EXC Daily Office: It All Comes Down to Sackcloth

Dear LORD,

There's something about all of the roots that we've gone through so far that I'm noticing. They are all linked to humility in some way. I observed in the great prayers that we read how often the theme of "Your will be done" was weaved into the prayer. In studying Your word, Joel made a great connection to Josiah and reading the word with an attitude of humility and repentance. Now we've moved on to fasting and I find that David has prostrated himself before you in petition with sackcloth and fasting. David practices the root of fasting in order to become humble before you.

Picking up on what I said yesterday, it seems that the most fundamental idol to all of us is us. From the beginning of humanity, we have wanted to be God. Biblical worship of You seems to be centered on one key concept, reminding ourselves that You are God and we are not. Whether that is through prayer ("Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.") or through our attitude as we approach the text, or through the discipline of fasting, the whole point seems to be to remind us of our place in the Really Real Reality.

Yesterday, after contemplating Your awesome nature of giving and loving, I tried to remind myself to do that the rest of the day to others around me. It was amazing how easy it became to be selfish. Simple things, like giving my time to Gideon instead of sitting at the computer reading blogs, that was difficult. Or giving help to my wife as she was cleaning dishes when Bryan and I got back from the Brew (which I didn't do). I realize that I cannot be You. I cannot give and love fully, with all my being all the time. But You can.

I need to start everyday by listening to the song with the chorus "Oh my God, I am not, but You are." It seems fundamental to Biblical worship. I really just want to take some time and tell You that. I am not anything, but You work through me. Therefore, my focus must change on many things. As we struggle with community at Exodus, the question is not how we (or I) change the format, but instead how will You work to bring community to Exodus? How will You work in the hearts of everyone or individuals? How can I support that?

I can start with prayer. Andy is always encouraging us as pastors to be praying about things at Exodus. I love that. It's nice to have a word of reminder to enter into conversation with You. Because the conversation must be started. I must take time to ask and to listen. Hasn't that been what these "roots" have been about?

So, my LORD, You are.

Just Because It Went So Well

It's odd.

At the marriage retreat, Chuck often said that Satan would attack us because he doesn't want things to go well within our marriages. I hesitate to speak about Satan, because I find all of that talk really unnerving and weird and associated with fundamentalists. So, I pretty much believe in the existence of Satan and demons, but I don't like to talk about how they work, or "attack," or whatever.

But how do you explain my wife suddenly freaking out tonight over details and my continued irritability (when I'm generally pleasant)? Or Bryan's weird day? Or Joel's mounting frustration and concern? Or my lack of motivation? Are these all coincidences?

I cannot believe it. And the only thing that I can do is pray. Luckily, this weekend we talked about the 3 prayers roots, one of which is intercession. So it is still on my mind right now. I think all across the community we could use some intercession right now. On behalf of my wife and her stress and tiredness. Lord, comfort, calm, soothe, and make right. On behalf of Bryan. Lord, encourage, fortify with strength, energize, and hold him up. On behalf of Joel. Lord, lead with a mighty hand and with clarity. On behalf of others I have not heard from. Lord, bless marriages, bless jobs, bless drives, bless anything that is currently going wrong and wrest control away from those who seek to harm us.

We have dedicated ourselves to You once again. We put ourselves within Your hands.

In the name of Jesus, our blessed Savior, Amen.

Toss and Turn Until Dawn

Job 7-8

What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...

"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."

The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.

This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.

Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.

I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."

I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.

Rule of Life

So, it's the new year, Heavenly Father, and it seems time for me to post my Rule of Life. This is something that I'm excited about doing, actually keeping an account of the Christian disciplines and making time for each one. So, here is the plan for now, without a lot of details.

Solitude - Every morning before my wife and Gideon get up and before I go to school.

Silence - For five minutes before I start up the computer during my daily solitude time, I will simply sit and listen.

Fasting - Each Monday I will refrain from eating.

Frugality - I will spend no money without talking to Courtney about my purchase. None.

Secrecy - Each month I will try to do an act of kindness without drawing attention to myself.

Sacrifice - I will monthly try to seek the place I am gaining my security from. If it is not You, then I will seek to sacrifice that and reprioritize.

Prayer - Every morning and every evening. I will also make a prayer list, to keep my praises and requests more specific.

Submission - Once a week I will ask the guys of Exodus to keep me accountable.

Service - When something is requested of me, I will try to respond with a joyful attitude of service, not resentment and selfishness.

Worship - In any context, when someone praises You I will praise with them. I want to move past cynicism into worship.

Celebration - At Thursday lunch break I will identify all there is in my life to celebrate!

Fellowship - We will continue to meet regularly with Exodus.

Confession - Each night as Courtney prepares for bed I will review my day, and offer a prayer for forgiveness.


So these are the fourteen disciplines according to Dallas Willard. They look good to me. I am not doing them for selfish reasons, though. I want to be more like You and this gives me that opportunity, I believe. Bless my pursuit, continue to help me make the right decisions in regard to priority.

Discipline and Stress

Lord, my prayers all have the same theme throughout this stretch of tennis season. I'm stressed, give me some relief (and usually I have some variation of "Let us win tennis matches, but you know, Your will be done" stuck in there). I'm starting to realize that You've given me the tools to take care of some of the stress myself, but I don't take that responsibility very seriously at times.

Like the fact that I'm overtired most of the time. Well, I could decide that during tennis season I'm going to be super careful about what I eat so that I don't have to get up super early in order to get to the gym so that I don't end up gaining twenty pounds during tennis season. But no, stress makes me eat more instead of becoming more disciplined, and so I have to go to the gym, and so I'm up and yawning at 5:00 in the morning in order to make it happen. I call it discipline because I'm doing something that I wouldn't choose to do if I had the choice, but I've got the choice... and I can't stop myself from choosing too much food.

That's getting frustrating to me, because I'm afraid of the implications that it has elsewhere in my life. What I'm talking about, Lord, is my overeating. The only way that I've found to control my overeating is by not eating at all. The times that I'm fasting are great because I CAN'T eat. But if I'm given the opportunity to eat, like most of all year round, I cannot eat the proper amount. Even if I don't really like the food I eat too much. And it doesn't even make me feel good. Yesterday I ate way too much, and today I feel like crap. This morning I feel so sick and tired... doesn't help the stress level very much, eh?

Anyways, it is something I would like to see change over time, my ability to limit myself instead of just cutting everything off. I know I have a majority of the responsibility in this change, but let Your Spirit give me the strength to accomplish this turn of discipline.

Oh, and let us win some tennis matches this weekend, but (and I type this sarcastically but actually mean it wholeheartedly) Your will be done.

A Prayer for Solitude

Lord God, my Father and Sustainer...

In the summer we drift,
more accurately, I drift.
In a busyness season,
I am surrounded with
those I love and those
I am obligated to.
Weddings and camps,
anniversaries and baby-sitting,
late nights because I can sleep in,
difficulty getting up because I
sleep next to the most beautiful
women you've yet made.
I've stayed interested,
but I've wandering commitment.
When I'm in rhythm,
You fit into all the cracks,
You fill the freedom of Gideon's naps,
the preps when I relax.
When I'm out of practice,
I'd rather read about You.
I'd rather long to be with You
than actually be with You.
So, Lord of Renewal,
what can renew? I'm now
allowing myself to desire to,
where can I find You?
Draw me away for some time,
allow me peace where inside
I find a drink under this summer,
the refreshment of loneliness.

Catch Up Reading

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 25-32

As You can see, and already knew, I got a little bit behind in my discipline this weekend, even as I taught on it for Exodus. Certainly, there were some other things we were doing together Lord (like preparing the sermon), but still I fell behind in the reading. Which simply means I have to read a lot today to catch up.

Problem with catch up reading is that I don't ever read as carefully. That was true in school too, You know. You miss a couple days assignments and all the sudden you are 183 pages behind where the professor wants you to be. So you read really fast, catch up, but you have no idea what you just read. Then you do poorly on the quizzes anyways.

That's my problem this morning. I want to take the text seriously, but I had about 10 minutes to read 8 chapters. That's a lot. Plus, the text for today was all about the ark and the tabernacles and the priestly garments. It's not exactly a grab your attention thriller.

Still, I'm back on track and there's some type of good feeling in that. I haven't failed, I've rescued my cause. I didn't let myself fall 15 chapters behind (at which point I'd probably have quit). So, I guess there is something to be said for my discipline.

The other thing I'll add before I head to work. I enjoyed our time together this weekend putting together the sermon. Thoughts that were not mine flowed out of me and I ended up with a teaching that I was proud of. And You know, that was all You, bringing thoughts to focus, giving me Scriptural metaphors, even causing some good (and unplanned) humor and discussion from the rest of Exodus. So I really want to point to You on this, thank You for meeting with me for such an extended amount of time to help teach.

Now, help me and others take this seriously. I am rising today to take part in "daily baptism." Right now I have taken time in silence and sacrifice to say, "No. I will not serve myself today." May You be with me as my next steps are, "Yes. I will follow You."

How serious?

Scripture Reading Today: Exodus 1-3

Many thoughts running through my head today Lord, which is good. It seems to have been a long time since I've really had this flow going, where I am truly excited to be learning and contemplating. But with my head going in so many different good places, I'm not sure where to direct this conversation this morning.

I guess, both of my main thoughts do come together on one issue. Seriousness. As I think about Scripture, conviction, Your will some things are murky to me. Many things I just don't understand. But some, admittedly few, things are crystal clear. The biggest of those clear things was reemphasized today in my reading of Exodus.

"I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering." --- Exodus 3:7

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You are concerned with those who cry out, with those who are suffering. Your call to us, as those who love You and are blessed by You, is right from this same heart. Be concerned about the poor, the oppressed, those who are crying out. But serious concern, serious enough to do something.

I know that You want us to be concerned. That's why I spout that off all over the place, to anyone who is willing to listen. But what do I do about it? Often times, just like the other things I lack discipline about, I sit back and say yes this is wonderful, yes let's help those who don't have enough, yes, yes, yes! But then the time continues to get away from me while I just sit there thinking, "Where do I start? How do I start? Will I really make a difference? How can I even relate to their world?"

The thing that is most frustrating is that right now I know where to start. We have relationships with those who are in need. I know how to start. You've been pulling on my heart ever since Gideon's birth about this and I know what I should do. Will I make a difference...yea, that's really a ridiculous question by me. It's honest, but ridiculous. Can I relate, I don't think they'll care. That's only a fear of mine.

But am I serious about my faith? That's a crucial element here. Will I push for what my head believes and look to You for strength and hope, or will I retreat into fear? If I was putting money on me, I know I'd lay it on the fear. But I'm not, I'm putting money on You (well, okay, not really). When we're weak, when we would choose fear, You are strong.

Still Thinking About Discipline

One of the things that is interesting about Christianity is the problem that it's freedom creates. Lord, You never demanded that we pray five times a day facing Jerusalem, or that we start every morning by reciting the Lord's prayer, or any other sort of ritual. In fact, many Christians deride ritual. Then there is the fact that You are instantly available to our prayers any time we lift them up. So again, You have no schedule that You require us to fulfill.

But maybe all this freedom is the problem. How many days do I wake up in the morning, feel cozy next to my wife and think to myself, "I'll do my Scripture reading later"? But then I never get to it because it just doesn't fit in. I have the freedom to push it off, therefore I have the freedom to not do it at all. Same is true of prayer, Lord. How often has someone asked me to pray for them, and instead of immediately praying for them right there, I tell them I'll remember it for later and then I forget?
We have more access to You than we can handle, because we end up taking You for granted.

Discipline. What is this becoming to me in my mind? Discipline seems to be the process of limiting myself, limiting my freedom, in order to be more effective in accomplishing a goal. That limiting may come through schedule, or ritual, or a task I perform every day (Scripture reading). The goal is to get closer to You.

And how much more meaningful it is when we choose to give up our freedom and be limited? I know one of the most meaningful things to me in my marriage is when I know that my wife is tired and yet she will stay up with up and attend to my needs, talking to me, laying close to me, watching a basketball game with me. It's special because she freely gives up sleep, and our relationship grows ten times as fast in these times of sacrifice.

Amazingly, You gave us a perfect example of limits, of discipline that made You more effective in reaching a goal. Except, Your goal was us. The discipline was taking on all the limits of human flesh, all the temptations, all the sorrows, all the pains, the complete weakness compared to Your complete strength. And by choosing to give up Your ultimate freedom, You gave us the opportunity to be closer to You than we could have imagined.

But we must follow suit. We must be limited as well. Instead of being paralyzed by an all-encompassing freedom, Lord, let me choose limits. And just so we are clear, I'm going to define my limits today in this space, before You.

- Mornings with You
- Scripture reading daily (Bible in a Year, starting tomorrow)
- Conversational prayer daily

They are simple, but they will require sacrifice. Help me to rejoice in that!

Where To?

Drifting, it's a good way to describe my discipline right now. As You know, I've been really convicted about getting back into a very disciplined routine lately. So this week I've made it a priority. But I'm starting to get stuck. Yea, I know, already. I'm stuck within a week!

The problem isn't motivation or time. It's destination. What am I working through and where is it taking me...

No, actually as I type this out I realize that it's not even that. It's this evil fight that I frickin' fight all the time. It's the fight of production. Every time I sit down with You I feel like I MUST walk away with something to share with others or even just for my own benefit. And so I chase things that give me good feelings. And when the feelings begin to fade...

I need to keep being honest with this stupid, but all to real, instinct. My mind and all I want to believe about true Christ-likeness says that transformation and relationship are the ROAD, not the destination.

Wait, I remember blogging about the way, the truth, and the life awhile ago. What did I say about that? Okay, I don't think that I had the same thought that I have now. The Bible is about repetition, saying the same thing in different ways. What if when You said You were the way, the truth, and the life You were saying all those things (way, truth, and life) are the same thing?!

That's brilliant! The way (like the road, the path, the journey) is the truth. The way is life. Not the ending point. Not the destination. Not what we produce. The way of discipline then, not necessarily what I take from it, that is truth. The disciplined way of living, committing to early morning relationship, that is life.

This makes me feel really free! Free from having to produce some brilliant thought of my own. Free to simply rest with You.

LORD, that is what it is all about. Build my discipline, build our relationship, as we walk this path together.

A Passion That's Been Building and Building

So, Lord God, I'm really trying to get back into a reading schedule, a prayer ritual, and some other personal habits that will allow me to make the time with You a priority. Yesterday and Monday night with the teaching meeting, I was contemplating discipline and what it means. Today as I read through Genesis I think I get even a different take on discipline.

Jacob, a character who I find fascinating, has spent twenty-some years away from his homeland and returns to settle there. His father Isaac had only one God, You namely. But when Jacob goes to find a wife among his own people, those who his grandfather Abraham had left behind, he is again influenced by a culture of many gods. So when he returns to his homeland, his household (servants, children, wives) are bringing with them many different gods.

Jacob had continually had encounters with You and seemed to be dedicated to serving only You. So when he settled down, You said, "Go ... build an altar there to God, who appeared to You..." I find it super interesting when people build altars in the Old Testament. Why and what are they doing?

To me, an altar is like a marker, a sign post, a reminder. Jacob builds the altar at Bethel, the area of land that he settles in. Because the altar is so close, it must have been a daily reminder to him of the Lord, and the things You had done for him. Perhaps it was also a way for Jacob to be reminded to be thankful, because he built the altar in recognition that You had been with him wherever he went.

So, now considering this for me... we don't make many altars anymore. But that doesn't mean that we can't have signposts, markers, reminders. In many ways, that is what a spiritual discipline does. Just like Jacob, when we enter into a discipline we have to "get rid of the foreign gods we have with us," i.e. the things that distract us from You. As we do that we begin to build a tradition or ritual that we daily experience as way of reminder.

Without discipline, without reminder, our hearts are easily blown about. But there is something settling and grounding in a tradition of discipline.

So this morning and coming mornings, let me continue to put off other thoughts and distractions and build up my time spent with You. Let me be grounded in You and in remembrance today.

Discipline

When we have the freedom to do anything we often sit around and do nothing. That's why we limit ourselves purposefully into some sort of discipline. Whether it be an exercise routine, a diet, or a Bible-in-a-year reading plan, discipline gives us structure. It takes away the "bigness" of freedom, and allows us to move somewhere.

So for the past 6 months I've been stuck in bigness. I finished my Bible-in-a-year plan and didn't want to simply repeat it because I thought I could do something else. I should have repeated it. In allowing myself the freedom to do something else, I then had to define what that something else was. And in that there is a lot of freedom. And I got lost in it.

So, new discipline for a new year right? Shouldn't be ashamed that I'm trying to do the exact same thing as people all across the nation, get myself into a more healthy routine. Of course, the difference is that my routine needs to be time with You. So back to the Bible-in-a-year plan. Maybe back to blogging, if that helps my routine, but no promises. Because discipline isn't about what I should produce (i.e. brilliant thoughts to wow anyone who stumbles onto my blog) and discipline isn't about enjoyment (i.e. sudden epiphanies and tingling spiritual closeness). Although those things will happen sometimes, they can't be the goal.

The goal is You, everyday entering my life, in the ordinary practice of reading and prayer. Start today Lord.