Anything I say to You today must begin with thanks. My boy finally slept through the night. No two hour crying sessions or anything. As a matter of fact, he only cried for 45 minutes when we put him to bed, which is somewhat bearable, because even though we feel bad for him, we were going to be awake anyways. So, since my last couple of encounters with You have been begging You to help with this, I am truly thankful that it has happened. It is answered prayer.
And with that answered prayer, I can move beyond myself. My tiredness often lends to selfishness. When I've been denied rest, I find it hard to bear the lives (or sometimes even company) of others. But You have given me rest, Lord. At least, I got to sleep through a night!
So, the lives of our community always seem a bit heavy. Here's what I mean: There's always somebody struggling with something complicated, big, sad, or stressful. Rarely is our community operating at a point where all are enjoying life at the same time.
What really pains me, Lord, is to see people who have normally been so filled with joy hit a life situation that just stops them in their tracks. The loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the never ending search for Your will in their lives, or at least their perception of what Your will looks like. Currently, I should be praying for, on a regular basis, people dealing with these problems... (number of people in parenthesis)
- depression (2)
- need for work (6)
- loneliness (2)
- significant life changes (2)
- struggles with parenting or the tiredness it brings (8)
- significant addictive battles (3)
And my list is probably small. I have so many questions for You when I type a list like this. Is this the way life has been for everybody? What do I tell these people? How do I comfort them on an individual level? What are my prayers doing (because if I'm being brutally honest, instead of seeing people come out of these situations, I've become more aware of people falling into them)?
But then again, if I'm being brutally honest, do I remember to pray for these problems on a regular basis?
What I'm doing by bringing this up in our time today Lord is simply saying this: these things are important to me. These people are important to me. And rather than moan about the weight of the world and the depression and stress that it brings, I'd like to be part of the relief and restoration. Even if that part is only as an observer.
Is there anything too hard for You, Lord God. Act in these situations. Act in the mighty power that saved the entire nation of Israel, and a whole world from the darkness. Act in that power, on our small behalf. Personally, give me the power of attention to pray and stay at You. That's a fun request, eh?
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Lent: Day 22
Lord, it's really difficult to figure out how I'm supposed to follow You and lead others at the same time. It becomes as if every failure, tiring circumstance, difficulty, or busyness comes from You. It's been interesting. This year as I have taught the Bible, I have become less and less interested in studying it... I know that's not the best for having great Bible lessons. I mean, I still read the Bible every morning, but my passion for connecting the narrative, for applying it to my own life, that has died in some ways.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hurt and Hope
Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 30-31
- "Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing."
- "So there is hope for your descendants," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land."
- "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD.
Sunday I taught a sermon called "Community of Truth." We covered these very same topics that show up here in the text of Jeremiah. The idea is that we all have real struggles, real wounds, real and deep hurt that we must walk through. And that You offer hope out of these hurts that is just as real.
It's great words, very true. But have I taken the time to reflect on it myself? Not so much. Where is my true hurt? What do I really struggle with that wounds me again and again? Do I have the confidence in You to face up to it? Do I have the trust in You to hope? Do I have the internal strength to order my life in such a way to claim "victory in Jesus"?
Hurt. I suppose I hurt in many ways. For whatever reason, I've recognized that rejection is one of the deepest wounds upon my heart. Well, maybe that is true. Lack of appreciation is another deep wounder of my soul. It is interesting, because both of these have to do mightily with what others think of me. It matters a great deal to me what others think of me. I think that makes sense, because I also recognize that I play a peace-making role in almost every community I am in, and to play that peace-making role when I am in conflict with many people would be difficult. And so kind of without thinking about it this whole cycle falls into place. I do not stand firm with strong convictions, but where I put my foot timidly forward, offering myself up in one capacity or another, I am rejected. I am easy to reject because I am timid, I am easy to under appreciate because I do not think highly of myself. When I am under appreciated and rejected, or even if I awkwardly feel like things are headed that way, I curl back up into my introvert shell and lick my wounds. Because I believe in truth and community, I will timidly put myself out there again, only to go through the same cycle. But off to the side, I am trying to heal the hurts and desires that go unnoticed myself.
Let me be more concrete. One of the hurts that I struggle with is not being taken seriously by my wife. In other words, she basically knows that I will do what she wants to do, and for the most part that is fine with me. An example, if I try to woo her into an "intimate" time, she will often feel free to say "no, I don't really feel like it." I know that that doesn't sound like rejection, but hearing it time and time again is wounding to me. Or I'll suggest that we think about moving the TV out of the living room, or that we stop watching pointless shows, or that we try to do devotions together as a family. She may agree, but then put so little effort into actually doing those things that I get frustrated, give up, and feel like my ideas for the betterment of my family are not appreciated. Because of who I am, I don't believe in just keeping these things to myself. So I'll tell Courtney how I'm feeling, but she always gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to respond. So she doesn't respond. And I don't hold that against her, I know that is easier. But it leaves me in a place of rejection again. Off to the side, I struggle through bouts of temptation with lust and pornography, because the internet rarely says no.
This hurt can be played out with Exodus Community as well. I'm a spit-baller when it comes to ideas, I think large, I think small, I think action, I think rest, I just think. And so I like to throw out ideas. Sometimes, whether it be because Bryan and Joel are tired, don't have enough time, or my ideas are bad (which is entirely possible), my ideas get met with a continual pessimism. Again, this goes to the deep place of hurt I have for not being taken seriously, because things will just get dismissed. The way I am tempted to respond to this hurt is to just take control, but without any community. To say things in front of the whole community that have not been brought up in the group of leaders. To slowly and subversively try to get MY ideas into the group, instead of approaching with truth and honesty. And it's all because of hurt.
But there is hope.
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds." You declare this to all who will listen. This is a declaration for the many at Exodus Community, for the many wallowing in sorrow in our world, and more specifically today, You are talking to me. Yet, I know that much is required of me to do the actions of hope. I must trust that the hope is real, that Your peace is real. And I must be willing to do things that I am uncomfortable with in order to order my life around Your values and Your commands.
Lord God, be in my actions and words today.
Order them, make them pleasing in Your way,
help me to continue to serve You
and to hope and trust that my service will bring peace.
Remind me that in You, I am not rejected.
Remind me that in You, I am always appreciated.
Remind me, though I do not like trite "life" verses,
that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."
Let me find joy in that, let me find peace in that.
You are the Creator, the words You speak are truth.
Bring me out of hurt into the depths of Your hope.
Amen.
- "Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing."
- "So there is hope for your descendants," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land."
- "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD.
Sunday I taught a sermon called "Community of Truth." We covered these very same topics that show up here in the text of Jeremiah. The idea is that we all have real struggles, real wounds, real and deep hurt that we must walk through. And that You offer hope out of these hurts that is just as real.
It's great words, very true. But have I taken the time to reflect on it myself? Not so much. Where is my true hurt? What do I really struggle with that wounds me again and again? Do I have the confidence in You to face up to it? Do I have the trust in You to hope? Do I have the internal strength to order my life in such a way to claim "victory in Jesus"?
Hurt. I suppose I hurt in many ways. For whatever reason, I've recognized that rejection is one of the deepest wounds upon my heart. Well, maybe that is true. Lack of appreciation is another deep wounder of my soul. It is interesting, because both of these have to do mightily with what others think of me. It matters a great deal to me what others think of me. I think that makes sense, because I also recognize that I play a peace-making role in almost every community I am in, and to play that peace-making role when I am in conflict with many people would be difficult. And so kind of without thinking about it this whole cycle falls into place. I do not stand firm with strong convictions, but where I put my foot timidly forward, offering myself up in one capacity or another, I am rejected. I am easy to reject because I am timid, I am easy to under appreciate because I do not think highly of myself. When I am under appreciated and rejected, or even if I awkwardly feel like things are headed that way, I curl back up into my introvert shell and lick my wounds. Because I believe in truth and community, I will timidly put myself out there again, only to go through the same cycle. But off to the side, I am trying to heal the hurts and desires that go unnoticed myself.
Let me be more concrete. One of the hurts that I struggle with is not being taken seriously by my wife. In other words, she basically knows that I will do what she wants to do, and for the most part that is fine with me. An example, if I try to woo her into an "intimate" time, she will often feel free to say "no, I don't really feel like it." I know that that doesn't sound like rejection, but hearing it time and time again is wounding to me. Or I'll suggest that we think about moving the TV out of the living room, or that we stop watching pointless shows, or that we try to do devotions together as a family. She may agree, but then put so little effort into actually doing those things that I get frustrated, give up, and feel like my ideas for the betterment of my family are not appreciated. Because of who I am, I don't believe in just keeping these things to myself. So I'll tell Courtney how I'm feeling, but she always gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to respond. So she doesn't respond. And I don't hold that against her, I know that is easier. But it leaves me in a place of rejection again. Off to the side, I struggle through bouts of temptation with lust and pornography, because the internet rarely says no.
This hurt can be played out with Exodus Community as well. I'm a spit-baller when it comes to ideas, I think large, I think small, I think action, I think rest, I just think. And so I like to throw out ideas. Sometimes, whether it be because Bryan and Joel are tired, don't have enough time, or my ideas are bad (which is entirely possible), my ideas get met with a continual pessimism. Again, this goes to the deep place of hurt I have for not being taken seriously, because things will just get dismissed. The way I am tempted to respond to this hurt is to just take control, but without any community. To say things in front of the whole community that have not been brought up in the group of leaders. To slowly and subversively try to get MY ideas into the group, instead of approaching with truth and honesty. And it's all because of hurt.
But there is hope.
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds." You declare this to all who will listen. This is a declaration for the many at Exodus Community, for the many wallowing in sorrow in our world, and more specifically today, You are talking to me. Yet, I know that much is required of me to do the actions of hope. I must trust that the hope is real, that Your peace is real. And I must be willing to do things that I am uncomfortable with in order to order my life around Your values and Your commands.
Lord God, be in my actions and words today.
Order them, make them pleasing in Your way,
help me to continue to serve You
and to hope and trust that my service will bring peace.
Remind me that in You, I am not rejected.
Remind me that in You, I am always appreciated.
Remind me, though I do not like trite "life" verses,
that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."
Let me find joy in that, let me find peace in that.
You are the Creator, the words You speak are truth.
Bring me out of hurt into the depths of Your hope.
Amen.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
But I Know I Must Keep Going
It's interesting to me, how I often stumble upon things that are so deep and meaningful among the information that I've looked over hundreds of times. Today as I am sitting here at school preparing for my lesson in Bible class, I see something perfect for me today in the book of James. It's a book that I've taught now for 4 years and it's only 5 chapters, 3 pages long. You'd think I'd have absorbed its information into my life by now.
But no, I must admit like the human I am I always forget. So reading James today I came across these verses at the beginning of the book:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Well, what I was going to "preach" to my Bible class is that any struggle we go through is really a trial. So then I began to think, "What are those struggles in my life?" Certainly, this whole seeking You during Lent has been an odd struggle for me. I've lacked meaning for it. I've tried to escape it. I've complained about it. This morning I realized for as much as I talk about struggle being a good thing, a natural thing, a thing that happens in life, that whenever I face struggle I still feel like You've left me.
So my faith is still very much defined by how well life is going for me, how little I'm sinning, how well prayers are being answered. In short, my faith is still about me.
There is a reason for struggle, it's so that I can mature. Every struggle is a joy, because it is the maturation process growing in me. What does in mean to be a mature Christian? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that you've learned how to deal with struggle the best, or that you have no more struggles. I think it must mean that you've come through the most struggles with your faith still intact, even strengthened.
And this struggle for me, well, it's not intense. It's kind of the continuing dull, medium, abstract type of struggle. Nothing is going wrong in earthly terms, and yet I somehow feel overwhelmed. There is a truth of what I want out of You in this whole process. My will is to have You remove that feeling of overwhelming responsibility. But, going back to the other day, my will does not always equal Your will.
So then my next frustration is knowing what Your will is. Maybe it is as simple as my perseverance through a time that You seem distant. Maybe it is the vigor with which I struggle and fight to find You when it seems You've gone away and hid Your face. I don't know.
But I know I must keep going. I know I must keep seeking. I must allow Your will and Your process to continue out in me. Give me that strength Lord.
But no, I must admit like the human I am I always forget. So reading James today I came across these verses at the beginning of the book:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Well, what I was going to "preach" to my Bible class is that any struggle we go through is really a trial. So then I began to think, "What are those struggles in my life?" Certainly, this whole seeking You during Lent has been an odd struggle for me. I've lacked meaning for it. I've tried to escape it. I've complained about it. This morning I realized for as much as I talk about struggle being a good thing, a natural thing, a thing that happens in life, that whenever I face struggle I still feel like You've left me.
So my faith is still very much defined by how well life is going for me, how little I'm sinning, how well prayers are being answered. In short, my faith is still about me.
There is a reason for struggle, it's so that I can mature. Every struggle is a joy, because it is the maturation process growing in me. What does in mean to be a mature Christian? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that you've learned how to deal with struggle the best, or that you have no more struggles. I think it must mean that you've come through the most struggles with your faith still intact, even strengthened.
And this struggle for me, well, it's not intense. It's kind of the continuing dull, medium, abstract type of struggle. Nothing is going wrong in earthly terms, and yet I somehow feel overwhelmed. There is a truth of what I want out of You in this whole process. My will is to have You remove that feeling of overwhelming responsibility. But, going back to the other day, my will does not always equal Your will.
So then my next frustration is knowing what Your will is. Maybe it is as simple as my perseverance through a time that You seem distant. Maybe it is the vigor with which I struggle and fight to find You when it seems You've gone away and hid Your face. I don't know.
But I know I must keep going. I know I must keep seeking. I must allow Your will and Your process to continue out in me. Give me that strength Lord.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Struggle
THURSDAY 2.14.08 - JAMES 4:7-10
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Greive, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
I'm really fighting right now to know what to do. I desire closeness. Do I do the things or act in a way necessary to achieve that? Is it the devil working against me that I must resist? I feel like I'm searching at this point and not knowing quite what to expect. My mind is in a million places even though I have the day off of school. Is there always something to keep thinking about?
Today's Valentine's Day. I've got nothing for my wife. This weekend we agreed to go out with friends but now I'm suddenly afraid that I signed the tennis team up to work concessions this weekend and totally forgot. I'm tired because I got to sleep last night at 2:00. I want to go to the gym but I don't want to miss that time with my wife and son. I didn't get my wife anything for Valentine's Day, not even a card yet. I should run to the store and do that before the gym. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to talk to You. I want to go back to bed. I know that when I go to bed I'll be wasting time. I want to be with my son and wife, but my son and wife bore me when I'm with them. What could I even get for my wife for Valentine's Day? Am I being humble before You? Am I even trying to resist? Why don't I? Why do things like this happen? I wish You could come close to me, I'm tired of tiring to walk up to You. I know I should. If You want to be with Your people then how come it is so hard for people with real desire to be close with You (um, like me) to actually be close with You? I hate this blog entry. I hate complaining. I should be praising. I would forget everything when I walked out the door, or even up the stairs. The only way I don't forget, the only way that You stay with me is if we struggle. So I guess this is just a big struggle, one that I cannot win, but maybe will bring us close. Like I want.
Resist the devil, he MUST flee.
Humble yourselves before the Lord.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Greive, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
I'm really fighting right now to know what to do. I desire closeness. Do I do the things or act in a way necessary to achieve that? Is it the devil working against me that I must resist? I feel like I'm searching at this point and not knowing quite what to expect. My mind is in a million places even though I have the day off of school. Is there always something to keep thinking about?
Today's Valentine's Day. I've got nothing for my wife. This weekend we agreed to go out with friends but now I'm suddenly afraid that I signed the tennis team up to work concessions this weekend and totally forgot. I'm tired because I got to sleep last night at 2:00. I want to go to the gym but I don't want to miss that time with my wife and son. I didn't get my wife anything for Valentine's Day, not even a card yet. I should run to the store and do that before the gym. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to talk to You. I want to go back to bed. I know that when I go to bed I'll be wasting time. I want to be with my son and wife, but my son and wife bore me when I'm with them. What could I even get for my wife for Valentine's Day? Am I being humble before You? Am I even trying to resist? Why don't I? Why do things like this happen? I wish You could come close to me, I'm tired of tiring to walk up to You. I know I should. If You want to be with Your people then how come it is so hard for people with real desire to be close with You (um, like me) to actually be close with You? I hate this blog entry. I hate complaining. I should be praising. I would forget everything when I walked out the door, or even up the stairs. The only way I don't forget, the only way that You stay with me is if we struggle. So I guess this is just a big struggle, one that I cannot win, but maybe will bring us close. Like I want.
Resist the devil, he MUST flee.
Humble yourselves before the Lord.
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