Study Hall Poetry

While thinking about how to see God in my work, I wrote this today during the seventh grade study hall. I think it's about coming to face my frustrations.

THE STAIN

The question is endlessly insistent
upon entrance to this hall without decoration.
A bland, blue wall necessitates conversation
that pushes blushes into unshaven faces,
but prevents worse fears, though the worst will come.

The eyes of my quiet desperation, endlessly pacing,
posing the question, then erasing and rolling on
in frustration. Persistent in lacking participation,
a stubborn generation must want to be taught,
as my beard is pulled, though short, young, but wrought.

Shabby t-shirts and jeans, endlessly worn.
More faithful, more remembered than friends they hold
in bonds bound with laughable things, for deeper
connections may move in maturity, which is fear...
for it is thoughtful and loyal, silent and sincere.

And seeking isolation in noise that is endlessly slinging
the stain of entertainment against pure walls,
and standing on the line, for boredom is banished
by the exciting threat of my terse attention
and life that is richer when wrapped up in tension.


The end. Don't we all remember fondly the seventh grade? I just endlessly wonder: what does the Spirit of God look like to a thirteen year old?

A Suffering Freedom

Texts:
- Psalms 37-40
- Matthew 20-21
- Ezra 1-3

I think that control has been getting away from me during the last several days. That's a hard thing to recognize at times. It's a little disappointing as well, because that is what I spent much of my fast focusing on in prayer and such. But Lord, help me continually realize that this is not one of those character traits that you develop and then have forever. As every character trait, it is one that must be lived. So, help me remember the lessons of the fast and live in self-control.

As Exodus Community, especially in teaching meetings, we've been throwing four major points to organize ourselves around. They are in order:

1. Deliverance
2. Covenant Community
3. Knowledge of the Lord
4. Land

Now obviously, these are not entirely obvious on the face of things how they play out into our lives. But we are under a sincere belief that these four points sum up much of what God is doing in the world. So of course they've been rolling around in my head for a long, long amounts of time. So, today as I'm reading I'm reminded and intrigued by a specific thought that I've had about deliverance, the first point that helps set the rest in perspective.

As You, Jesus walk into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, everybody was crying out to You to deliver them, and to deliver them with power. You calmly made Your way through the crowds to the place of religious deliverance, the temple, and turned it upside down. In one week You went from hero to hated villain of the city. How?

Because, it seems to me, that You needed to bring about the deliverance that God is paradoxically working in. The deliverance of weakness. Deliverance of the weak by the humble and the meek. By the ones who, just like You did, are willing to point others upward instead of to themselves or to their congregations.

You deliver people. You deliver them in any way You choose. But it seems to me that one of Your favorite mediums is weakness. The Israelites are delivered by wandering through the desert for forty years, You specifically do not take them out in a show of their power, nor do You deliver them by leading them immediately into mighty battles. Instead, it is a weak wandering freedom.

Elijah, in one of the more uplifting deliverances, slays 400 prophets of Bail after a confrontation and test against them in front of all the people. But Elijah's deliverance? He is chased into the desert for fear of losing his life. Indeed, great things happened, and a people were led into freedom from a false god, but the one who bought that freedom suffered.

Even Moses, the leader of the great Exodus, suffers as a provider of deliverance. He suffers his own people indeed, but in 2nd greatest slap in the face in all of Scripture he is not allowed to enter the promise land.

Your delivers are broken and poured out for those they deliver. They, just like You, Jesus, are body and blood spilling out for those they bring freedom to. Teach me to expect and accept this. It is good to see freedom, it is reality that it will be a suffering freedom for someone.

The Downturn

Texts:
- Psalms 33-36
- Matthew 18-19
- Daniel 10-12

Wow, everything was so good, and then...well, I don't want to sound like a whiner Lord, but I know this is the seemingly inevitable downturn. I don't seem as excited to get into the Scriptures, and when I do get there it doesn't seem to be the same connection, the same energy that was there before. I just want that back. We head on vacation tomorrow night and I know that a time of rest is often a time of renewal with You. I ask for that. I plead for that. I beg for that refreshing.

The nice, assuring thing is that I know You are a God who will hear my cry. I know You are a God who delivers us from our downturns. I anxiously await the morning, for I know You will be new.

What to Do with Work

Texts:
- Psalms 29-32
- Matthew 16-17
- Daniel 7-9

Before I even get started reading today Lord, I have a question. Why don't we know anything really about Jesus' life when he was a carpenter? What I really struggle with is the conviction that You want me to be alive and living the Jesus way, following Jesus examples, in my classroom but Jesus never really shows us how that works out. I never see Jesus being in the middle of prayer and then suddenly remembering that he left all of his tools out in the rain, like I do when I've forgotten to grade tests. I never see Jesus trying to figure out a how to do his job while doing his job for God as well. How did You do it?

I was reading Peterson's "The Jesus Way" last night. He was talking about the "laity myth." Basically saying it's totally untrue that God can only use pastors, missionaries, and others in full time "God-work." But I know exactly where this myth comes from. It comes from Your word. It comes from Jesus. What did Jesus do when it was time to do God's work? He stopped being a carpenter and started preaching and healing. Peterson pointed out that the disciples were all regular people with regular jobs. Right...until Jesus called them to be his disciples and they left those jobs and followed him.

I always have this sense that when I don't have to worry about work I follow You much better. But I know that not working is not a reality that many people (including myself) can afford. So how do we follow the Jesus way of one who did not work while He publically ministered? I'm not saying its impossible, I'm saying I don't understand. Ah well...now to the text.

In the book of Daniel, after he has a terrible vision, there is a statement about his work. It's interesting, for it confirms what I thought: that it is hard to do work (a regular job) when you are hearing and interacting with the Lord.

Daniel 8:27 - "I, Daniel, was exhausted and lay ill for several days. Then I got up and went about the king's business. I was appalled by the vision; it was beyond understanding."

That's exactly how I feel. As I interact and live with this text, it is exhausting because it is so far beyond understanding, so hard to bring into reality, becuase You are so far above understanding. It's simply tiresome. Add to the fact that we stay up late studying it and contemplating it...I wish that I could take several days to digest it.

What Our Eyes See They Believe

Texts:
- Psalms 25-28
- Matthew 14-15
- Daniel 4-6

Last night, we spent a long time in our Exodus teaching meeting talking about the topic of deliverance. Man, it was a heavy discussion, that went down many aimless paths, asked many aimless questions and ended up on aim because of Your guidance of that whole process Lord. I don't know how much sooner we could have gotten there if we (I) would have turned my eyes to You and Your word sooner.

One of my thoughts last night is that we believe what we see, only. That is why faith in God is so hard, it must be made seen. I see that as the job of pastors, theologians, and others in ministry, to make the vision of hope and deliverance and mission in Christ so tangible that it is almost seen. Hope that we can see, hope that we then believe.

That's why deliverance is so hard as well. When we, Lord, are captive to sin, situation, or relationship we so often keep our eyes on that situation. Sometimes we do this with an arrogant pride in our own ability to fix the situation or to stop the sin. Sometimes continue to look at our captivity out of frustrated desperation, longing to be set free but only knowing the confines of our chains. Looking at them and longing that we be delivered. There are so many reasons to stay focused on our captivity. But if we do that's all we see, and that's what we begin to believe.

So Psalm 25, verse 15 is really interesting in this discussion.

"My eyes are ever on the LORD,for only he will release my feet from the snare."

Our eyes must somehow be turned up to the hope that is in You. Only You can actually bring deliverance. You know, we covered this point already, that humans cannot get at deliverance on their own. But much of the time we walk around with heads down searching the earth for our escape. I want want instead to live the real life of this earth with hope and assurance that You are always working on my behalf, and on the behalf of others.

Because You are.

I Didn't Title This

Texts:
- Psalms 21-24
- Matthew 12-13
- Daniel 1-3
- Exodus 1-40

When I read some of the passages of the gospels of Christ, I often sense frustration in Jesus' words. He is upset at the Pharisees for not having understood what "I desire mercy, not sacrifice" means, has to then explain why it is ridiculous for them to say he is driving out demons by the power of demons, and then also why he won't give them signs. Constantly explaining things to unlistening ears.

I get that all the time at school. Students ask me questions that they should already know the answer to or be able to reason their way through. My reaction is to get frustrated. And while I know that Jesus is human, with all the human emotions, is it possible that instead of being outwardly frustrated and grasping at excuses and worrying about what the others thought, that instead he simply spoke out truth with authority? Maybe he used every moment of potential frustration, every moment where that began to boil within him to teach the willing.

This is an important question Lord, because I feel like we will always have people who don't get it. So how do we avoid speaking excuses in frustration and instead speak truth in love. Maybe another important question to mull over in my head for the day, or look for strands of that as I continue to read...

Jesus in the next chapter tells the parable of the sower. In this parable, You talk about the seed sown along the path means that some people hear the word but don't understand it, so the devil comes and snatches it away. You make no mention of trying to then help these people understand. In fact, Jesus, You always spoke to the people in parables, precisely so that most could not understand. What does this say about teaching the truth? Do we always press onward like this?

The New Testament, especially the gospels, are very hard for me. I have a sense that they've been often wrongly interpretted, that they need to be looked at with fresh eyes. Metanarrative eyes perhaps. Yet, when I come back to them I have a difficult time doing that. Continue to help my eyes to see and my ears to hear.

Well, in my morning time I didn't even get to Psalms or Daniel. I'll have to make time for that later in the day. Let alone Exodus. So, I'll probably be back again today Lord.

But now, may I live this day in the path of your word, walking and living the gospel You've given to me. May my love for You shine in my love for others, and may You shine as the Lord of my day. Blessed are You, Lord God of all Your created, who made us and shaped us, gave us eyes and ears to see and hear, feet and hands to go and do. Amen.

Oh the Connections We Find

It didn't take long for You to respond to my morning post Lord (You are Pure). I'm sitting in a church pew at Goshen's First United Methodist, and all of a sudden You are there, turning my brain over. And I thought that You'd maybe work through a choir song, sermon, Scripture reading, or something "spiritual" from a Sunday service. Nope, my thoughts were wandering through my own rock music collection when it hit me.

So I'm turning over and over the idea of the pure, purity and so forth when a song simply pops into my head. mewithoutYou's "Leaf." The chorus of the song contains this line, "Purity of heart is to want one thing." It's actually from Soren Kierkegaard's book, "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing," but still, what a great concept. To be pure, clean, is to only have one thing before You.

So purity is to want one thing. The word one immediately set off lights in my brain. Where else is that word one very prominent, the Shema (sp?) of course. Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, LORD is ONE. Why this connection ringing so louding in my ears? Where does the Shema relate with Psalm 19?

I went back to the beginning of Deuteronomy 6, where the Shema is found. You know what words I found there? Commandments, statutes, ordinances...all the words that struck me from the Psalm 19 passage. Here in Deuteronomy 6 all these words are used to drive us to a point (wait, this is freaking amazing)...fear-of-the-LORD. Yea. Unbelievable the inter-connections of Scripture. From Deuteronomy 6:1-2:

"These are the commandments, statutes, and ordinances that the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, SO THAT you, your children and their children after them may FEAR-THE-LORD by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you..."

Then Scripture follows this up with: "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL ALL YOUR HEART AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH."

Purity of heart is to want one thing. Fear-of-the-LORD is pure. The one thing we are to want: to love God with our all. So my paraphrase, what I learned this morning.

Fear-of-the-LORD is to want one thing: to love God with our all, enduring forever.

I say it again Lord God Almighty, You amaze beyond my minds conception with Your word and presence. It goes on and on and on and...

I love this!

You are Pure

Texts:
- Psalms 17-20
- Matthew 10-11
- Joel 1-3

Really, really interesting and awesome word from the 19th Psalm. These are going to work in my head for awhile I think.

Psalm 19:6-11

The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear-of-the-LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinance of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great
reward.

I am super intrigued by the middle part of this poem, the line, "The fear-of-the-LORD is pure..." What does that mean? In Exodus Community, I have felt repeatedly that fear-of-the-LORD needs to be a grounding concept for us, even though I'm not exactly sure how to define it. I know that it is not be scared of God. I know that it is more an idea of having proper reverence and respect for God. But, in what ways is that pure?

Okay, so You are the source of most of this. Why don't You come work in me today to give me a better understanding? What am I meant to see here? What do You mean? Obviously we have some parallel passages here. Fear-of-the-LORD seems to be parallel, equated with several other things here: law, statutes, precepts, commands, and ordinances. These are Your words, Your spoken directives to us.

And then there is the sense of what Your word does for us: revives, makes wise, gives joy, gives light. Just an interesting and inspiring side note at how alive the Word is. We use verbs to describe it, reviving, making, giving, and inanimate or dead things aren't doing alot of doing. But the form of the poem changes a bit at fear-of-the-LORD. Instead of telling us what Your words do, the psalm shifts to what this fear-of-the-LORD is. Same thing with ordinances, the fear is pure, the ordinances are sure and righteous. They aren't said to make one pure, sure, and righteous (although that may be true). No, they are.

This may take more investigation of the word pure. I may have to come back and update this post after a day of contemplation as well. For now, just questions, for You my Lord, You are all. So why is it is this reverence and respect pure? Why use that word? Let alone the question of enduring forever? I am savoring the taste of these questions now, for I anticipate the sure and righteous knowledge that Your word brings.

Now, may the Lord answer me today, and may Your name be my protection. May You send me out renewed from Your sanctuary, may You grant me support in my journeys. May You remember this time, and accept my humble thoughts. The desire of my heart is to love You, and recongnize and utilize opportunities to outwardly give that love to others. May You grant the desire of my heart. Blessed are You, LORD God the pure and righteous, lending Your ear to hear our questions, answering from Your holy heaven, and giving us the name we can trust in. Amen.

After a Day of Contemplation...

A verse that really hit me this morning was this, Ezekiel 44:23, "They (priests) are to teach my people the difference between the holy and the common..." The difference between the holy and the common. Lord, this verse has sat upon my mind all day long. Here I am at the end of the day with nothing.

It's a very poetic idea to me, the holy and the common. Like I've said in my rolling thoughts, I've been struck lately by paradoxes, by comparisons and contrasts. This one is interesting. Holy means to be set apart. Israel is God's holy people, they are set apart. Common has come to mean normal, but the root of the word is shared. Things that we have in common are things that are shared. So "teach my people the difference between the things that are set apart for me and the things that can be shared among them." I wonder how Eugene translates this verse. Never mind, looked it up and he wrote it exactly the same, almost word for word.

So what's the context, and why is this so intriguing for me? Okay, let's go with the second question first. I guess, I believe that everything is really both holy and common. Everything. My thoughts on this blog for example Lord. They are holy, set apart for You because it is You that I am forming them for. And yet, when I post, there is a sense in which they become shared. Or we could take the example of my home. I want my home to be a holy sanctuary for You, and yet, I want it to be a common meeting place for my friends.

Maybe the difference is in the timing. If I am offering thoughts to You, then this time is holy. It is set apart. I had better not be thinking about what other people reading are going to think. As I leave that holy, set apart time, then perhaps it is okay for the thoughts to become common.

It all goes back to a question that we've had in Exodus then. Was the ground that the burning bush is on, the ground that God declares as holy, always holy or just at that time. I guess, this is really interesting to me, that You come in, take over the common, and declare it holy. Then when You have accomplished Your purpose, things return to their common state. But then they are often sacred reminders of the things that You have done, things that inspire praise.

Maybe this is all crazy. Maybe I already knew this stuff. Maybe its all wrong. Maybe I'm raising pointless questions. Maybe...

I love this.

Self Focus Equals Unfocused

Texts:
- Psalms 9-12
- Matthew 5-6
- Ezekiel 44-45

Lord, I read today the Sermon on the Mount. I just, well, it's hard to put the same effort into engaging this enormous book every day. Today, tired as I am, my thoughts wander I can't bring myself to really focus in. It's amazing, Lord, how cyclical life is. Learning, reading, grasping, teaching and then tired, unfocused, worried, fearful. How do these ever get sorted out?

Oftentimes, I feel like it is when I become to self-focused that I lose interest in the Word. Well, and honestly, when I get too self-focused is when I often feel like everything is boring. The truth is that a life lived only for myself and my gain becomes pretty pointless pretty quickly. That's why I love to be in relationship, with others and with You.

So what's going on with us Lord? I guess I'll have to let this day play out a little bit before I come back and answer that. However, I do want to bow myself before You today. I do want to recognize that You are teh one who holds my head up. You are the one who has been so energizing for my life this week and You are the one who will fill me today. I praise you for it.

May I be able to be filled with Your spirit today. May I dwell on the words of Your mouth, and silently seek the throne of God. May I walk away with sound and song of praise for my Savior, my Redeemer. Blessed are You, Lord God of all energy, who fills us with life, breathes into us purpose, and moves our spirit with joy. Amen.

Leaving

Texts:
- Psalms 5-8
- Matthew 3-4
- Ezekiel 42-43

Matthew 4, the tale of Jesus's temptation, may be one of my favorite stories in all of Scripture. It's such a rich chapter though, beyond just the temptation. Over this whole Lent period I have been fasting, praying, and listening all aimed at self-control. Leaving behind what I need to leave behind as I venture forward. Leaving behind my tendency to be controlled by the food I eat, by the lust that can overtake me, by the frustrations of living my life in reality, by the escapes that I constantly cling to, by the continual quest for more comfort.

Everywhere I turn in this season then, I am confronted with this message of leaving behind. First, our Exodus Community teaching group decide to teach on the Exodus, the main message of which is that the Israelites are leaving Egypt, leaving that world and its comforts and concerns and oppression behind. After that, Mars Hill Bible Church (which I listen to) makes their Lent series "Leaving Egypt," all culminately on Good Friday when you are to take a physical representation of what you need to leave behind up onto their stage and leave it there. Then I'm continually coming across things in the text, like today. Jesus leaves behind comfort (He goes into the desert) and food (for forty days). Jesus's first disciples leave behind their jobs and their families.

What are you trying to get at Lord? Actually, I think that is a bad question. Or actually one that is just easily answered. You are trying to get me to leave something behind, or a lot of things as listed before. Okay, okay, out of obedience I will attempt to leave my oppressions behind. But that hasn't always worked before.

Reading through Ezekiel today though, I see something else, something that I am looking at with fresh eyes now. In Ezekiel 43, verse 9, God says, "Now let them put away from me their prostitution and the lifeless idols of their kings, and I will live among them forever." This is the why! This is why we leave things behind! It's not ground-breaking or new knowledge to me, but at the same time, how ground-shaking and fresh it seems to me!

We leave things behind so that in a very real sense You will live among us, bringing Your weighty glory into our human existence. Existence wrapped in Your presence is the sweetest kind that I know, that kind that has been a focal point in my journey. And here, cloaked in the instructions of how to rebuild the temple, is another living example of how to bring You close. And it all has to do with leaving.

I want to leave. I want to leave things at the altar. I want to escape from tendencies that oppress me and believe into You. But on a larger scale, I want to help others get to this place to. Help me to begin by living this message, living this text, and continually leaving.

Now, may I leave into You this morning. May I seek to cry to You at the sight of oppression, may Your voice turn me to the sweetness of Your presence, and may I in turn lead others there. May You, O LORD, in your righteousness, make straight your way before me. Yes, blessed are You, oh LORD God most righteous, for You make the paths for us to leave and walk down them with us in Your strength. Amen.

Planted in the Text

Texts:
- Psalms 1-4
- Matthew 1-2
- Ezekiel 40-41

The first psalm brilliantly illuminates my focus the next step of my journey. As You continue to build me, I am turning to Your text with a renewed passion. I am trusting that this Word that You have inspired will become both formational and missional for me, that it will shape who I am and what I do.

So the first psalm is a great place to start. First of all, it starts with a blessing. Now, I am about as far removed as one can be from seeking a health/wealth message from this text, but true blessing is a holy, living, inspiring message. It means far more than having everything I want, it means having everything that You want.

But even more important to me is why the man is blessed: he delights in Your law (Word). He meditates on it night and day. Here is my own desire. Meditation on the Word, night and day. I want the words of the Scripture to get inside me, inspire my imagination, drop me down into the Biblical world, let me walk around and converse with patriarchs, prophets, authors, God Almighty himself, and even Christ Jesus. Meditation puts me in the state of mind to enter into You.

As I follow the psalm to the next verse, the man who meditates on the text becomes like "a tree planted by streams of water... whose leaf does not wither." I love the whole metaphor of planting. Not that it has not been used before. I mean it much in the same way that I use the phrase "grounded in" something. These things that we are grounded in or planted in are our basic understandings that we grow from, that we work with, that we "roll our tongues around" and appreciate the full flavor, and in the end, they are the things that we love.

Growing up, I was grounded in the importance of family. My parents made sure that the context that surrounded me at all times was one of support by my family. Hence, I am deeply rooted in the beliefs and customs of my family. That was the place where I received my basic understandings and started to grow, to mature, to branch out, to test, to question. But in every success or failure to do so, I return to the "grounding" reality of my family.

I have seen as I study Exodus with my community how You value grounding. You plant the work that You does in reality, for You value and love the "real" world that You created, with all its flaws and heartache. You plant Your people squarely in Your name, YHWH, for You are assuring us of the power and love of that name. You ground the mission of heaven in Your people below, for You love to call us to help the world grow in the way Your will desires.

And so, as I grow, I want to be planted in Your beautiful text. A text of reality, of Your name, of Your people. A text of life.

As I leave this time of silence this morning, may I not forget the tree, planted by streams of Your water. May I not forget that the reason this tree is planted not simply to grow tall in its own health, but to yield its fruit in season. May my meditation be on the Words You have given, and not on the words that worry my heart. And may I take Your words and live them. Blessed are You, Lord God of the Word, for the language You speak to the hearts of man. Amen.

The Journey Continues

Not to live my life in 40 day increments, but because I want to continue processing with the Lord, this 40 days is only leading into the next. And as my friend Bryan says, this 40 days will lead to the next 40, then to the next 40, and so on.

This blog has been a wonderful way for me to process the Lord's call in me. For that reason, I am going to continue posting. The purpose of the fast has been to prepare me, to help me grow, but I understand that this work is never done. It's simpling moving on to the next 40 days.

For those of you who have written me about the end of the fast, thanks. For those of you who have enjoyed and been challenged by my thoughts, keep journeying with me. Tomorrow starts as a new day one, a new morning to come closer to my Lord Jesus Christ.

Tonight, We Will Be...

Disappointed together. I can't get this song by The Myriad out of my head as we head to the last day of this fast. It's amazing that You've led me this far through something I thought would be so difficult. The honest truth is that I don't want it to end. I don't want to go back to normal. How can I prevent that?

This morning though, as I sift through my brain and try to see what You're saying to me on this big, dramatic last day, I feel confused. I know that I/we have made significant progress in our relationship, Lord, and yet there is this sense in me that there is so much more to do. I guess that gives me hope.

Yea, it does give me hope. Which would be a great thought to end this fast on. I have seen You work in my life over the past month and a half and that gives me hope. Hope and confidence.

I know that the only way to self-control is Your control. That sounds cliche, but it is truth. I hope in the fact that as I learn to leave things to You, You will do a much better job at keeping control. God, You came to Moses and simply stated to him, "I Am." You are control. You are hope.

As I meander through this final day, "You Be" in my life. That is the only way that I can avoid being disappointed tonight as we break bread together. Let me come to the body and the blood tonight singing "You are."

Living Life with You

On the second to last day of the fast Lord, I don't have that much to say. In fact, only one thing comes to mind: trust. Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Jesus in the midst of his deepest temptations and trials trusted in these words. I think that is good enough for me.

I don't need to just trust You with food though. That would be a narrow understading I think. This whole cyclical fast, learning and getting frustrated then learning the same thing again is bringing me round and round to a simple point. The point is that You want all of my life. I hate that phrase because it is so trite and worn, and difficult for those not in the same situation I am to understand.

Maybe it's like this, when Courtney and I got married, we had a line at the end of our vows that when like this, "it is my desire to live life with you." The little idea of "living life with each other" was and is filled with meaning to me. To try to explain, it's that I want to be excited to wake up in the morning next to Courtney and kiss her on the cheek. That sounds romantic and exciting. I want to take vacations with Courtney where the point is just to enjoy one another. That's life! I want to take out the garbage because she asked me last night, and I forgot, and I know that if she sees I haven't taken it out yet then she'll get upset. That's even more life! I want to go round and round about whether she should be looking for a job or continuing to heal from her last one. Living life is the dirty details and the extraordinary rest. Living life is everything.

I think, as I reflect, that this is what these past forty days have meant to me. I desire to live life with You. To find You in my home, my Bible, my classroom, especially and increasingly in my neighborhood. I want to find You in my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions and my actions. Maybe the best way to say it is that I want You to bust through my life and turn all of those "my's" into "our's."

So I give all mine to You. Let's live life together Lord.

Nearing the End

Lord, I only have three days left of not eating for You, and it seems that my ears have been closed off from You. The tiredness has not been a problem and I've even made time to sit, study and pursue during all the crazy basketball that's going on. I guess that I have been hearing rumblings from Your thunder, but they certainly have not been as consistent or grandiose as I had imagined going in to this.

Lord, I long to be near to You. At intermittent times throughout these forty days I have been. But my passion is to prolong this. I'll tell You my biggest problem though, it's life. This life that You want me to live for You is difficult, it makes it very hard to actually keep my attention on You. I want to separate walking through my day and walking with You. And I know that this is false. This separation of You and my life is not a reality in the spiritual realm, because I truly subscribe to the idea that everything is spiritual.

So how do I integrate You into my life, so it doesn't seem as though life is in my way? I remember my parents talking about something that helped change their view of You in life. The entire church did it when I was probably in middle school, it was God-sightings. Taking some specific time in each day to look back and say where I saw You throughout my life, but specifically in that day. It seems like a great idea, a way to be more thankful.

Whatever I do, the bottom line is that the knowledge of what I need to do and the doing, being, feeling, hearing, reality of it are not the same thing at all. I realize that as I look back through this blog, I've come to this same realization multiple times. I feel great about my new knowledge or the new task ahead of me...then nothing really comes of it.

Life changes in action. God moves. God rests. God moves. God rests. There is a rhythm to it all. I move in God. I rest in God. I move in God. I rest in God. There needs to be a rhythm to it all for me.

Worries kill rhythm, they knock me off beat. Let me bring them to You:
- I am worried about Exodus Community, I want us to walk in You but we face many questions ( small groups, denominations, time table, paperwork, etc.)
- I am worried about myself and the people that are close to me and our spiritual maturity, ability to deal with change, think in new ways, be challenged, be a community of TRUTH, deal with spiritual warfare realities, and hear from You.
- I am worried about what people from the outside of the group will think about Exodus Community.
- I am worried that our whole group is worried, concerned, stressed and not ever rejoicing in You.
- I am worried that I am worried, concerned, stressed and not ever rejoicing in You.

Lord, these thoughts fill my mind constantly, like breathing. I need release. Take them from me.

I will fill this Sabbath with Your praise, for You are worthy. Tomorrow, Lord, let me come back with a myriad of ways I've seen You work, that I've been delivered, and that I was called to take part by Your side. I will end this fast lifting You up to Your rightful place, resurrected and living in all life.

Moses + YHWH = Deliverance

This last week, one of my favorite experiences was our newly started Exodus Community teaching sessions. We meet in my dank basement, filled with storm windows that should be hung outside the house, porch furniture that we currently use to sit on or to hold the two whiteboards that hold our flighty thoughts. Oh my goodness, it is one of the funnest times of the week. Not only am I surrounded with good friends, I also am wading through theological depths and corners and wandering into questions and revelations. I can't quite describe the feeling of those nights without art, and I've not got that done yet, so there's my attempt.

But Joel brought up a really interesting point last night as we watched basketball, that maybe the first part of getting our hands around these teachings is to live them ourselves. I've been very convicted about living the text of the Scripture throughout the past few months, and especially during the fast. So as I rolled my tongue around this today, the taste that just coated my mouth was one of fear. Yea, fear.

Living the text is daunting. The text is immeasurable in its depth. It seems to me that the text is somewhat like a dark sea trench, and if I fall into it in intent to live, I may be as a swimmer with no underwater light. What I mean to say is that the text of Scripture is so vast I am afraid to live it for I know I'll get lost in it.

But that's exactly the point right. It's funny how just facing my fear of this idea made me think of the first lesson we are thinking of teaching from the book of Exodus: Fear. Facing our fears and realizing that if any fear controls us more than the fear-of-the-Lord, then that fear is really our God. And when I sit here afraid to fall into the text of Scripture and thus making excuses, I am making excuses of how to not fall into God, for the text is God and its Your revelation to us.

So, walking past this fear a bit I wade into our next topic from Exodus teaching: that only human participation combined with God's divine hand will bring about deliverance. Deliverance? Deliverance from what? Well, in the text it is deliverance from Egypt, the people whom the Hebrews feared. For us, it is deliverance from what we've made our gods by fearing them more than You, the Lord Almighty.

This makes me finally face a tough question. A question that will help me live. What do I truly fear? For some reason I fear not being sexually satisfied, but that's a rather minor issue compared to others. I fear failure, especially failure to do God's will, to lead well. I fear failing to walk faithfully with the men and women You have placed in my hands. But even more defeating is my fear of conflict and confrontation.

It's strange, Lord, I've always thought that this was somewhat of a good thing, allowing me to settle conflict without anger and such. And one thing that I've always hated was how quick many Christians are to "rebuke" in the name of the Lord. But Lord, I believe that their are really people that I'm trying to disciple that need to be delivered from some thing in their own lives. And to deliver them from that You need my human participation. And the thing is that the participation You need is to be a source of truth for them, showing them their lack of right attitude or understanding. But this presents the opportunity for conflict.

But I go back to this: What I learned with my Exodus teaching group is that Moses + YHWH = Deliverance. I want to bring teaching and discipleship to people's lives, but I can't go it alone. You want to bring teaching, discipleship and deliverance to people's lives, but You can't go it alone. We must be one. And You must be in control.

I'm ready to be delivered from fear. I am ready to fall into the depth of You. I am ready to join You in doing the work of deliverance. Help me take steps.

Escape

Wow, I'm headed into the last week of this fast now. And I must admit, these last several days have been the most difficult. I'm sure it's only going to get worse. Lord, with March Madness coming up (started) I'm afraid of how much time I'm going to be able to spend with You. I know that I could force myself to take a break from the games and pray and read and be with You. The problem is, my thoughts won't really be with You. Help me to find some time to be with You.

And the tiredness, that's something I never really considered when I entered into this fast. If I don't get the sleep I need it's really hard to have any type of energy. I'm like a walking zombie. And right now I am lacking the sleep that I need. It's making it hard to concentrate on anything for an extended period of time. Whether it be school, or my wife talking about her day, my friends talking about their concerns; my mind is just tired. I feel like I need an escape from all of this.

Here's the deal: You've already shown me what that escape can be, the love and silence and time spent in Your presence. That's been what so much of this fast has been about. How do I gain self-control? By spending more of my time under Your control. How do I escape life's trials? By retreating to the warmth of Your presence.

But when I'm in Your presence, I always feel like I need to come away with some new truth. When I am refreshed and well-rested, that is invigorating and life-giving. But when I am physically tired and drained, it's like writing an essay for your required college English class at 3:00 in the morning. But in relationships, do you always have to "get" something from each and every conversation? Don't I have wonderful nights of rest with Courtney where I simply lay in bed with her, arm around her waist, and sleep? If I take our relationship seriously as a relationship, can I call Your presence to simply be with me as I refresh my body?

I hope so... I believe so. I need rest now and I need to be with You. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do them both apart, so come down and be with me as I put them both together.

A Heart of Flesh

Lord, I'm reading through Ezekiel right now in devotions. You know that during this past week I was struggling a lot, really over the things that were going on in the lives of people I love. Yesterday, I sat down to struggle and study my daily passage in Ezekiel and what jumped out at me were these following verses:

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God. --- Ezekiel 11:19-20.

I know this is a much quoted verse within Christianity and Judaism, because its a promise of a time when we will truly love You as You truly love us. But what flashed brightly to me as I read this was that this was referring to the remnant that You would bring back from captivity. The remnant who You would use to rebuild, restore, and restart Jerusalem.

Lord, it seems that every time You want to start something new and refreshing, You begin by selecting the people that You need. Then You go to work on these people. Who do You need? I believe that You look for people who are capable of having an undivided heart. Why did You pick Noah to restart humanity when humankind had become to terrible to watch? Because he was the only one still wholly devoted to You. Why did You decide to start Your Holy nation with our father Abraham? Because he was one who was willing to sacrifice even his only son because of his faith and devotion to You and Your goodness. Why Peter to lead Your new church after Jesus? Was their a man of more intense loyality and devotion than Peter in the entire Scripture? You prepare the way to redemption by calling out people who can live undivided for Your cause, for Your people, and in so doing, for You.

Are the ones You call undivided from the time of the call? Heavens no. Abraham fathers a child with his wife's slave because he doesn't trust You yet with undivided heart. Peter shows his loyalty by slicing off the ear of someone coming for You despite Your repeated declarations that You would have to die. Noah gets raving drunk. These things are all after You have placed Your call upon them.

It seems to me that the giving of an undivided heart, the putting of a new spirit, the removing of the heart of stone, the giving of a heart of flesh are all the processes by which these people are prepared. Yesterday as I read this verse my thoughts immediately turned to the people who are going to make up Exodus Community. I think that right now as the reality of the project sets in, You've begun to raise good thoughts and good questions about what You are doing in many of their minds. I see You divided people, cutting them, criticizing them, to eventually make them undivided.

But I didn't think of me.

Of course, what You've been doing in the past couple of days is this process of making me undivided. Undivided in my love for all the people You've placed in my path of care. I have been broken for several days on the account of the struggle some members of our group have been having. I was supposed to be. I kept wanting out of that hurt, but I wasn't supposed to be out of that hurt. Being undivided means being one. Being one means feeling the same joys and pains. If I am to be one, undivided with the people of my community, I will feel that wonderful pain.

Thank you for working these processes in me, continue to give me a heart of flesh.

You Answered the Cry

Lord, yesterday was great. Just a simple reminder to me that when I'm feeling oppressed by anything, including my own feelings, You answer the cry. I had a wonderful day at school with the students, they were involved and when they weren't, I didn't find myself getting overly upset. I had a great meeting last night with our Exodus teaching team, it is so good to devour Your Word with others. I think that may be my favorite hobby (now, to have that same vigor and insight when working by myself...the idea is exciting). Life seems full of opportunity right now, so let me walk towards that opportunity You've provided with full thankfulness to You. I love You Lord.

Give Me My Breath Back

I kind of feel like a zombie for the past two days. My loss of motivation is gone, but in its place is really nothing. I constantly feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and not very much is helping get my breath back.

Lord, these are the down times when I cry out to You. Remember our relationship, remember how You've called me, and lead me back there. Give me a bit of my normal excitement for life, a bit of the optimism that has been what normal attitude, my love for those around me, my humor, my creativity, give them all back to me. I feel like I've been drained of many of Your good gifts with one punch.

Although, maybe there's reason for it too. Maybe I'm to suffer like Job...the hard thing is that I don't even know what's going on and why. I just want to breathe again with ease and peace. It's not that much different than what I said yesterday Lord. My body feels like it is trying to close up shop and just take a nap for a day or so, but my spirit wants to be alive and get even less sleep because of the exciting things that I have the opportunity to be involved with. Bless my spirit, energize my flesh.

My hope is in You.

Breathing Peace

Today, I need to be breathing in Your Spirit. My inclination is to talk, act, move in frustration towards many people. After a great revelation yesterday about the point of my fast, I quickly lost motivation. I wanted to start right aways with "eating" my way through the Bible, but a tiredness of spirit and a tidal wave of sleepiness overtook me.

I almost quit my fast yesterday. You know how close I really was. But the everlasting life through You does not react like that, I know. Your true way is to trudge right through. So here I go again, getting the muck and dirt of everyday life on my pants and feet as I try to pursue You despite all that is going on around me.

Life gets crazy, breathing gets constricted, today give me peace in abudance.

Like a Dog with His Bone

I'm starting to realize how You've been changing me and working in me throughout these forty days Lord. I'm starting to realize how it is all coming together, and it's amazing.

You started by telling me to savor my experience, a lesson that could be applied to a lot of things.

Then you lead me through a tough time of realizing the necessity of balance between silently waiting and moving to do, where I realized that to do Your will, I'm going to need to slow down significantly, lingering over Your touch in my life.

You lead me to a realization that I need to put my feet on the floor and hold things up in You. It is the way of fear-of-the-Lord.

As You did this, You started to lead me in considering my next forty days. You convicted me that it should be one of silence and study.

And today You've started moving me again in that way. In combining all the stuff that I've been learning into one central concept. It's a concept that I have been dabbling with and now am extremely excited to move into full force. You have brought me to begin a new type of relationsip with You and Your Word. You are teaching me to "Eat Your Book."

That's right, like a dog delighting in his bone so I should savor, linger, roll my tongue around, and hold onto the words of Your Word. I am seeing (with the help of Eugene) that spiritual writing (we accept that the writing of the Bible is guided by the Holy Spirit) requires spiritual reading. This spiritual reading means taking my time, moving off like a dog taking his bone to a private place, and devouring the Words of Scripture.

This means finding silence and space. You were already moving me toward this with the prompting of my next forty days. This morning I found myself caught up in this Scripture:

Lamentations 3:25-28: The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him.

Yes Lord, You have laid it on me to sit alone in silence, to wait quietly for my salvation. And in so waiting on the Spirit, to take up the Holy Text and savor it, linger over it, taste it deep in my soul. How certainly it will be sweet as honey on my lips, and there will be days where it will cause my stomach to be bitter. But I am awakened by the thought of taste.

And of course, a fast where I have refrained from eating. In the end, God of amazing foresight, You are teaching me that it is not about refraining from eating. Instead, taste and appetite are Your gifts, and I should instead turn these metaphors directly to Your Book. With the true hunger that I have for food for my body near day thirty, let me always have that hunger for Your Word. And let me expect for it to be quenched as I eat Your Book.

Oh God, Where Are You Now?

Sustained time in Your presence is so elusive. I don't want to feel like I'm forever questioning You, forever falling away from You, forever losing touch with where You are, but sometimes I think that either You or I are moving way too fast for each other. I mean, maybe once or twice a day our thoughts entwine for several seconds, minutes if I'm lucky, and then I'm on my way or You pick up and move.

It's funny, those seconds of intersection keep me going, leep me struggling. Yet, somedays I just want to find You and know You without the enormous struggle that it is involved. Sometimes I think that despite Jesus, we're no closer to You than the priests who had to walk through all the purification rituals.

So is that really the problem with sustained presence? Would it really kill me like it could to the Old Testament priests? Be so overwhelming that I couldn't stand it? God one other thing that I've learned over the course of this forty days is how powerful and strong You really are. But my prayer is that I can see that power that is being used not necessarily to humble people, but for overwhelming good. There I hope that my community can join You and be on the forefront of seeing the power of God pouring out on the people, places and communities that need salvation. Salvation from poverty, terror, homelessness, whatever it is. I really want to be where You are, the center of Your will.

So where are You right now? How do I connect my heart to Yours? Can You open my ears to hear You more? Can I receive the privilege of action alongside of You? I sit with these questions this morning.

Drawn Thin, Drawn to You

If there's one thing I've learned over the course of the past twenty-five days, it is the importance of slowing down to find some time with You. I haven't always found that time, but when I have Lord, well, You've made it well worth my while. I'm still waiting for You to speak like You have in the past to me...but as I type that it seems that those times You've spoken to me in the past become grander and clearer as we walk them out in life. They weren't that clear when delivered were they?

I don't know why I'm so reflective this evening. Maybe because I'm so beat. But there is this glorious resignation in my soul. I am resigned to You. I am resigned to Your care. The heaviness of my eyes, the burning in my back, my slight headache from lack of sleep, my grumbling stomach from lack of food...much of this is because of You. And that's not an indictment, it's a praise. I feel very sleepily peaceful, despite the physical thinness of my being. I am finding joy in resting in You.

So as I fill with thankfulness, I just look back and remember the things You've done for me.
- working with me on fear-of-the-Lord, and that one awful, dreadful moment when I saw Your power
- helping me realize that each step of my life must be thankfulness embodied, for without You I don't step
- intriguing me with continual questions from Your Scriptures, working them around in my brain more non-stop than ever
- introducing me to the beauty of paradox, maybe one of my favorite faith lessons ever

My prayer for the rest of these forty days is that You hear our cry and act. You are the One who hears our crys. We move forward with Your church on our hearts, and our cry is to be in the center of Your will, as Bryan put it. Lord, hear that cry and act.

Secondly, allow us to do the same. You've taught me the beauty of reclining and relaxing close to You, in reverent fear and in love. Now, use these times of closeness to instruct me. Instruct me on the ways of the kingdom. Instruct me on Your will and how we can bring it here. Lord, allow us to hear and act as well. Replace our fear of the unknown with a simple fear of You, then move through that to our ears. Then let us move, for You.

Circular, You hear us and move toward us, we hear You and move toward You. Lord keep drawing the circle tighter, until we are One with You.

Two Poems

Today I take a Sabbath to reflect on what God is working on in me. So as I try to fight with my wife and dog for some silence, let me present You with a poem I just wrote after experiencing a Lent service at an Episcopal church. After that is a poem I wrote in the waiting room of a doctor's office while waiting to get my routine kidney check. Thanks Lord, for the beauty of the language that You've given me, for the creativity that you routinely display about the world that strikes me as gorgeous, the thoughts that You inspire me to that I find simply beautiful.

POEM I:
THE BEAUTY OF TENSION

Off wooden beam ceilings bounce readings
nervously holy with rolling meaning.
A tightening in the beauty of tension,
between the yes and the yes,
between bowing and relaxation,
of strained continuation till
we’re drawn to the space where the Lord,
the Lord God is one.

And thus being undone,
being like a shamed man flung
in all disgrace between the One
who holds the justice of life and death,
the same One who with every breath
hopes to graciously harbor fear.
The promise of heaven drawn near
despite the reverence from always offending,
of rending ourselves from the unending
wonder in Your balance sincere.

God of covenantal reality,
the God in the paradox, in actuality
the unity. The completeness of all things,
the restoration Your blessing brings
rings in praise and penance, knees bowed,
heads down and hands peacefully high.
The God of the sky, the ashes, the earth,
guarding the grave, giving forth birth.
Both hearing and acting, present now
and afar, in the sound of pews creaking
and the orphans bleak cry,
in organs ascending and the circles beneath
the bare widow’s eyes, empty relief,
on my coldest hands or all hardened hearts.
A beckoning cracking and bounding within
liturgical groans, a Lent filled with sin,
but never escaping the stained glass of men
and forever coming despite separation,
forever longing to lead in salvation.

POEM II:
IN THE WAITING ROOM

Your chatter, loose and enormous,
numerous depths, wondrous heights,
and weight. The chatter of wanderers,
chairs and walls, crammed with aesthetics
competing for the glory of the eye,
while all too softly falls the weight.
While we wait, we grow old,
for our wait if heavy with worry,
and that won't add what nothing can,
yet I know that lest Your hand
be cover we would all kneel, then
all but disappear as we
spill upon each other in breaths of fear.
Here is plenty of explaining and
unexplaining, hands wrung and deals done
and muttered prayers offered lightly.
For pretty pictures, black and white
and unevenly spaced, bring not peace,
but instead the forceful image of it.
Under all such lie the opposite.
Under silent talk lies louder chatter
of many a more weighty matter,
And benaeth this haunting sticky film;
this airy fear of death belies
a still heavier fear of life.

Holding It Up

Today didn't seem special, but what a special feeling of electricity shot through me to meet with Bryan and Joel to talk about the teaching plan of Exodus Community. The power and wisdom in the words of the Scriptures is overwhelming at times, and to get to sort through that stuff with guys that I love and then hopefully bring Your words to the people You love...overwhelming. But yet, when it is the thing that You call my heart to I have an excitement that is also amazing.

Also, the creativity that You've placed within each of us is a sight to behold in and of itself. I cannot believe the thoughts and the ideas that fly through my brain when I sit and talk about You and Your Scriptures. The questions and the wading into deep areas of the faith, the turning and examining of the jewels that are there. It makes me really feel alive. Your words make me feel so alive.

So in this freshness of excitement and promise, I want to remember what a big task this is for us. I want to each day hold the Exodus Community before You. In the study we do, in the words we proclaim, in the stuff of life, in the daily mundane, let me continue to hold the community in my heart, and hold my heart in You. You know exactly where to lead, so keep us in You.

This is my prayer, I am constantly going to be holding it up.

A Sigh of Thankfulness

Every now and then I get so stressed out about what is going on inside of me that I forget to be thankful. You are teaching me a major lesson about that today. Just sitting at home reading, it came upon me that if my life is given to me by You then everything that I have privilege to do here on earth is Your gift.

The opposite of the life You give is that I'd never been created, I don't ever really wish that. But the harrowing truth that it made me come to realize is this: when things aren't going the way I would have them go, those things are still Your gift.

It is a gift to feel, even if that feel is hurt and pain. It is a gift to think, even if those thoughts bounce around an empty mind and come to no conclusion. It is a gift to pray, even when I've closed myself off from hearing. Every single event in life is a gift, and though some are bad, I'm ready to head straight through them.

Often times, when things get heavy on my mind or my soul, I let out a huge sigh. It seems to me that sighs are simply a tension reliever, a deep breath to sit back and remove yourself from the stress. I'm reclaiming the meaning of a sigh today. When I sigh to remove myself, Lord at that moment hide me in You. Remind me at that second that all life is a gift, a gift to enjoy or to push on through. Make that sigh one of thankfulness.

Thanks for these breaths.

Put Your Feet on the Floor

Lord, You've responded like You always do to my request of a reply. You've given me one straight away, and honestly, it's something old and something new. You are genuinely the greatest teacher ever, and I love to see You fulfill Your Scripture and Your words right in front of me. Over the last 24 hours, I feel like You've been instructing just exactly like Matthew 13:52 says, "Therefore every teacher of the law who has been instructed about the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of a house who brings out of his storeroom new treasures as well as old." Your instruction has been bring out old understandings and freshening them up with bold, new words and several new ideas.

The best thing was listening to Sister Victoria on a Mars Hill sermon yesterday as she spoke about "Resting in God's Presence." It was a sermon from a year ago, in Mars' Lent series. I listened to most of the rest of those last year, but had never heard this one. Now I know why... You were saving it for me to hear now.

Sister would talk about the Word and then invite everyone to calm down, "put your feet on the floor," and then rest in God. The last part struck me so hard. It was about simply holding things before You as we forge right through the problems. I am guilty of trying to find ways, levers, answers that get me around life's problems. I realized now that You want me to hold those problems in You, as we wade right through the middle of them.

I also was instructed yesterday about salvation. It's not only about me and heaven, or escaping hell. It's about every part of me. Some parts of me are alive and living in Your kingdom, other parts still need to be saved. My mind, my purity, my time, and more are still in need of Your salvation.

So that's what I come before You right now to do. To put my feet flat on the floor, to acknowledge Your love, to hold myself and others worries before You, and to ask for Your salvation come to all our stuff. Rest with us God. Amen.