a better example than I am, and therefore they shouldn't be like me, I should be more like them. But my students at school for example, my tennis players, these young generations that I help to guide. I could look them in the eye and say, "I pray that you would be like me, except for these chains."

And when I say be like me, what do I mean? Because I don't mean be a pastor/father/math & Bible teacher/tennis coach. Like Paul, I am talking about the type of person God is making me to be. And I think that that hits the nail on the head. I would be comfortable saying "Be like me" not because I'm a finished project, heck no, but because I am serious about letting You conform me into Your likeness. I don't do a great job all the time. I don't always follow Your voice, sometimes I don't even hear Your wisdom coming to me, sometimes I am frustrated with the Scriptures, etc. But within me there is an honest desire. And that is the part of me that would truly allow me to say "Be like me."

Okay, so I start this by saying I don't like Paul, because this seems a little pompous and not at all humble, then I go on to say, "Yeah, be like me too." Just to put things back in proper perspective..."Except for these chains" applies to me too, but not even close to the way that Paul meant it. Paul said that because he was physically in chains, and in those chains for the preaching that Jesus is Lord. I am in chains too, but they are my own sin bondage. For years and years I have dealt with the same issues, and there oppression is ever present, right around the corner ready to pounce. Thank God for the times of victory, like recently, but the times of defeat are dark and self-chastising times that I don't wish on anyone. It's not really worse than anyone else's sins, but because I do have an honest desire to reflect Christ, it makes me all the more ashamed of myself. So, no, I don't wish people to be exactly like me.

I wish that those who hear me would be like me: Have an honest desire to follow Christ, and let that desire shape your actions. Fast, pray, get up at 5:15 in the morning to seek God in the Scripture, start a church, actively look to serve, be passionate about the Lord.

I wish that those who hear me would be like me, except for these chains: sin is a dark oppression, and the shame that comes with it just as dark. Don't stay in these places, let the joy and hope of the Lord pull you out. Staying and dwelling in your sin, and I say this by experience, leads to lack of confidence and fear. These things belong nowhere in the Kingdom.

Lord, I pray that You will keep conforming me into Your image, that I might say be like me with complete confidence. For while I will explain myself in the relative anonymity of a blog, I could not proclaim this in person to many a person, especially one of "higher rank" as Paul did. Continue to deepen my appreciation for Paul and his desire to be like You. What I want "be like me" to mean, in reality, is "be like YOU." All glory and honor to Christ Jesus forever, Amen.