Maturity Begins Within Your Arms

Yesterday I read many texts, it just happened that way, I wasn't really trying. One was from the daily office I'm putting together for the Lent season at Exodus. One was from a devotional reading that my mom sent me. Others were from Ed Dobson's book that I just finished. And others... but somehow they all ended up coming together.

I wrote about wanting to move through the maturity process, and take the next step this Lent season. Well, besides the 2 Peter passage, Hebrews talks about the maturity process as well. Specifically, it contemplates the basics, the beginning of the faith. And thus the beginning of my journey in Lent.

Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don't need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. - Hebrews 6:1

Here's my answer to the writer of Hebrews, and to You, Lord. "No, we don't need to start again with the importance of repenting... but maybe I should start the process of becoming mature with repenting."

Reading Ed Dobson last night, I was struck by his exposition of the Hebrew word for repentance, which is teshuvah. Literally the word means to turn in the opposite direction. But, it has all sorts of different flavors that he broke down by tracing the root word, shuv, through the Old Testament. The one that struck me the most is from the story of Abraham chasing after his nephew Lot to free him from captivity. Lot had been captured at a battle near his home of Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham was going to recover him. Thus the word shuv has the flavor of recover what has been stolen from us.

As I repent, teshuvah, I hope to recover the things that have been stolen from me. One of the big things is the purity of my heart and mind. So many of my sins are selfish, they ignore both You and others. What I've found, and what I wrote about yesterday, is that I get in an autopilot mode after devotions are over, where I just kind of go. And in this, my selfish mind runs most of my day. I feel like in many ways, my mind has lost the ability to be pure, to be committed to one thing, to be focused on You. I pray that I recover that.

I confess that even in starting the season on Ash Wednesday, I didn't fully engage the sayings and readings of repentance, as I was leading Exodus through them. Perhaps it is time for me to go over them again now.

From the Ash Wednesday reading:
"We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven. Have mercy on us, Lord."

But I read one more Scripture yesterday. Luke 15. About You recovering what is lost. A missing sheep, a lost coin, a prodigal son... You are about teshuvah. Recovering what is lost or has been stolen. And not only are You going after what is stolen, recovering what is lost, finding what is missing; but when You find it, You rejoice.

The loving image from the prodigal son, of You throwing Your arms around Your son as he practices teshuvah, repentance, that is where I am really beginning my maturity process. Help me to remember that the journey all takes place within Your loving arms.

A Theology of Waiting: Day One

Readings: Psalms 5 & 6, Isaiah 1:10-20

This year, Exodus is following the church calendar year and celebrating Advent. I've decided to pick up some readings and follow along as well. And I need to. The season of Advent is all about the coming of Your presence among us. The season of Advent celebrates Your power of deliverance, but acknowledges to begin with that there are times when we don't feel that You are with us at all. Maybe it is divine appointment, but I feel that I am in one of those times right now.

So as Psalm 5 says, I'm here this morning to lay my requests before You and begin the process of waiting in expectation. My request is rather simple, I want to want this again. Tiredness and distance have made this morning devotional time seem like a formality rather than a relished opportunity to commune with the Holy. I want this time to be like the times of my fast, where I was eager to seek Your presence. I have not taken the time since tennis season to wait on You with any expectation. Now I am slowing myself down and deciding to wait. Will You please honor that by showing up?

And so...what do I do in this waiting? That is the question I seek to figure out during this Advent season. I cannot be inactive and just assume Your work will relieve me of all responsibilities. I must be active in my faith, but the question is how?

First thing I notice from the psalms this morning is the cry. Look at all of these verses:
- Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.
- Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
- My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
- I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.

I see from that set that the crying out part of waiting is important. I cannot be waiting on Your presence and be silent about it. That has been my problem since tennis season. In my hurried devotional times, I have read Scripture and not digested it. But my biggest mistake was not taking the time to pray. This blog is basically a prayer. My poetry blog is many things, but during the last cycle it wasn't really a prayer. So not posting here was a rushing of things, not a time saver at all. Here I bring before You my thoughts and words. Here I cry to You, I need Your presence!

Cry is important, I wish I could just stop with this because it seems focused for this morning. But there is certainly another strand wrapping through the readings this morning. That is the strand of obedience and right living. The strand of giving up our sinful attitudes. It is strong in Isaiah:
- Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.
- When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; even if you offer many prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood; wash and make yourselves clean.

That last Scripture especially hits home this morning. When I reach out to You in prayer, You will not receive unless I have washed an made myself clean. Repentance, it goes right along with waiting. Primary actions of waiting seem to include crying and repenting.

Maybe I should say a word about repenting too, it means that I am also committing to live rightly from this day forward. So that's my goal today. See my efforts Lord, my successes and my failures, but know that I will strive today to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" In the daily grind of the school day, help me to "seek justice, encourage the oppressed..."

And begin to come to me in Your presence, I am finally waiting.

Rend Your Heart

Joel 2:12-13

"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."
Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

As I sit this morning while Gideon naps, I have felt a distance from You. Certainly tennis camp made it hard to find a place to seek You, and Andrew's wedding was filled with time for family. It felt selfish to set aside time for You when I could spend it with a soon-to-be married brother, a twice-a-year seen sister from Colorado, and the rest of my beloved family. But two weeks without real discipline is too much, and our relationship has been strained by my doing. Consider this my love letter of apology.

Now I'm not worried about Your punishment yet, no, I'm worried about our love. I don't like to see us grow cold, for me to lose sight of Your presence, for our hearts to be distant. And so I have wondered to myself and to You, "What do I do to repair the strain?"

And Lord, my love, You never fail to answer when I seek with sincerity. "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart..." Again, You wish to see me seek and follow with truth and sincerity. My heart is broken for the damage I've done, and sometimes the wounds become callous and it seems to overwhelming to pick them open and wade through them. But my Lord of Renewal, You are a healer. So deep the wounds might be that I have caused You with my silence, but You are gracious and abounding in love. Receive my heart-broken apology.

Now, my son will soon call, and I will leave this place of peace with You. But do not let peace leave me. Do not take Your spirit away. Continue to give, and in the way that I respond; to Gideon, to Courtney, to strangers, I will give because of You. Help me to remember that.

Love,
Matthew.