In the Rustling Grass...

What is amazing to me? That when I turn my attention to You, I can hardly find where you are not. I love this line from the mewithoutYou song, The Sun and the Moon:

"I used to wonder where You are-
these days I can't find where You're not!"

Just at the beginning of this week, I read Psalm 42 more as a plea than a declaration, "When can I meet with God?" Or, even more accurately, "Where can I meet with God?" Sitting here just 3 days later, You are swarming around me. Note to my future self, as you are perhaps re-reading to remember. It started with remembrance of what You had done, it flowed into prayer, it became attention. And now you speak to me everywhere.

This morning, my grandmother gave me some children's CDs that her and grandpa used to keep in the car for us grandkids. Well, I guess I was too old for them, but considering that they still have elementary aged grandchildren now, these CDs have gone through a lot of uses. Anyways, most of the grandkids are upper elementary or middle school now, with two exceptions, and so they handed the CDs over. As Gideon and I listened to them in the van while running errands, I was struck by a song from the "Hymns" album (which is kids singing old hymns!)

"This is my Father's world
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet."

What a simple and strong statement of hope. And there You were, leaping out of the speakers in the Montana and speaking to me again. In fact, the song caught my attention with the line, "In the rustling grass I hear Him pass / He speaks to me everywhere." You have been speaking to me everywhere. And it is not that the song is new. It's not that I've never heard the words before. It seems that I'm just listening with new ears.

Thank You for friends. There is no doubt that my renewal was spearheaded by Bryan's decision to go seek You in the mountains, er, the lakes of Pokagon. I hope that You are making the morning light and the lily white declare Your praise before him this morning. Thank You for the desire that rumbles within us. My greatest prayer is that You come in Spirit and power and fulfill the longing that has been empty.

And I know I need to stay committed as well. The countless short prayers for Bryan, then for Exodus, have now bled into a nice fabric of conversation throughout last night and this morning. It has turned my attention to You. I will soon go about the chores of the day, cleaning and straightening and throwing away. Don't let me lose our conversation. I know I have responsibility in that.

Before I leave this post, let me pray for the day.

Father,
You have been amazing.
You are amazing.
You will be amazing.
Open our eyes to that wonder.
Let that wonder fill our days and actions.
Let Your kingdom come into this world.
Fill us today with Your Spirit, and meet our material needs.
Protect us from the "sinister" as we seek You.
All power and glory and honor to You.
In the name of Christ Jesus,
Amen.

Lent: Day 40

So, obviously my Lent count has included Sundays, so it will end at 47 days.  It's been a really interesting time.  What I'm learning is that which helps me pursue You and that which doesn't.  I also think I'm going to have to be aware in the future that it is not always the same thing every day.  In other words, I like to go on these times of discipline.  For example, for 40 days I'm going to write a poem for You every day, or for the rest of this year I'm going to read the gospels once a week, or giving something up for Lent, or getting up every morning to read through the Bible, or whatever.  Sometimes those disciplines just become dead.  What I need to learn is attention.

To pay attention to what you are doing.  To recognize as I tell my tennis team.  A relationship doesn't always work in the same way every time.  I must be aware of that.  Aware of what You are trying to say to me.  I think perhaps the most important thing that has happened this Lent is that I have unearthed a simple prayer that I used to pray with regularity, "Speak to me, speak through me."  I don't know why that faded away but I could certainly use it to be true in my life.

It took Eugene pointing me back to the personal, Exodus pointing to the right actions and attitudes, and frustration of spirit to make it all visible.  But solid optimism has been restored to me.  It could snow another 9 inches today, and I have been renewed enough to say..."Sunday is on the way" and guess what, "the tomb is empty!"

Restore and Renew

WEDNESDAY 2.13.08 - LAMENTATIONS 5:15-22
Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning. The crown has fallen from our head. Woe to us, for we have sinned! Because of this our hearts are faint, because of these things our eyes grow dim for Mount Zion, which lies desolate, with jackals prowling over it. You, LORD, reign forever, your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, LORD, that we may return; renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.

Not to be dramatic, but it all seems very clear now.

This is day eight, and I've been wondering Lord: just why exactly did I do this? I remember back in the fall thinking that I should do this again so that I could meet Resurrection Sunday with joy, and that thought was certainly the catalyst. It's what planted the thought firmly in my will, and what spurred me to seriousness. Then as I gained weight during the Christmas season I began to really look forward to this as a way to shed the unwanted pounds and unhealthy habits I had again stirred up. Then as others joined me I believed that maybe Your will in this discipline was for me to support others in their journey.

But today, these verses resound deeply in my heart. I have certainly been intentional in trying to listen, I am making an effort to lift my eyes up to you and come...but it has been a very difficult two days spiritually. No words seemed to ring out for me to hear, no path seemed open to come to You, and I've still struggled with this question of why. Personally, for me, why this Lenten journey? Why am I penitently listening, admitting my way isn't right and desperately searching to find my feet on Your way?

Because I've heard Your voice before and it is rich, honest, and good. Because I've been on Your way before, and know it to be deep, difficult, holy, and good. Because I've lived in relationship with You before, and it was the most soul and life enriching time that I've had. I am very thankful that I've experienced this closeness with You in the past. It is a dear, mysterious, cherished memory.

But recently, "Joy is gone from [my] heart; [my] dancing has turned to mourning." What powerful poetry! And how true for me. My relationship with You has been about discipline, which isn't a bad thing, but in itself is not rich or fulfilling. The utter weight of responsibility has made the joy vanish, my feet become very immobile, and my trips to "Mount Zion" less frequent, less enjoyed, and much shorter.

I'm sure that there are many reasons for the loss of joy. And it is not completely gone. But as the passage reads today: "Woe to us, for we have sinned!" Indeed. In a multitude of ways I have not lived in whole honesty with Your whole creation. Or even before You. And worst of all, I believe that I try to rationalize these things with myself using You. Using what I believe You might think as a rationalization for what's going on! Instead of listening to You on those specific cases, coming to You about those things. And I wonder why the joy is gone...

And so why am I fasting? I long to be restored. Oh how deep that feeling is! How strong that prayer! I want to be renewed.

I want the intimacy where You are sharing with me Your desires and I am motivated to do them. I want the hope that Your people can be Your people, not just creatures of comfort and fear. I want to dance towards each Sunday with passion, each Wednesday with joy, each Thursday with eagerness. I want to hold my wife with confidence, my son in prayer, and give my life into Your hands. I want to believe again, in the truest sense.

I want to be restored! I want to be renewed! That is why I come and listen.