Scattered About

Lord God,

Since the new year has started, I've been trying to get my heart into my devotional time more and more. And one of the ways that I've felt like You would speak to me is if I let You guide my devotional time. And so I haven't forced very much structure on my time. I've been loosely reading through the Bible, studying the book of Luke, reading the Psalms, reading "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, typing up prayers and so on and on. But I don't have a structure to my time.

I have had some awesome times of revelation and knowledge during the first month of 2010. Our devotional time at the Exodus retreat was amazing and refreshing. The way that You spoke, the prayers that You gave me, the clarity that I had moving forward. Their have also been great times of study, wonderful insights, and good books that I've read (I'm really happy to be into one of the classic devotional pieces in Brother Lawrence's book!)

But what has been difficult for me over the past year or so is contemplation.

Talking with Bryan yesterday about "Dark Night of the Soul," I realized that St. John of the Cross had it so right when he said that we often enter our devotional time looking for something from You. We want to come away with something new, and so we end up treating our relational time as a consumer. I'm putting in my time now give me what I deserve. But it is supposed to be a relational time.

I guess, to compare it to my marriage, there are times when my wife and I sit down and talk about Gideon, joys or pains in our marriage, practical decisions that have to be made, things like that. When I walk away from those conversations, I feel like something has been accomplished, some decisions have been made. It feels good. It feels like progress. It gives me some direction.

But then there are times when we sit and don't talk, but instead just hold hands and I can watch the snow fall outside. Or times when we snuggle up in bed and rest on a Saturday afternoon during Gideon's nap time. Nothing gets done, but our marriage gets closer.

It's those second kind of times that I don't seem to have the patience for in our relationship Lord. I can't seem to slow myself down for something like that.

And that's where I think structure would maybe help. I'm so scattered about in trying to figure out how to connect with You, that often remains my focus. If there was some structure to my struggling, well... at least that is what I was thinking. I was reading Scott Cairns, "The End of Suffering," last night and he was speaking of his time spent with the monks of Mount Athos in Greece. There he learned to pray the hours, and other prayer rituals meant to help one pray ceaselessly. I longed for that type of structure. I long for prayer to become more real and ceaseless in my life, and thus deepen my relational tie to You.

And I feel a sudden answer to that, ringing clear from Cairns book and from You. I was going to finish my post with the last paragraph, asking You about structure, but I hear a clear sentiment. It fits well with my "Year of Joseph" theme as well - Step Forth and Love Others - and so I think it may be a true leading from You.

If I long for prayer to be real and ceaseless, if I long for structure and intimacy - I must be truly concerned in the suffering of others.

When Success Comes...

I've been studying a lot in Luke lately. I just taught the book to my seventh grade class last semester and we've been going through it section by section, verse by verse at Exodus. So I am preparing for Sunday's sermon and reading the account of Jesus' interaction with a leper in Luke 5.

The account is exactly what I would expect from You. You came into a city, met someone in need of deliverance, and released them from the situation that was holding them back from wholeness. In this case, it is the man's skin disease. There are some remarkable intricacies to this story, some depth that we'll get into on Sunday, but I am struck today by the end of this passage.

After You healed the man, the crowds were over the top about You and Your ministry. Your miracles, Your bold teachings, the authority that You had (nice advantage, being God and man :-), but all of these things were impressing the people. And they wanted on board. So they began to follow and the crowds became larger. You were so successful!

I find, in my times of success, two things happen to me. First of all, I become very busy. There are many people who want to talk to me, many things that I have to do to keep the success going, many people I want to see me because I want them to recognize how successful I am. I get busy.

Secondly, when I am successful I get very nervous. I worry that something will take the success away. I think about tennis last year when we were 10-2, and how much I worried that something could go wrong (something did). The year before when we won the Sectional, the way I worried about whether we would accomplish our goal or not (and we did). I think about Exodus even, when things were going really well at the beginning and people were joining on (the Mahaffas, Tim Vogel, Ben Gooding, the DeMotts - and all of a sudden we had a full house!) I remember we worked so hard and late on sermonizing and preparing on Monday nights (busyness) and I often worried about what people would think of my sermons (worry).

Strange, but I think success is so desired that it causes undue stress to most of the people in this world.

And maybe for You as well, but in this passage You did something pretty cool. Something that I as an introvert really connect with. You withdrew Yourself from the crushing crowds and prayed in "lonely places." You made time to be alone and reconnect with the Father. In success, You didn't try to do so much more, You did less. You didn't load up Your mind with constant worry; You unloaded Your mind alone with our Father.

This is something to remember. I don't know when I'll have success again. I don't know when Exodus will start firing on all cylinders and people truly grow and change. I don't know when my classes at school will again bring me the "Teacher of the Year" award. I don't know when my tennis team will jump out to a great start to the season, or have a shot at another Sectional title. I hope all of these successes will come soon and often, for I am a human and desire to see the efforts of my hands become successful.

But whenever the success comes, let me remember: Those are the times when I must run to You with even more passion!

In the Rustling Grass...

What is amazing to me? That when I turn my attention to You, I can hardly find where you are not. I love this line from the mewithoutYou song, The Sun and the Moon:

"I used to wonder where You are-
these days I can't find where You're not!"

Just at the beginning of this week, I read Psalm 42 more as a plea than a declaration, "When can I meet with God?" Or, even more accurately, "Where can I meet with God?" Sitting here just 3 days later, You are swarming around me. Note to my future self, as you are perhaps re-reading to remember. It started with remembrance of what You had done, it flowed into prayer, it became attention. And now you speak to me everywhere.

This morning, my grandmother gave me some children's CDs that her and grandpa used to keep in the car for us grandkids. Well, I guess I was too old for them, but considering that they still have elementary aged grandchildren now, these CDs have gone through a lot of uses. Anyways, most of the grandkids are upper elementary or middle school now, with two exceptions, and so they handed the CDs over. As Gideon and I listened to them in the van while running errands, I was struck by a song from the "Hymns" album (which is kids singing old hymns!)

"This is my Father's world
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet."

What a simple and strong statement of hope. And there You were, leaping out of the speakers in the Montana and speaking to me again. In fact, the song caught my attention with the line, "In the rustling grass I hear Him pass / He speaks to me everywhere." You have been speaking to me everywhere. And it is not that the song is new. It's not that I've never heard the words before. It seems that I'm just listening with new ears.

Thank You for friends. There is no doubt that my renewal was spearheaded by Bryan's decision to go seek You in the mountains, er, the lakes of Pokagon. I hope that You are making the morning light and the lily white declare Your praise before him this morning. Thank You for the desire that rumbles within us. My greatest prayer is that You come in Spirit and power and fulfill the longing that has been empty.

And I know I need to stay committed as well. The countless short prayers for Bryan, then for Exodus, have now bled into a nice fabric of conversation throughout last night and this morning. It has turned my attention to You. I will soon go about the chores of the day, cleaning and straightening and throwing away. Don't let me lose our conversation. I know I have responsibility in that.

Before I leave this post, let me pray for the day.

Father,
You have been amazing.
You are amazing.
You will be amazing.
Open our eyes to that wonder.
Let that wonder fill our days and actions.
Let Your kingdom come into this world.
Fill us today with Your Spirit, and meet our material needs.
Protect us from the "sinister" as we seek You.
All power and glory and honor to You.
In the name of Christ Jesus,
Amen.

EXC Daily Office: It All Comes Down to Sackcloth

Dear LORD,

There's something about all of the roots that we've gone through so far that I'm noticing. They are all linked to humility in some way. I observed in the great prayers that we read how often the theme of "Your will be done" was weaved into the prayer. In studying Your word, Joel made a great connection to Josiah and reading the word with an attitude of humility and repentance. Now we've moved on to fasting and I find that David has prostrated himself before you in petition with sackcloth and fasting. David practices the root of fasting in order to become humble before you.

Picking up on what I said yesterday, it seems that the most fundamental idol to all of us is us. From the beginning of humanity, we have wanted to be God. Biblical worship of You seems to be centered on one key concept, reminding ourselves that You are God and we are not. Whether that is through prayer ("Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.") or through our attitude as we approach the text, or through the discipline of fasting, the whole point seems to be to remind us of our place in the Really Real Reality.

Yesterday, after contemplating Your awesome nature of giving and loving, I tried to remind myself to do that the rest of the day to others around me. It was amazing how easy it became to be selfish. Simple things, like giving my time to Gideon instead of sitting at the computer reading blogs, that was difficult. Or giving help to my wife as she was cleaning dishes when Bryan and I got back from the Brew (which I didn't do). I realize that I cannot be You. I cannot give and love fully, with all my being all the time. But You can.

I need to start everyday by listening to the song with the chorus "Oh my God, I am not, but You are." It seems fundamental to Biblical worship. I really just want to take some time and tell You that. I am not anything, but You work through me. Therefore, my focus must change on many things. As we struggle with community at Exodus, the question is not how we (or I) change the format, but instead how will You work to bring community to Exodus? How will You work in the hearts of everyone or individuals? How can I support that?

I can start with prayer. Andy is always encouraging us as pastors to be praying about things at Exodus. I love that. It's nice to have a word of reminder to enter into conversation with You. Because the conversation must be started. I must take time to ask and to listen. Hasn't that been what these "roots" have been about?

So, my LORD, You are.

EXC Daily Office: Far Be It From You

Genesis 18

LORD, this week we've begun to seek You and Your face for the sake of others.  So our readings are following that pattern.  Of course, we had to start with Abraham arguing You down about the city of Sodom and Gomorrah.  

It's a brilliant story, with Abraham being both ballsy and compassionate, two things that don't go together very often to make up a modern man.  In the flesh, he approaches You with a disagreement and an appeal to save a people that he really doesn't know well.  I mean, his nephew Lot is down near the people, but other than that, what is his investment in these people.

Which leads me to one observation: Abraham's prayer is compassionate first of all.  Despite the evil of the city, Abraham is looking for the people's good.  Several weeks ago, LORD, I wrote about the book of James, and how Godly wisdom begins with being pure.  Purity then, I remembered, is wanting the good of eveyone in every situation.  Abraham is a man of wisdom, his purity shown through his concern for the people of the evil city.

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I've been trying to finish this thought all day.  From the last paragraph to this one, 16 hours have passed.  Something or someone doesn't want me to finish this post.  There is something powerful that I am about to uncover, or something.  I'm not sure what is going on.

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Okay, so the next thing I was going onto in my thoughts, was that Abraham's prayer is not only for the good of the people, but it is based on Your very character.  I can safely say that I never blatantly pray based on Your character.  I usually just hope that You want to do what I want You to do.  But Abraham challenges You.  "Far be it from you..." to act differently than Your character.

How does Your character play into my prayer situations?  This might be a really good question to pose.  So, looking at the Exodus prayer list:

1. God of relationship and presence, far be it from You to withhold Your Spirit from our community as we seek You in discipline together.

2. LORD, You of Your trinitarian community, continually loving and giving, caring and providing; far be it from You to leave Kim lonely at camp, or to not provide for her in the transition from college to home.

And on and on... sorry, I don't want to reveal all of the problems and such of our community.

But as I continue praying, I have learned something else.  Sometimes, I feel cannot appeal to an aspect of Your character because the problem is obviously with me. But there is no such request really, even if I am at fault.  When I have a request that I should do something about, I should do something about it but I am also falling on Your mercy.

Your mercy is something that I just, I haven't contemplated enough.  I mean really, we come to You with some ridiculous requests at times.  And yet, you listen to us and often You provide.  Like a good parent, You take our requests seriously, even if there things that we can (and should) do ourselves.  I don't think that takes away our responsibility, but it You are working in areas that You don't need to be.  Problems we've gotten ourselves into.  Stresses that we take more seriously than we should.  Worries over things that we put in front of You.  And yet, in Your mercy, you listen.  And often provide.

Lord of mercy, far be it from You to put off our requests.  As we come to You this week, hear and act.  In the name of Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit, amen.

EXC Daily Office: I Am a Sinner

Luke 18:9-14

So, right now I'm reading about this passage in Eugene Peterson's new book Tell It Slant. So I can't help but noticing what he points out right away: Both of these men in the story are sinners. You were telling a story about two sinners, the problem is that one didn't believe that they were, and exulted himself instead.

How does that speak to me? Well, I have a tendency to get comfortable in my Christian life. I have times when I am not blatantly sinning, You know, no real lust, lying, or anything else. During those times, I can easily begin to believe that things are great, that sin is conquered and then I get lazy. I get lazy, lusty, and lying as my pride pulls me down.

So, maybe the thing that I need to realize in the story of the tax collector, is that it is important to look for your own sin. Perhaps even when it's hiding. Perhaps, or especially, when that sin is pride. And then, in a true confessional way, say the words: I am a sinner.

There's something freeing in those words. Like I don't have to attain salvation and perfection for myself. Instead, I am a sinner and thus must ride on Your strength. A strange phrase to find comfort in, but the truth ends up comforting in the end, doesn't it?

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a sinner. I can easily begin to confess to You specific sins, but I feel I need to define myself beneath Your majestic presence. I am not god, I am a sinner. No matter how well my day goes, no matter how many times I pray, I am a sinner. I love the freedom in that, I love the comfort of knowing that You must take care of me.

Too often I do not throw myself on Your mercy, because I never see my need. Today, make me aware of my need. Reveal dark corners of my soul, where I rarely shine the light of reflection. There are truths about me that I am ashamed to face, but if I do not open them up, am I any better than the Pharisee who can't see his own pride? No. I am not any better than him. The truth is, he is a sinner just as I am a sinner.

So, LORD, have mercy on me.

EXC Daily Office: Words Without Knowledge

Exodus Community Daily Office: Job 38-41

LORD, before I begin my personal study and devotion this morning, let me pray for my fellow "congregants" at Exodus.  We are striving to deepen our roots, and I pray that you will allow us to "eat the fruits of our labor."  Bless this time and fill us with Your Spirit, as we seek to build our passion for You.

My Monday Prayer:

LORD God, I seek You for answers to my problems so often.  Daily I come to you in stress, discomfort, worry, sadness, anger or hopelessness.  And daily You listen, and most days provide an answer.  In the days that You would have me wait, or change, or I don't understand clearly, I become angry and impatient.  I can find myself at odds with You.

But LORD, if You were to question me, I would have no answer.  I cannot tell You how the foundations of the earth were laid, though many would like to try.  I cannot tell You how the cornerstone of the universe was placed.  I only have a vast wonderment with the depth and span of creation, and the awesome power of You, the Creator.

When I come to You with words without knowledge, remind me of who You are.  As we at Exodus undertake a quest for transformation and re-creation, speak to us of Your mighty creative power.  You who give orders to the dawn, You who knows the way to the abode of light, You who fathers the rain, You of immense majesty... You who are our Father.  All that is in and around me finds its life in You.  We have not done or known anything worth this blessing, so it is now that we bow in thanks.

To You or LORD, in the redemptive name of Christ, through the mystery of the Spirit, I pray.  Amen.

Ash Wednesday

Psalm 22 is just an excellent way to start the Lent season. I feel as if I've been grasping for You all month, and coming up with air. I love this part of the psalm:

"I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.
My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death."

Of course, that is strong poetic language to me. I don't actually feel crushed in the dust of death right now. But the poured out seems about right. The passion of my heart being melted away sounds about right. My strength being dried up. Well, it all sounds like where I'm at.

The difficulty has been many fold. I think all the planning and preparing for Exodus has just ground me down. There are ways of doing and thinking that just don't seem to come together. There are people with different ideas of where we should go and instead of seeking You about this, I just get stressed.

Okay, so there's my confession. I have a hard time seeking You with any of the challenges that are on my plate. And so, yea, I'm going to become overwhelmed. Yea, I'm never going to feel like I'm being poured back into if I'm counting on others to do all the pouring. I have to count on You.

Not to say that I won't sometimes be disappointed with You too. But right now, I'm far away and I haven't really even been trying. I've been going through the motions, sure, but that doesn't classify as really trying does it? I haven't been seeking to be honest, I haven't been asking others for prayer, and until recently, I haven't been praying myself.

I could go into a whole long speech about how that has to happen. But I'm not. I'm going to stop writing and pray. Be with me today Lord. As I continue to confess, allow me to also remember to praise. You are great and You are present.

A Theology of Waiting: Day Fifteen

I often have difficulty right now sitting down and praying. When I start praying the list of things that I need to pray for seems overwhelming, and so I get through praying for Courtney and Gideon and then I simply stop. Sometimes I get started on the next topic of prayer, which is intermittently Exodus or my brother or sister or her boyfriend, or some random events at school, or tennis, or whatever... but rarely do I spend a significant amount of time in prayer.

And I know that prayer is not all about time. I know that we can offer short little prayers throughout the day. I know that prayer can be an attitude, an awareness, a .searching for Your presence and recognizing Your work. I suppose that is what this blog is, what I'm trying to do with these words and in these early mornings.

But intercessory prayer, I lack that ability to truly keep things things before on the behalf of others. I mean, really I lack that ability for myself too. I really admire parents who say they have prayed every day for the future path of their son or daughter. While I'm really concerned and trying to help guide Gideon the best that I can, I certainly haven't prayed for him even everyday. Some people will get real specific even and pray for the spouse of their child even when their child is young. I can't do that. I can't remember that many things.

The only success I've ever had with prayer was making a list. During tennis season, I made a list of all the players on my team and what I felt I needed to pray for them for. Then I would try everyday to go through that list. I didn't always make it through, but more often than not I remembered. In college I also made a list my senior year of all the things I needed to pray for each night on the side margins of my journal. Then I would pray through all of those side margins.

I need to make a list. I'm afraid it would become overwhelming, but I still need to make a list. It allows me to remember to pray at least. It will be constantly growing, constantly changing, but that will allow me to see even better how You are working in the lives of those around me.

As I think about waiting, prayer seems like one of those things I can control. Help me to do so with more regularity.

Cry for Mercy

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."
- Job 9:15

Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.

I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy on us.

A Prayer for Solitude

Lord God, my Father and Sustainer...

In the summer we drift,
more accurately, I drift.
In a busyness season,
I am surrounded with
those I love and those
I am obligated to.
Weddings and camps,
anniversaries and baby-sitting,
late nights because I can sleep in,
difficulty getting up because I
sleep next to the most beautiful
women you've yet made.
I've stayed interested,
but I've wandering commitment.
When I'm in rhythm,
You fit into all the cracks,
You fill the freedom of Gideon's naps,
the preps when I relax.
When I'm out of practice,
I'd rather read about You.
I'd rather long to be with You
than actually be with You.
So, Lord of Renewal,
what can renew? I'm now
allowing myself to desire to,
where can I find You?
Draw me away for some time,
allow me peace where inside
I find a drink under this summer,
the refreshment of loneliness.

Blocked Prayer

Yesterday morning after I finished typing here I began to have a conversation with God. I was especially concerned about Bryan and his job, but as soon as I tried to pray about it I felt distracted. Started thinking about school, worries, sports, whatever. It was important to me so I tried to refocus and yet, I couldn't bring myself to actually pray about what was going on without becoming distracted.

It was then that I realized. There are other spiritual forces at play in the world other than God who would rather that I didn't pray for Bryan. Who are here to destroy goodness. That is a thought that weirds me out when I'm honest, but that I also know that the Bible treats these other spirits very seriously. Why else did Jesus go around throwing out demons? They're real, I just don't like to acknowledge any sort of other spiritual presence.

In Jesus name, I was able to pray through that yesterday. But again today, prayer about certain things seemed blocked. Makes me wonder where all there are significant power struggles of spiritual forces and I am unawares. It's a scary thought.

Lord Jesus, as I continue to converse with You throughout the day, show me these blockades that need to be dragged down. Where do they exist? I praise You for fully answering and working in situations I prayed about yesterday, with Bryan particularly. I always want Your praise to be quick to my tongue so that I do not forget the wonder You do around me every single day.

Walk with me today I pray. Amen.

Discipline

When we have the freedom to do anything we often sit around and do nothing. That's why we limit ourselves purposefully into some sort of discipline. Whether it be an exercise routine, a diet, or a Bible-in-a-year reading plan, discipline gives us structure. It takes away the "bigness" of freedom, and allows us to move somewhere.

So for the past 6 months I've been stuck in bigness. I finished my Bible-in-a-year plan and didn't want to simply repeat it because I thought I could do something else. I should have repeated it. In allowing myself the freedom to do something else, I then had to define what that something else was. And in that there is a lot of freedom. And I got lost in it.

So, new discipline for a new year right? Shouldn't be ashamed that I'm trying to do the exact same thing as people all across the nation, get myself into a more healthy routine. Of course, the difference is that my routine needs to be time with You. So back to the Bible-in-a-year plan. Maybe back to blogging, if that helps my routine, but no promises. Because discipline isn't about what I should produce (i.e. brilliant thoughts to wow anyone who stumbles onto my blog) and discipline isn't about enjoyment (i.e. sudden epiphanies and tingling spiritual closeness). Although those things will happen sometimes, they can't be the goal.

The goal is You, everyday entering my life, in the ordinary practice of reading and prayer. Start today Lord.

My Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Today, I have committed myself to some true time in prayer with You. So I am going to offer up my thoughts and concerns and then wait silently for You to answer me in some way. Though I am frustrated at the fact that our relationship doesn't seem to be on the same plane as it has been, I am not going to be the one to abandon what is right. And in that I know that You will be the one to come back and embrace me, because I am convinced that it is Your will to be known and loved. And I still love You, so much that I want to hear from You.

My prayer is simple. I want to be fully connected with You and aware of opportunities to live in "The Way of the Lord" everyday. I want the courage to see the uncomfortable places that I might need to help bring Your love to and the strength, belief, and courage again to do it.

And Lord, I pray the same for my community. Starting with my wife, extending through Exodus Community, even to the students that I teach each day. What would a community with courage look like? What could they do? How do I lead without fear myself? I need to speak the truth. It's time for us to do something uncomfortable. Help us to not let fear hold us back.

These are my big concerns. Of course, I could go through situations that I want You to be working in specifically, whether it be sickness within our community, Gideon growing healthily, Courtney finding a part-time job she enjoys, our community honestly facing its problems, our community honestly embracing the potential we have, my basketball team, my students, the tragedies that often surround any group of people. But I have faith that You are working in these specifics.

So let's attack some big things in prayer today Lord. Some big things that I'm going to constantly bring before You for this week (and probably on). Please work on removing the fear from our community. It's insidious, and it has crept in all over the place. Let people see it for what it is, give it up to You, and move on.

Secondly Lord, go after distractions. We are being pulled away from You in so many circumstances. Stop them. Allow us at least some consistent time to be focused. For me it is too much time spent at basketball, thinking about school, and just plain being tired. Give me the energy and the time.

I feel like this is a blabbering prayer God. I'm not sure how focused it was in and of itself. I know You hear it though. Accept it. Be pleased at my efforts to connect and show Yourself to me. Because I love You, I don't want to just leave You here for the day. Go with me. Lead me. Speak to me that You may speak through me.

For I always pray through Christ's name,
Amen.

Standing Between God and Man

So, Sunday at Exodus Community was "Kingdom of Priests" day, in which we were trying to stress the importance of every believer to be a priest to the community surrounding them. And the basic job of the priest is to be one who stands between God and man.

So, I've got this idea that I need to do that. It's funny though, because as I start to go to You with the concerns for others that I have, I realize that their are only a select few in my community that I know really well. It makes me feel bad at relationships, and I realize that something I have to come before with is to improve my people skills, my conversation skills, my noticing of others, and my emptying of myself.

What do I need to stand in for those in Exodus Community? Why are they seeking You today? What should they be seeking You for? What do You want them to know? What do You want us to do?

On Sunday I talked to the group about Moses running up and down the mountain, to talk to the people and to talk to You. You kept calling him up and then sending him down to tell the people something new. Sometimes I feel like I'm running up and down the mountain because I can't remember everything that's going on. For example, I'll pray for Gideon and Courtney, then for Joel's message, and then for the Community in general, and then "Amen." I start getting on to whatever I have to do next and then I'm like, "Oh yeah, Kim needs prayer for her class." Then I start to pray for that and end. Then I remember that we should also pray for the covenant agreement we're preparing, and for the worship, and for Courtney's job. Then my brain moves outside the Community to the rest of my community: my students, my sisters and brother, friends from college, tennis players, etc.

How do you be a priest for the people you know? I'm working on that. What's the result of being a priest for the people you know? Overwhelming tiredness seems to be the answer right now. The amazing thing is that You've already prepared an answer for that. "And My Presece will go with you, and I will give you rest." That's Exodus 33:14, a great verse. Maybe I should make that my "life verse." As we try to be standing between You and others, taking their concerns, sins, problems, even joys before You, we are emptying ourselves out and getting worn thin. You, LORD God, You must go with us and allow us to rest.

LORD, of work and of rest,
Let us stand before You in blessing,
Let us go from You to deliver blessing,
And let us return again to find rest.
In the name of the Father, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit,
Amen.

A Bit Overwhelmed

I love to teach. I love to teach Your word. But I am really nervous tonight for speaking tomorrow. You've given some wonderful insight on the Exodus 4 passage to our teaching group. It's fun, it's witty, it's probably my favorite little piece of Scripture. But it's kind of scary to try to show everyone else that.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess, I just want to give all control of tomorrow to You. We've had a great week together and I would love for it to end with a great big smile on my face after Sunday. And I want that smile to be because we've all heard from and worshipped You together.

So I am a bit overwhlelmed, but You are with me. As long as You are there tomorrow, I'll be okay.

Just make sure that You, Yourself, are with me in my mouth...!

Therefore...

Lord, as I prepare this week to speak to the others in Exodus Community in a sermon for the first time, I want to make sure (well, I guess every time after this I want to make sure to but, well, you know) that what I'm saying is simply what You are saying. Nothing that is meant to just be shocking, nothing that is just meant to rattle people's cages...unless that's what the truth is. I guess I'm saying, help me speak Your truth and nothing else.

I don't mean to be humble. I don't mean this in the way that I pray a prayer for Courtney or I to get a job or better from sickness just because I feel like if I don't pray then You won't let us get a job or feel better. No I pray this because I know only You can take my words and make something greater of them. Without Your Spirit, the words will fall where they will and continuing being just words. But through You, through Christ, the Word lives.

All that to say, I'm studying one word in particular and I want to make sure that I get this word right. It's kind of the title of my sermon, and maybe I was a little premature in naming it, because I'm finding it really means something totally different than I originally thought. It's the word "go" and it's in the context of Matthew 28:19...

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,"

I thought it meant go, like leave where you are and go somewhere else. Not in the sense of, for example, moving from my home to some place else. No, instead, more in the sense of leave what you are doing right now, the lifestyle you are living right now, the people you are always worried about, the self you are always worried about and "go" to many different types of people.

But I looked the verb up in a Greek dictionary. It's the word "poreuqente" in Greek, a form of poreuomai. Poreuomai has this definition, offered up by www.greekbible.com: to pursue the journey on which one has entered, to continue on one's journey.

To continue...to keep doing what you are doing...that seems totally different to me. It seems like a big miss of translation too. I mean, it makes total sense. Instead of going all over the place and making new relationships all over with the goal of making disciples, work within the relationships you already have established, the places you already know, and make disciples there. Teach and show Christ there. Be Christ where you are at, wherever that is on your journey.

It's very thought-provoking stuff to me. I pray that You reveal to me the truth of this translation and its implications as I continue to study. Then let it be as impactful on others as it is becoming for me.

Room to Speak

First of all, let me just say that keeping up a blog, even if it is supposed to be communication between You and me, is hard work. There just doesn't seem to be that much to talk about, even with You.

But this week, ever since studying Scripture with my pastor buddies on Monday night, Your simple (and simply overwhelming) "I am" statement has been just banging around my head. Not in the gentle, "Hum, I wonder..." type of way but in the sledgehammer strong "I demand some answers!" type of thought. Where better to go for answers than some dialogue with You.

(An honest aside: I've come to not really expect straightforward answers from You, but more questions leading me into different trains of thought, provoking more questions...invigorating maybe, but in some sense making things more difficult and confusing in the end. Another thing I've come to notice is that You end up directing me back to some truth that is already present in my life, just not fully developed, appreciated, obeyed or understood.)

(Okay, another honest aside: I've often heard that confession is necessary to kind of clear the air before you have honest discussions with You, God. Well, I've got a couple of confessions to make up for all the time I've not exactly been talking with You. Number one: I've become convinced that You want to be number one in every one's life, and I know that often You've been pushed out of the way lately by many things. Okay, here's the list: pride, sexual sin, sports, laziness, simple distractions, contempt, disinterest. All those things have become more important to me than You. Clear them away. Help me fast from them for awhile, or whatever works. Number two: I still care more about what others think about me than what You want from me.)

But...

You've got to make it clear what You want from me.

I know exactly what pride wants. It wants me to do everything my way and then make sure I get the credit. Or let someone else do everything their way, shirk the blame, and tell everyone how I could have done it better. It happens to me with the tennis program at school. It happens within our Exodus Community gatherings. Point being, it messes with things I really want to succeed. But, I know exactly what to do to be prideful.

Or sexual sin. It wants to be gratified. Whatever way that takes. Making my wife an object, masturbation, pornography, etc. I know that any of these will do. I know exactly what to do.

Or sports. I just need to be involved. Tape the game, talk to people about, visit websites and get the inside scoop. Lose myself into all the minute details of the Chicago Fire, or French Open Championships, or Bethany tennis. I know what it wants.

So what do You want?

Last week on vacation I asked this question, and it seemed that You gave two vague answers.

1. My relationship to You, and to doing Your will, is to be Your servant. To help in the acts that You are already involved in.

2. My job is often to be still and the go fill. That sounds stupid and pragmatic, but I got to admit that it is easy to remember.

Okay, so I guess I do have some answers...but I don't really know how to use them. Okay, I'm supposed to be Your servant. I was so convinced of this that I told everyone in the Exodus Community that that is what we're all supposed to be. And I believe that. I just don't exactly know what it is that we are supposed to serve you in. And be still...okay, just right where I am? Or go down to the dam? Or sit outside? And what am I listening for anyways? Or am I not supposed to listen, just sit and be still and try to think of nothing (which seems literally impossible)? And then fill...wait, what? And specifically, who? And again, once I've got the who, how?

What I know, what I appreciate, is that You are insanely personal. I know You want to work through this with me. And what occurs to me from the "I am" statement is that "You are" working through this with me. Just never as clearly as I may like.

Well, that seemed to be a bunch of madness explaining little. But after having this little piece of honesty with You, I've said my say. All that's been building up in me is out there. So now I'll end this little piece and listen.

I hope You have room to speak.

Why is Prayer Difficult?

Lord, I've had a lot of big things on my plate this month. Exciting news, grading deadlines, the beginning of the Exodus Community gatherings (this Sunday!). The one thing I should be doing is constantly taking these things before You in prayer. The one thing I've been the furthest from doing is taking these things before You in constant prayer.

There's so much that I'd rather do to be "spiritual." I mean to seek You. I'd rather study, gleaning bits of knowledge from the pages of Scripture and the writings of wise interpreters. I'd rather write, for much of my time in the fast and after was spent here blogging my thoughts. I'd rather write poetry, a creative (but often frustrating) way of reaching out. I'd rather teach, and try to bring others to the same points of insight that I've received from You. I'd rather go for a walk, peaceful and relaxed without any real cares.

And those are all ways of worship, but there is something different about prayer. Isn't there?

Like should I be praying in addition to all that? I just keep having this continual sense that maybe we should have a prayer meeting, for prayer only, where we pray for like an hour or two and wait for You to join us. But then that seems really boring, feels like we'd be repeating ourselves, feels like there isn't that much important to be prayed for.

Well, maybe there is the rub. Maybe we're not just supposed to pray about important things. I've often heard it said that we supposed to bring everything to the Lord in prayer. But like, just an example here, I can handle my sleeping by myself. Or my eating (I'm really lax at praying before I eat, especially lunch). It just doesn't seem important enough to pray.

I suppose, and I say this with a long sigh, that prayer is another practice. Something that I must do if I want to better at it, if I want it to become more meaningful. I guess I just don't want to go through the work that ends up making it a joy. I just want it to be a joy right now. Like my Scripture time, or my poetry, or my teaching.

Today Lord, may You make prayer a joy for me. May You talk with me as in the garden, may You walk with me in my un-important tasks, and may I remember that You are always there.