While My Baby Cries...

So Gideon is going nuts right now because Courtney is trying to get him to lay back down and go to sleep on his own, no rocking, no holding, etc. She's being a wonderful wife and saying that I can just go ahead and go back to sleep, but it's hard to sleep with a baby that you love screaming in the other room. So, I guess that I figured I would come be with You and when buddy boy finally falls back asleep, I'll go cuddle up to my adorable but certainly frustrated wife.

So I'm not sure what's going on tonight, but yesterday I felt close to You when I wrote, now this early morning I feel far. Most of the times that I get up at odd hours to talk I can feel special movements of Your Spirit, this morning I get only faint whispers. I feel a lot of guilt this morning, from not helping with Gideon, to the obligations of tennis keeping me from being fully present at teaching meeting last night, to my non-detail-oriented self not paying attention to details and continually following up with AMBS. Pile on top of that the stress of teaching and the perhaps final week of tennis and the monster cookie from the Brew last night and my stomach is a mess right now.

I keep having this problem lately. I'm pretty sure of what I want from You, and my only way of gauging our relationship is whether I get it or not. I want to win tennis matches, and my mood and desire for devotion varies according to whether we win or not. I want my baby to stop crying so my wife can sleep (I've prayed for Your calming Spirit fifteen times now). And as Gideon continues to cry, I want to ask, "Where are You? I'm calling! Can You freaking not hear me?"

But that's all stupid. Babies have to learn to go to sleep on their own, and parents have to go through the difficult trials of teaching that. Why am I asking You to make it go away? Because I want things made easier for myself. I certainly need rest, and so does Courtney, and dealing with these things right now keeps us far away from rest. Our lives are often so scrambled during tennis season, we desire some peace. With the baby crying, there isn't a lot of peace. And very little sleep.

Can You make a greater good from all this craziness? Every time he stops wailing for a second I get hopeful, ready to explode into a praising spirit (which makes it all the more frustrating when he explodes into cries again). But the continual hope, the continual belief without fulfillment, that gets very painful. It starts to make me feel like not hoping and becoming cynical, and that is the opposite of faith.

That's where I'm at with tennis season as well. I have, we have all had in the tennis program, a lot of hope through the year. Our greatest fear is that our hope will be denied at the last second. Lord, allow our hope to come to fulfillment. Allow our work to be blessed. Continue to use our experiences, both good and bad, to draw us close to You. My heart is desperate within me. And yet I can't claim to know all of Your ways and how You are shaping situations for our good and for our growth. And therefore I only have one thing to cry:

Lord, have mercy on me!

A Rambling Prayer I'm Sure

I just desire to come talk to You. So much has gone on in my life throughout the past week, and so much more will take place today and this week. Let's be honest and up front, for tennis this is the week that the whole season has been building towards, the beginning of and end of sectionals all happens within the next seven days. My seniors have been waiting for this for three years. And so have I. It could make this week incredibly stressful.

But I'm coming before You, because after talking with Courtney last night, I realize that something that is very important is to have my priorities straight and then "prove" that. Or, to have my priorities in the right order and actually commit my time to keeping them in the right order. So You must be first. You give me so much and pour blessing over many areas of my life. But it's about more than just repaying You for blessing, it's about You being so passionate in Your love for me, how can I not love You back? I do not know at times how to show You that You are my top priority. I'm willing to accept and actively (at times anyways) seek Your will for my decisions and actions. I try to pass Your blessings on to others. I try to commit myself to times like these, reading the Word and talking to You. Perhaps I need to balance my doing with listening, for only when You speak to me will I be sure I'm doing the right things anyways.

So, if I made a list of my priorities, it would look like this:
1. Relationship with God.
2. Relationship with Courtney and Gideon.
3. Relationships with Exodus Community friends.
4. Tennis stuff.
5. School stuff.

Can I even begin to think that I can follow those priorities this week? I mean, I have tennis matches (which I can't really skip to like hang out with Gideon and Courtney) and it's also the week of sectionals (which means I probably should give real close attention to the tennis stuff anyways because it could be over if we're not careful). I certainly would like to be a more scheduled person, you know, like with a plan written out in my planner that shows I'm spending 14 hours with God this week, 12 hours alone with Court and Gid, 11 hours into Exodus stuff, 10 hours into tennis, blah blah blah blah. It's really tempting to make some sort of system that proves my commitment to the different areas of life.

Let me start here though: I am passionate about pursuing You. I want to stay passionate about pursuing You. Something is telling me right now that if I can accomplish priority number one, that everything else will fall in line. I pray that I can pursue You properly this week. For I do love You, my Lord and my Savior. Amen.

Let's Talk

You know what I really like about posting on this site. That You and I get to talk. I mean, when I pray without typing, I am usually just listing off the things I want to happen. But here I take time to consider Your answers. I can be honest about what I want (I still want to win tennis matches, or at least play up to or above our potential) and yet at the same time hear what You might be calling us to (bless others).

I've been feeling the need to bless others lately. I get so wrapped up in me and my team during tennis season, okay, admittedly I get wrapped up in my team and therefore tend to lose a little sight of people besides my team. I lose track of my students, I lose track of some of our church family, I lose track of my wife and son sometimes, and I lose track of You. You know, the weird thing is that all the people that I listed, that I'm supposed to "keep up with," I'm supposed to be a leader in each of those areas. I am supposed to lead the learning of my students, I am supposed to lead the spiritual and whole growth of the church, and I am supposed to lead my family, in our walks with You and in decision making it seems. The only relationship that I have right now where I don't lead is with You (well, okay, most of my friendships, which includes people from the church, I don't have to be the leader, but the church in an official sense, I am the pastor.)

Anyways, with all the energy spent on leading, I'm sick right now. Well, I don't know if this led to my sickness, but it couldn't help. I need rest in You. Bring that on!

Discipline and Stress

Lord, my prayers all have the same theme throughout this stretch of tennis season. I'm stressed, give me some relief (and usually I have some variation of "Let us win tennis matches, but you know, Your will be done" stuck in there). I'm starting to realize that You've given me the tools to take care of some of the stress myself, but I don't take that responsibility very seriously at times.

Like the fact that I'm overtired most of the time. Well, I could decide that during tennis season I'm going to be super careful about what I eat so that I don't have to get up super early in order to get to the gym so that I don't end up gaining twenty pounds during tennis season. But no, stress makes me eat more instead of becoming more disciplined, and so I have to go to the gym, and so I'm up and yawning at 5:00 in the morning in order to make it happen. I call it discipline because I'm doing something that I wouldn't choose to do if I had the choice, but I've got the choice... and I can't stop myself from choosing too much food.

That's getting frustrating to me, because I'm afraid of the implications that it has elsewhere in my life. What I'm talking about, Lord, is my overeating. The only way that I've found to control my overeating is by not eating at all. The times that I'm fasting are great because I CAN'T eat. But if I'm given the opportunity to eat, like most of all year round, I cannot eat the proper amount. Even if I don't really like the food I eat too much. And it doesn't even make me feel good. Yesterday I ate way too much, and today I feel like crap. This morning I feel so sick and tired... doesn't help the stress level very much, eh?

Anyways, it is something I would like to see change over time, my ability to limit myself instead of just cutting everything off. I know I have a majority of the responsibility in this change, but let Your Spirit give me the strength to accomplish this turn of discipline.

Oh, and let us win some tennis matches this weekend, but (and I type this sarcastically but actually mean it wholeheartedly) Your will be done.

Cry for Mercy

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."
- Job 9:15

Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.

I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy on us.

Prayers

Dear Heavenly Father, the one who holds me in the palm of Your hand when I am feeling weak and even when I am feeling strong, be with me throughout this coming day. I recognize my need to bring many things before You. We talked about seasons in teachings this summer and I realize that right now I am in a season of high responsibility and thus high stress. I don't want to use that as some kind of excuse to not be the person You are trying to make me into. But the amount of tiredness does become overwhelming after a while. And it makes it hard to get up and spend any time with You.

It especially makes it difficult to spend any time listening. If I quiet my soul and let these words fade away, I will be like Peter, james and John in the garden of Gethsemane, I will physically fall asleep. Though I don't want to just babble on and babble on, I have a very difficult time focusing when I don't. What does that say about my ability to focus? I don't know.

In any case, I have four blessings in my life that are taking precedence in my prayer life right now. My family, my church, my tennis team, and my job. My family has been amazing over the past couple weeks. Courtney really seems to be committed right now to helping me in this time of busyness instead of getting angry about it. Gideon is doing the cutest things ever, laughing every time I come into the room, waving bye-bye at random times, clapping his hands, crawling all over the place. Just yesterday he jumped off the side of the pool to me, closing his eyes and holding his breath. He did that and he's not even 9 months old yet. I just think he is amazing. What a blessing my family has been! Thank You, giver of life and creator of all. You are good. My church seems to be running smoothly again as well. With Lisa coming back from her summer voyage to the south, and Darryl coming again on a regular basis, the living room feels full every week and people seem to be enjoying and learning. Some people are really on fire, and so I hope we aren't disappointing You with our community. You also seem to be opening doors at the Window again, so... continue to lead us into deliverance, community, knowledge, and land.

My tennis team has been doing awesome, and they are such great guys. Thank You for the way we are able to learn biblical truths through a physical activity, and thank You for helping us improve our athletic competition. It's rewarding to watch players mature through their years on the team. Thank You for Your blessings on us, let us not forget to praise You. And finally school has been a lot of fun this year, leading the students through the Scriptures. I pray that You will help me stay organized, for that extra time I spent this summer has been rewarded so far. Thanks for the opportunity that was brought around for me to do something I love.

For all these things, this morning I say thank You. I praise You, but not because I am supposed to, instead because I truly do see blessing and recognize it as an undeserved gift from a beautiful savior. That is my psalm this morning... Your love endures forever!