Joy

I used to be a big-time optimist. I still am, but things have been muted through the years of dealing with the ups and downs of life. I tend to look on the bright side, but I certainly go through periods of life where I just get tired and exhausted of being the one with hope. And sometimes, I think when I'm stressed and without hope, I'm probably a bit more trying to be around.

Recently, another member of our church had a miscarriage. Now, I know these are "fairly" common, but I have been having a hard time being close to You when I know this has happened. Despite teaching my 7th graders yesterday that God doesn't make bad things happen, that instead You simply come in and make as much good from the chaos as possible, I still have a hard time believing that at times myself. So, I've been a bit morose lately.

This might seem like a weird way to start a post that entitled joy, but last night before I went to bed, I realized that what these situations have taken away from me isn't necessarily my hope and optimism, it is the joy with which I used to deal with things. Life is going to be difficult at times, but so much better to face the voids and mistreatments with joyful hope rather than exhausted, acknowledge-hope-with-my-lips-and-not-my-attitude-or-actions hope.

So, I wrote the word joy on a piece of paper I have in my room for writing down ideas that come to me while I'm trying to sleep, so I don't forget them the next morning. And then I smiled and went to sleep. This morning, as I came out to the living room to talk to You, I'm humming and singing a song (I don't think it is a real song!) that I just woke up singing.

"Joy! Joy! Welling up in my heart..."

You work fast Lord, so very fast. When I finally find what to ask for, You do not delay but You provide. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Continue to give me hope and joy welling up in my heart!

A Gift

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Sabbath. Yesterday was a wonderful day, spending time with Gideon (even though he was sick), spending time with my wife, watching the Selection show, and simply resting. It felt great to take a break from all stress related things and just enjoy my family.

Sometimes, Lord, I forget what a good God You are. What I mean by that is that sometimes I forget that while You spend much of Your time working for the good, it doesn't always feel like "working." So often, in the Bible and in my life, You have gifted me pleasurable and leisurely experiences. Like Sabbath.

It seems that when things are properly balanced in my life, I enjoy most of the things in my life. When tennis workouts don't last into the evenings, I enjoy them. When I can contain my schoolwork to school, I enjoy it. When my church responsibilities don't impinge on my family time, I enjoy them. When I keep things in their proper place, I find that I actually enjoy them.

Which, I guess, is what Sabbath is really about. It's trusting You enough to say that if I take a day and enjoy my family and friends and food, then the other things will still be able to be taken care of... just in their time and in their place. It's saying that the grades I don't have done will get done, just not today. It's trusting that I will have enough time to tackle my other responsibilities if I keep them in the other six days. And, I guess, I trust that.

And I thank You for being a God of enjoyment! Continue to help me balance life, and therefore enjoy it all the more!

A Song for the Day

Jesus, be the center.
Be my source,
Be my light, Jesus.

Jesus, be the center.
Be my hope,
Be my song, Jesus.

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live

Jesus, be my vision.
Be my help,
Be my guide, Jesus.

Jesus, be the center.
Be my source,
Be my light, Jesus.

All for You

Last week ended very well, and the weekend was fantastic. Thank You for that.

Right now, I'm facing a challenge that seems to come and go throughout my life. It's not a bad thing, and I'm not complaining. What I'm saying is come help me deal with this. Throughout my everyday life, I've got things that I'm responsible for. And I want them to go well. Classes, tennis, Exodus, a marriage, a family, things like these. I don't think there is any way in which success in these areas is a bad thing.

But sometimes, my desire for success in these areas takes me away from You. For example, this weekend my wife and I got away. Went up to Michigan, stayed at a Bed and Breakfast, enjoyed one another's company and relaxed. It was a really great weekend to focus on the relationship that we have with one another, and it went really well. But I didn't focus on my relationship with You very well.

I can hear Your answer loud and clear, and it would have been awesome to have this conversation before I went away with my wife. Integrate You into these other desires. When focusing on my wife, we probably both could have focused on You. It would have sharpened our connection with one another even more. I mean, we prayed together, but think about what couples devotions or even just talking about our relationships with You would have done to bring us closer.

Of course, You are kind of an awkward topic to just bring up. And if things aren't going well, or one of us is feeling distant from You then... it is really hard to talk about. And that's with my wife. What happens when I try to integrate You into the tennis team, and no one cares.

But I know how You work. I've seen it before. If I ask You to be there, You will be there. You are always looking to be with us, make Yourself known. You are scary powerful, and so I pray that You enter these situations and show us Your favor. But right now, before I forget or do anything else, I want You to be the focus of these specific desires of mine, these areas of my life. I want them to be all for You, and then You can define what success means within them as You work among us.

1. My marriage.
2. My family.
3. Exodus.
4. Bethany Christian Tennis.
5. My classes.

Be the center of each of those areas. Be my affirmation and my end goal. Take these things of my life and "let them be ever, only, all for Thee."

Facing the Dryness of Apathy

Okay, so I still need to work on that confidence part from yesterday. I went to school thinking that You would be my support and that I'd be able to face up to anything. But then one 7th grader's attitude just sucked all the life out of me, and I had trouble getting that life back.

It seems to me that apathy is the "dry and weary land where there is no water" that I read about today in Psalm 63. Yesterday, while my soul longed to be with You, I found myself fighting against the dryness. And that fight and the apathy, well, my confidence shriveled.

Not that I'm blaming You for that. I know that You are right there, like a glass of tall water. It's just that somehow I'm not accessing that cool spring of living water. I'm not getting the refreshment that an encounter with You can give.

And yet I love You and know the promise that Your presence holds. I know You are helping through a period of maturing, perhaps this whole fight to get to Your fountain will help me begin to develop perseverance.

Thanks for always dealing with us as a loving Father. Please, take my life and mold it to be ever more like that.

Even Then I Will Be Confident

Lord, I love the Psalms. The more I read of them, the more beautiful I find them. I think, especially when I am just reading one a day, I find the beauty and the imagery fascinating. It makes them even more prayerful for me, and inspiring.

Today, it's the second week through the Lent readings. So it is Psalm 27 for the second time. And as I read it, several things jumped out to me. First of all, I've been trying this week to treat the people who annoy, challenge, and try to take advantage of me like my family, with love. And of course, as I began to attempt to reach out in love to one student who gets on my nerves, another one made me furious yesterday. Like calm down, take deep breaths furious.

And I feel like I'm at my wit's end with him, so I sent him out in the hall. I calmed down, and then I tried to do my best to love him. Went out of my way to solve the problem that he was bringing up. And he was still indignant and ungrateful after I did so... but isn't that what God's family is all about, didn't Luke 6 say specifically that God is merciful to the ungrateful?

The hard part is to not feel defeated, because that's what I felt like in the end. A push over. Even though I had made the choice to love, I still felt weak. But the Psalm today was all about confidence.

"The Lord is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear?"

"When my enemies and foes attack me... even then I will be confident."

"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord..."

When loving those who don't always respond lovingly toward me, I need to remember these passages You've inspired. Why should I be afraid? I will be confident in my Lord. You give me the support of a merciful Father, so let me see that face, let me feel Your support.

And thank You in advance, because I am confident it will be there!

Building

So, I think that I've discovered some things that I need to say "yes" to. This week, the text for Exodus was Luke 6, basically Luke's version of the Sermon on the Mount. One of Luke's key elements to the sermon is basically the idea of love; love defines the Kingdom that You are always building, and especially love towards those that oppose, annoy, hold back, deny, or hate us.

I don't think that I have any one who hates me. And unlike the Jewish people the sermon was delivered to, I don't have any racial group that I detest. But certainly there are those who drive me nuts and who I don't want to be around. My challenge this week has been to think through how I can love them. And not just a little bit, but instead, like my family. Because that's what the Sermon on the Mount, Luke's version, is really asking.

And so, I came up with several ideas. Eating lunch with a specific student one day, sacrificing my lunch another day for a men's prayer group, and then I need to try to reach out to the 7th graders and I haven't quite figured that one out yet. But my prayer today is that You will either bless these ideas or show me a better way. Show me better ideas. 

I don't want to be a hypocritical pastor, one who tells his congregation, "Think about this," and then just let myself off the hook. I need to work on loving just as much as everyone else. Give me that strength, Lord. Give me that support of a merciful Father as my foundation. Then let me build on it. 

The "Yes"

I have been on this Lent path for a week now, trying to become more mature as a Christian. Starting with the basics of repentance, I have been trying to leave my selfish ways behind. And in some ways I'm succeeding, in other I am failing. I think that is probably what it means to be human, so I'm not going to be to harsh on myself yet.

But I'm not going to stop trying, either, Lord. One of the areas of maturity was self-control. I do really well at the "no" that is inherent to self-control. For me, I believe self-control has two areas, a "no" and then a "yes." You have to control yourself to say no to things that are bad for you, destructive to faith and following Christ. But then you have to say yes to the things Christ would, helping others, forgiving, going the extra mile, turning the cheek, etc.

As an ascetic worshipper by nature, I do not mind denying myself in order to get closer to You. I have fasted, I have given up things, I have given up vices. I have denied myself access to distractions, giving up television or searching other internet blogs. In the past, I have done these things of denial, and they have been a joy.

But have they changed my attitude of saying yes to difficult things? Not always. I still have trouble doing the things that would make me feel uncomfortable, be difficult, or require a lot of me. For example, I crave my lunches alone. It allows me to think, relax, and recover. And yet, I have many students with missing assignments that I should simply call in to work on those assignments with me, where I can give them help and answer questions in a non-judgmental way. But I love my lunches alone! Or, I am the Bible teacher, and I've been thinking lately that it would be good to have a group of students that regularly prayed for the school. But again, this would have to cut into my time, my alone time, in one way or another. So it doesn't happen.

So my prayer today is simple, let me be more of a yes man. The things that will further Your kingdom, that fall inside Your priorities for me: Let me be self-control enough to say yes to them.

Maturity Begins Within Your Arms

Yesterday I read many texts, it just happened that way, I wasn't really trying. One was from the daily office I'm putting together for the Lent season at Exodus. One was from a devotional reading that my mom sent me. Others were from Ed Dobson's book that I just finished. And others... but somehow they all ended up coming together.

I wrote about wanting to move through the maturity process, and take the next step this Lent season. Well, besides the 2 Peter passage, Hebrews talks about the maturity process as well. Specifically, it contemplates the basics, the beginning of the faith. And thus the beginning of my journey in Lent.

Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don't need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. - Hebrews 6:1

Here's my answer to the writer of Hebrews, and to You, Lord. "No, we don't need to start again with the importance of repenting... but maybe I should start the process of becoming mature with repenting."

Reading Ed Dobson last night, I was struck by his exposition of the Hebrew word for repentance, which is teshuvah. Literally the word means to turn in the opposite direction. But, it has all sorts of different flavors that he broke down by tracing the root word, shuv, through the Old Testament. The one that struck me the most is from the story of Abraham chasing after his nephew Lot to free him from captivity. Lot had been captured at a battle near his home of Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham was going to recover him. Thus the word shuv has the flavor of recover what has been stolen from us.

As I repent, teshuvah, I hope to recover the things that have been stolen from me. One of the big things is the purity of my heart and mind. So many of my sins are selfish, they ignore both You and others. What I've found, and what I wrote about yesterday, is that I get in an autopilot mode after devotions are over, where I just kind of go. And in this, my selfish mind runs most of my day. I feel like in many ways, my mind has lost the ability to be pure, to be committed to one thing, to be focused on You. I pray that I recover that.

I confess that even in starting the season on Ash Wednesday, I didn't fully engage the sayings and readings of repentance, as I was leading Exodus through them. Perhaps it is time for me to go over them again now.

From the Ash Wednesday reading:
"We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven. Have mercy on us, Lord."

But I read one more Scripture yesterday. Luke 15. About You recovering what is lost. A missing sheep, a lost coin, a prodigal son... You are about teshuvah. Recovering what is lost or has been stolen. And not only are You going after what is stolen, recovering what is lost, finding what is missing; but when You find it, You rejoice.

The loving image from the prodigal son, of You throwing Your arms around Your son as he practices teshuvah, repentance, that is where I am really beginning my maturity process. Help me to remember that the journey all takes place within Your loving arms.

Lent Begins

I really love the Lenten season. Growing up, our church always celebrated Easter in a big way, cantatas and so on, but I never got the lead up that was Lent. Or maybe I just don't remember it. But the penitence and confession and emptying out that happens during these seven weeks is so valuable.

What is driving me nuts this morning is that I don't get to sit and really take it in. I have to head off to a teacher's meeting in about 5-10 min. That doesn't really give me time to process You. And despite all my attempts over the past several months, I still haven't really figured out how to turn my every day work (Bible teaching, for goodness sake!) into a way to cultivate our relationship. It's like a switch gets turned, and I am just going through the routine of the school day.

For Lent, I am going to try to empty myself out to make room for You. We'll see what type of things I need to get rid of, so that I can be filled by You. Speak to me about this, show me when I can be attentive to You.

As I'm making room for You, please take those times to shape me into Your likeness. I've been contemplating the maturity process described in 2 Peter 1:5-8 a lot recently...

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."

How am I maturing in my life and in my Christ-likeness. I have faith. I think that for the most part I am concerned with the good. I am always hungry for knowledge. Do I have self-control? And if I do, I know that I need perseverance.

Several years ago, I fasted with the goal of gaining self-control. I'm not sure that I ever really learned the lesson of actually controlling my desires. But whether I did or not, I know that I don't persevere very well. About a month ago, I wrote on the tennis blog how I have to be affirm to continue to do the right thing, and if no one is telling me I'm doing a good job, and the success of whatever it is isn't evident... well, then I quit. That doesn't sound like perseverance.

So, this Lent is going to be a good one. I am going to praise You. I am looking to add to my knowledge self-control, and maybe to my self-control add perseverance. I know that the situation at Exodus, the weight of the community, always requires that. Let me be a leader who follows You in all that is good.

The Nature of God

is to provide.

In my small worries, all has been provided. And my day has turned out great. In an attempt to continually recognize You more, I just wanted to say a short thank You.

Thank You!

The Nature of Satan

Yesterday I wrote about worry.

Last night and today I have been besieged by things I could worry about.

It seems to me, that it is the nature of evil to overwhelm you with the very thing you've just been so excited about learning. For me, the worries are not even anything major. I have a chapel to present, too many papers left to grade, Spiritual Life Week to plan, and lessons to prepare for Pastor's Day (which is today).

I pray today Lord, that Your presence will be real to me throughout these things. More than success in every area, I want You to know that it is You I value. I value our relationship. I will continue to think about it.

So instead of succumbing to the temptation to worry, I want to proclaim all glory and honor and attention to You.

The Nature of Worry

1 Samuel

As I read the pages of 1 Samuel, I see David and Saul in this continual dance of distrust, unease, fear and worry. But the one who really seems to worry and be confused is Saul. He fears that David is trying to take the kingdom from him, he fears that David will in fact rebel and kill him, though David twice shows that he is unwilling to take the king's life.

In short, Saul worries over irrational fears. And those irrational fears fly in the face of his actual experience, but what drives them anyways is his self interest, his desire and obsession of holding onto "what is his."

Isn't that true of my worries too, Lord? Most damaging worry is motivated by self-interest. I worry about not having my obligations completed, I worry about looking like a fool when I lead a networking session at the conference, I worry about having a terrible sermon because of how it might make me look, I worry about how many people come to church because it might make me look like a failure... but many of these things are irrational. I'm trying to make myself look better. But do any of them affect who I am as a person?

If my networking session had been boring, would I be less of a teacher? If my sermons are choppy and no one likes them, am I being less than faithful to You? If no one comes to church, am I really a failure for stepping out and doing what I believe You called me to?

Instead of worry, perhaps my response should be responsibility to my ability. If I am worried about something, perhaps I should take a deep breath and say, "What is my responsibility in this issue, and am I doing that to the best of my ability?" Any other question, any other thought will probably lead to fear and worry. These questions can lead to trusting You and finding an answer.

If Saul had asked these questions about David, he would have found that his responsibility was to fairly rule the kingdom and lead the people toward You, and could have focused in on that. But instead he went about chasing David, who was never threatening him in the first place.

Don't let me chase my fears Lord, but let me be focused on my responsibilities.

Scattered About

Lord God,

Since the new year has started, I've been trying to get my heart into my devotional time more and more. And one of the ways that I've felt like You would speak to me is if I let You guide my devotional time. And so I haven't forced very much structure on my time. I've been loosely reading through the Bible, studying the book of Luke, reading the Psalms, reading "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, typing up prayers and so on and on. But I don't have a structure to my time.

I have had some awesome times of revelation and knowledge during the first month of 2010. Our devotional time at the Exodus retreat was amazing and refreshing. The way that You spoke, the prayers that You gave me, the clarity that I had moving forward. Their have also been great times of study, wonderful insights, and good books that I've read (I'm really happy to be into one of the classic devotional pieces in Brother Lawrence's book!)

But what has been difficult for me over the past year or so is contemplation.

Talking with Bryan yesterday about "Dark Night of the Soul," I realized that St. John of the Cross had it so right when he said that we often enter our devotional time looking for something from You. We want to come away with something new, and so we end up treating our relational time as a consumer. I'm putting in my time now give me what I deserve. But it is supposed to be a relational time.

I guess, to compare it to my marriage, there are times when my wife and I sit down and talk about Gideon, joys or pains in our marriage, practical decisions that have to be made, things like that. When I walk away from those conversations, I feel like something has been accomplished, some decisions have been made. It feels good. It feels like progress. It gives me some direction.

But then there are times when we sit and don't talk, but instead just hold hands and I can watch the snow fall outside. Or times when we snuggle up in bed and rest on a Saturday afternoon during Gideon's nap time. Nothing gets done, but our marriage gets closer.

It's those second kind of times that I don't seem to have the patience for in our relationship Lord. I can't seem to slow myself down for something like that.

And that's where I think structure would maybe help. I'm so scattered about in trying to figure out how to connect with You, that often remains my focus. If there was some structure to my struggling, well... at least that is what I was thinking. I was reading Scott Cairns, "The End of Suffering," last night and he was speaking of his time spent with the monks of Mount Athos in Greece. There he learned to pray the hours, and other prayer rituals meant to help one pray ceaselessly. I longed for that type of structure. I long for prayer to become more real and ceaseless in my life, and thus deepen my relational tie to You.

And I feel a sudden answer to that, ringing clear from Cairns book and from You. I was going to finish my post with the last paragraph, asking You about structure, but I hear a clear sentiment. It fits well with my "Year of Joseph" theme as well - Step Forth and Love Others - and so I think it may be a true leading from You.

If I long for prayer to be real and ceaseless, if I long for structure and intimacy - I must be truly concerned in the suffering of others.

When Success Comes...

I've been studying a lot in Luke lately. I just taught the book to my seventh grade class last semester and we've been going through it section by section, verse by verse at Exodus. So I am preparing for Sunday's sermon and reading the account of Jesus' interaction with a leper in Luke 5.

The account is exactly what I would expect from You. You came into a city, met someone in need of deliverance, and released them from the situation that was holding them back from wholeness. In this case, it is the man's skin disease. There are some remarkable intricacies to this story, some depth that we'll get into on Sunday, but I am struck today by the end of this passage.

After You healed the man, the crowds were over the top about You and Your ministry. Your miracles, Your bold teachings, the authority that You had (nice advantage, being God and man :-), but all of these things were impressing the people. And they wanted on board. So they began to follow and the crowds became larger. You were so successful!

I find, in my times of success, two things happen to me. First of all, I become very busy. There are many people who want to talk to me, many things that I have to do to keep the success going, many people I want to see me because I want them to recognize how successful I am. I get busy.

Secondly, when I am successful I get very nervous. I worry that something will take the success away. I think about tennis last year when we were 10-2, and how much I worried that something could go wrong (something did). The year before when we won the Sectional, the way I worried about whether we would accomplish our goal or not (and we did). I think about Exodus even, when things were going really well at the beginning and people were joining on (the Mahaffas, Tim Vogel, Ben Gooding, the DeMotts - and all of a sudden we had a full house!) I remember we worked so hard and late on sermonizing and preparing on Monday nights (busyness) and I often worried about what people would think of my sermons (worry).

Strange, but I think success is so desired that it causes undue stress to most of the people in this world.

And maybe for You as well, but in this passage You did something pretty cool. Something that I as an introvert really connect with. You withdrew Yourself from the crushing crowds and prayed in "lonely places." You made time to be alone and reconnect with the Father. In success, You didn't try to do so much more, You did less. You didn't load up Your mind with constant worry; You unloaded Your mind alone with our Father.

This is something to remember. I don't know when I'll have success again. I don't know when Exodus will start firing on all cylinders and people truly grow and change. I don't know when my classes at school will again bring me the "Teacher of the Year" award. I don't know when my tennis team will jump out to a great start to the season, or have a shot at another Sectional title. I hope all of these successes will come soon and often, for I am a human and desire to see the efforts of my hands become successful.

But whenever the success comes, let me remember: Those are the times when I must run to You with even more passion!

Two Barriers

As I think about the idea from my last post, Lord, stepping forth to love others, that is not a natural attitude for me. It is not natural for me to think of someone else's needs above my own and it is not natural for me to spend a whole lot of time worrying about other people's problems.

I don't mean to say I don't help other people, but I only help other people when they ask for my help. I helped Joel and Jackie paint their house, but only when they asked me to. I helped Bryan clean his garage, but only when asked. I just don't look for the needs of others and take the initiative to ask if they want help.

And that's a kind of passive selfishness. I'm not demanding that everybody look at me and do things my way. I just don't really go out of my way to do things on the behalf of others. I don't involve myself with others if I don't have to. I'm afraid that if I was in the Good Samaritan story I'd be the guy who sees the injured man, and walks on by with a million "good" excuses as to why I couldn't help.

One barrier to loving others is my passive selfishness.

I also think that my passive selfishness is grown from another desire: I'm pretty lazy. I don't want to be doing work after I get home from work. I don't want to go to someone's house and tutor their children after I get done with work. I don't want to drive to Joel and Jackie's and help refinish the bathroom on a Tuesday evening. I don't even want to do the things that have to get done around my house. After work, I'm tired and I'd like to chill out with my son. If I get too involved with others, their might be difficult things for me to deal with in the evenings on a regular basis.

A second barrier to loving others is my laziness.

So these are the things that I need to step out of. They are not terrible, they don't keep me from being nice, but they keep me from being most effective in my faith. Help change these attitudes and outlooks in my heart Lord Jesus. Then I can be most dedicated to You.

Step Forth and Love Others

I often post about the thoughts that are rolling around and colliding inside my head. This short new year, Lord, has seen my thoughts dominated by two topics. The other day I wondered what was on Your mind. Perhaps You have had these two things in mind for me all along.

Again, however, I proceed with caution in declaring these two things. I mean, they are good. So You want us to follow what is good. But are they all You want for me? Do You want less? Am I even hearing You right? What I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't want to declare the two things You've been speaking to my heart about, leave and go pursue them and in that stop listening for Your voice. I believe that You are leading me in paths of righteousness. But I too believe that these paths can be changed if You desire. I want to remain humble and follow You, even if things change.

At Christmas, my parents gave us each a character from the story and challenged us to think about how that character might be related to us in the upcoming year. I've read the story of Joseph several times since then, but nothing has removed the immediate thought that I had when given the figurine.

"Step forth."

This is so frustrating. I haven't known what or how or who or where. I don't know why that sticks with me. What I assume is that I just don't know yet. That You are preparing me for something that has yet to come along.

Secondly, I've been teaching the book of Luke at church. My last teaching focused on Jesus' desire to bring change to others. We're all about change for ourselves, inner change, inner cleansing. But how much do we care when Jesus starts to bring about change in those we are uncomfortable with? Anyways, I have been convicted that I must keep an eye out for others. Truly loving others as the commandment says.

"Love others."

So those thoughts collided today as I began to read the book of Ruth. It's exactly what Ruth does. As her husband and her father-in-law both die, she is faced with a choice. Leave Naomi and go home to her people, leaving Naomi in mourning and a foreign land alone. Or she can choose to love Naomi, love the other, and stay with her in her mourning. To choose to support and be with her. And Ruth chooses to love others.

But Naomi also wants to go back to Bethlehem, her home town. So Ruth again must choose: to follow Naomi, to love Naomi, it is going to mean a journey. But Ruth chooses to step forth. To go on the journey with Naomi.

Ruth steps forth to love others.

I feel... I feel there is something here for me. I don't know what it is for certain. But those themes need to dominate my mind right now. I haven't been the best at following from these times together to the thoughts of my day. But I think I am at least beginning to simplify the noise that is also in my head.

Step forth and love others.

I Want to Want What You Want

What's on Your mind?

I can tell You the myriad of things that I pause to think about on a morning like this in January: the Packers-Cardinals game I missed last night, the computer game I was playing yesterday, resisting the temptation to blow off this conversation for sports news, the warmth of my bed on this cold morning, the papers I have yet to grade for school, the short weekend that also seemed very long, the heaviness of my eyes, the plan for the rest of the day...

I listened to a sermon yesterday on the way home from my brother's. It was on the verse, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." The pure in heart part reminded me of mewithoutYou and Kierkegaard, who have said that purity of heart is to will one thing. To desire one thing. To again quote mewithoutYou, "I have a thousand half loves."

I want to be simple. To want the good that God intends for every situation. But I want so much more out of every situation. To be honest, I am usually purely interested in the result that I intend for every situation. How can I become more pure? How can I want less?

So that's what is on my mind. Trying to find my way into what You intend. So...

What's on Your mind?

Throughout My Day

I have no continuity in my prayers to You right now. I have a hard time remembering what we talked about yesterday in our morning prayer session. There is something going on that makes the morning devotional time feel like a book. I open it, think hard and try to involve myself, then I slam it shut. Then the next time I go to read it, I have to go back a little to remember what was going on, because I haven't thought about it since I left it.

I don't want things to be this way.

So, here's what I'll do today. No morning prayer time. Perhaps this will make me thirst for You throughout my day. We'll try to get together throughout the day. And I want to anchor this "experiment" with some Scripture reading at lunch. Okay, please be with me in this pursuit.

Weighty Things, Mighty Lord

Anything I say to You today must begin with thanks. My boy finally slept through the night. No two hour crying sessions or anything. As a matter of fact, he only cried for 45 minutes when we put him to bed, which is somewhat bearable, because even though we feel bad for him, we were going to be awake anyways. So, since my last couple of encounters with You have been begging You to help with this, I am truly thankful that it has happened. It is answered prayer.

And with that answered prayer, I can move beyond myself. My tiredness often lends to selfishness. When I've been denied rest, I find it hard to bear the lives (or sometimes even company) of others. But You have given me rest, Lord. At least, I got to sleep through a night!

So, the lives of our community always seem a bit heavy. Here's what I mean: There's always somebody struggling with something complicated, big, sad, or stressful. Rarely is our community operating at a point where all are enjoying life at the same time.

What really pains me, Lord, is to see people who have normally been so filled with joy hit a life situation that just stops them in their tracks. The loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the never ending search for Your will in their lives, or at least their perception of what Your will looks like. Currently, I should be praying for, on a regular basis, people dealing with these problems... (number of people in parenthesis)

- depression (2)
- need for work (6)
- loneliness (2)
- significant life changes (2)
- struggles with parenting or the tiredness it brings (8)
- significant addictive battles (3)

And my list is probably small. I have so many questions for You when I type a list like this. Is this the way life has been for everybody? What do I tell these people? How do I comfort them on an individual level? What are my prayers doing (because if I'm being brutally honest, instead of seeing people come out of these situations, I've become more aware of people falling into them)?

But then again, if I'm being brutally honest, do I remember to pray for these problems on a regular basis?

What I'm doing by bringing this up in our time today Lord is simply saying this: these things are important to me. These people are important to me. And rather than moan about the weight of the world and the depression and stress that it brings, I'd like to be part of the relief and restoration. Even if that part is only as an observer.

Is there anything too hard for You, Lord God. Act in these situations. Act in the mighty power that saved the entire nation of Israel, and a whole world from the darkness. Act in that power, on our small behalf. Personally, give me the power of attention to pray and stay at You. That's a fun request, eh?

How to Live in Earth and Bring Some Heaven

This week was a week where I was determined to get things right. Things between You and me. Things with my church. Really get back into a full fledged relationship with You, spend more time communicating with You, turn my thoughts to You throughout my day. Really bring some heaven to my day on a regular basis.

What I'm increasingly finding is that I have to get away from my "earth" in order to experience "heaven," and that's not what I really want at all. In other words, they only times I ever think of You are when I'm removed from the situations of my life. When I'm teaching (even though it's the Bible!) I have difficulty focusing on Your way, on Your person, on following You. And so since I can't focus, I don't always naturally respond like I should. And so increasingly I'm finding that I'm not becoming the person God wants me to be (or at least not as fast as I think that I should).

And so I've tried to start the new year with attention. But the series of events that I am facing right now is making attention so hard, basically because they are sapping my energy, making me sleepy tired and then cranky, forgetful, selfish and angry. When Gideon won't sleep I don't get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that he's been up in the middle of the night. He cries and we can't do anything about it. He was up for more than an hour tonight, but 2:30 last night and a couple hours the night before that. It's draining to not get the amount of sleep that you plan for.

Also at the beginning of this week our shower has been out of commission while it is remodeled. So I've been having to shower at the school, which means giving myself more time in the morning to get there, shower, go pick up Clifton, and then get back to the school. Which again means... less sleep.

Oh, and the kicker to my stress levels? J-term. I'm teaching one class - all day - with no prep periods. None. I have a break for lunch and 15 minutes when the students get some snacks, but otherwise, no breaks. And during those breaks I have to grade or I fall woefully behind. So it is a solid day of grading and being with students, which is fine (I enjoy the teaching and conversation) but exhausting.

So how do I deal with all these things, while living as You would intend? How do I have the attention levels, the energy it takes to have those levels, when at times during the day I don't feel I have the energy to continue to stand up?

So today's devotional thought is a question. Will You be my strength? I've always wanted to declare, "The Lord is my strength and my song / He has become my salvation." Right now, this would be a time where You could give me cause.

Parenting

I'm at a loss right now as to how to parent. Gidster is going on 2 hours of crying now because he doesn't want to go to sleep by himself. Over the Christmas vacation, he had something like 10 straight days of being in the same room at night with us, now I guess he wants that again. So for the last 2 hours it's been, "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy, daddy!" He had stopped while I started writing this, but I think my wife just tried to go cover him up and he wasn't really asleep yet, and so he's started up again. Did I mention that it is 3:40 in the morning?

It's such a dilemma. We've got no shower right now, so I've got to be up at 5:00 in order to have time to go to the school and shower. So right now I'm looking at about 3 hours total of sleep. Well, that is if I can go to sleep with him wailing, which I haven't accomplished in the past 2 hours.

But anyways, the dilemma is that Gideon is scared that we won't come and get him, and he simply wants to be with us. So he will cry unless we are with him. So, if we leave him, it confirms his fear that we aren't coming back for him and he continues to cry. However, if we go and get him it reinforces his tactic of crying to get us to come to him in the middle of the night. And then he learns to do it not just tonight but tomorrow night, and the next night, and the next night, until we finally stop it. So we're just trying to stop it now.

It's a painful experience Lord. I have to wonder how many of these painful experiences in teaching Your people lessons and helping them mature You go through on an every day basis. This is the problem of pain. It sucks, but it teaches.

I'm coming to You now, because I'm going to need some sleep when Gideon is done crying. And I probably won't be able to get up the extra bit early that I normally do in order to ensure our morning time together. So I wanted to make sure not to miss our time alone completely. So instead of 5:00 AM, here I am at 3:45 AM. Not sure how this is going to play out later in school, but I'm hoping that I can keep my eyes open!

Thank You, for Gideon is quiet right now. I pray that You can help us parent him through the 2's. I didn't expect this age to be quite as hard as it has been the past several weeks, and we're trying so hard to make sure we raise a God-honoring child. It's scary to think that your child might be able to walk away from something that is so important. I think this is another amazing thing about You and Your creation of man. You have created us with the ability and capacity to reject You and all that is important. How can You be so brave? If I could have a guarantee that Gideon would serve You, I would take it in a heartbeat. I'm really not interested in freedom, just that Gideon does what is right. But I don't even have that choice. Gideon will be free, and we have to raise him with the ability to deal with that freedom.

It's certainly interesting to look at You through the lens of my parenting experience this morning. Father, guide me to some Scriptures today that bring this up again. I would love to think about this more. Right now I'm losing the ability to stay awake...

Please, 2 hour school delay...

One Resolution

Father God, guide my thoughts this morning, and let me be in Your presence. In Jesus name...

Usually, I've got a solid plan for what I'm going to do during my devotional time with You, Lord. But this year I'm kind of going to be walking on faith. My devotional thought this year is that I want to be with You. The content of this time is much less important than the relational aspect.

That said, I'm trying to give You control of the content. Realizing that as I talk to You, I might realize that certain Scriptures would be helpful to ground my thoughts, that prayers for myself or others might be particularly necessary, or perhaps I will be moved to poetry or some other book. I still need to be attentive, and will need to be mindful of Your Spirit. So be near me.

The new year is a typical time for refocusing, and as hip as I am Lord, I'm not immune to the cultural phenomena that is New Year's resolutions. In fact, my resolutions tend to pile up on top of each other. I'd like to write a book of poetry in 2010, I'd like to focus on becoming a better pastor in 2010, I'd like to get back to posting daily at the tennis blog, I'd like to step forth on my faith this year, I'd like to be content with only one of all things...

The other day I listened to a sermon by Shane Hipps, in which he talked about footwashing. I realized that Peter represented the two common reactions to You. First, he did not want his feet washed at all. He denied the intimacy, the service from others, the chance for transformation. He would not be vulnerable and commit. I can be like that at times. However, more often I am the second reaction from Peter.

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

When I realize that I can be a part of You, that I can take a place in the long story of Your interaction with the world, I want it to be over the top. I want to change my church, my tennis team, my family, my classes, myself... and I dive in all at once. Then I get tired.

Of couple of weeks ago, I heard Herman Edwards speaking on ESPN radio. He was talking about how he would talk to his rookies about the stuff that money can buy since most of them had just become millionaires and could buy a lot of stuff. He would tell them, "Get yourself one of everything. One big house, one beautiful car, one wife/girlfriend, one piece of bling, etc." I think that is really sound advice.

Spiritually for me, I need to have just one goal to focus on. One thing. Or at least one thing at a time. And perhaps that theme of one should flow throughout my life. One helping at dinner time, one time to exercise in my day, one hour to play with my son alone (meaning without the TV in the background), one hour with You every morning.

It's something to think about isn't it? All I know is that I cannot spread my mind across the gamut of all there is to You. You are too immense and cause too much transformation, if I go in all directions at once, I fear I won't go in any one direction well. And it is me to want to do one thing well rather to do all things.

I'll leave the all things to You, considering You do them perfectly.

Continue to meet me in this time Lord, as today I pray in Jesus name, amen.