The Nature of Worry

1 Samuel

As I read the pages of 1 Samuel, I see David and Saul in this continual dance of distrust, unease, fear and worry. But the one who really seems to worry and be confused is Saul. He fears that David is trying to take the kingdom from him, he fears that David will in fact rebel and kill him, though David twice shows that he is unwilling to take the king's life.

In short, Saul worries over irrational fears. And those irrational fears fly in the face of his actual experience, but what drives them anyways is his self interest, his desire and obsession of holding onto "what is his."

Isn't that true of my worries too, Lord? Most damaging worry is motivated by self-interest. I worry about not having my obligations completed, I worry about looking like a fool when I lead a networking session at the conference, I worry about having a terrible sermon because of how it might make me look, I worry about how many people come to church because it might make me look like a failure... but many of these things are irrational. I'm trying to make myself look better. But do any of them affect who I am as a person?

If my networking session had been boring, would I be less of a teacher? If my sermons are choppy and no one likes them, am I being less than faithful to You? If no one comes to church, am I really a failure for stepping out and doing what I believe You called me to?

Instead of worry, perhaps my response should be responsibility to my ability. If I am worried about something, perhaps I should take a deep breath and say, "What is my responsibility in this issue, and am I doing that to the best of my ability?" Any other question, any other thought will probably lead to fear and worry. These questions can lead to trusting You and finding an answer.

If Saul had asked these questions about David, he would have found that his responsibility was to fairly rule the kingdom and lead the people toward You, and could have focused in on that. But instead he went about chasing David, who was never threatening him in the first place.

Don't let me chase my fears Lord, but let me be focused on my responsibilities.

Conflict

Joshua 8

Joshua is a really weird book to read slowly Lord. I mean, I decided not to change my course through the Bible because I was afraid that if I did I would never actually end up accomplishing my goal to read through the whole Bible again. I figured that if I added a "slow" reading to my "normal" reading, I would end up just quitting. So I just went on the slow approach right where I was on my reading schedule. And that all seemed like a really good idea until Joshua got violent.

I don't like conflict. Maybe I've said this before, and I'm sure You are aware, but I tend to shy away from anything that will put me at odds with another person. Sure, there are certain truths that I believe to be absolute (Your existence, Your love, the beauty of my wife :-) but I will listen to people who oppose even my absolutist of beliefs seriously, and usually not make my points about my beliefs as eloquently. You could spin it to say that I just care about all my relationships more than about proving that I'm right, but that is only true some of the time. Most of the time, I just don't want to be disliked.

Which makes it difficult to confront wrongdoing. In Joshua 7 that I read yesterday, Achan takes stuff he's not supposed to and burries it in his tent. He's not using it, flaunting it, declaring himself rich... it's just buried. So, the whole nation of Israel suffers because he did not obey the Lord. When they search to discern who is at fault, and they come to him, he confesses. He tells them where the stuff is hidden and why he took it and seems apologetic. Then they stone him.

What? I mean, I knew this story, but reading it slowly, my emotions start to follow it a bit more, and I felt sorry for Achan. I have no sense of someone getting what they deserved and liking it. I don't like to see human pain and disappointment. So as a leader, I particularly don't like to cause the pain and disappointment by upholding punishments. I like to believe that you won't do it again, that you are sorry, that you didn't know what you were supposed to do.

In the classroom, I warn multiple times before I punish. It's so stupid. At home, I can punish right away. As a father, I have yet to be afraid of conflict. Why am I so afraid with everyone else?

Well, this has been more productive than I thought. When I sat down to read, I was afraid that my pattern of not really engaging You (set over the weekend, stupid weekends!) was going to continue. Instead, You've given me a new way to look at the war and violence of Joshua. What will it say to me regarding conflict? How are You working in me in regards to conflict?

I pray that I stay attentive to these things. In the name of Christ, I come to You Lord. Amen.

Lent: Day 14

It's been a learning experience for me during Lent, what happens when you give up on a sinful pattern in your life. It is amazing how quickly the whole experience becomes stressful, even if that stress has nothing to do with the temptation you give up. As you lose strength, the ability and willingness to resist becomes less and less. You develop other unhealthy habits until finally, you find yourself right back where you started.

Well, I haven't gone right back to where I started, Lord. But my strength is wearing thin, and I'm tired of being bombarded by thoughts of worthlessness. Three weeks ago I was not sitting around wondering whether I was a good teacher, a good pastor, a good husband, a good father, a good poet, whatever. It's not like me to be like that. And yet this week I've found myself dealing with those stresses. I'm really writing here just as a way to acknowledge this battle, this brand new place where I need You. I recognize the slander as not true, it's just the thoughts pop up far to often. So, help me deal with them in truth when they come.

Like the psalm said today as I read: "The LORD is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?"

No one. No thing. Amen.

Toss and Turn Until Dawn

Job 7-8

What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...

"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."

The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.

This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.

Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.

I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."

I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.

My Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Today, I have committed myself to some true time in prayer with You. So I am going to offer up my thoughts and concerns and then wait silently for You to answer me in some way. Though I am frustrated at the fact that our relationship doesn't seem to be on the same plane as it has been, I am not going to be the one to abandon what is right. And in that I know that You will be the one to come back and embrace me, because I am convinced that it is Your will to be known and loved. And I still love You, so much that I want to hear from You.

My prayer is simple. I want to be fully connected with You and aware of opportunities to live in "The Way of the Lord" everyday. I want the courage to see the uncomfortable places that I might need to help bring Your love to and the strength, belief, and courage again to do it.

And Lord, I pray the same for my community. Starting with my wife, extending through Exodus Community, even to the students that I teach each day. What would a community with courage look like? What could they do? How do I lead without fear myself? I need to speak the truth. It's time for us to do something uncomfortable. Help us to not let fear hold us back.

These are my big concerns. Of course, I could go through situations that I want You to be working in specifically, whether it be sickness within our community, Gideon growing healthily, Courtney finding a part-time job she enjoys, our community honestly facing its problems, our community honestly embracing the potential we have, my basketball team, my students, the tragedies that often surround any group of people. But I have faith that You are working in these specifics.

So let's attack some big things in prayer today Lord. Some big things that I'm going to constantly bring before You for this week (and probably on). Please work on removing the fear from our community. It's insidious, and it has crept in all over the place. Let people see it for what it is, give it up to You, and move on.

Secondly Lord, go after distractions. We are being pulled away from You in so many circumstances. Stop them. Allow us at least some consistent time to be focused. For me it is too much time spent at basketball, thinking about school, and just plain being tired. Give me the energy and the time.

I feel like this is a blabbering prayer God. I'm not sure how focused it was in and of itself. I know You hear it though. Accept it. Be pleased at my efforts to connect and show Yourself to me. Because I love You, I don't want to just leave You here for the day. Go with me. Lead me. Speak to me that You may speak through me.

For I always pray through Christ's name,
Amen.

Two Poems

Today I take a Sabbath to reflect on what God is working on in me. So as I try to fight with my wife and dog for some silence, let me present You with a poem I just wrote after experiencing a Lent service at an Episcopal church. After that is a poem I wrote in the waiting room of a doctor's office while waiting to get my routine kidney check. Thanks Lord, for the beauty of the language that You've given me, for the creativity that you routinely display about the world that strikes me as gorgeous, the thoughts that You inspire me to that I find simply beautiful.

POEM I:
THE BEAUTY OF TENSION

Off wooden beam ceilings bounce readings
nervously holy with rolling meaning.
A tightening in the beauty of tension,
between the yes and the yes,
between bowing and relaxation,
of strained continuation till
we’re drawn to the space where the Lord,
the Lord God is one.

And thus being undone,
being like a shamed man flung
in all disgrace between the One
who holds the justice of life and death,
the same One who with every breath
hopes to graciously harbor fear.
The promise of heaven drawn near
despite the reverence from always offending,
of rending ourselves from the unending
wonder in Your balance sincere.

God of covenantal reality,
the God in the paradox, in actuality
the unity. The completeness of all things,
the restoration Your blessing brings
rings in praise and penance, knees bowed,
heads down and hands peacefully high.
The God of the sky, the ashes, the earth,
guarding the grave, giving forth birth.
Both hearing and acting, present now
and afar, in the sound of pews creaking
and the orphans bleak cry,
in organs ascending and the circles beneath
the bare widow’s eyes, empty relief,
on my coldest hands or all hardened hearts.
A beckoning cracking and bounding within
liturgical groans, a Lent filled with sin,
but never escaping the stained glass of men
and forever coming despite separation,
forever longing to lead in salvation.

POEM II:
IN THE WAITING ROOM

Your chatter, loose and enormous,
numerous depths, wondrous heights,
and weight. The chatter of wanderers,
chairs and walls, crammed with aesthetics
competing for the glory of the eye,
while all too softly falls the weight.
While we wait, we grow old,
for our wait if heavy with worry,
and that won't add what nothing can,
yet I know that lest Your hand
be cover we would all kneel, then
all but disappear as we
spill upon each other in breaths of fear.
Here is plenty of explaining and
unexplaining, hands wrung and deals done
and muttered prayers offered lightly.
For pretty pictures, black and white
and unevenly spaced, bring not peace,
but instead the forceful image of it.
Under all such lie the opposite.
Under silent talk lies louder chatter
of many a more weighty matter,
And benaeth this haunting sticky film;
this airy fear of death belies
a still heavier fear of life.

I Should Explain...

Last night I posted about fear-of-the-Lord, and I was really pushing You Lord. Pushing You to make me feel that reverence and respect and boy did You. As I was writing my challenge to You, as I was laying my whole self and life and everything and everybody in it on the table I became very afraid.

My thoughts were, "What if God follows through and does make me revere Him?" All the awesome and mighty and terrible things You could do. I thought about how You could make me suddenly lose my job and have to lean on You for all support. I thought about how You could take away my life or worse, one of my loved ones. I feared, truly feared, that You could completely walk out of my life I the disaster that that would become would make me fear You. I suddenly and in one small moment saw all the power and glory that You hold, and the terrible damage that it could do to my life to let it be unleashed.

So I stopped. I want that glory and that power to be used in and through my life as a source of good. I want to be in awe and reverence of the powerful works of good that You do. You took me outside last night and reminded of the goodness and grandness and intricacy of Your creation (then looking at Bryan's blog did that too). You took me back to the time when You heard my deepest, most strained, most tear-filled cry when I thought I was losing my beloved. You took me to all the great works that You are doing right now in my life that I pass over daily.

Continue to take me to these places of wonder...

Fear-of-the-Lord

So Lord, I'm down to this very simple fact today. There is a lot inside of me that needs to be fixed, and it will only be fixed by laying it down at Your feet. I know that, but I have yet to feel that.

I continue reading the next passage in Luke after the one that I wrote about yesterday and it is very clear that Jesus is pointing out that the experts in the law lack fear-of-the-Lord. Jesus instructs his disciples to look out for the yeast of the Pharisees, that they should be sure to fear the One who controls both death and life. This is fear-of-the-Lord fear, a reverence, a respect, an awe.

Right now, for whatever reason, that is what I am lacking. An awe of the Lord, a reverence. For some reason, I am bringing You down to my level. Maybe it's all this trying to understand You, maybe its in my trying to draw close to You, maybe I need to step away for a second and let You come and get me. And obviously, cognitively You can see that I understand my need for fear. But for whatever reason I am hard-hearted and cold. Here I am admitting it but yet feeling in my gut that it won't change.

Change it. Bring me into awesome fear and reverence for You. Lord, hear me and act.

Wait no... I'm really scared as I write this. The One who controls both life and death. I do not deserve to challenge You. Standing up against You, I suddenly realize the awesome power that You have. Act favorably one my behalf Lord. Oh do not crush me! The power that is in that act. The weight. The glory.

I take it back. Change me, give me the reverence, but hide me in the cleft of the rock with Your hand. Your glory will crush me if You act. Please, act as You will and give me the reverence to know that is the only way it can be if I want to live.

Doing and Being

One of my biggest fears is not knowing what to do. I dread that feeling. And I am not talking spiritually here. It really scares me when I walk into new situations, when I talk to new people, when I reacquant with old people. That I won't know what to do or say.

And I get really angry when I'm forced into those situations where I don't know what to do. When Courtney asks me to call and find out why we were billed for more than the price of an appointment, or when I have to go file the home exemptions at the tax office, or talk to the insurance lady at work about adding some type of plan. All things I don't know much about and situations where I am not sure what to do. And am afraid that what I do will make me look stupid or uninformed.

Lord, I'm finding that You are not quite as concerned about what we do as to who we are. You are concerned about who we are being, not always what we are doing? This whole time I've been focusing on what it is that You want me to do, just look at my post on obedience, and not necessarily who You want me to be.

I have a sense now that what You really want from me now is just to BE with You. In that sense You will change who I am, and then my actions will flow out of that. The doing is not unimportant, it is simply an after-effect of the being. If I am the person seeking You I will find You. That I must trust.

So, time to shut up the blog for a while and just be with You. In rest, in relatioinship, in word, in intimacy. As a child as a bride. In obedience and in trust. Being with You will make me who You want me to be.