Toss and Turn Until Dawn

Job 7-8

What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...

"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."

The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.

This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.

Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.

I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."

I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.

Psalms 3-5

I feel like sleeping for an extended period of time Lord. I don't know how long I can keep up this early morning ritual of getting to the gym for an hour, having tennis practice, and all the other things that I'm responsible for. Right now I'm so tired I can hardly even bring myself to type. Any time I stop to think I find myself staring off into the blank walls of the office.

But these are the sacrifices I make for You. I hope my dreariness on many days reminds You and communicates clearly how much I love You and how much I believe that our relationship and Your Word is what makes me truly healthy. I can stare blankly around the room, have difficulty concentrating, write a blog entry that seems to be a waste of time, and yet, it is all for You. So somehow that makes this time a little bit easier to bear but still...

The psalms I read today were all psalms of the "cry." David asking God to deliver him from his enemies or thanking God for deliverance from his enemies. I find it very comforting how many of these psalms are disgruntled yet hopeful cries for You to act in Your power within the realm of life. Then it seems like most of the rest of these ancient prayers are thanks for the times that you did act and praise for the love that saves us.

So this entry is my cry, save me from my tiredness and lack of sleep. Give me a quiet evening or a two-hour delay of school. This is my true prayer this morning. At least for me. Lord, in my tiredness don't let me forget my responsibilities to be an agent of Your love.

New Week, Still Waiting

Dear Lord,

Thank You for my family. Yesterday was Gideon's first birthday. It's amazing to watch children grow in their first year, and really it seems for the rest of life after that, even though we've only experienced the first year. At Gideon's party, it hit me that I'm actually a parent. Sometimes, loving and teaching and being with Gideon seems so natural that I don't think about the responsibility and privilege that it is. But when we were taking time to celebrate that yesterday, I did. I'm very grateful for the wonderful son You've given me.

And for my wife. She did a great job planning the details of the party. She is a wonderful woman, and I have a lot of love for her. This season of Christmas and Gideon's party seemed to be stressful on our relationship, and I don't like that. The tiredness and responsibilities of the time wear on us both. I guess my prayer is that You would help me be aware of what needs to be done, and then let me remember that I need to do it. When I have just a little energy, help me spend it on her.

I continue to pray for the church community as well. We certainly have some big changes coming up, and we're doing it because we think that is what You would have us do. They are going to be very difficult for me to keep up with, because they involve a lot of logistics, planning, and coordinating of details that I don't like or do well at. Many people have offered to help, and I pray that they can because otherwise this is not going to work. Beyond the schedule and responsibilites, I pray for the people of Exodus. We are still hurting, captives to ways of thinking about ourselves, about faith, about our own abilities to be wrong, about many things. We deal constantly with shifting circumstances, heavy loads of school work, lack of job security, or lack of certainty in general. We know and expect that You will provide. Work among us to provide.

My final prayer is that somehow You will begin to let Gideon sleep through the nights. I know it sounds like a crazy prayer request, but it affects so many things in Courtney and I's life. As we are up with him, we get so tired. When we are tired, we have trouble serving one another, we start to get snarky with one another, our relationship suffers. When I am tired, I have less patience and desire for community, relationship, and other responsibilities. My teaching suffers, and I end up with a pile of papers and projects to grade. We end up living life in frustration. I understand that sometimes we have to battle through things, and that the struggle makes us stronger, and I've tried to keep a good understanding of that as I trudge towards a crying baby at 2:15 AM. But I'm just worn out from that now. Please begin to move and work in this situation. Help us know what we could do differently. Or just help him sleep.

I pray and wait in expectation, in the name of Jesus Christ, and through the Holy Spirit, amen.