So, I really must take this opportunity to praise You Lord. Yesterday I wrote how I was feeling a lack of worth in the things that I do, and it was causing me to have all sorts of shame and doubt. So, yesterday I jumped on the elliptical machine for my normal hour run, and I turned on a Mars Hill podcast. In the teaching, the preacher (Tim Green) was noting what one of his friends said about when the devil attacks you with the things we do wrong, the ways we are worthless, and so on. My ears perked right up, because, as I've said, that has felt like me. How did he say we are supposed to respond?
"That is irrelevant."
It doesn't matter that I fail a billion and one times throughout my life. I am God's son and he is pleased with me. It's amazing how this takes me all the way back to this past summer, when I was reading Sacred Rhythms, and Ruth Haley Barton suggested in the book that we should each develop a breath prayer, that we say throughout the day. It can be calming and encouraging. So, I prayed about that one day while I ran, and the prayer I came up with was, "This is my son, I am well pleased."
Like a dope, I gave it up after a week. I always do that. It's fun and exciting at the beginning but so hard to follow through. So now here I am almost a year later needing that exact prayer. You know me well...and today I am full of praise for that!
Your son,
Matthew.
Showing posts with label worth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worth. Show all posts
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Lent: Day 14
It's been a learning experience for me during Lent, what happens when you give up on a sinful pattern in your life. It is amazing how quickly the whole experience becomes stressful, even if that stress has nothing to do with the temptation you give up. As you lose strength, the ability and willingness to resist becomes less and less. You develop other unhealthy habits until finally, you find yourself right back where you started.
Well, I haven't gone right back to where I started, Lord. But my strength is wearing thin, and I'm tired of being bombarded by thoughts of worthlessness. Three weeks ago I was not sitting around wondering whether I was a good teacher, a good pastor, a good husband, a good father, a good poet, whatever. It's not like me to be like that. And yet this week I've found myself dealing with those stresses. I'm really writing here just as a way to acknowledge this battle, this brand new place where I need You. I recognize the slander as not true, it's just the thoughts pop up far to often. So, help me deal with them in truth when they come.
Like the psalm said today as I read: "The LORD is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?"
No one. No thing. Amen.
Well, I haven't gone right back to where I started, Lord. But my strength is wearing thin, and I'm tired of being bombarded by thoughts of worthlessness. Three weeks ago I was not sitting around wondering whether I was a good teacher, a good pastor, a good husband, a good father, a good poet, whatever. It's not like me to be like that. And yet this week I've found myself dealing with those stresses. I'm really writing here just as a way to acknowledge this battle, this brand new place where I need You. I recognize the slander as not true, it's just the thoughts pop up far to often. So, help me deal with them in truth when they come.
Like the psalm said today as I read: "The LORD is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?"
No one. No thing. Amen.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ash Wednesday
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt'?
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.
"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?
"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
"Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
I am unworthy—how can I reply to You? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer— twice, but I will say no more.
Lord God Almighty, I bow to You this morning in reverence. I have come to face the fact that I struggle with worthiness... I often believe I am worthy. Pride, pride, pride. It's a selfish monster that gets down inside the roots of me and only You can dig it out. The truth is that only You are worthy.
Look at the works of Your mighty hand... all things good, true and mighty are done by the strength of Your arm. On this Ash Wednesday, I am brought to the point of repentance and thankfulness that to You I cannot reply. I am come to the realization that I am ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You, Lord of all, Lord of life, Lord of creation, You have the power and awestriking will to make ashes and dust come alive.
Parched and dry as I am, open the storehouses of rain, Spirit upon me. Only as You move shall I. Only as You move shall I.
For You are the only one that is worthy.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt'?
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.
"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?
"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
"Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
I am unworthy—how can I reply to You? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer— twice, but I will say no more.
Lord God Almighty, I bow to You this morning in reverence. I have come to face the fact that I struggle with worthiness... I often believe I am worthy. Pride, pride, pride. It's a selfish monster that gets down inside the roots of me and only You can dig it out. The truth is that only You are worthy.
Look at the works of Your mighty hand... all things good, true and mighty are done by the strength of Your arm. On this Ash Wednesday, I am brought to the point of repentance and thankfulness that to You I cannot reply. I am come to the realization that I am ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You, Lord of all, Lord of life, Lord of creation, You have the power and awestriking will to make ashes and dust come alive.
Parched and dry as I am, open the storehouses of rain, Spirit upon me. Only as You move shall I. Only as You move shall I.
For You are the only one that is worthy.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I'm Tired of This
Lord, today punched me in the throat. It's one of those days that was not bad. But not bad is obviously not good, or inspiring, or a God moment, or worth fasting for. I know, believe, in my heart of hearts I know that this is not at all about what I'm going to get out of it...but it is. Here I am, day after day sitting at my keyboard waiting to hear what You have to say to me! And what are You saying! Nothing...or worse...be more silent.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
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