The Nature of Worry

1 Samuel

As I read the pages of 1 Samuel, I see David and Saul in this continual dance of distrust, unease, fear and worry. But the one who really seems to worry and be confused is Saul. He fears that David is trying to take the kingdom from him, he fears that David will in fact rebel and kill him, though David twice shows that he is unwilling to take the king's life.

In short, Saul worries over irrational fears. And those irrational fears fly in the face of his actual experience, but what drives them anyways is his self interest, his desire and obsession of holding onto "what is his."

Isn't that true of my worries too, Lord? Most damaging worry is motivated by self-interest. I worry about not having my obligations completed, I worry about looking like a fool when I lead a networking session at the conference, I worry about having a terrible sermon because of how it might make me look, I worry about how many people come to church because it might make me look like a failure... but many of these things are irrational. I'm trying to make myself look better. But do any of them affect who I am as a person?

If my networking session had been boring, would I be less of a teacher? If my sermons are choppy and no one likes them, am I being less than faithful to You? If no one comes to church, am I really a failure for stepping out and doing what I believe You called me to?

Instead of worry, perhaps my response should be responsibility to my ability. If I am worried about something, perhaps I should take a deep breath and say, "What is my responsibility in this issue, and am I doing that to the best of my ability?" Any other question, any other thought will probably lead to fear and worry. These questions can lead to trusting You and finding an answer.

If Saul had asked these questions about David, he would have found that his responsibility was to fairly rule the kingdom and lead the people toward You, and could have focused in on that. But instead he went about chasing David, who was never threatening him in the first place.

Don't let me chase my fears Lord, but let me be focused on my responsibilities.

Planning and Alloting

It's difficult for me to get into a worshipping mood, even a prayerful mood, following the book of Joshua. Today's reading it wasn't violent, it was just... boring, allotment of land. Now, trust me, I believe that I'm not the person who needs to be entertained all the time. But, I'll admit that my Bible reading goes a lot better when there is some action.

My life has plenty of action right now, plenty of plans that need to be made, and I'm already quite tired of them. I tell you the truth, planning is not my forte. I wish my wife could take some of those duties off my plate. Just this week I need to plan or help plan all my lessons, concession stand duty for tonight, tennis open court tomorrow morning, a two Chapel series on sexuality, this Sunday's Exodus service, and next week's Spiritual Life Week at Bethany. God help me not become overwhelmed. God help me to get things done. God grant me some peace in the planning.

My heart tugs me to work on some more creative elements. I want to work on poetry, I want to design Bethany tennis gear (although I'm realizing design is better left to Bryan), I want to put time into some more narrative study of the Bible. These all seem like good things but they get lost in the time squash. I like the part of Bryan's rule of life that said he was going to take time each week to be creative. I'd like to extend that from a minimum amount of time to like a full day. How awesome would it be to have one day of work a week where I just got to be creative? Make creative lesson plans, write poetry, learn to play the guitar better, keep up the tennis website with interesting graphics and articles.

Yea, I do wish I had time for my wants. But, I know that you are teaching me something about the obligations. About responsibility. And that is important I'm sure. Let me learn from the normal stuff, the allotment of land and the planning of chapels, and in these responsibilities come closer to You.

Life is pretty good. I make it complicated with either sinful actions (lying, lusting, overeating) or by not fulfilling my responsibilities in a timely matter (taking classes for re-certification, not grading papers on time, etc.) I get so tired of all the responsibilities that I have to fulfill, but maybe if I would just complete them immediately, things wouldn't feel so tiring.

Anyways, I didn't want to talk to You today about complaints. I could nitpick my life for hours probably. In fact, even though that wasn't my intent, its what I'm leaning toward now that I'm typing and talking. But I want to steer clear of that, just know that I could use Your help.

Instead, I want to thank You. Sabbath is incredibly wholesome. Last week, while my wife was gone, I busied myself all throughout the weekend and then went to four different gatherings on Sunday. Didn't end up feeling like a Sabbath at all as I went from party to party with no rest. Then this weekend, we had the church gathering and then were home by 12:40. The rest of the day was beautiful. I played with my son, I held him while he took a nap, I cuddled with my wife, we watched some football (although I couldn't keep the wife from constantly changing the channel!), we made some breakfast for dinner, talked to my sister on the phone, went to bed early and Gideon basically slept through the night. It was good!

It days like that, I begin to realize what peace is. And I also guess I see that perhaps I need to simplify. If I want my regular life to be more like my Sabbath, with a balance of work and rest, then I probably do need to have less responsibility. I don't know how that will work though, but I'm trusting You. In the meantime, I'll just keep trying to fulfill all my obligations, and will continue looking forward to the times of Sabbath I can find, stopping and enjoying the beautiful family that You've provided for me.

Thank You Lord.