This week was a week where I was determined to get things right. Things between You and me. Things with my church. Really get back into a full fledged relationship with You, spend more time communicating with You, turn my thoughts to You throughout my day. Really bring some heaven to my day on a regular basis.
What I'm increasingly finding is that I have to get away from my "earth" in order to experience "heaven," and that's not what I really want at all. In other words, they only times I ever think of You are when I'm removed from the situations of my life. When I'm teaching (even though it's the Bible!) I have difficulty focusing on Your way, on Your person, on following You. And so since I can't focus, I don't always naturally respond like I should. And so increasingly I'm finding that I'm not becoming the person God wants me to be (or at least not as fast as I think that I should).
And so I've tried to start the new year with attention. But the series of events that I am facing right now is making attention so hard, basically because they are sapping my energy, making me sleepy tired and then cranky, forgetful, selfish and angry. When Gideon won't sleep I don't get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that he's been up in the middle of the night. He cries and we can't do anything about it. He was up for more than an hour tonight, but 2:30 last night and a couple hours the night before that. It's draining to not get the amount of sleep that you plan for.
Also at the beginning of this week our shower has been out of commission while it is remodeled. So I've been having to shower at the school, which means giving myself more time in the morning to get there, shower, go pick up Clifton, and then get back to the school. Which again means... less sleep.
Oh, and the kicker to my stress levels? J-term. I'm teaching one class - all day - with no prep periods. None. I have a break for lunch and 15 minutes when the students get some snacks, but otherwise, no breaks. And during those breaks I have to grade or I fall woefully behind. So it is a solid day of grading and being with students, which is fine (I enjoy the teaching and conversation) but exhausting.
So how do I deal with all these things, while living as You would intend? How do I have the attention levels, the energy it takes to have those levels, when at times during the day I don't feel I have the energy to continue to stand up?
So today's devotional thought is a question. Will You be my strength? I've always wanted to declare, "The Lord is my strength and my song / He has become my salvation." Right now, this would be a time where You could give me cause.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friday, April 24, 2009
Beatings and Riots
2 Corinthians 6-8
Paul went through a lot of hardships for You. I mean, in chapter 6 here he lists a bunch of things: hardships, distresses, beatings, imprisonments, riots, sleepless nights, hunger, being regarded as impostors, being regarded as unknown, sorrow, poverty.
And yet, despite all of those things, Paul had an attitude of joy that allowed him to continue living in Your word and leading others in it as well. I've been having difficulty staying committed to this task. It has been because I have felt a lack of affirmation for others and that their is a lack of commitment from others. My students at school sometimes seem the definition of apathy and disinterest, and in my tasks at Exodus I have just felt worn down by a variety of tasks. But that's it, I've just been worn down.
Here's what I wonder about Paul. He had certainty. You appeared to him and he was changed. When he went out to tell his story, he had no doubt in it. You appeared. You came in a bright light. You talked to him. So when he was beaten, opposed, whatever it wasn't like he could stop and think and say, well, maybe there is a better way to do this. Or maybe I should leave this to others. He just reflected on Your meeting with him, and I'm sure this was refreshing.
And I doubt myself. Couldn't ever step out on the water, because I'm afraid I would do something to mess it up. Couldn't ever face a beating or imprisonment because I would rethink my views, be wishy-washy, something... I know my strengths, but one of them is not certainty.
It occurs to me that there may be several ways to develop more certainty and authority in my teaching and preaching. The first would be to remember. Paul could always remember what God had done for him, he could speak authoritatively from his story. I sometimes have trouble relating my "God-experiences" with others because they might doubt my story. But I don't doubt my story. These personal experiences should shape the person I am in my faith moving forward, and be a way to make it through current tough times.
Secondly, I can keep finding time to spend alone with You. If You are the one who re-energizes us through the times of beatings, sleepless nights, and distresses, then why don't I make a point to meet with You? I mean, I have had these mornings, but perhaps I can find regular time too, throughout my day.
So, now I go on to live in Your light and renewal. Thank You for this day! Amen.
Paul went through a lot of hardships for You. I mean, in chapter 6 here he lists a bunch of things: hardships, distresses, beatings, imprisonments, riots, sleepless nights, hunger, being regarded as impostors, being regarded as unknown, sorrow, poverty.
And yet, despite all of those things, Paul had an attitude of joy that allowed him to continue living in Your word and leading others in it as well. I've been having difficulty staying committed to this task. It has been because I have felt a lack of affirmation for others and that their is a lack of commitment from others. My students at school sometimes seem the definition of apathy and disinterest, and in my tasks at Exodus I have just felt worn down by a variety of tasks. But that's it, I've just been worn down.
Here's what I wonder about Paul. He had certainty. You appeared to him and he was changed. When he went out to tell his story, he had no doubt in it. You appeared. You came in a bright light. You talked to him. So when he was beaten, opposed, whatever it wasn't like he could stop and think and say, well, maybe there is a better way to do this. Or maybe I should leave this to others. He just reflected on Your meeting with him, and I'm sure this was refreshing.
And I doubt myself. Couldn't ever step out on the water, because I'm afraid I would do something to mess it up. Couldn't ever face a beating or imprisonment because I would rethink my views, be wishy-washy, something... I know my strengths, but one of them is not certainty.
It occurs to me that there may be several ways to develop more certainty and authority in my teaching and preaching. The first would be to remember. Paul could always remember what God had done for him, he could speak authoritatively from his story. I sometimes have trouble relating my "God-experiences" with others because they might doubt my story. But I don't doubt my story. These personal experiences should shape the person I am in my faith moving forward, and be a way to make it through current tough times.
Secondly, I can keep finding time to spend alone with You. If You are the one who re-energizes us through the times of beatings, sleepless nights, and distresses, then why don't I make a point to meet with You? I mean, I have had these mornings, but perhaps I can find regular time too, throughout my day.
So, now I go on to live in Your light and renewal. Thank You for this day! Amen.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
All Bright and Beautiful
2 Corinthians 4-5
What's the brightest thing people see when they look or listen to me?
Do I really let myself be a simple jar of clay, or do I adorn myself so that people can see me? Do people see anything bright in me at all?
I'd like to say that people see the light of Christ in my life, like The Message translation says, "all bright and beautiful." I'm not sure. At school, when I'm teaching Bible I'm always worried that I'm making the Bible confusing and boring. That's really difficult for me to handle because I find the word of God so inspiring (most of the time). I want the message of Christ to shine out of me.
So the interesting thing is that Paul notes here in the passage that outwardly they look beat and worn down, but inwardly they are being renewed. I'm sure that when the heart, mind and soul are being renewed, then the energy of God flows out of that renewed spirit and people see the beautiful message of Christ in the enthusiasm and life coming out of that. The thing that I've worried about for myself is that outwardly I might look in good shape, but inwardly is where I've been worn down. Then, no matter what my "jar of clay" might look like, the light isn't shining out of my life.
Yesterday and today have been really good though. I really appreciate getting back into the word like this. Although I'm sure at some point it will get old and feel like a responsibility and a pressure more than renewal and pleasure. Help me keep a good attitude toward this study time. It's been interesting this week for sure, as I've been going through a really stressful time at work I haven't felt the stress too badly. So, perhaps this is the beginning of my "bright" inward renewal.
Whatever it is, my prayer has been "Speak to me, speak through me." Perhaps at times that speaking through me needs to be silent, just letting You shine through my attitude and actions. I pray that I am representing You to others, whether consciously or unconsciously, let my life begin to truly shine. Really speak to me. Let me hear the Word. Then let others see You, my precious God, speaking in my life, "all bright and beautiful." Amen.
What's the brightest thing people see when they look or listen to me?
Do I really let myself be a simple jar of clay, or do I adorn myself so that people can see me? Do people see anything bright in me at all?
I'd like to say that people see the light of Christ in my life, like The Message translation says, "all bright and beautiful." I'm not sure. At school, when I'm teaching Bible I'm always worried that I'm making the Bible confusing and boring. That's really difficult for me to handle because I find the word of God so inspiring (most of the time). I want the message of Christ to shine out of me.
So the interesting thing is that Paul notes here in the passage that outwardly they look beat and worn down, but inwardly they are being renewed. I'm sure that when the heart, mind and soul are being renewed, then the energy of God flows out of that renewed spirit and people see the beautiful message of Christ in the enthusiasm and life coming out of that. The thing that I've worried about for myself is that outwardly I might look in good shape, but inwardly is where I've been worn down. Then, no matter what my "jar of clay" might look like, the light isn't shining out of my life.
Yesterday and today have been really good though. I really appreciate getting back into the word like this. Although I'm sure at some point it will get old and feel like a responsibility and a pressure more than renewal and pleasure. Help me keep a good attitude toward this study time. It's been interesting this week for sure, as I've been going through a really stressful time at work I haven't felt the stress too badly. So, perhaps this is the beginning of my "bright" inward renewal.
Whatever it is, my prayer has been "Speak to me, speak through me." Perhaps at times that speaking through me needs to be silent, just letting You shine through my attitude and actions. I pray that I am representing You to others, whether consciously or unconsciously, let my life begin to truly shine. Really speak to me. Let me hear the Word. Then let others see You, my precious God, speaking in my life, "all bright and beautiful." Amen.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Toss and Turn Until Dawn
Job 7-8
What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...
"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."
The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.
This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.
Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.
I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."
I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.
What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...
"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."
The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.
This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.
Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.
I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."
I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Seven
It's amazing how easy it is to be undisciplined on the weekends. My eating gets out of order, my exercise time is nill, and my time in the Word is usually rushed. When I have the most time, I spend it poorly. Well, that's not entirely true. Saturdays are difficult because we sleep in, Gideon joins us in bed, and then when we get up we make pancakes and coffee and listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite family tradition. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it means that my devotional time cannot be right after I get up. Same with my exercise time.
Sundays I have no excuses, although I am usually up before Courtney and Gideon, I usually just like to chill out. Like this weekend I just wanted to watch Sportscenter and eat a slow breakfast. But still, I have the whole rest of the day after church and I never use it wisely either.
So Monday seems like a re-acquaintance time. So without further explanation, let's jump into the text.
Psalm 25, Isaiah 5:8-23
"The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."
I can't tell You why, but I have felt stressed several times over the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep on a Monday night so I got up to watch TV in the middle of the night. Last night I tossed and turned all the way up to this mornings alarm. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. And that adds to the stress because I feel like I need to just turn my mind off and rest, but then I start worrying about whether I'm going to be able to do that and it all turns out as a big mess.
Thing that is driving me insane though is that I don't have anything that I'm really worried about. Christmas time isn't a stressful time for me. We've got most of our shopping done, I love spending time with family, and as of right now we don't have any more Christmas parties to go to. Gideon's birthday is next weekend, but that is pretty well set too. Just have to figure out decorations, but I don't get that stressed about things like that. School has been difficult the last couple weeks, but that has really settled down now. So I don't know what, exactly, is my problem.
As we head into a week of hope, I need to know that You are dedicated to freeing me from my anguish. I'm willing to take a look at my life and change things that need to be changed, but it means a lot to me to know that You are working to free me from unknown stresses as well. As the psalm also says, "My hope is in You all day long."
Sundays I have no excuses, although I am usually up before Courtney and Gideon, I usually just like to chill out. Like this weekend I just wanted to watch Sportscenter and eat a slow breakfast. But still, I have the whole rest of the day after church and I never use it wisely either.
So Monday seems like a re-acquaintance time. So without further explanation, let's jump into the text.
Psalm 25, Isaiah 5:8-23
"The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."
I can't tell You why, but I have felt stressed several times over the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep on a Monday night so I got up to watch TV in the middle of the night. Last night I tossed and turned all the way up to this mornings alarm. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. And that adds to the stress because I feel like I need to just turn my mind off and rest, but then I start worrying about whether I'm going to be able to do that and it all turns out as a big mess.
Thing that is driving me insane though is that I don't have anything that I'm really worried about. Christmas time isn't a stressful time for me. We've got most of our shopping done, I love spending time with family, and as of right now we don't have any more Christmas parties to go to. Gideon's birthday is next weekend, but that is pretty well set too. Just have to figure out decorations, but I don't get that stressed about things like that. School has been difficult the last couple weeks, but that has really settled down now. So I don't know what, exactly, is my problem.
As we head into a week of hope, I need to know that You are dedicated to freeing me from my anguish. I'm willing to take a look at my life and change things that need to be changed, but it means a lot to me to know that You are working to free me from unknown stresses as well. As the psalm also says, "My hope is in You all day long."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Discipline and Stress
Lord, my prayers all have the same theme throughout this stretch of tennis season. I'm stressed, give me some relief (and usually I have some variation of "Let us win tennis matches, but you know, Your will be done" stuck in there). I'm starting to realize that You've given me the tools to take care of some of the stress myself, but I don't take that responsibility very seriously at times.
Like the fact that I'm overtired most of the time. Well, I could decide that during tennis season I'm going to be super careful about what I eat so that I don't have to get up super early in order to get to the gym so that I don't end up gaining twenty pounds during tennis season. But no, stress makes me eat more instead of becoming more disciplined, and so I have to go to the gym, and so I'm up and yawning at 5:00 in the morning in order to make it happen. I call it discipline because I'm doing something that I wouldn't choose to do if I had the choice, but I've got the choice... and I can't stop myself from choosing too much food.
That's getting frustrating to me, because I'm afraid of the implications that it has elsewhere in my life. What I'm talking about, Lord, is my overeating. The only way that I've found to control my overeating is by not eating at all. The times that I'm fasting are great because I CAN'T eat. But if I'm given the opportunity to eat, like most of all year round, I cannot eat the proper amount. Even if I don't really like the food I eat too much. And it doesn't even make me feel good. Yesterday I ate way too much, and today I feel like crap. This morning I feel so sick and tired... doesn't help the stress level very much, eh?
Anyways, it is something I would like to see change over time, my ability to limit myself instead of just cutting everything off. I know I have a majority of the responsibility in this change, but let Your Spirit give me the strength to accomplish this turn of discipline.
Oh, and let us win some tennis matches this weekend, but (and I type this sarcastically but actually mean it wholeheartedly) Your will be done.
Like the fact that I'm overtired most of the time. Well, I could decide that during tennis season I'm going to be super careful about what I eat so that I don't have to get up super early in order to get to the gym so that I don't end up gaining twenty pounds during tennis season. But no, stress makes me eat more instead of becoming more disciplined, and so I have to go to the gym, and so I'm up and yawning at 5:00 in the morning in order to make it happen. I call it discipline because I'm doing something that I wouldn't choose to do if I had the choice, but I've got the choice... and I can't stop myself from choosing too much food.
That's getting frustrating to me, because I'm afraid of the implications that it has elsewhere in my life. What I'm talking about, Lord, is my overeating. The only way that I've found to control my overeating is by not eating at all. The times that I'm fasting are great because I CAN'T eat. But if I'm given the opportunity to eat, like most of all year round, I cannot eat the proper amount. Even if I don't really like the food I eat too much. And it doesn't even make me feel good. Yesterday I ate way too much, and today I feel like crap. This morning I feel so sick and tired... doesn't help the stress level very much, eh?
Anyways, it is something I would like to see change over time, my ability to limit myself instead of just cutting everything off. I know I have a majority of the responsibility in this change, but let Your Spirit give me the strength to accomplish this turn of discipline.
Oh, and let us win some tennis matches this weekend, but (and I type this sarcastically but actually mean it wholeheartedly) Your will be done.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Cry for Mercy
"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."
- Job 9:15
Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.
I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."
Lord, have mercy on us.
- Job 9:15
Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.
I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."
Lord, have mercy on us.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
A Bit Overwhelmed
I love to teach. I love to teach Your word. But I am really nervous tonight for speaking tomorrow. You've given some wonderful insight on the Exodus 4 passage to our teaching group. It's fun, it's witty, it's probably my favorite little piece of Scripture. But it's kind of scary to try to show everyone else that.
I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess, I just want to give all control of tomorrow to You. We've had a great week together and I would love for it to end with a great big smile on my face after Sunday. And I want that smile to be because we've all heard from and worshipped You together.
So I am a bit overwhlelmed, but You are with me. As long as You are there tomorrow, I'll be okay.
Just make sure that You, Yourself, are with me in my mouth...!
I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess, I just want to give all control of tomorrow to You. We've had a great week together and I would love for it to end with a great big smile on my face after Sunday. And I want that smile to be because we've all heard from and worshipped You together.
So I am a bit overwhlelmed, but You are with me. As long as You are there tomorrow, I'll be okay.
Just make sure that You, Yourself, are with me in my mouth...!
Monday, April 23, 2007
Replacing Worry
Texts:
- Psalms 125-128
- Matthew 11
"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves."
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Lord, I could always use rest. But that's been established many times before as I have written You. What is interesting to me in these verses, that just kind of jumped off the page to me, is that its not just rest from stress of life. Its rest from even the good things that we are building.
Is it not good for someone to build a house, or stand watch over a city? Of course it is, these things are very necessary for safety and for normal living. They are good. But there's the interesting added words to these good things, "unless the LORD."
I think these images of watchmen and builder are perfect for where I am right now. I often feel like I am a watchmen for this new community that we are beginning. I feel like I am protecting it, trying to keep it safe, trying to keep anything bad from happening. Truth is, most of the bad things that could happen in the community are far beyond my control. So the result for me is worry, then becoming weary and burdened.
Or the builder, trying to pursue avenues of growth. How can we find the support and money that we need to get where we want to go. How do you go about finalizing the building codes (or the details needed to be a recognized church)? Where will we get the materials? Who will help?
These questions, these worries, beyond my control. Like most of this life, beyond my control.
"Unless the LORD..." So how do we know if You are? Are You building the house with us, are You watching over the city? If You are, then what? Because we still have to help build, right? We still have to stand watch, right?
It all comes down to worry. It's strange, until we started thinking and really building this community, I wasn't much of a worrier or someone who panicked. I have felt that way at different times in this process, even now as I type. Worry has somehow become a part of my life. I don't like it, it doesn't feel like me.
I want to be the optimistic, "It will all work out," faithful person that I've been in the past. When people tell me that You are going to bless what we're doing, I want to be able to say thanks to them and really believe it in my heart. Basically, I want You to continue to take control away from us.
Saturday I talked about how we walk on the road towards You. Right now, and often lately, I have been walking with worry. Empty my road of worry, replace it with a comfort and restful sense of Your control. Amen.
- Psalms 125-128
- Matthew 11
"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves."
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Lord, I could always use rest. But that's been established many times before as I have written You. What is interesting to me in these verses, that just kind of jumped off the page to me, is that its not just rest from stress of life. Its rest from even the good things that we are building.
Is it not good for someone to build a house, or stand watch over a city? Of course it is, these things are very necessary for safety and for normal living. They are good. But there's the interesting added words to these good things, "unless the LORD."
I think these images of watchmen and builder are perfect for where I am right now. I often feel like I am a watchmen for this new community that we are beginning. I feel like I am protecting it, trying to keep it safe, trying to keep anything bad from happening. Truth is, most of the bad things that could happen in the community are far beyond my control. So the result for me is worry, then becoming weary and burdened.
Or the builder, trying to pursue avenues of growth. How can we find the support and money that we need to get where we want to go. How do you go about finalizing the building codes (or the details needed to be a recognized church)? Where will we get the materials? Who will help?
These questions, these worries, beyond my control. Like most of this life, beyond my control.
"Unless the LORD..." So how do we know if You are? Are You building the house with us, are You watching over the city? If You are, then what? Because we still have to help build, right? We still have to stand watch, right?
It all comes down to worry. It's strange, until we started thinking and really building this community, I wasn't much of a worrier or someone who panicked. I have felt that way at different times in this process, even now as I type. Worry has somehow become a part of my life. I don't like it, it doesn't feel like me.
I want to be the optimistic, "It will all work out," faithful person that I've been in the past. When people tell me that You are going to bless what we're doing, I want to be able to say thanks to them and really believe it in my heart. Basically, I want You to continue to take control away from us.
Saturday I talked about how we walk on the road towards You. Right now, and often lately, I have been walking with worry. Empty my road of worry, replace it with a comfort and restful sense of Your control. Amen.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
The Desparate Stress
Texts:
- Psalms 109-112
- Luke 19-20
- Mark 2
Lord, often times when I come to You lately, I feel an ache within my body. It's familiar. It's the same one that I get when I can't finish a poem in a way that sounds right, the one that I got when a paper was due in 30 minutes at college and I couldn't get the right last paragraph, the one that I get when class starts in 5 minutes and I have no idea what I'm going to teach. It's stress. I cannot believe it, but I've been coming to You and instead of rest I've been feeling stressed.
I know why too. I've been feeling like every time we get together I MUST walk away with something new. I've gotten so used to You amazing me, that I expect it and I'm beginning to think that I have something to do with it. If a text doesn't come to life immediately I'm re-reading and thinking, "There's got to be something here I can make a connection with, I just need to try harder." I'm trying to do it all, I'm coming to Your word hoping that I can find something. All this emphasis on I hasn't even really worked, it's just thrown me into the desparate stress.
It's just so easy to forget that You are the one who really opens Scripture to me, You are the one who makes the connections fly off the page, that has brilliant insight marked brightly for me to see. You are the one that I need to seek with excitement and wonder. That's hard to do with a heart full of stress and a mind bogged down by what needs to be done.
Lord, simply open up some Scripture for me today in a way that makes me praise. I have found that You are good for the past several days, but those realizations have come from events other than revelation from Scripture. I would love that to continue, for that is mighty good reason to praise as well, but I still want to see You in Your word.
I praise You, Lord God of word and deed, continue to bring Your word and deed together in my life and before my eyes and ears.
- Psalms 109-112
- Luke 19-20
- Mark 2
Lord, often times when I come to You lately, I feel an ache within my body. It's familiar. It's the same one that I get when I can't finish a poem in a way that sounds right, the one that I got when a paper was due in 30 minutes at college and I couldn't get the right last paragraph, the one that I get when class starts in 5 minutes and I have no idea what I'm going to teach. It's stress. I cannot believe it, but I've been coming to You and instead of rest I've been feeling stressed.
I know why too. I've been feeling like every time we get together I MUST walk away with something new. I've gotten so used to You amazing me, that I expect it and I'm beginning to think that I have something to do with it. If a text doesn't come to life immediately I'm re-reading and thinking, "There's got to be something here I can make a connection with, I just need to try harder." I'm trying to do it all, I'm coming to Your word hoping that I can find something. All this emphasis on I hasn't even really worked, it's just thrown me into the desparate stress.
It's just so easy to forget that You are the one who really opens Scripture to me, You are the one who makes the connections fly off the page, that has brilliant insight marked brightly for me to see. You are the one that I need to seek with excitement and wonder. That's hard to do with a heart full of stress and a mind bogged down by what needs to be done.
Lord, simply open up some Scripture for me today in a way that makes me praise. I have found that You are good for the past several days, but those realizations have come from events other than revelation from Scripture. I would love that to continue, for that is mighty good reason to praise as well, but I still want to see You in Your word.
I praise You, Lord God of word and deed, continue to bring Your word and deed together in my life and before my eyes and ears.
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