The "Yes"

I have been on this Lent path for a week now, trying to become more mature as a Christian. Starting with the basics of repentance, I have been trying to leave my selfish ways behind. And in some ways I'm succeeding, in other I am failing. I think that is probably what it means to be human, so I'm not going to be to harsh on myself yet.

But I'm not going to stop trying, either, Lord. One of the areas of maturity was self-control. I do really well at the "no" that is inherent to self-control. For me, I believe self-control has two areas, a "no" and then a "yes." You have to control yourself to say no to things that are bad for you, destructive to faith and following Christ. But then you have to say yes to the things Christ would, helping others, forgiving, going the extra mile, turning the cheek, etc.

As an ascetic worshipper by nature, I do not mind denying myself in order to get closer to You. I have fasted, I have given up things, I have given up vices. I have denied myself access to distractions, giving up television or searching other internet blogs. In the past, I have done these things of denial, and they have been a joy.

But have they changed my attitude of saying yes to difficult things? Not always. I still have trouble doing the things that would make me feel uncomfortable, be difficult, or require a lot of me. For example, I crave my lunches alone. It allows me to think, relax, and recover. And yet, I have many students with missing assignments that I should simply call in to work on those assignments with me, where I can give them help and answer questions in a non-judgmental way. But I love my lunches alone! Or, I am the Bible teacher, and I've been thinking lately that it would be good to have a group of students that regularly prayed for the school. But again, this would have to cut into my time, my alone time, in one way or another. So it doesn't happen.

So my prayer today is simple, let me be more of a yes man. The things that will further Your kingdom, that fall inside Your priorities for me: Let me be self-control enough to say yes to them.

Maturity Begins Within Your Arms

Yesterday I read many texts, it just happened that way, I wasn't really trying. One was from the daily office I'm putting together for the Lent season at Exodus. One was from a devotional reading that my mom sent me. Others were from Ed Dobson's book that I just finished. And others... but somehow they all ended up coming together.

I wrote about wanting to move through the maturity process, and take the next step this Lent season. Well, besides the 2 Peter passage, Hebrews talks about the maturity process as well. Specifically, it contemplates the basics, the beginning of the faith. And thus the beginning of my journey in Lent.

Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don't need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. - Hebrews 6:1

Here's my answer to the writer of Hebrews, and to You, Lord. "No, we don't need to start again with the importance of repenting... but maybe I should start the process of becoming mature with repenting."

Reading Ed Dobson last night, I was struck by his exposition of the Hebrew word for repentance, which is teshuvah. Literally the word means to turn in the opposite direction. But, it has all sorts of different flavors that he broke down by tracing the root word, shuv, through the Old Testament. The one that struck me the most is from the story of Abraham chasing after his nephew Lot to free him from captivity. Lot had been captured at a battle near his home of Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham was going to recover him. Thus the word shuv has the flavor of recover what has been stolen from us.

As I repent, teshuvah, I hope to recover the things that have been stolen from me. One of the big things is the purity of my heart and mind. So many of my sins are selfish, they ignore both You and others. What I've found, and what I wrote about yesterday, is that I get in an autopilot mode after devotions are over, where I just kind of go. And in this, my selfish mind runs most of my day. I feel like in many ways, my mind has lost the ability to be pure, to be committed to one thing, to be focused on You. I pray that I recover that.

I confess that even in starting the season on Ash Wednesday, I didn't fully engage the sayings and readings of repentance, as I was leading Exodus through them. Perhaps it is time for me to go over them again now.

From the Ash Wednesday reading:
"We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven. Have mercy on us, Lord."

But I read one more Scripture yesterday. Luke 15. About You recovering what is lost. A missing sheep, a lost coin, a prodigal son... You are about teshuvah. Recovering what is lost or has been stolen. And not only are You going after what is stolen, recovering what is lost, finding what is missing; but when You find it, You rejoice.

The loving image from the prodigal son, of You throwing Your arms around Your son as he practices teshuvah, repentance, that is where I am really beginning my maturity process. Help me to remember that the journey all takes place within Your loving arms.

Lent Begins

I really love the Lenten season. Growing up, our church always celebrated Easter in a big way, cantatas and so on, but I never got the lead up that was Lent. Or maybe I just don't remember it. But the penitence and confession and emptying out that happens during these seven weeks is so valuable.

What is driving me nuts this morning is that I don't get to sit and really take it in. I have to head off to a teacher's meeting in about 5-10 min. That doesn't really give me time to process You. And despite all my attempts over the past several months, I still haven't really figured out how to turn my every day work (Bible teaching, for goodness sake!) into a way to cultivate our relationship. It's like a switch gets turned, and I am just going through the routine of the school day.

For Lent, I am going to try to empty myself out to make room for You. We'll see what type of things I need to get rid of, so that I can be filled by You. Speak to me about this, show me when I can be attentive to You.

As I'm making room for You, please take those times to shape me into Your likeness. I've been contemplating the maturity process described in 2 Peter 1:5-8 a lot recently...

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."

How am I maturing in my life and in my Christ-likeness. I have faith. I think that for the most part I am concerned with the good. I am always hungry for knowledge. Do I have self-control? And if I do, I know that I need perseverance.

Several years ago, I fasted with the goal of gaining self-control. I'm not sure that I ever really learned the lesson of actually controlling my desires. But whether I did or not, I know that I don't persevere very well. About a month ago, I wrote on the tennis blog how I have to be affirm to continue to do the right thing, and if no one is telling me I'm doing a good job, and the success of whatever it is isn't evident... well, then I quit. That doesn't sound like perseverance.

So, this Lent is going to be a good one. I am going to praise You. I am looking to add to my knowledge self-control, and maybe to my self-control add perseverance. I know that the situation at Exodus, the weight of the community, always requires that. Let me be a leader who follows You in all that is good.

The Nature of God

is to provide.

In my small worries, all has been provided. And my day has turned out great. In an attempt to continually recognize You more, I just wanted to say a short thank You.

Thank You!

The Nature of Satan

Yesterday I wrote about worry.

Last night and today I have been besieged by things I could worry about.

It seems to me, that it is the nature of evil to overwhelm you with the very thing you've just been so excited about learning. For me, the worries are not even anything major. I have a chapel to present, too many papers left to grade, Spiritual Life Week to plan, and lessons to prepare for Pastor's Day (which is today).

I pray today Lord, that Your presence will be real to me throughout these things. More than success in every area, I want You to know that it is You I value. I value our relationship. I will continue to think about it.

So instead of succumbing to the temptation to worry, I want to proclaim all glory and honor and attention to You.

The Nature of Worry

1 Samuel

As I read the pages of 1 Samuel, I see David and Saul in this continual dance of distrust, unease, fear and worry. But the one who really seems to worry and be confused is Saul. He fears that David is trying to take the kingdom from him, he fears that David will in fact rebel and kill him, though David twice shows that he is unwilling to take the king's life.

In short, Saul worries over irrational fears. And those irrational fears fly in the face of his actual experience, but what drives them anyways is his self interest, his desire and obsession of holding onto "what is his."

Isn't that true of my worries too, Lord? Most damaging worry is motivated by self-interest. I worry about not having my obligations completed, I worry about looking like a fool when I lead a networking session at the conference, I worry about having a terrible sermon because of how it might make me look, I worry about how many people come to church because it might make me look like a failure... but many of these things are irrational. I'm trying to make myself look better. But do any of them affect who I am as a person?

If my networking session had been boring, would I be less of a teacher? If my sermons are choppy and no one likes them, am I being less than faithful to You? If no one comes to church, am I really a failure for stepping out and doing what I believe You called me to?

Instead of worry, perhaps my response should be responsibility to my ability. If I am worried about something, perhaps I should take a deep breath and say, "What is my responsibility in this issue, and am I doing that to the best of my ability?" Any other question, any other thought will probably lead to fear and worry. These questions can lead to trusting You and finding an answer.

If Saul had asked these questions about David, he would have found that his responsibility was to fairly rule the kingdom and lead the people toward You, and could have focused in on that. But instead he went about chasing David, who was never threatening him in the first place.

Don't let me chase my fears Lord, but let me be focused on my responsibilities.

Scattered About

Lord God,

Since the new year has started, I've been trying to get my heart into my devotional time more and more. And one of the ways that I've felt like You would speak to me is if I let You guide my devotional time. And so I haven't forced very much structure on my time. I've been loosely reading through the Bible, studying the book of Luke, reading the Psalms, reading "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, typing up prayers and so on and on. But I don't have a structure to my time.

I have had some awesome times of revelation and knowledge during the first month of 2010. Our devotional time at the Exodus retreat was amazing and refreshing. The way that You spoke, the prayers that You gave me, the clarity that I had moving forward. Their have also been great times of study, wonderful insights, and good books that I've read (I'm really happy to be into one of the classic devotional pieces in Brother Lawrence's book!)

But what has been difficult for me over the past year or so is contemplation.

Talking with Bryan yesterday about "Dark Night of the Soul," I realized that St. John of the Cross had it so right when he said that we often enter our devotional time looking for something from You. We want to come away with something new, and so we end up treating our relational time as a consumer. I'm putting in my time now give me what I deserve. But it is supposed to be a relational time.

I guess, to compare it to my marriage, there are times when my wife and I sit down and talk about Gideon, joys or pains in our marriage, practical decisions that have to be made, things like that. When I walk away from those conversations, I feel like something has been accomplished, some decisions have been made. It feels good. It feels like progress. It gives me some direction.

But then there are times when we sit and don't talk, but instead just hold hands and I can watch the snow fall outside. Or times when we snuggle up in bed and rest on a Saturday afternoon during Gideon's nap time. Nothing gets done, but our marriage gets closer.

It's those second kind of times that I don't seem to have the patience for in our relationship Lord. I can't seem to slow myself down for something like that.

And that's where I think structure would maybe help. I'm so scattered about in trying to figure out how to connect with You, that often remains my focus. If there was some structure to my struggling, well... at least that is what I was thinking. I was reading Scott Cairns, "The End of Suffering," last night and he was speaking of his time spent with the monks of Mount Athos in Greece. There he learned to pray the hours, and other prayer rituals meant to help one pray ceaselessly. I longed for that type of structure. I long for prayer to become more real and ceaseless in my life, and thus deepen my relational tie to You.

And I feel a sudden answer to that, ringing clear from Cairns book and from You. I was going to finish my post with the last paragraph, asking You about structure, but I hear a clear sentiment. It fits well with my "Year of Joseph" theme as well - Step Forth and Love Others - and so I think it may be a true leading from You.

If I long for prayer to be real and ceaseless, if I long for structure and intimacy - I must be truly concerned in the suffering of others.