My Father, the Forgiving

Judges 10

Judges is a violent book where Your people can't do anything that You ask them to. Which is ironic because it seems that You overlook lots of things for them and only ask one. You ask that they will serve You over any other god. And Judges is so straight-forward about how that turns out. It is actually the type of thing that I sometimes make fun of as the prosperity gospel, but as a whole, the community is way better off when they are serving You. And they are pretty much in slavery when they are not serving You.

And You still really only ask that one thing.

And I still haven't learned how to consistently do it.

Busyness is the blame of the Christmas season. I serve the god of busyness. Sometimes the god I serve is the god of family. Sometimes the god of work. Sometimes the god of health. Sometimes the god of finance. Sometimes the god of food. Sometimes the god of leisure. Sometimes the god of laziness. Sometimes You.

Isn't that just what these people did so long ago. The nations around Israel used to do as well. They had gods (focuses, practices, rituals) for all the things that they wanted to go well in their lives. Gods for crops, rain, sons and daughters, sun, moon, sea, and stars. And time after time You said, "I am that god!"

The LORD my God, the LORD is one.

Forgive me for pursuing other gods, other rituals, other practices. Unite my life under Your oneness. Forgive me as You did the Israelites, take to heart my confession, look on me with Your favor.

And above all, draw me to Your side.

Ruler of Peace

Judges 1
Micah 5:2-5

A lot of times, I struggle with these Advent passages. As we wait for the celebration of Your coming, we read all that led up to Your birth. The miracles of the angel's messages, the coming of John the Baptist, Psalms of praise and rejoicing, and the prophecies of Your coming. Sometimes I struggle with putting all the different readings into one theme. Sometimes, however, I struggle with believing that the passage of prophecy really truly came true.

Look at all of Micah 5:2-5. A ruler will come, and be over Israel, and he will rule them and they will find security. That really didn't seem to happen. The words often used with Jesus (ruler, king, leader) really lend to political understandings. I know that Jesus came and tried to make the people understand differently the words. But, I can see why many people didn't get it. Especially those who were committed to the text. And especially those who viewed the text literally. Because apparently Jesus fulfilled these prophecies about being a ruler without ever really taking the political throne in Israel.

So, I guess what really scares me about all this Lord is: what am I missing? What am I interpreting too literally? Where are You that I have not seen You?

Through all this, the final promise in Micah is that the "ruler" will be the peace of the people. I can see that in You. You do often become the peace in people's lives. And even when You walked the earth You brought peace.

Advent readings, prophecies, doubts, and wonders. But the peace makes You true to me. How can I not praise You and feel at peace when my beautiful son has just turned 2 years old today? How can I not be peaceful while sitting in the bleak mid-winter with my wife who is pregnant with our second child. You are the peace of my life as I sit with my church and talk about how to do things that I'm terrible at (details) and yet the rest of the community comes through for me with great suggestions.

You are my rest in the mornings. Thanks.

Something Proved, Something New

Joshua 20

One of my temptations when I look at a text is to use the text to prove something that I already believe. Then I figure that I can take that text and base a lesson or sermon on it to teach someone I know what they should really be doing. Today's text is a great example of this.

In Joshua 20, You are telling the people to set aside cities of refuge so that those who kill someone accidentally will not be killed in return by the avenger of blood. It's a really fascinating idea, because what it means is that there are different levels of punishment for the same action depending on the motivation of the one who commits the action. It means that, apparently, there are not hard and fast lines saying this sin equals this punishment every time, no exceptions. It shows that it is fair to look at a situation and judge on a case to case basis what it proper as far a punishment.

This is a message that I believe anyways. I believe that hard and fast rules are generally unfair, and that case by case processing allows for better relational connection. I believe that it is not fair to treat everyone equally. I also believe in forgiveness, which these cities of refuge sort of offer.

So, I already believe what I see in the text here. And it is hard for me to see anything else in it. I can't find my way past my first thought, and my first thought is something I don't need much backing up and proof to continue to believe. Instead, I would rather find something new, something fresh, something creative.

But we don't always get something new from faith. Except for Your mercies, which are new every morning. In my stillness this morning, thank You for a text of fairness. Help me to be involved in representing this idea of fairness to my classes. But more important, help me to be aware of that whihc is consistently new: Your love, Your mercy, Your grace.

Refocusing Attentiveness

Ever since Thanksgiving, I've had trouble staying slow and attentive. The little things of the day pass me by really easily, and I'm feeling tired beyond belief today. So, the guiding question of this whole exercise was "Where do I see You working?"

Where do I see You working?
- In my relationship with Gideon, I love him, and he loves me. It was so great to play with him last night in the basement, running around, shooting baskets, letting him sleep on my shoulder.
- In my classes. My attitude is slowly changing and I hope that the attitude of my classes is slowing changing as well.
- In my students. I'm trying to provide a space for relationships, and I'm probably getting in over my head. But things are changing and people are opening up. I will need You here. Work in the lives of the students and their relationships.
- In my family. I love my wife and my wife loves me. Not everyone has that luxury. And we are working hard at keeping it that way. But You are a wonderful example of faithfulness and love for us to follow.

I'm sure there is more, and there are certainly places I need to turn over to You and watch You work. Keep my attention Lord. I love You.

Please Be True

Joshua 10

"And the land had rest from war."

Please, I've had enough of slowly reading about kings hung in trees for all to see. Let's move on.

When the LORD Listened to a Man

Joshua 10

"There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the LORD listened to a man."

In Joshua 10, Joshua prays to the LORD that the sun will stand still in its place so that the Israelites can pursue their enemies before it becomes dark. And the LORD listens. The sun miraculously stands still, and the enemies are defeated.

But I'm interested in this phrase. There's never been a day like it... Well, I see that as being something true. There has probably never been another day that the sun stands still for a long period of time. Another one is not recorded in the Bible, and I don't really see it happening without Your command. So I get the first part of the statement here in Joshua.

But the second part stumps me. It is apparently not the sun standing still that has never happened before, it is that You listened to a man. Except for, in the rest of the Bible, that happens a lot. Specifically, You listened to Elijah and bring down fire on his bull when he faces off with the prophets of Baal. You listened to Daniel when he prayed on behalf of the exiled Israelites. You listened to Abraham when he bargains for the lives of those in Sodom and Gomorrah. You listened to Moses. You listened to Samuel. And so on and so on.

And even more, it is integral to the modern Christian faith (based on Biblical traditions) that You listen to us and our prayers. It is one of the things that makes Christian faith tradition unique and amazing, that the Creator of the universe will listen to our prayers. It is that relational aspect of your love that I believe (and have taught) is paramount to any other concern.

So, what's going on here in this passage? Why is this a special case? These are questions I would like to have answered. It throws a sprinkle of doubt on one of the reasons that I love You. It flies in the face of what I've experienced.

A couple explanations come to mind. First off, that listen isn't really the best choice of word here. Maybe obey would have been a better choice. Man made a specific, really miraculous, request and You obeyed. However, that is what Elijah did too. He asked for fire to come from the sky. And You sent fire. That takes out obey. But it could still be a weird translation.

More likely, I'm missing something. Some context clue here that changes the interpretation. Something others would have easily understood. Am I missing something? This is where a study would be really useful.

Another option for this? Maybe the author didn't know their history. That's really possible. Maybe the author was only talking about in their story and in their lifetime God never listened like this again. I don't mind this, but then it does call in to question, well, actually this suggestion would erase the idea of inerrancy. I'm okay with that, this isn't a central issue. But I know and understand how people get nervous about that.

So in short, confusing little phrase in the midst of a violent passage. But that's another matter all together. Thanks for the little Bible study today, the raising of questions. I'll see if I can find answers later today.

Conflict

Joshua 8

Joshua is a really weird book to read slowly Lord. I mean, I decided not to change my course through the Bible because I was afraid that if I did I would never actually end up accomplishing my goal to read through the whole Bible again. I figured that if I added a "slow" reading to my "normal" reading, I would end up just quitting. So I just went on the slow approach right where I was on my reading schedule. And that all seemed like a really good idea until Joshua got violent.

I don't like conflict. Maybe I've said this before, and I'm sure You are aware, but I tend to shy away from anything that will put me at odds with another person. Sure, there are certain truths that I believe to be absolute (Your existence, Your love, the beauty of my wife :-) but I will listen to people who oppose even my absolutist of beliefs seriously, and usually not make my points about my beliefs as eloquently. You could spin it to say that I just care about all my relationships more than about proving that I'm right, but that is only true some of the time. Most of the time, I just don't want to be disliked.

Which makes it difficult to confront wrongdoing. In Joshua 7 that I read yesterday, Achan takes stuff he's not supposed to and burries it in his tent. He's not using it, flaunting it, declaring himself rich... it's just buried. So, the whole nation of Israel suffers because he did not obey the Lord. When they search to discern who is at fault, and they come to him, he confesses. He tells them where the stuff is hidden and why he took it and seems apologetic. Then they stone him.

What? I mean, I knew this story, but reading it slowly, my emotions start to follow it a bit more, and I felt sorry for Achan. I have no sense of someone getting what they deserved and liking it. I don't like to see human pain and disappointment. So as a leader, I particularly don't like to cause the pain and disappointment by upholding punishments. I like to believe that you won't do it again, that you are sorry, that you didn't know what you were supposed to do.

In the classroom, I warn multiple times before I punish. It's so stupid. At home, I can punish right away. As a father, I have yet to be afraid of conflict. Why am I so afraid with everyone else?

Well, this has been more productive than I thought. When I sat down to read, I was afraid that my pattern of not really engaging You (set over the weekend, stupid weekends!) was going to continue. Instead, You've given me a new way to look at the war and violence of Joshua. What will it say to me regarding conflict? How are You working in me in regards to conflict?

I pray that I stay attentive to these things. In the name of Christ, I come to You Lord. Amen.

Big Things are Boring

Joshua 6

After being derailed yesterday morning by a faculty meeting at school, here I am again to worship You. To worship You by reading the Scripture. To worship You in thought and reflection. To worship You, Your faithfulness, love, and loyalty are amazing to me. These characteristics You have and act on are hard to believe in the light of our (and my) constant sin and greed. Thank You for coming again and again to meet with me, even when I've not made it an every day priority yet.

So, in beginning to write poetry again, I started a poem two days ago about a rose. Well, kind of about a rose, but more about the idea of a rose and chasing the beauty down into the roots and the thorns, and seeing how awesome it is that You are working even at that microscopic level. My thought about the poem is to end it saying how I get so caught up in the cellular level of how You work in life that I sometimes miss the big things.

I probably have to be careful of that during this "slowly and attetively" focus that I'm trying to hold onto for the next thirty some odd days (I've already lost count). In other words, I feel like I have to look for You pretty hard sometimes, and I end up being taken-aback because I see You in "Little Joys" like my last post said. The little things are so "cool" to see You working in, because they take a bit of creativity to see (which is fair, because I believe that one brilliant characteristic You ooze is creativity). So I enjoy the process of seeing You in the small, because most people don't see You there, and thus it makes me feel kind of indie rock to notice You. But sometimes the big things can just sound trite and uninspiring.

Take for example prayer requests. Yesterday, one of the my students told me that her uncle fell off a roof and was in a coma. While my immediate response was shock and concern, my secondary response was to wonder why she never made any other requests. Why could she only bring this really big thing? Everybody would pray for this really big thing, it's not special! And in my stupidity, I pushed aside my concern.

And then I read the story of the "battle" of Jericho today. And it seemed boring. The walls fall down? Yea, that's predictable. God's children win? Yep, okay, seen this story before. Again, my immediate thought is to find the hidden small message instead of the very obvious important message of the big story. The battle of Jericho is summed up with one little, very important phrase that is trite as all get out, but maybe I need to hear it and properly recognize and celebrate it.

"So the LORD was with Joshua..."

There is a huge miracle done in this story, a miracle that the Israelites desperately needed, probably to build their faith and certainly as far as practicality is concerned. They had to take the city, and God, You did it in a miraculous way that built the faith of the people. That showed them You are with them. That showed them in overarching, uncertain terms that You loved them.

Do something big today, in my life or somebody else's, and let me not be so wrapped up in the details that I can see it, and celebrate You being with us! Amen.

Little Joys

Let's start with this: where have I seen, felt, experienced, noticed You in the past 24 hours? That seems like a good thing to think about considering that these 40 days are to be about attention to You.

So, yesterday. Let's start with the evening. I really felt like writing some poetry. My heart was longing to be creative. But I couldn't find the words or the topic or anything. But then I started thinking about You. I started thinking about Your word. And I started studying. I never ended up with a poem (though I've got a great idea), but I love the process of studying. It is rewarding. The random knowledge, I wonme.der at that. Yesterday, I stumbled through Jewish Christian websites and looked at the way You are perceived from their perspective. Amazing, fascinating, and makes me want to learn Hebrew again! So I don't know how You were in that, but I felt that we were communing somehow.

But, yesterday. Yesterday was hard. Actually, yesterday was one of my worst days of class in a long time. Students were whiny and obstinate, even my favorite classes were giving me a hard time. It felt like such a long day. When I came home, I was excited to see my son. But I was also exhausted. It made it difficult to play. I don't know what would have been my summary on the day, but it wouldn't have been positive. I don't feel like I saw You anywhere during the day yesterday (although I freely admit I am missing the small things and still equating You with success, goodness and strong days when You actually may move better when I'm weak). If I would have went to bed at 7:30 when I posted my facebook status about feeling spent, I think I would have said yesterday was a poor day.

But one experience with You changed all that. And it wasn't a particularly enlightening or intimate experience. What I learned was cool, but it didn't blow my mind. I felt Your presence, but we weren't interacting in a real personal way. That's how powerful You are though. Just a little dose was needed.

I am thankful that You meet with me, surround me, even in little ways. They make it possible for me to have joy. Because last night when I went to bed, instead of mourning my whole day, I was filled with joy.

When Nothing Bites...

Joshua 5

Moving right along. Lord, this is the first time this has happened. I tried to read Joshua 5 slowly, and umm, nothing. Well, there is some obvious stuff. But I'm not even sure that I want to explore that any deeper. There is a whole discussion there about circumsion, the the other nations trembling before the Israelites because of Your help, and an angel that meets with Joshua, but tells him he is not for one side or for the other. That has all sorts of interesting implications. But the truth is, I just don't feel like pursuing any of them right now. Instead, let me move to prayer.

Speak to me, speak through me. Let me notice Your actions in my day. Give me the strength to make it through my day! Amen.

Why Don't We Remember

Joshua 4

Reading through Joshua, I realized that You again led the people through the water. Crossing the Jordan, You held the waters up miraculously so that all of Israel could cross through on dry land. And after the people got through, they picked up twelve stones to make a monument, an altar, to remember what You had done for them.

Except, we don't really remember this miracle. Despite their actions, the parting of the Reed Sea is way more remembered than this parting of the Jordan. This is one of those miracles where I wouldn't even remember it unless someone was like, "Didn't God part the Jordan when the people were going into the land." Oh, right, yea. I think He did...

Well, the stones really weren't for me to remember anyway, but they serve a good point. Why do we have such a hard time remembering the things You've done for us? Set aside the arduous task of even recognizing what You've done (I'm finding that to be difficult in and of itself!) Sometimes, You act obviously. Oftentimes, we even forget that!

It would be an interesting study to think about the things that I should remember. What have You done that You are really proud of in my life? With the Israelites, it's obvious to see that You are really proud of helping them out of Egypt and into the promised land. "I am the God who brought You out of Egypt" is a real common theme and phrase throughout the Bible. That seems to be the defining moment of who You are for the nation of Israel. So what is my defining moment, the one I need to constantly look back on?

And I don't want to force this, maybe not everyone has a "defining moment" of God working. But I think I do. Back in college, that I always quote all the time in all sorts of sermons and school teachings. Why do I love You? Because You made me give it up, and then gave it back to me. You wanted me to be prepared to give it all to You, and then You gave it back to me. You are the God who does that. You are the God who wants to be first, above all, but if You are You allow us to enjoy the blessings of this world You created. Love, family, security... they are all given back to us when we would give them up for You.

Perhaps that is what I need to remember. It certainly would help my slowly and attentively if I could remember that You are the #1 priority in my life. You the God who gives back with blessing, help me remember You.

Even When I Don't

So, an update. Weekends make this whole "slowly and attentively" theme very difficult. First of all, it is difficult to find the consecrated time to be with You, because it is much easier to sleep in with my wife and son than get up and do this. It's like, sleep with my arms around my family or sit in the living room alone with my laptop? Easy decision. It's going to be my family (and I don't feel to bad about it... except...)

I never get to this time then. Being slow and attentive to Your presence is hard, and so taking two full days where I wasn't really even thinking about it made it a whole lot harder.

But there were times when You still hit me like a ton of bricks. We're driving over to Angola, to help clean out Courtney's room before her parents move in December. I'm listening to music while Gideon and Courtney are sleeping. On my iPod I select "Timothy Hay" by mewithoutYou and am just singing along, smiling at my beautiful family. And that is exactly what I'm thinking, "What a beautiful family, I love them so much! I couldn't be more grateful." And then on the music comes this line at the climax of the song...

"What a beautiful God, what a beautiful God, what a beautiful God You must be!"

Exactly. My thoughts exactly. And it fit so perfect, and Your presence was so close, that I could only cry beautiful tears. My wife woke up as I was wiping the tears from my eyes and Gideon did too. We sang together the rest of the way and had a beautiful time.

What a beautiful God You are. Thank You for showing up even when I don't. I love You.

Beyond This Consecrated Time

"Quiet, still, alone in my room...
Stop and realize, I'm in the presence of a King."
--- Still by Roadside Monument

"Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."
--- Joshua 3:5

During this cycle of forty days, I'm trying to pay attention to the amazing things that the LORD does in my days, among my family, among Exodus Community, among my students and tennis players, and even in the broader world. I'm just looking with wondering eyes.

One of the things that I do to make this a reality is early morning devotional time. I take my Bible, laptop, and blanket and sit in the dark. Alone with God. As I read through Joshua this morning, I really resonate with Joshua 3:5. Consecrating or sanctifying means setting yourself apart. Every morning, I feel like I am setting myself apart. Sitting here alone is my way of thinking and preparing and being apart from the world I am about to enter. A world of students, excuses, scatter-brained forgetfulness, evaluation, comparison, parenting, husbanding, pastoring, mentoring, and on and on. I mean, just to write all of those words is kind of stressful.

"For tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

I just stop at that line. Because what I have been doing is looking for You to do amazing things during my quiet time. And I recognize Your presence here with me. But I am only seeing the amazing things You do during my time of setting myself apart. With the Israelites in Joshua, You asked them to set themselves apart because You were going to go to work in their days. In their lives, in their travels, in their quest... You were going to affect the stuff of everyday life.

So, what does that mean for me. I cannot just stop my "slowly and attentively" with the Bible and the quiet time. This time must prepare me to see You do amazing things among those who I see on a regular basis. Stillness must prepare me to see You in my boisterous students, in my crying son, in my tired wife, in my heavy church.

But perhaps it will be that seeing You in these people will help lift the heavy burden that I can let them become on me. I want to see You in my students, and see them mature into people that love others and don't just seek attention. I want to see You in my son (some of my most precious times with him are when You've shown up). I want to see You through my wife. I want to see You in my church (and I know You are moving and causing growth).

I want to have these times in Your presence, but help me see how Your presence goes out then before me, parting the torrents of the Jordan. Help me to recognize the wonder of Your presence both in the stillness and in the action.

Today, that is my prayer. In the name of Christ my savior, through the Holy Spirit, I pray to You, Lord God, Amen.

God of Heaven Above and Earth Below

In school, we've been learning about balance. About how Jesus answer to many seeming paradoxes is, "Yes, and yes." As I read today, I notice another little tidbit of the balance that You have as God.

Rahab says to the Israelite spies that everyone in Jericho is melting with fear because of what You had done (specifically in parting the Reed Sea). It made her realize that certainly "the LORD your God is God of heaven above and earth below."

What it made me realize is that many people throughout time, and including right now, have wanted their gods to be in one of those two places. Some people focus on the gods of the heavens, who create and then have their little heavenly dramas and are little concerned about us here on the earth. Other nations have had gods who were in charge of certain things about the earth, the sun, the rivers, the crops, etc. But rarely have people worshiped a god who is god of heavens (in power and sovereignty) and also the earth (dealing with people, creation and interacting with them on a regular basis). You somehow balance sovereignty and being personally involved. It is unique, and amazing. For now, I just wonder at that.

Living It

Yesterday night, I began to read the Scriptures slowly, the discipline that Eugene Peterson says is so important to him. I read Joshua 1. What did I notice as I slowed down? Well, both You and the people of Israel said the same thing to Joshua as he took over the leadership. You promised that You would be with him, just as You were with Moses. It is amazing how many times in the Bible You comfort people and inspire them just by telling them that You will be with them. The people of Israel then respond that they will obey him, just as they had Moses.

Then both You and the people remind Joshua to be strong and courageous. As a leader, the qualities that are needed are the qualities of strength and courage. I thought about the areas of my life where I am a leader, and I realized that I don't have a focus to be strong and courageous behind. For example, Joshua had the law and the commands that You spoke to him. Well, I have Your law, Your ways, and Your Scripture, but the ways in which I interpret it to apply to my different leadership situations have not been well defined. So I broke it down to this.

Exodus
- It's about quality and not necessarily quantity. I must be about excellence.
- It's about living it.

School
- I want to be strong in teaching the habits of mind.
- It's about living it.

Tennis
- It's not all about tennis.
- It's about living it.

Biggest thing I want to be strong behind: Living our faith with You in all circumstances. Now, let me be strong and courageous.

Slowly and Attentively

The last post began a re-introduction to us on this site Lord. The reason I'm back is that I want to focus more, be more attentive. So how about a new Forty Days. Not a fast, but a 40 days of focus. And the focus, to slow down and be more attentive. We'll start by doing that in our Scripture reading, but I want it to flow over into life as well. Stop my rushing, give me attention. Work it into the fabric of my life. Amen.

UPDATE:
On the way to work, I put my iPod on my worship playlist, and these are the songs that came up. It seems like even my music was supporting the new devotional theme:

"Do Not Move" by David Crowder Band
"Every Season" by Nicole Noordeman
"Still" by Roadside Monument

So that is two songs about stillness and one song about paying attention to how God speaks in every season. Think that supports being focused, slow and attentive? Yea... it is neat to see God at work when I do pay attention.

Seeing You at Work Again

And we're back. Well, I haven't really gone away Lord. The time of privacy did me good. But the ability to rapidly look back through my days is lost in privacy. And here, I do a much better job of contemplating You and the Scripture than I did in privacy. In privacy, I pray well. Here, I search well. Hopefully this knowledge will help me do both well.

It was certainly interesting to read my last two posts from July. I must have fallen off the wagon after those posts, because this fall I did not feel like You were everywhere. Only recently have I really regained my appreciation for You. You are working right now in so many places in my life. Last night, it was good to sit down and read. Read Image Journal, read poetry, and then just think. The interview with Eugene Peterson was amazing. He certainly has a way of saying the things that my soul is thirsty for. And he talked yesterday about "reading Scripture slowly" as one of his spiritual disciplines.

Reading Scripture slowly has become very difficult for me, except for when I'm posting here on this site. I don't know why that is Father, maybe because I don't feel like I can be quite as personal here because the info flows on out into the wide open spaces of the world wide web. Therefore, I tend to focus more on how You are speaking to me through the Scriptures, instead of personal prayer and confession. I'm hoping I can balance those things better, because I realize now that a healthy spiritual life needs a balance of all those things.

Another thing that I realize I must balance is community and being alone. The solo, 5:00 in the morning thing has it's advantages, but I know I need someone to join me in this journey of legitimately seeking for You. It doesn't necessarily have to be as early in the morning, but I know that I need to share and be shared with.

I have also learned the value of being filled up by others as I peruse back through the blog from July and before. I notice that I was quoting mewithoutYou, My Epic, "This is My Father's World," and more. Others, outside of my home community often speak to me, and they keep my eyes open and attentive. Bring those sources of life before me, and let me partake deeply of them.

I love my prayer from two posts ago, "Again." Right now, I pray it again.

You know what I notice! You already have done those things through the time I met with You in the privacy.

Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.
--> Yes, we have sat through many mornings together, because I've gotten my act together and started to commit to mornings once again. And that has been a brilliant thing. Again, I feel like I need our morning conversation, or at least I need to pour out to You, to get my day started on the right foot.

Again You will be with me through my fears at night.
--> Yes, yes! I remember during tennis season, or maybe it was right after the season that I was stressed about a billion things all at the same time and was sitting up through the night. Parent-teacher conferences, my sister's wedding, the end of tennis season, my license issue, my 7th grades classes, and so much more and me stressed beyond belief. And there You were, helping me catch my breath, helping to calm me down, listening. And so many of those things have been dealt with in miraculous ways! Like my license coming through, no problem just this week!

Again You will speak and I will hear my name.
--> Saying that I've heard my name again might be a stretch, but just this past week You really reaffirmed who I am. In teaching, a real solid researched teaching, and a "creative" service to go with it. It's amazing that in being a pastor of a house church, perhaps my best gift is service planning. Maybe it is because that is the only seminary class that I have taken, who knows! Still, it allowed me to feel my call again, to creatively lead Exodus as You creatively lead Your people.

Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.
--> Exhibit A: This morning.

Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.
--> Yep. The more I learn the more You blow my mind. This whole idea of paradox and balance that I've been learning and teaching to the 7th grade. Awesome. Also, the whole idea of fasting, feasting and the gentle stillness from Shane Hipps, very cool! The gentle stillness is a place I still long to find You. Help me. And increase my wonder from it.

Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.
--> Yes again! This past Monday was awesome to watch the miracle that is taking place. I praise You for it!

Again You will sit with me through pain.
--> Oh man, when Bryan and Kim lost their child to miscarriage, I was so pissed at You. And despite my anger... You sat there with us. You came back and pulled us closer. You let us know that You were not rejoicing either, and we came to see You in new and glorious ways. The pain was intense, especially for Kim and Bryan, but so has been our renewed spirit.

You have loved me with an everlasting love.

Amen.

In the Rustling Grass...

What is amazing to me? That when I turn my attention to You, I can hardly find where you are not. I love this line from the mewithoutYou song, The Sun and the Moon:

"I used to wonder where You are-
these days I can't find where You're not!"

Just at the beginning of this week, I read Psalm 42 more as a plea than a declaration, "When can I meet with God?" Or, even more accurately, "Where can I meet with God?" Sitting here just 3 days later, You are swarming around me. Note to my future self, as you are perhaps re-reading to remember. It started with remembrance of what You had done, it flowed into prayer, it became attention. And now you speak to me everywhere.

This morning, my grandmother gave me some children's CDs that her and grandpa used to keep in the car for us grandkids. Well, I guess I was too old for them, but considering that they still have elementary aged grandchildren now, these CDs have gone through a lot of uses. Anyways, most of the grandkids are upper elementary or middle school now, with two exceptions, and so they handed the CDs over. As Gideon and I listened to them in the van while running errands, I was struck by a song from the "Hymns" album (which is kids singing old hymns!)

"This is my Father's world
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet."

What a simple and strong statement of hope. And there You were, leaping out of the speakers in the Montana and speaking to me again. In fact, the song caught my attention with the line, "In the rustling grass I hear Him pass / He speaks to me everywhere." You have been speaking to me everywhere. And it is not that the song is new. It's not that I've never heard the words before. It seems that I'm just listening with new ears.

Thank You for friends. There is no doubt that my renewal was spearheaded by Bryan's decision to go seek You in the mountains, er, the lakes of Pokagon. I hope that You are making the morning light and the lily white declare Your praise before him this morning. Thank You for the desire that rumbles within us. My greatest prayer is that You come in Spirit and power and fulfill the longing that has been empty.

And I know I need to stay committed as well. The countless short prayers for Bryan, then for Exodus, have now bled into a nice fabric of conversation throughout last night and this morning. It has turned my attention to You. I will soon go about the chores of the day, cleaning and straightening and throwing away. Don't let me lose our conversation. I know I have responsibility in that.

Before I leave this post, let me pray for the day.

Father,
You have been amazing.
You are amazing.
You will be amazing.
Open our eyes to that wonder.
Let that wonder fill our days and actions.
Let Your kingdom come into this world.
Fill us today with Your Spirit, and meet our material needs.
Protect us from the "sinister" as we seek You.
All power and glory and honor to You.
In the name of Christ Jesus,
Amen.

EXC Daily Office: Again

Yesterday's passage dealt with my longing for You. "When can I go and meet with God?" And, brilliantly, "Why are you downcast within me, o my soul?" Nothing could have touched me deeper than that passage, could have described where I am right at this second better than that Scripture. I have longed to be in relationship, spending time, praying, fasting, meditating, studying, etc. When can I go and meet with You? And yet... when I have time I avoid, I seek other projects, I choose sleep, whatever. Why are you downcast and resistant, o my soul? What a paradox.

Today rings back just as deeply. The text from Jeremiah is Your voice, spoken to Your people. "I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will build you up again... Again... you will dance... Again... (you will) enjoy the fruit."

Your love is new. I have experienced this intimacy of relationship before with You. In my fast, in Romania, at Waco Beach, in the early mornings, in my seminary classes last summer, at the birth of my son, when Courtney broke up with me in college... on and on and on. But this everlasting love, it doesn't just dry up. Like the tides, or the waves, it crashes in again and again and again.

Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.

Again You will be with me through my fears at night.

Again You will speak and I will hear my name.

Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.

Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.

Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.

Again You will sit with me through pain.

You have loved me with an everlasting love.

Amen.

EXC Daily Office: Lead With Love

So the other day, I abandoned this to go on a walk with You. And what I realized there is that You would like me to be very much more attentive to my relationships. I need to put ultimate priority in the relationship itself.

I've done a very American thing this winter and summer I'm afraid. I've wanted to quantify my progress in many categories. I actually think that the success of my tennis team last fall started this. Until we won the Sectional, I'd always said that the relationships that I form with my players were the most important thing to me. But then all of a sudden we accomplished something, and my desires shifted.

In line with what I believe about the holistic nature of life, my desires didn't just shift in the tennis realm, but everywhere else as well. The number of people at church began to bother me, the number of times my wife and I were intimate stuck in my head, the number of calories burned at the gym or weight lost from the scale... basically to say that I truly shifted to a state where production was the measure of worth.

I've got to shift back. I've got to measure worth in presence and relationship.

The other day at my grandparents house, my dad shared that several years ago after a sermon he was challenged to think of a life motto, something phrase that he could live by. He thought about it for months and then decided that his motto was: "Just show up." It's something that he definitely embodied, coming to all my high school tennis and basketball matches, something that spoke deeply to me. It occurs to me now that perhaps that was a good way of measuring worth, that he was there. He never judged us on how well we played (though he would offer tips), but instead just enjoyed watching us perform. His simple presence, "just showing up," was really powerful.

Now, I don't want to steal my dad's motto, but I think the principle is so strong. I have got to be available to those who I cherish. That includes You, my wife, my son, my family, my church, my tennis team, my students. And I need to learn to not value them based on their performance, but instead to just value building the friendships, mentorships, and relationships with them.

So, I have to admit, my grandpa thought that it would be a great idea for everyone to have their own life motto. And I nodded and smiled, but inside was thinking that mottos are so trite... blah, blah, blah... (sometimes I'm such a pop culture snob!) Anyways, I didn't put to much serious thought into it. But yesterday, when we were relating, I realized that in many facets of my life I am in a leadership position. From family to church to team to school, I am looked at as a place of leadership. I have struggled with what to do. And suddenly, it came to me, my life's motto!

"Lead With Love."

I love it for many reasons. First of all, it is not about results. It is not about production. It is not "Lead to win," or "Lead to succeed," or "Lead like a champion," or something like that. No. It defines my success as a leader as being about my ability to love. And isn't that what being a leader should be about? Isn't that what Christ did for us? Isn't that what being a husband is supposed to be about?

So that is really helpful, but that isn't the only reason. There's something more subtle.

Lead With.

Such a relationship word, with. Not in front, not dragging the rest along. Not behind, pushing them with my new muscular strength. With. With. With. Walking alongside and through tough times with my family, church, team, and studetnts. Being with them, not talking down to them. Looking for You with them, not lecturing on what I think they should do.

So, I am hoping to be led by this new motto. But I have one request. I cannot "Lead With Love" if I do not "Lead With You." I need our relationship to be strong and alive. Remind me of this every time I start to plan, lead, move, change, direct, coach, teach, preach, sing, instruct, provide, play, whatever. I must be in relationship with You for anything to work. Thank You for revealing and reminding me. Lead me with love, beside me through this path of life. Amen.

EXC Daily Office: No Ifs

The whole premise of the passage today is based on my being apart from You, willingfully moving away from You. If I go up to the heavens, if I make by bed in the depths, etc. No ifs, please, LORD, I want to be where You are. The amazing thing is that You want that too. Yesterday, when I asked what people's responses were to You, Tim wrote that You were awesome and that he couldn't believe the love that was extended to him by You.

I sometimes am cynical. When was the last time I stood in awe of Your love. I think it was probably something to do with Gideon, and the way You have made him. But it hasn't been close enough to me. I shouldn't necessarily have to wait until I feel like You've done something special for me. I should stand in awe of You a lot.

Okay, I don't know what's going on but I am not feeling like blogging. I feel like taking a walk or something. Getting out of this place. I'm going to listen to You, for whatever it is worth. Let's walk. Sorry to all following the blog, probably won't get any clearer here.

EXC Daily Office: What is My Response?

Psalm 139

My first prayer is that Gideon stays asleep long enough for us to talk God. My second is that we can renew the faithful relationship that I preached about on Sunday. It's not that I feel terribly far away, although I've been there, it's that I want the same type of relationship that we had two years ago during my fast.

Back then, I could really say that I felt like You knew me. That You discerned my thoughts. That what was important to You was important to me. That I was making sacrifices for You. That You hemmed me in both behind and before me. What we had was a close, initimate relationship. What we have now feels more obligatory, less personal.

Our relationship reminds me so much of my marriage. At times, Courtney and I are on the same wavelength, on from everything from parenting, to social gatherings, to sex. Other times, I feel like I'm just getting through. We don't see eye to eye, she wants to watch "Housewives of Orange County" and I want to watch the Chicago Fire, and we just sit there on the same couch doing to completely different things. And without thinking, we've grown slightly apart. I mean, it's not bad, we still go to bed together and hold hands and say I love you and kiss goodnight, but, it's not the same. And there seems to be little I can do to control that.

Lately, I've noticed it's the same way with You. My blogs here must be really boring, because they are so cyclical. I'm close to You God, thank You! I'm not close, what is wrong? Draw me back! It is just the ramblings of someone (me) who is hopelessly in need of You. But especially the personal and relational side of You.

But You are with me. I know this. Right now, I need direction. I feel like I'm getting ready for something, being recharged, but I don't know what it is. So my response to You is hesitation. I really don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a bit trapped by obligations (like that of parenting when my wife is at work) but really, I feel like I could be doing many things with my time. I need some direction. And I expect that You are doing something in my life, preparing me for something. I am looking forward to see what comes along next in life and how we will work through it together. I want to be attentive and close to You no matter what I face.

I feel like I just rambled a lot again. Maybe I need to just sit back and listen for awhile. Speak to me, LORD, I love You.

EXC Daily Office: It All Comes Down to Sackcloth

Dear LORD,

There's something about all of the roots that we've gone through so far that I'm noticing. They are all linked to humility in some way. I observed in the great prayers that we read how often the theme of "Your will be done" was weaved into the prayer. In studying Your word, Joel made a great connection to Josiah and reading the word with an attitude of humility and repentance. Now we've moved on to fasting and I find that David has prostrated himself before you in petition with sackcloth and fasting. David practices the root of fasting in order to become humble before you.

Picking up on what I said yesterday, it seems that the most fundamental idol to all of us is us. From the beginning of humanity, we have wanted to be God. Biblical worship of You seems to be centered on one key concept, reminding ourselves that You are God and we are not. Whether that is through prayer ("Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.") or through our attitude as we approach the text, or through the discipline of fasting, the whole point seems to be to remind us of our place in the Really Real Reality.

Yesterday, after contemplating Your awesome nature of giving and loving, I tried to remind myself to do that the rest of the day to others around me. It was amazing how easy it became to be selfish. Simple things, like giving my time to Gideon instead of sitting at the computer reading blogs, that was difficult. Or giving help to my wife as she was cleaning dishes when Bryan and I got back from the Brew (which I didn't do). I realize that I cannot be You. I cannot give and love fully, with all my being all the time. But You can.

I need to start everyday by listening to the song with the chorus "Oh my God, I am not, but You are." It seems fundamental to Biblical worship. I really just want to take some time and tell You that. I am not anything, but You work through me. Therefore, my focus must change on many things. As we struggle with community at Exodus, the question is not how we (or I) change the format, but instead how will You work to bring community to Exodus? How will You work in the hearts of everyone or individuals? How can I support that?

I can start with prayer. Andy is always encouraging us as pastors to be praying about things at Exodus. I love that. It's nice to have a word of reminder to enter into conversation with You. Because the conversation must be started. I must take time to ask and to listen. Hasn't that been what these "roots" have been about?

So, my LORD, You are.

EXC Daily Office: We Don't Want You

Dear LORD,

I know that many of us have made our idols. I know that there are various reasons for it. Your way in this world is difficult, and not because it makes life uncomfortable or unfulfilling, but instead because it is not accepted by everyone else. If I truly want to live according to Your priorities, many people would think I was crazy, including my wife, family and perhaps, many in my church.

You are characterized by giving. Within Your triune nature, You give and love between all. It's as if at the core of the universe is a generous and loving power. Well, not as if, it is that way. But the anti-christ aspect in me is my love of acquistion. I want to gain instead of give. I want beautiful experiences, bigger musces, lots of success and more knowledge. I want to have these things. I want to keep these things. All of these things can become my idols.

One big area I'm concerned about right now is how easily we will trade You for success, immediate success and celebration that is. In the daily office passage today, Moses is gone for awhile and the people get restless. So they seek to fill their needs (spiritual) with a golden calf, much more readily available in their perception than You are. In fact, when You tried to meet them they asked You to stay away. How true is Jesus' story in Luke, about the people who did not like their king. We do not want You.

So that's the problem. You want us, we don't want You. We want a million different things, but they are not You. And to make this more personal, I do not want You. What else is there for me to do? Well I want a million different things as well. I want the church to succeed and to transform the lives of the members. And while that is all well and good, it is not wanting You. I want to spend time with my wife and my son and strengthen those relationships. But that is not wanting You. I want to see and contribute to my tennis team's successs. But that is not wanting You. I want to eat really good food and lots of it but somehow work out hard enough to burn that weight off and be skinny and sexy. But that is not wanting You.

You are loving and giving, giving and loving. Can I want that? Oh LORD, I pray that You can give me the desires of my heart. Give me the desires of Your heart. And breathe that into all of Exodus.

Hear my prayer, excellent God.

EXC Daily Office: But Does Not the Father Guide the Son?

So, Lord, I've been struck today as I continue to think about Deuteronomy 6 with the thoughts of passing on my passion (or lack of it) to my son. I've been reading today through my Google Reader, and there was a post about parents dealing with kids who are rebellious. One of the tips the author gave was that if you say something is important to you, you better show it, or your kids will pick up on it immediately and base their actions on your actions. Not your words.

That's why Deuteronomy is so interesting to me. Obviously, as my good friend Aaron Meares pointed out to me, the entire book of Deuteronomy is interested in how Your story gets passed through the generations. Deuteronomy 6 seems pivotal to me. "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. IMPRESS THEM ON YOUR CHILDREN."

Impress can sound like slavery, but I certainly take that more to mean "make an impression on your children." Our children should know what is important to us. Then the verses continue with talking about the Your decrees when we walk and when we sit, tying them to our heads and forearms, writing them on our gates and doorposts. Basically surrounding our lives and the lives of our offspring with Your words.

What I've been thinking is that there are a lot of action words in this segment: talking, walking, tying, writing. The words become a part of all of our actions. That is so important in doing Your will, even from the beginning, even when You are forming Your people.

So how do I make Your words part of my actions? It's an important question because it doesn't only affect me, it affects my son. The honest truth is that what I value will become apparant to him. In my actions, even as he just begins to speak, I must show him that I love him and I love You. As I talk, walk, sit, tie and write, let me become my Father, let me become like You.

EXC Daily Office: Not My Will But Yours Be Done

Reading through this blog is something that I rarely do. I know, You might think I'd want to kind of chronicle our relationship, what You've taught me, what I'm still struggling with, etc. Maybe I should do that more often in attempt to remember. Today, it was really important for me to just scroll through and look at some of the other Daily Office posts. I was especially struck by a post a wrote about humility bringing about hope. It still seems that I'm hoping that my strength and planning ability, or that of Exodus, will bring about change and transformation in the lives of others. As I read that post again, I see that You were trying to teach me that it is You who transforms the hearts and minds of a community, family, individual.

Again then, my prayer life must start from what my desires are and appeal to the true characteristics of Your nature. You truly are a Father, guiding us through significant life changes and challenges, not dictating but allowing us to choose the nature of our relationship, of our service, of many things. Bless our good choices. When we choose to be faithful, show us Your mercy. We we choose to be unfaithful, show us Your mercy, bring us back. But more than anything, teach me to pray:

Not my will but Yours be done.

I realize how much good intelligent music and lyrics make me think. Obviously, just a couple posts ago I used My Epic's "-" as inspiration to bring me closer to You. Today, I'm struck with mewithoutYou's "A Stick, a Carrot, & String." The part that really gets at what I'm praying about is this:

but does not the Father guide the Son?
not my will, but yours be done.
what else here to do?
what else me, but You?

What else is there in the Really Real Reality other than the will of our LORD? What else? Anybody have a good answer to this question? As I've been memorizing Deuteronomy 6, obviously a key part of that Scripture is what Jesus sites as the most important commandment: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Couple that with 1 John, where showing love to God is equated with obedience to him, and all the sudden I could reword the most important commandment as "Love God by obeying him, by carrying out His will."

Now of course, even as I sit here and type to You I'm aware of all the complications of Your will. First of all, how do we know what it is? Well, a simple and adequate answer You have given me time and time again. Your will is always seeking the good for whatever situation we find ourselves in. It certainly isn't an easy answer and it doesn't remove me from having to think. Let's just give an example here. A tennis player is about to walk into my room in 10 minutes. He's been dealing with a lot. I want to see how things are going. What's the good in this situation? Do I pray with him? Do I try to quote Scripture? Do I just shoot the breeze and build relationship? Do I talk to him about his own faults that are causing some of his problems? What will bring about the most good?

I want not my will but Yours. What I am remembering (just to bring this all back around to the beginning) is that I have to trust that the Spirit will guide and direct me to the good. I trust that You are great and that You will work in me and through me. I trust that Your will can be done in every situation. And so I have hope.

What else is there to do? What else me, but You?

EXC Daily Office: Far Be It From You

Genesis 18

LORD, this week we've begun to seek You and Your face for the sake of others.  So our readings are following that pattern.  Of course, we had to start with Abraham arguing You down about the city of Sodom and Gomorrah.  

It's a brilliant story, with Abraham being both ballsy and compassionate, two things that don't go together very often to make up a modern man.  In the flesh, he approaches You with a disagreement and an appeal to save a people that he really doesn't know well.  I mean, his nephew Lot is down near the people, but other than that, what is his investment in these people.

Which leads me to one observation: Abraham's prayer is compassionate first of all.  Despite the evil of the city, Abraham is looking for the people's good.  Several weeks ago, LORD, I wrote about the book of James, and how Godly wisdom begins with being pure.  Purity then, I remembered, is wanting the good of eveyone in every situation.  Abraham is a man of wisdom, his purity shown through his concern for the people of the evil city.

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I've been trying to finish this thought all day.  From the last paragraph to this one, 16 hours have passed.  Something or someone doesn't want me to finish this post.  There is something powerful that I am about to uncover, or something.  I'm not sure what is going on.

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Okay, so the next thing I was going onto in my thoughts, was that Abraham's prayer is not only for the good of the people, but it is based on Your very character.  I can safely say that I never blatantly pray based on Your character.  I usually just hope that You want to do what I want You to do.  But Abraham challenges You.  "Far be it from you..." to act differently than Your character.

How does Your character play into my prayer situations?  This might be a really good question to pose.  So, looking at the Exodus prayer list:

1. God of relationship and presence, far be it from You to withhold Your Spirit from our community as we seek You in discipline together.

2. LORD, You of Your trinitarian community, continually loving and giving, caring and providing; far be it from You to leave Kim lonely at camp, or to not provide for her in the transition from college to home.

And on and on... sorry, I don't want to reveal all of the problems and such of our community.

But as I continue praying, I have learned something else.  Sometimes, I feel cannot appeal to an aspect of Your character because the problem is obviously with me. But there is no such request really, even if I am at fault.  When I have a request that I should do something about, I should do something about it but I am also falling on Your mercy.

Your mercy is something that I just, I haven't contemplated enough.  I mean really, we come to You with some ridiculous requests at times.  And yet, you listen to us and often You provide.  Like a good parent, You take our requests seriously, even if there things that we can (and should) do ourselves.  I don't think that takes away our responsibility, but it You are working in areas that You don't need to be.  Problems we've gotten ourselves into.  Stresses that we take more seriously than we should.  Worries over things that we put in front of You.  And yet, in Your mercy, you listen.  And often provide.

Lord of mercy, far be it from You to put off our requests.  As we come to You this week, hear and act.  In the name of Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit, amen.

EXC Daily Office: I Am Not, But You Are

Psalm 131

It's been fairly obvious to me what You've been reminding me of this week.  I hear it everywhere when I start to listen.  I added some new songs to my worship playlist on my iPod today, and one of those songs is called "---" by My Epic.  These are the lyrics:

These bones, my frame, won’t hold in place

They’d leave and part ways
If I was without you
This earth, my home, would be alone
There’d be no moon to share the galaxy
If it was without you

My God. I am not, but you are.

What was it like when you prayed
Did the rivers calm when the raging seas obeyed?
What was it like when you slept
Did the rocks come close and the trees lean in
And did the air rejoice just to be your breath?

My God. I am not, but you are.

When your servant tried to ask your name
But a million words could not contain
And the meaning could not be expressed
For the weight would be too much to take
So you cradled him, like you cradle me and whispered
I am

Oh My God! I am not, but you are.

What a way to sum up the week.  Oh my God, I am not, but You are.  

My prayer

Oh my God, I am not, but You are.  

My heart cannot be proud, 

for it only beats because of You.

My eyes cannot be haughty,

for it can only see what Your hands have made.

I cannot concern myself with great matters,

because You are too wonderful for me.

Have I quieted myself?

Have I calmed my ambitions?

I want to listen to You, and speak only of You,

and live only in You.

My hope must be in You,

for You have placed the world in place,

and You are the reality.

Oh my God, I am not, but You are.

I love You.

EXC Daily Office: Humility Forms Hope

Lamentations 3:25-29

I watched a movie at the beginning of May called A Closer Walk. It was a movie about the people all around the world that are affected by AIDS. As I left that movie, I remember one thing standing out. The people who fall victim to the risky behaviors that spread AIDS are the people who have no hope.

I always have been a little removed from the AIDS epidemic. I mean, you get AIDS from doing foolish things. Most people get it from unprotected sex, and often when they are not married, and almost certainly both people have not only had one partner. Or sharing needles when doing drugs. So, if I'm being honest, I had little sympathy.

But then, as I watched this video I began to realize that if you think you've nowhere to go but to continue living in broken down ruins of the old Soviet Union (literally, without a home and living in broken down cement buildings) then why not shoot up while you are there. Don't get me wrong, it's still a bad decision, but more than being a bad decision, I began to see how it was a hopeless decision.

Why am I writing about this LORD, as I come to the passage in Lamentations that is during our week on humility? Why does this memory jump back into my mind? What is shining from the text today is the simple idea that humility inspires hope. I have been rolling the last line of the passage today around in my head, "Let them bury their faces in the dust - there may yet be hope." It seems like a weird image. Since there might be hope, bend down and bow low, mourn and weep.

But maybe this is the way it is: If this world is in human hands, to be built and sustained through the glorious ingenuity of man, then there is no hope. We've seen what the "brilliance of man" does. It is a bunch of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It makes a lot of noise and draws a lot of attention, and utterly crushes many peoples will to live. Simply put, if the greatest power is humanity, we are in it deep.

Still, what if man silences himself? What if we seek You and wait quietly? What if we bury our faces, and our mouths, in the dust? What if You are there and You are the mighty LORD? If man is not the greatest power, but instead the greatest power is You... well, the verse say it well, "there may yet be hope."

Hope is so fundamental to any community, because hopeless people make foolish decisions and destroy community. Yet, I never would have guessed going into this week (even when I picked this passage for the Daily Office) that humility would have a direct connection to our hope.

My Prayer

Let me be simple LORD. Hope is a vital part of growing in our relationship. It is an essential part of making change and continuing to grow. As Exodus seeks to transform lives into Your image, we must rely on the Holy Spirit moving through hope in our lives. Tonight, I see that humility forms that hope, it recognizes that there is more than me.

It is so good for Exodus that there is more than me. We'd be dead if there was only Matthew. But, I admit, there is You.

And so, I bow my head low. My hope is in You. You have been faithful to us when we have been at the end of our rope. When we have been untrue and bitter, You have not left. When we ignore the Spirit, You have still allowed Your presence to remain with us. It's a privilege, LORD, to be in communication and relationship with You.

I cannot lead Exodus on without You. You are our hope.

EXC Daily Office: I Am a Sinner

Luke 18:9-14

So, right now I'm reading about this passage in Eugene Peterson's new book Tell It Slant. So I can't help but noticing what he points out right away: Both of these men in the story are sinners. You were telling a story about two sinners, the problem is that one didn't believe that they were, and exulted himself instead.

How does that speak to me? Well, I have a tendency to get comfortable in my Christian life. I have times when I am not blatantly sinning, You know, no real lust, lying, or anything else. During those times, I can easily begin to believe that things are great, that sin is conquered and then I get lazy. I get lazy, lusty, and lying as my pride pulls me down.

So, maybe the thing that I need to realize in the story of the tax collector, is that it is important to look for your own sin. Perhaps even when it's hiding. Perhaps, or especially, when that sin is pride. And then, in a true confessional way, say the words: I am a sinner.

There's something freeing in those words. Like I don't have to attain salvation and perfection for myself. Instead, I am a sinner and thus must ride on Your strength. A strange phrase to find comfort in, but the truth ends up comforting in the end, doesn't it?

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a sinner. I can easily begin to confess to You specific sins, but I feel I need to define myself beneath Your majestic presence. I am not god, I am a sinner. No matter how well my day goes, no matter how many times I pray, I am a sinner. I love the freedom in that, I love the comfort of knowing that You must take care of me.

Too often I do not throw myself on Your mercy, because I never see my need. Today, make me aware of my need. Reveal dark corners of my soul, where I rarely shine the light of reflection. There are truths about me that I am ashamed to face, but if I do not open them up, am I any better than the Pharisee who can't see his own pride? No. I am not any better than him. The truth is, he is a sinner just as I am a sinner.

So, LORD, have mercy on me.

EXC Daily Office: Words Without Knowledge

Exodus Community Daily Office: Job 38-41

LORD, before I begin my personal study and devotion this morning, let me pray for my fellow "congregants" at Exodus.  We are striving to deepen our roots, and I pray that you will allow us to "eat the fruits of our labor."  Bless this time and fill us with Your Spirit, as we seek to build our passion for You.

My Monday Prayer:

LORD God, I seek You for answers to my problems so often.  Daily I come to you in stress, discomfort, worry, sadness, anger or hopelessness.  And daily You listen, and most days provide an answer.  In the days that You would have me wait, or change, or I don't understand clearly, I become angry and impatient.  I can find myself at odds with You.

But LORD, if You were to question me, I would have no answer.  I cannot tell You how the foundations of the earth were laid, though many would like to try.  I cannot tell You how the cornerstone of the universe was placed.  I only have a vast wonderment with the depth and span of creation, and the awesome power of You, the Creator.

When I come to You with words without knowledge, remind me of who You are.  As we at Exodus undertake a quest for transformation and re-creation, speak to us of Your mighty creative power.  You who give orders to the dawn, You who knows the way to the abode of light, You who fathers the rain, You of immense majesty... You who are our Father.  All that is in and around me finds its life in You.  We have not done or known anything worth this blessing, so it is now that we bow in thanks.

To You or LORD, in the redemptive name of Christ, through the mystery of the Spirit, I pray.  Amen.

The Good That God Desires

James 3-5

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

Wisdom is...

PURE: Purity of heart is to will one thing, the good that God wants for every situation. This is the first of all. Are we seeking the good that God would want in each situation. How many times do I stop to ask this question of myself before I act or say something? Never, is the correct answer. Or the honest answer. I wish I could say different.

I find it interesting that this verse on wisdom follows right on the heels of a discussion about controlling our tongue, about not having praises of God and cursings of men flowing from the same mouth. It's so amazing, is the good that God wants in any situation for the wrong, the annoying, the disconcerting to be repeated over and over. Or to be blamed on the offender to the point of shame or discomfort. The correct answer here again is no, this is not the good that God desires. The good that God desires may be transformation of thought, or reconciliation from the offender, but I really doubt that it is for me to tell others about how someone has wronged me.

Okay, let me make it clearer. When my wife annoys the crap out of me by being irritable, the good that God wants is not for me to make complaints at her expense to Bryan, Andy or Joel. Yes, I may have been offended. And yes, there may be a need to vent to my friends. However, this sharing can be done without snideness and superiority. It can be done in a spirit that is seeking the good that God wills. It can be done as an effort of reconciliation. Then it is being done in wisdom.

The wisdom of heaven seeks first of all the good that God wills for all his creation.

I was going to go point to point in the wisdom passage, but You know what God, that's enough for me tonight. How can I pursue the good that You want when I act and speak? What does that look like as I go to bed tonight? What does that mean when I share frustrations with my friends or with my wife? How should I speak about others?

To speak with wisdom, I should speak and defend the good. Allow me to remember, even when there seems to be nothing good to say at all.

Reading Without Getting It

Hebrews 10-13

Lord, I've continued to read through the epistles of the New Testament, and I've been struck by my different reading of Paul's writings. I mean, in the past I would have said that I didn't really like Paul. But I identified a lot more with him this time through. He seemed to be a person trying to speak truth to people who didn't always want to hear it. And I think the thing that I liked best about Paul was his empathy. He seemed to have suffered and gone through the ringer on his own, so he identifies well with others.

But then this weekend I've come to Hebrews, which some attribute to Paul and some do not. Really, Hebrews has been a difficult read for me. All this priestly talk and the order of Melchizedek (I'm pretty sure that's spelled wrong, but, not a big deal). Anyways, it just strikes me as odd that a HUGE Biblical character like the Son of God would get such a big deal made out of comparing him to a minor character like Melchizedek. Like, Melchizedek was in one story. I think it threw the whole book off for me.

What I'd really like to do is read a commentary along with Hebrews at some point. Maybe a commentary by a Jewish scholar. That would be good.

Sometimes, when I read the Bible, I just get frustrated when I can't quite get it. Because I feel when I can't quite get it that it isn't really lead me or others closer in relationship to You. So, I guess that's why I'm here tonight. Not because I have something brilliant to spout about the text, but instead because I don't. And I still want to use it to point me to You.

Today, in church, I brought up the question of relationship. What is our relationship like with You? I know what I've often wanted it to be. Speak to me to speak through me. Lord, can You please do this? Will You answer me if I stop typing and listen? What do You have to say to me if I am just still? Can You explain Melchizedek? Can You bring me closer some other way? Speak to me as I wait.

Just Because It Went So Well

It's odd.

At the marriage retreat, Chuck often said that Satan would attack us because he doesn't want things to go well within our marriages. I hesitate to speak about Satan, because I find all of that talk really unnerving and weird and associated with fundamentalists. So, I pretty much believe in the existence of Satan and demons, but I don't like to talk about how they work, or "attack," or whatever.

But how do you explain my wife suddenly freaking out tonight over details and my continued irritability (when I'm generally pleasant)? Or Bryan's weird day? Or Joel's mounting frustration and concern? Or my lack of motivation? Are these all coincidences?

I cannot believe it. And the only thing that I can do is pray. Luckily, this weekend we talked about the 3 prayers roots, one of which is intercession. So it is still on my mind right now. I think all across the community we could use some intercession right now. On behalf of my wife and her stress and tiredness. Lord, comfort, calm, soothe, and make right. On behalf of Bryan. Lord, encourage, fortify with strength, energize, and hold him up. On behalf of Joel. Lord, lead with a mighty hand and with clarity. On behalf of others I have not heard from. Lord, bless marriages, bless jobs, bless drives, bless anything that is currently going wrong and wrest control away from those who seek to harm us.

We have dedicated ourselves to You once again. We put ourselves within Your hands.

In the name of Jesus, our blessed Savior, Amen.

The Fruit of Self-Control

Titus 1-3

This weekend at the marriage retreat, I was struck by the differences we started to mull over about men and women. So today, I'm interested in the verse in Titus 2 that talks about what men and women need to be concerned about. Of course, as a man, I'm interested in what is said about us.

Both older men and younger men are encouraged to be self-controlled. I think that is the hardest fruit of the spirit for almost every man that I know. Even harder than gentleness, which seems like it would be difficult for us aggressive and competitive men. Now, I'm not one who actually likes to categorize men and women into tight stereotypes, and so I usually push back against them. But this seems to fit.

I know that it strikes a cord with me. Why is it that I seem to always need more, or that I'm not satisfied with the things that I have, or that I can't stop myself from the sensual. The thing that tastes good, the things that feel good, etc. Or that I can't always convince myself to spend time on the difficult and unpleasant, even when needed.

Paul other passage in Romans seems appropriate here. What I want to do I do not do, but what I do not want to do, this I do. It seems, in many situations, that I have no self control. Today I was eating carrots as a healthy snack. I decided that I was going to have 5. I did, then I read the label and decided I could have two more. Then two more, then two more, then two more. Then I went to the concession stand and bought two bags of peanuts. That is not controlling myself.

And there are other areas as well.

Anyways, as Courtney and I dedicate ourselves to the Christian disciplines once again, it seems as though the fruits will become more evident in us. Lord, as I seek You, I pray that I will become more and more self-controlled. I need that, Lord, I pray. Amen.

Ramblings

So over the past few days I've continued to read Paul's letters, though I haven't had the time to talk to You here. It's been because of several reasons, not the least of which is the new workout program my wife and I have embarked upon. I really appreciate the chance to do something together with her, to have another common goal in completing this 90 day program. I feel like the more her and I share experiences, the stronger and closer our marriage will get. Now, I need the ability to lead her in spiritual activities too. That is something I am committed to.

Along with that, I feel the weight of the church on me this week. And I'm not sure what the next step is. Sometimes I feel that I am a dreamer, visioner, and schemer, but when it comes to the details I'm not sure what goes next. I'm not sure that we came to a final conclusion at our leader's meeting as to what to do next, so that makes me feel in paralysis. Lord, I often seek You in questions, and today I have a simple one. What do I do?

I pray that Your leading was in the email I just sent. Lord God, I love You. I want to serve You and lead others to serve You too. I am praying today in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

We are One in the Bond of Love

Ephesians 4-6

Unity of the faith is a really interesting thing. Paul begins talking about one God, one body, one baptism at the beginning of this passage in Ephesians. I always wonder what this means for our modern congregations. Is it okay for us to have a small group of Exodus-ites who don't completely agree theologically with Sugar Grove Church down the road, as long as we would work together with them if the need arose to serve the wider community? Is it okay that Sugar Grove has 500-600 people and River Oaks has 800 and so on and so on, and that these people will never worship together? What really does this unity of the faith mean?

But rather than philosophize about this Lord, I'd like to know what it means for me.

The part of this that strikes me as an individual is the sentence, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." When put in these terms, it seems that Paul is talking more on a relational level than an organizational level. When dealing with other members of the church, other individuals who love Christ, be humble, gentle, and patient. When we disagree or have different goals, bear with one another because of the love of Christ.

I like bringing it down to these relational terms. Because I believe Paul probably saw it this way. But also, I can relate because I deal with Christians every day who I can be tempted to be un-unified with. From the pastors of my own congregation to the students I see in my classroom at school, there are Christians who I am ready to cut off.

So, God, this metaphor of cutting things off has been working in my head for the last week. What are You trying to tell me. First the parable of the fig tree that gets a little bit more work, then this passage of bearing with one another. It seems to me that You might be drawing me somewhere. But how?

I could just launch into a series of questions for You. But I'll spare that to hear You talk to me instead. I am prepared to hear what You have to say.

Thank You for the day, by the way. I'm going to need your strength to stay up all night and "bear with" middle schoolers. But it is still a good day!

Living with It

Ephesians 1-3

I'm amazed at how quickly you have to move through Paul's letters if you are trying to read through the Bible in a year. In other words, I have to read three chapters at least per day. But the thing is, that doesn't really give me enough time to understand what is really going on. Paul is really quite difficult to understand. Some days I really like this, it makes Paul seem like a real human, working through things and figuring out what it means to be a follower of Christ. Other days, like today, this drives me nuts, because I'm too tired to follow the meandering logic and complicated sentences. And by tired I mean because it's 5:00 in the morning, and I'm still feeling like I should be laying next to my wife.

You know, yesterday morning, I was thinking after we had some time together about the purposes of this time. I was thinking if I always learned something new to do during this time with You, I was going to end up with 365 new things to do by the end of a year. Which is not sustainable. So, what is this time really for? And I thought, while I read Scripture and try to apply it, this time is probably just as much about relationship with God as it is breaking down Scripture. In fact, because I don't bring commentaries or anything to this time, just me, it's probably more about relationship right there. Even the insights that I glean from Scripture are often of a personal nature.

Right now, in my life, I think I have a tendency to still compartmentalize You. (I'm kind of leaving Ephesians for now, don't know if I'll get back or not). It's funny, because one of my critiques of modern Christianity is our ability, not a good ability, to leave God in church and live in the world according to our own desires. But despite my own critique, I've noticed lately that I've been seeking You with a large part of the seeking being about how to run and lead my church.

But then, I notice things. A couple of weeks ago, a car was broken down on the side of the road. I didn't even see it, kind of glanced at it after I passed, and I wasn't sure whether they were broken down, pulled over talking, in a wreck, whatever. It didn't really even cross my mind to go back. But then my brother called. He too had been driving the same road and seen the car, and he had stopped to see what was the matter. Why didn't I even think of stopping? Where is my tendency for deliverance in normal life?

Or when I'm talking to people at school or those I don't know very well. I'm always looking for an out in the conversation. I don't really like to talk to people. I know, I know, that has somewhat to do with personality, and I know, I know, I can't make excuses. But like Paul is talking about unity in Christ in Ephesians here, and I know that it is hard for me to find these kind of unifying things with other believers because I'm not real comfortable talking to people. So, where is my tendency for community with others during the course of the week?

And am I looking for knowledge of God, and reordering in my daily life? No. And am I experiencing the shalom of God? No. I've known that for a couple months, but I keep living as if everything is okay. I don't talk to anyone about it really because I know that it is not "catastrophic" bad, just "annoying" bad.

So, I wonder if I can live to D.C.K.L. beyond Sundays? When it really impedes on my personal life? When it is outside the reach of Exodus Community?

Lord, speak to me. Amen.

By Your Spirit

Galatians

"Live by the Spirit."  Paul's cry to the Galatians is to put aside the law and live by the spirit of Christ.  In this way they will be truly free, the freedom for which You came for us.  When I read it in Galatians, I am kind of sitting here, nodding my head going, "Yea, I need to live by the Spirit."  

Then I start thinking..."So what does that mean?"  The Scripture, the law, that's pretty easy to follow.  Living by the law is pretty straightforward.  It's difficult, for sure, and you mess up a lot, but you know when you've done that.  You can study and gain more knowledge and realize what you are supposed to do.  You can check off the ten commandments to be sure you are living in a proper manner.  But when you live by the Spirit?  What guides are there?

I suppose it is a relationship, but I wish Paul would talk a little bit more about how he lives by the Spirit.  He gives us the evaluative measure, the fruits of the Spirit, but not the prescriptive measure of how to get there.  I wonder if that's the point, that living by the Spirit means many things, but that they are all anchored in Christ and should produce love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

One of the complaints that I've had recently against Exodus is that the Spirit does not seem to be alive and moving in us.  I don't really know what I mean by that Lord, but it seems to be true.  Joel said that a couple of weeks ago and it was like someone said the words I'd been searching out for weeks.  The danger of our new format is that we are doing things, helping people in distress, coming together as community, seeking to learn new truths... but are we seeking Your Spirit as well?  I mean, that's a really good question.  A really, really good question.

We get so into the D.C.K.L. that we forget to let You work in us as well.  Well, as the pastor, I cannot let that happen.  My prayer for today is for an anointing of Your Spirit on the church, and people committed to living by Your Spirit.  I don't know what that will look like or what I will have to do to contribute, but let us live by Your Holy Spirit.  Amen.

Go on Boasting

2 Corinthians 9-13

When I was in high school, I often would write songs based on my Scripture reading.  The songs weren't praise songs, they were supposed to be indie rock songs; shoegazer-like anthems about the struggles of being a person.  Maybe you could call them a bit of 1997-8 emo, but not like what we call emo in 2009.  Anyways, I'd throw on my grunge pedal and try to write a droning song.  I know this is a silly question but, do you remember that?

I wrote one song about Paul's boasting here in 2 Corinthians, where he writes of being shipwrecked, beaten, and on and on.  They make the perfect high school lyrics to speak of struggle.  Not much for metaphor or application then, I'm not really sure I looked for how I could boast of You in my weakness.  But I'll take that task today.

What are these things that are difficult that I've had to endure for Christ?  The difficulty of leading Exodus, my daily concerns for each of our members, the daily frustrations that I can have with myself primarily and others secondarily when we don't change.  Those are all emotional concerns.  Where are my physical shortcomings?  Where have I been shipwrecked, abandoned, thrown in prison?  

Look, I know we're living in a world that supports Christianity, so being thrown in prison here in the States for preaching, teaching, or advancing the Kingdom is unlikely.  And ships are built much sturdier, let alone my distance from the sea.  So shipwreck is unlikely as well.  

So my question, without the marks of suffering, am I being bold enough?  Am I really speaking the words that You give me to speak?  Let me slow down and find the answer to that question today.  

In the meantime, thank You.  Thank You that I've had such a blessed life.  I will not forget to rejoice in that today!  Indeed, You are a great God.  And I love you for it.  Amen.

Beatings and Riots

2 Corinthians 6-8

Paul went through a lot of hardships for You. I mean, in chapter 6 here he lists a bunch of things: hardships, distresses, beatings, imprisonments, riots, sleepless nights, hunger, being regarded as impostors, being regarded as unknown, sorrow, poverty.

And yet, despite all of those things, Paul had an attitude of joy that allowed him to continue living in Your word and leading others in it as well. I've been having difficulty staying committed to this task. It has been because I have felt a lack of affirmation for others and that their is a lack of commitment from others. My students at school sometimes seem the definition of apathy and disinterest, and in my tasks at Exodus I have just felt worn down by a variety of tasks. But that's it, I've just been worn down.

Here's what I wonder about Paul. He had certainty. You appeared to him and he was changed. When he went out to tell his story, he had no doubt in it. You appeared. You came in a bright light. You talked to him. So when he was beaten, opposed, whatever it wasn't like he could stop and think and say, well, maybe there is a better way to do this. Or maybe I should leave this to others. He just reflected on Your meeting with him, and I'm sure this was refreshing.

And I doubt myself. Couldn't ever step out on the water, because I'm afraid I would do something to mess it up. Couldn't ever face a beating or imprisonment because I would rethink my views, be wishy-washy, something... I know my strengths, but one of them is not certainty.

It occurs to me that there may be several ways to develop more certainty and authority in my teaching and preaching. The first would be to remember. Paul could always remember what God had done for him, he could speak authoritatively from his story. I sometimes have trouble relating my "God-experiences" with others because they might doubt my story. But I don't doubt my story. These personal experiences should shape the person I am in my faith moving forward, and be a way to make it through current tough times.

Secondly, I can keep finding time to spend alone with You. If You are the one who re-energizes us through the times of beatings, sleepless nights, and distresses, then why don't I make a point to meet with You? I mean, I have had these mornings, but perhaps I can find regular time too, throughout my day.

So, now I go on to live in Your light and renewal. Thank You for this day! Amen.

All Bright and Beautiful

2 Corinthians 4-5

What's the brightest thing people see when they look or listen to me?

Do I really let myself be a simple jar of clay, or do I adorn myself so that people can see me? Do people see anything bright in me at all?

I'd like to say that people see the light of Christ in my life, like The Message translation says, "all bright and beautiful." I'm not sure. At school, when I'm teaching Bible I'm always worried that I'm making the Bible confusing and boring. That's really difficult for me to handle because I find the word of God so inspiring (most of the time). I want the message of Christ to shine out of me.

So the interesting thing is that Paul notes here in the passage that outwardly they look beat and worn down, but inwardly they are being renewed. I'm sure that when the heart, mind and soul are being renewed, then the energy of God flows out of that renewed spirit and people see the beautiful message of Christ in the enthusiasm and life coming out of that. The thing that I've worried about for myself is that outwardly I might look in good shape, but inwardly is where I've been worn down. Then, no matter what my "jar of clay" might look like, the light isn't shining out of my life.

Yesterday and today have been really good though. I really appreciate getting back into the word like this. Although I'm sure at some point it will get old and feel like a responsibility and a pressure more than renewal and pleasure. Help me keep a good attitude toward this study time. It's been interesting this week for sure, as I've been going through a really stressful time at work I haven't felt the stress too badly. So, perhaps this is the beginning of my "bright" inward renewal.

Whatever it is, my prayer has been "Speak to me, speak through me." Perhaps at times that speaking through me needs to be silent, just letting You shine through my attitude and actions. I pray that I am representing You to others, whether consciously or unconsciously, let my life begin to truly shine. Really speak to me. Let me hear the Word. Then let others see You, my precious God, speaking in my life, "all bright and beautiful." Amen.

On Comfort and Letters

2 Corinthians 1-3

This site is a lot of things for me. It is a place to basically type out my prayers to You. It has been a place for me to study the Scripture with You. It has been a place for me to write about You. My reading schedule this year through Scripture hasn't been very helpful, and so today we're going to change it a little bit. I've been studying by genres of Biblical literature, but looking at a different genre each, going through a rotation. It's just one that I found on the internet, but the problem is that I have very little continuity. So it's hard to connect from day to day. So I'm reading a lot of different Scriptures but feeling like the narrative is getting lost.

Today I'm going to change a bit and focus on one genre until I finish it. The first genre I'm going to look into is the Epistles. There is a reason too. I want to see the way that Paul, James, Peter, and others talked to the early churches. Since I'm involved in a young church, that needs much encouragement at times, maybe some direction as well, how did they do it and what were they concerned about. Okay, enough chronicling of purpose, off we go!

Two things strike me today about this Scripture, one is the idea of comfort and the other is the concept of being a letter.

First, comfort. I've been feeling lately a lack of comfort, a life full of stress, and I've been looking everywhere for affirmation. I've talked to You about this before, and You were so good as to remind me that "I am Your son, You are well pleased." At times, however, I am stubborn in my search for human validation. I get some, sometimes, but far less consistently than if I would count on You. Paul though, praises You as the God of all compassion and comfort, who comforts us in our troubles. And then that comfort can be extended from us to others.

So what I need is continual compassion and comfort in order to lead Exodus. The pressure has become amazing, and what I've noticed is that I have less and less comfort and compassion to give to others. Actually, I have less and less capacity for relationship in general. That has really been irking me, Lord, since relationship is the complete reason of starting Exodus. I need that real sense of Your comfort then, of our relationship, so that I can extend it to others. Please, help remind me throughout the day.

Secondly, there is the idea of being a letter. All of Exodus is a letter, wide open for others to read. What do people read there on a regular basis? We would like people to read: Deliverance, Community, Knowledge, and Land. And I think that has been evident to some. I think GG would read Deliverance. I think that the families we helped with unemployment would read Deliverance. I think that some of us might read Community. Knowledge, I'm not sure. I think most of us see that is too hard right now. It's difficult to keep the balance for sure. And as for the whole cycle, DCKL, I don't think it could be read in its entirety through our community. Plus, I think there are other distracting and demoralizing things that others would read in us. Or at least that when I "open the book" that is Exodus, I read some things I'd rather not.

How can I lead so that we all read the same way? Rejoicing in the way You have lived the DCKL for us so that we can live the DCKL for others, that is what I want our community to say. Comfort me in my feelings of shortcoming this morning, and let this be a place of renewal and new beginning, instead of just a mournful place.

I love You, and thanks for the listening ear. Now, speak to me, speak through me. My Lord, Amen.