God of Mercy and Compassion

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 33-35

There's a line of Scripture that has bothered me for a long time, and I came across it again today. The verse is Exodus 33:19 -

"And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion."

I guess I understand what's going on here, when I look at it in context. Moses has asked to see Your glory, and You agree. Perhaps, probably, this statement about having mercy on whom You will have mercy is simply to emphasize to Moses that even though You are granting his request, You are the one who is ultimately in control. As Robert Altar says in his commentary, Your goodness is not amenable to human prediction, calculation, or manipulation. Even though Moses had found favor in Your eyes, and in this case You were granting his requests, in the end You cannot be told what to do. I suppose that is really the meaning of what's going on here. Basically that You are all powerful, we should not believe that any ritual, prayer, or suggestion will force You to do what we desire.

What bothers me about the passage is sinking a little in the light of this new understanding, but it still stirs my soul to want to question You slightly. The way that this is worded makes it seem like You may choose not to have compassion on some people, that You may choose not to have mercy on some people. I suppose that there are lots of logical reasons why You wouldn't have compassion on people (like they refuse Your mercy and grace, and they harden their hearts against You, like Pharaoh). Still, just saying that there are those who don't receive Your mercy and compassion, that seems so out of character with You. You know, and if You're the one who ultimately decided who You dole out Your care too, does our attitude and such even matter?

I know that there are other glorious sides to You as well, that may negate this weird mystery problem. I know that consistently throughout the Scriptures You are a God who limits Yourself for our sake. Though You have the right and the power to control everything You often bend to answer the prayers of the ones who love You, You allow us the freedom of choice, and eventually in the story of Scripture, You limit Yourself to human form and come to be with us. As far as this mercy and compassion question goes, perhaps there are limits involved here as well. Perhaps You allow Yourself to be limited to answering the prayers of those who cry out, though You could simply ignore them.

Maybe that is another great lesson of praise for me today (why do I consistently say maybe when I'm talking with You. Maybe because I want to know You, but I hesitate to say I've got it all figured out.) What I mean by a lesson of praise is that if You have the right and the ability to do whatever the heck You want, and then You choose to limit Your self to answering my prayer. That's incredible!

My prayer for today? Have mercy and compassion on Your people, just like Moses prayed. I'm not sure that we've angered You enough that You don't want to go with us, but just like Moses begged, You have to go with us. Life isn't really worth living if You aren't walking with us. So be compassionate as You are Lord, be gracious as You are, and come with us wherever we are going today.

Catch Up Reading

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 25-32

As You can see, and already knew, I got a little bit behind in my discipline this weekend, even as I taught on it for Exodus. Certainly, there were some other things we were doing together Lord (like preparing the sermon), but still I fell behind in the reading. Which simply means I have to read a lot today to catch up.

Problem with catch up reading is that I don't ever read as carefully. That was true in school too, You know. You miss a couple days assignments and all the sudden you are 183 pages behind where the professor wants you to be. So you read really fast, catch up, but you have no idea what you just read. Then you do poorly on the quizzes anyways.

That's my problem this morning. I want to take the text seriously, but I had about 10 minutes to read 8 chapters. That's a lot. Plus, the text for today was all about the ark and the tabernacles and the priestly garments. It's not exactly a grab your attention thriller.

Still, I'm back on track and there's some type of good feeling in that. I haven't failed, I've rescued my cause. I didn't let myself fall 15 chapters behind (at which point I'd probably have quit). So, I guess there is something to be said for my discipline.

The other thing I'll add before I head to work. I enjoyed our time together this weekend putting together the sermon. Thoughts that were not mine flowed out of me and I ended up with a teaching that I was proud of. And You know, that was all You, bringing thoughts to focus, giving me Scriptural metaphors, even causing some good (and unplanned) humor and discussion from the rest of Exodus. So I really want to point to You on this, thank You for meeting with me for such an extended amount of time to help teach.

Now, help me and others take this seriously. I am rising today to take part in "daily baptism." Right now I have taken time in silence and sacrifice to say, "No. I will not serve myself today." May You be with me as my next steps are, "Yes. I will follow You."

Blocked Prayer

Yesterday morning after I finished typing here I began to have a conversation with God. I was especially concerned about Bryan and his job, but as soon as I tried to pray about it I felt distracted. Started thinking about school, worries, sports, whatever. It was important to me so I tried to refocus and yet, I couldn't bring myself to actually pray about what was going on without becoming distracted.

It was then that I realized. There are other spiritual forces at play in the world other than God who would rather that I didn't pray for Bryan. Who are here to destroy goodness. That is a thought that weirds me out when I'm honest, but that I also know that the Bible treats these other spirits very seriously. Why else did Jesus go around throwing out demons? They're real, I just don't like to acknowledge any sort of other spiritual presence.

In Jesus name, I was able to pray through that yesterday. But again today, prayer about certain things seemed blocked. Makes me wonder where all there are significant power struggles of spiritual forces and I am unawares. It's a scary thought.

Lord Jesus, as I continue to converse with You throughout the day, show me these blockades that need to be dragged down. Where do they exist? I praise You for fully answering and working in situations I prayed about yesterday, with Bryan particularly. I always want Your praise to be quick to my tongue so that I do not forget the wonder You do around me every single day.

Walk with me today I pray. Amen.

The Refreshing Here and Now

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 16-18

As I flipped down through my posts yesterday, I realized that I must always seem like I'm complaining on the blog. I ask a lot of questions, often say how texts or behavior is frustrating to me, and most often stand throughly confused at what You want me to do. I guess this is what they call struggle, which You have revealed through the Word and I truly believe to be a good thing.

I guess I write that this morning to say that what I share with You is often the un-figured-out side of my faith. As I wrote yesterday about personal praise, it was kind of a side note to the entry, but it is making me stop and think today. How often do I partake in that type of worship. My prayers often reflect the same type of thoughts that I share with You here, with maybe a bit of praise sprinkled here and there.

Joel preached on Sunday about maintaining our focus on the here and the now. Distraction in our spiritual lives comes when find ourselves floating around in the what about last week, what about tomorrow, worry and doubt cycles. Fear has such a grip on that type of existence. But here and now living, that allows us to see what we have, the good that we are right now doing, etc.

Last night, Courtney and I were sitting in bed. She was holding Gideon and I had my arm around her. I looked her in the eye, shook my head in wonder, and said, "I love you." She gave me a confused smile and offered back the same thoughts. But I think the depth of my feeling caught her a little off-guard. I mean, this wasn't some routine, "see-you-after-work" I love you. I meant so much more, but didn't have the words to say it.

My son, my wife, what amazing pillars of joy in my here and now! I absolutely cherish the time I spend with them. They are such a big part of my personal praise Lord. You have blessed in astonishing ways with those two. I simply recognize the part You play in that this morning.

And yesterweek (that's a new made up word one of my precious eighth grade students gave to me) I sat at my computer trying to think of a way to tell my best friends what they mean to me. That I have a tight-knit community, one that seriously encourages me to be serious about You, that's a gift. Speaking of knitting, You have guided and woven my life together with some special people. Your people. And living our lives together only happens because we believe that's what You would have us do. Because that's the best way to live. And that has proven true.

Even simple things strike me this week. My house is a 1914 Craftsmen style home. Bryan is working on a logo for a Craftsmen style village. We walked around looking at the unique features of my house. It's really a neat little place that as we looked at the windows beside the fireplace, I said, I love these little details, I love this home. Again, not possible without Your blessings.

So certainly, people and possessions You have blessed me with. But also with the experiences that I have with You and those people. Gideon's birth (amazing!) or even Abigail's early baby-hood last year. Watching, waiting, praying with friends who need a new job (provided), need to move through a bad situation (working), or even need a car (provided, twice!)

I don't want to be the Israelites, complaining that there is no food and no water. I want to be the one who has my eyes open to the here and now and sees all that You have provided me, blooming all around me. I want to say thank You. I want to say I love You.

And I mean that, deeply.

Through the Sea of Reeds

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 13-15

I am surprised at the amount of new thought that is springing forth as I read through Exodus again Lord. We just finished teaching the book to our community, and I feel as though we could go right back through and touch on completely different truths, while still being true to the narrative. When we talk about the importance of story, I see it here. As I change and grow, the story looks different even though it is written the same.

I sit here today with two main thoughts from this Scripture reading. One came up in conversation Sunday with Bryan, and that is the personal nature of Biblical worship and song. It's not all God is great and God is good, it often includes an element of what You have just done. For example, in chapter 15, the song of praise they sing is about Pharaoh's army being drowned in the sea, and how that provided deliverance, and how that shows Your glory. Too often I think we generically praise instead of seeing the deliverance and provision all around us and specifically praising for that.

The other main thought I have is about the deliverance act of parting the waters. I know the Israelite people were whiners, and they are at their best here as they sat by the waters. Did you laugh at them to, Lord, when they cried out, "Were there not enough graves in Egypt? Is that why you brought us out here in the desert to die?" It's so ridiculous of a claim.

But it's ridiculous only because I know the ending. I mean, when I stop and put myself in their sandals, it is a very different situation. You had said earlier in chapter 14 that they aren't ready to face war, so if we assume that You were right (I know it's a stretch:) then these people are going to freak and probably die if they have to fight. Well Pharaoh's army is coming right at them, there aren't any escapes by land and they have a sea to their backs. Where do they go?

I identify with their situation. It looks like a frustrating no win. "I can't do this because of this, I can't do that because of that other thing, and we can't go through the sea...because, well, it's a sea!"

Why did You bring Exodus Community to the spot that it is. Do we really look like the people that we say we are? Are we really being transformed? Is it because other churches were too filled with spiritually dying people that You brought us out together to Exodus, that we might become what we hate together, dying in our own tiny place? We can't help this person because... We can't do because they'll think...

So what? Is it time for You to take us through the Sea of Reeds? Because we seem throughly stuck, and it seems easier to talk about the problems that have us stuck than any way out. Maybe that's because we're up against a sea.

So my question then is what is hemming us in that You can lead us through? Help us to remember that we don't have to solve every problem, You are very good at that, but that many times we do need to walk through them.

What personal praises we will sing to You then, when You've taken us through this? I'm am excited and expectant to find out. Speak to us, speak through us. Amen.

How serious?

Scripture Reading Today: Exodus 1-3

Many thoughts running through my head today Lord, which is good. It seems to have been a long time since I've really had this flow going, where I am truly excited to be learning and contemplating. But with my head going in so many different good places, I'm not sure where to direct this conversation this morning.

I guess, both of my main thoughts do come together on one issue. Seriousness. As I think about Scripture, conviction, Your will some things are murky to me. Many things I just don't understand. But some, admittedly few, things are crystal clear. The biggest of those clear things was reemphasized today in my reading of Exodus.

"I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering." --- Exodus 3:7

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You are concerned with those who cry out, with those who are suffering. Your call to us, as those who love You and are blessed by You, is right from this same heart. Be concerned about the poor, the oppressed, those who are crying out. But serious concern, serious enough to do something.

I know that You want us to be concerned. That's why I spout that off all over the place, to anyone who is willing to listen. But what do I do about it? Often times, just like the other things I lack discipline about, I sit back and say yes this is wonderful, yes let's help those who don't have enough, yes, yes, yes! But then the time continues to get away from me while I just sit there thinking, "Where do I start? How do I start? Will I really make a difference? How can I even relate to their world?"

The thing that is most frustrating is that right now I know where to start. We have relationships with those who are in need. I know how to start. You've been pulling on my heart ever since Gideon's birth about this and I know what I should do. Will I make a difference...yea, that's really a ridiculous question by me. It's honest, but ridiculous. Can I relate, I don't think they'll care. That's only a fear of mine.

But am I serious about my faith? That's a crucial element here. Will I push for what my head believes and look to You for strength and hope, or will I retreat into fear? If I was putting money on me, I know I'd lay it on the fear. But I'm not, I'm putting money on You (well, okay, not really). When we're weak, when we would choose fear, You are strong.

Still Thinking About Discipline

One of the things that is interesting about Christianity is the problem that it's freedom creates. Lord, You never demanded that we pray five times a day facing Jerusalem, or that we start every morning by reciting the Lord's prayer, or any other sort of ritual. In fact, many Christians deride ritual. Then there is the fact that You are instantly available to our prayers any time we lift them up. So again, You have no schedule that You require us to fulfill.

But maybe all this freedom is the problem. How many days do I wake up in the morning, feel cozy next to my wife and think to myself, "I'll do my Scripture reading later"? But then I never get to it because it just doesn't fit in. I have the freedom to push it off, therefore I have the freedom to not do it at all. Same is true of prayer, Lord. How often has someone asked me to pray for them, and instead of immediately praying for them right there, I tell them I'll remember it for later and then I forget?
We have more access to You than we can handle, because we end up taking You for granted.

Discipline. What is this becoming to me in my mind? Discipline seems to be the process of limiting myself, limiting my freedom, in order to be more effective in accomplishing a goal. That limiting may come through schedule, or ritual, or a task I perform every day (Scripture reading). The goal is to get closer to You.

And how much more meaningful it is when we choose to give up our freedom and be limited? I know one of the most meaningful things to me in my marriage is when I know that my wife is tired and yet she will stay up with up and attend to my needs, talking to me, laying close to me, watching a basketball game with me. It's special because she freely gives up sleep, and our relationship grows ten times as fast in these times of sacrifice.

Amazingly, You gave us a perfect example of limits, of discipline that made You more effective in reaching a goal. Except, Your goal was us. The discipline was taking on all the limits of human flesh, all the temptations, all the sorrows, all the pains, the complete weakness compared to Your complete strength. And by choosing to give up Your ultimate freedom, You gave us the opportunity to be closer to You than we could have imagined.

But we must follow suit. We must be limited as well. Instead of being paralyzed by an all-encompassing freedom, Lord, let me choose limits. And just so we are clear, I'm going to define my limits today in this space, before You.

- Mornings with You
- Scripture reading daily (Bible in a Year, starting tomorrow)
- Conversational prayer daily

They are simple, but they will require sacrifice. Help me to rejoice in that!

The Back of Your Glory

and other random thoughts...

So Lord, this past week Courtney and I have been working through a devotional book together and one of the readings was about Moses asking to see Your glory. We've recently taught about this in Exodus Community, and it's a passage I've become familiar with. It's was interesting how looking at it through lectio divina changed it.

Well, not really changed it, just gave me a concrete example as to where it happens in my life and the lives of others around me.

I can't tell you how wow'ed (I know that's not a word, oh well) I am about what happened for Bryan. The whole timing, especially since it coinciding with so much thought about waiting for both him, I, and the community. Waiting, meaning searching for You and asking You what opportunities fit us best, relying on You to help bring us into a place of fullness. As I watched the process with Bryan unfold, there was just really beginning to be a sense of desperation about the whole job search. Bryan was getting frustrated about just being at home. Money was getting tight. School was seeming like a fruitless option. But then...

You break through and bless. At the perfect time You made a way for Bryan, a way for him to have all his needs fulfilled. The whole time Bryan was searching both him and I were wondering where You were, why You didn't show up and show yourself and then there You were, providing.

I think that is a perfect example of us seeing the back of Your glory. You didn't allow us to see the glorious way You wove circumstances together for the best. That would have been overwhelming to us I think, because there were probably so many different aspects involved in arriving at this place of provision for Bryan. It's like You had Your hand over our eyes while You did all the glorious work, and then as You finish You walk by and say: "Here's what I've provided!"

It's amazing, it makes us giddy, and it's just the back of Your glory.

Where To?

Drifting, it's a good way to describe my discipline right now. As You know, I've been really convicted about getting back into a very disciplined routine lately. So this week I've made it a priority. But I'm starting to get stuck. Yea, I know, already. I'm stuck within a week!

The problem isn't motivation or time. It's destination. What am I working through and where is it taking me...

No, actually as I type this out I realize that it's not even that. It's this evil fight that I frickin' fight all the time. It's the fight of production. Every time I sit down with You I feel like I MUST walk away with something to share with others or even just for my own benefit. And so I chase things that give me good feelings. And when the feelings begin to fade...

I need to keep being honest with this stupid, but all to real, instinct. My mind and all I want to believe about true Christ-likeness says that transformation and relationship are the ROAD, not the destination.

Wait, I remember blogging about the way, the truth, and the life awhile ago. What did I say about that? Okay, I don't think that I had the same thought that I have now. The Bible is about repetition, saying the same thing in different ways. What if when You said You were the way, the truth, and the life You were saying all those things (way, truth, and life) are the same thing?!

That's brilliant! The way (like the road, the path, the journey) is the truth. The way is life. Not the ending point. Not the destination. Not what we produce. The way of discipline then, not necessarily what I take from it, that is truth. The disciplined way of living, committing to early morning relationship, that is life.

This makes me feel really free! Free from having to produce some brilliant thought of my own. Free to simply rest with You.

LORD, that is what it is all about. Build my discipline, build our relationship, as we walk this path together.

A Passion That's Been Building and Building

So, Lord God, I'm really trying to get back into a reading schedule, a prayer ritual, and some other personal habits that will allow me to make the time with You a priority. Yesterday and Monday night with the teaching meeting, I was contemplating discipline and what it means. Today as I read through Genesis I think I get even a different take on discipline.

Jacob, a character who I find fascinating, has spent twenty-some years away from his homeland and returns to settle there. His father Isaac had only one God, You namely. But when Jacob goes to find a wife among his own people, those who his grandfather Abraham had left behind, he is again influenced by a culture of many gods. So when he returns to his homeland, his household (servants, children, wives) are bringing with them many different gods.

Jacob had continually had encounters with You and seemed to be dedicated to serving only You. So when he settled down, You said, "Go ... build an altar there to God, who appeared to You..." I find it super interesting when people build altars in the Old Testament. Why and what are they doing?

To me, an altar is like a marker, a sign post, a reminder. Jacob builds the altar at Bethel, the area of land that he settles in. Because the altar is so close, it must have been a daily reminder to him of the Lord, and the things You had done for him. Perhaps it was also a way for Jacob to be reminded to be thankful, because he built the altar in recognition that You had been with him wherever he went.

So, now considering this for me... we don't make many altars anymore. But that doesn't mean that we can't have signposts, markers, reminders. In many ways, that is what a spiritual discipline does. Just like Jacob, when we enter into a discipline we have to "get rid of the foreign gods we have with us," i.e. the things that distract us from You. As we do that we begin to build a tradition or ritual that we daily experience as way of reminder.

Without discipline, without reminder, our hearts are easily blown about. But there is something settling and grounding in a tradition of discipline.

So this morning and coming mornings, let me continue to put off other thoughts and distractions and build up my time spent with You. Let me be grounded in You and in remembrance today.

Discipline

When we have the freedom to do anything we often sit around and do nothing. That's why we limit ourselves purposefully into some sort of discipline. Whether it be an exercise routine, a diet, or a Bible-in-a-year reading plan, discipline gives us structure. It takes away the "bigness" of freedom, and allows us to move somewhere.

So for the past 6 months I've been stuck in bigness. I finished my Bible-in-a-year plan and didn't want to simply repeat it because I thought I could do something else. I should have repeated it. In allowing myself the freedom to do something else, I then had to define what that something else was. And in that there is a lot of freedom. And I got lost in it.

So, new discipline for a new year right? Shouldn't be ashamed that I'm trying to do the exact same thing as people all across the nation, get myself into a more healthy routine. Of course, the difference is that my routine needs to be time with You. So back to the Bible-in-a-year plan. Maybe back to blogging, if that helps my routine, but no promises. Because discipline isn't about what I should produce (i.e. brilliant thoughts to wow anyone who stumbles onto my blog) and discipline isn't about enjoyment (i.e. sudden epiphanies and tingling spiritual closeness). Although those things will happen sometimes, they can't be the goal.

The goal is You, everyday entering my life, in the ordinary practice of reading and prayer. Start today Lord.

The Normal, the Ordinary

Last night Courtney and I were reading through the new devotional book that I picked up over Christmas break. It's a book that has 365 days of lectio divino, and we were prayerfully working through a small bit of Scripture focusing on when You gave manna to the Israelites in the desert.

The commentary in the devotional was centered around the idea that the Israelites had a need, they asked You to provide, and You did. But the Israelites didn't recognize that You had provided right aways. That's why manna is called manna, because that literally means "What is it?" You provided enough for them but they didn't immediately realize You had provided it.

So I wonder what I am asking You for. Over the past several months my deepest and longest felt request has been for You to come and bring Your presence into my life, because I have not had the same feeling of intimacy that has been present before. Without the feeling, I've often felt like You aren't with me, despite Your myriad of Biblical promises stating the contrary. Life has at times felt fairly normal and ordinary, and I have felt that way too. And if I'm honest, I have really wanted You to come in and spice things up, every day giving me some exciting Spiritual experience.

I put a lot of eggs in the Gideon basket as well. I just kept thinking that since I hadn't had a spiritual experience of closeness and tear-jerking awe for a long time that You were just saving all that up for his birth. And while there was an awe in watching my first son be born, it was not intense. It was not overwhelming. It didn't even make me cry. It was awesomely natural. Watching him come out, living with him for the past couple of weeks, he blows my mind but everything also seems very ordinary.

I mean, I'm loving it when he does these little half awake grins that don't mean anything, but that's what babies do. I can't help but telling him how big and strong he is when he stretches out and throws up a rockfist, but that's real normal as well. I both complain and brag about what a good pooper my little boy is, and I think that ordinary too. What I guess I'm trying to say is that even in one of the biggest transitions of my life (in a good way), I've not felt the awe.

I remember in the New Testament when the people were always wanting to see a sign. Maybe it wasn't so that they could believe, maybe it was just so they could feel the supernatural awe. I am so like one of those people. "Come and meet me, fill me up with Your presence, make my hair stand on end because of Your closeness," but that's kind of pathetic. What about all the grandeur in the ordinary, what You have already provided for me that I might be missing because I'm complaining.

I think that's the strange backwards lesson I've learned so far from Gideon. But now, I still do need Your help in recognizing the ordinary, or someone else to help me see You in my life. Thanks for my son and my wife. Continue to be awesome by protecting them and showing up in our normal days.