Even Then I Will Be Confident

Lord, I love the Psalms. The more I read of them, the more beautiful I find them. I think, especially when I am just reading one a day, I find the beauty and the imagery fascinating. It makes them even more prayerful for me, and inspiring.

Today, it's the second week through the Lent readings. So it is Psalm 27 for the second time. And as I read it, several things jumped out to me. First of all, I've been trying this week to treat the people who annoy, challenge, and try to take advantage of me like my family, with love. And of course, as I began to attempt to reach out in love to one student who gets on my nerves, another one made me furious yesterday. Like calm down, take deep breaths furious.

And I feel like I'm at my wit's end with him, so I sent him out in the hall. I calmed down, and then I tried to do my best to love him. Went out of my way to solve the problem that he was bringing up. And he was still indignant and ungrateful after I did so... but isn't that what God's family is all about, didn't Luke 6 say specifically that God is merciful to the ungrateful?

The hard part is to not feel defeated, because that's what I felt like in the end. A push over. Even though I had made the choice to love, I still felt weak. But the Psalm today was all about confidence.

"The Lord is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear?"

"When my enemies and foes attack me... even then I will be confident."

"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord..."

When loving those who don't always respond lovingly toward me, I need to remember these passages You've inspired. Why should I be afraid? I will be confident in my Lord. You give me the support of a merciful Father, so let me see that face, let me feel Your support.

And thank You in advance, because I am confident it will be there!

Lent Begins

I really love the Lenten season. Growing up, our church always celebrated Easter in a big way, cantatas and so on, but I never got the lead up that was Lent. Or maybe I just don't remember it. But the penitence and confession and emptying out that happens during these seven weeks is so valuable.

What is driving me nuts this morning is that I don't get to sit and really take it in. I have to head off to a teacher's meeting in about 5-10 min. That doesn't really give me time to process You. And despite all my attempts over the past several months, I still haven't really figured out how to turn my every day work (Bible teaching, for goodness sake!) into a way to cultivate our relationship. It's like a switch gets turned, and I am just going through the routine of the school day.

For Lent, I am going to try to empty myself out to make room for You. We'll see what type of things I need to get rid of, so that I can be filled by You. Speak to me about this, show me when I can be attentive to You.

As I'm making room for You, please take those times to shape me into Your likeness. I've been contemplating the maturity process described in 2 Peter 1:5-8 a lot recently...

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."

How am I maturing in my life and in my Christ-likeness. I have faith. I think that for the most part I am concerned with the good. I am always hungry for knowledge. Do I have self-control? And if I do, I know that I need perseverance.

Several years ago, I fasted with the goal of gaining self-control. I'm not sure that I ever really learned the lesson of actually controlling my desires. But whether I did or not, I know that I don't persevere very well. About a month ago, I wrote on the tennis blog how I have to be affirm to continue to do the right thing, and if no one is telling me I'm doing a good job, and the success of whatever it is isn't evident... well, then I quit. That doesn't sound like perseverance.

So, this Lent is going to be a good one. I am going to praise You. I am looking to add to my knowledge self-control, and maybe to my self-control add perseverance. I know that the situation at Exodus, the weight of the community, always requires that. Let me be a leader who follows You in all that is good.

But I Know I Must Keep Going

It's interesting to me, how I often stumble upon things that are so deep and meaningful among the information that I've looked over hundreds of times. Today as I am sitting here at school preparing for my lesson in Bible class, I see something perfect for me today in the book of James. It's a book that I've taught now for 4 years and it's only 5 chapters, 3 pages long. You'd think I'd have absorbed its information into my life by now.

But no, I must admit like the human I am I always forget. So reading James today I came across these verses at the beginning of the book:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Well, what I was going to "preach" to my Bible class is that any struggle we go through is really a trial. So then I began to think, "What are those struggles in my life?" Certainly, this whole seeking You during Lent has been an odd struggle for me. I've lacked meaning for it. I've tried to escape it. I've complained about it. This morning I realized for as much as I talk about struggle being a good thing, a natural thing, a thing that happens in life, that whenever I face struggle I still feel like You've left me.

So my faith is still very much defined by how well life is going for me, how little I'm sinning, how well prayers are being answered. In short, my faith is still about me.

There is a reason for struggle, it's so that I can mature. Every struggle is a joy, because it is the maturation process growing in me. What does in mean to be a mature Christian? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that you've learned how to deal with struggle the best, or that you have no more struggles. I think it must mean that you've come through the most struggles with your faith still intact, even strengthened.

And this struggle for me, well, it's not intense. It's kind of the continuing dull, medium, abstract type of struggle. Nothing is going wrong in earthly terms, and yet I somehow feel overwhelmed. There is a truth of what I want out of You in this whole process. My will is to have You remove that feeling of overwhelming responsibility. But, going back to the other day, my will does not always equal Your will.

So then my next frustration is knowing what Your will is. Maybe it is as simple as my perseverance through a time that You seem distant. Maybe it is the vigor with which I struggle and fight to find You when it seems You've gone away and hid Your face. I don't know.

But I know I must keep going. I know I must keep seeking. I must allow Your will and Your process to continue out in me. Give me that strength Lord.