My Desire

"This is my son, I am well pleased"

I've been reading Sacred Rhythms, a book by Ruth Haley Barton. This book is uncovering my true longing for spiritual intimacy with You. As she describes the serenity and peace of solitude and silence, I long to sit on a hillside watching the insects buzz close to the tips of the grass. As she describes the fullness of Scripture realized in Lectio Divina, I long to again sit with the text in an unhurried, meditative way. She writes of the spiritual discipline of taking care of our bodies, and I feel like standing up straighter and paying attention to my diet desires. She speaks of Sabbath as the life-giving day, I yearn to take a nap in the sun.

All this to say I've been inspired. Inspired to intimacy with You. So after finishing the book in hurried fashion while in Florida, I'm back to slow down and go through the practices. So I started today with Chapter 1, which was about naming your desire before God. The idea, is that if we go before God with our truest desires, in our most vulnerable and needy spot, there we will be met and there we will be changed.

So I spent today walking with my son and my dog, thinking to myself: What do I want from You? I imagined You walking up to me and saying, "So, what do you want me to do?" I went through lots of answers, and in all of them I was attempting honest self-examination. I want to do your will..."So what do you want me to do?" I want to have a focus..."So what do you want me to do?" I want to spend more time like this with Gideon..."So what do you want me to do?" As I kept circling through things that I thought I wanted, I realized that they had more to do with what I need to do that what I wanted from You.

Then it hit me, so hard I said it out loud (which was weird because there was a lady running past my as I exclaimed): Validation. I experience a lot of perceived and real rejection in my life. I need someone who is saying well done. And then You said it, just like in Scripture but to me. This is my son, I am well pleased. I am Your son, and You are pleased with me. It is a relief and a stress reliever just to know that. I want to revel in that reality, for You have and are meeting my deepest desire.

My response is simple too: You are my dad, I love you. I will continue to try to please You.