In the Rustling Grass...

What is amazing to me? That when I turn my attention to You, I can hardly find where you are not. I love this line from the mewithoutYou song, The Sun and the Moon:

"I used to wonder where You are-
these days I can't find where You're not!"

Just at the beginning of this week, I read Psalm 42 more as a plea than a declaration, "When can I meet with God?" Or, even more accurately, "Where can I meet with God?" Sitting here just 3 days later, You are swarming around me. Note to my future self, as you are perhaps re-reading to remember. It started with remembrance of what You had done, it flowed into prayer, it became attention. And now you speak to me everywhere.

This morning, my grandmother gave me some children's CDs that her and grandpa used to keep in the car for us grandkids. Well, I guess I was too old for them, but considering that they still have elementary aged grandchildren now, these CDs have gone through a lot of uses. Anyways, most of the grandkids are upper elementary or middle school now, with two exceptions, and so they handed the CDs over. As Gideon and I listened to them in the van while running errands, I was struck by a song from the "Hymns" album (which is kids singing old hymns!)

"This is my Father's world
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet."

What a simple and strong statement of hope. And there You were, leaping out of the speakers in the Montana and speaking to me again. In fact, the song caught my attention with the line, "In the rustling grass I hear Him pass / He speaks to me everywhere." You have been speaking to me everywhere. And it is not that the song is new. It's not that I've never heard the words before. It seems that I'm just listening with new ears.

Thank You for friends. There is no doubt that my renewal was spearheaded by Bryan's decision to go seek You in the mountains, er, the lakes of Pokagon. I hope that You are making the morning light and the lily white declare Your praise before him this morning. Thank You for the desire that rumbles within us. My greatest prayer is that You come in Spirit and power and fulfill the longing that has been empty.

And I know I need to stay committed as well. The countless short prayers for Bryan, then for Exodus, have now bled into a nice fabric of conversation throughout last night and this morning. It has turned my attention to You. I will soon go about the chores of the day, cleaning and straightening and throwing away. Don't let me lose our conversation. I know I have responsibility in that.

Before I leave this post, let me pray for the day.

Father,
You have been amazing.
You are amazing.
You will be amazing.
Open our eyes to that wonder.
Let that wonder fill our days and actions.
Let Your kingdom come into this world.
Fill us today with Your Spirit, and meet our material needs.
Protect us from the "sinister" as we seek You.
All power and glory and honor to You.
In the name of Christ Jesus,
Amen.

EXC Daily Office: Again

Yesterday's passage dealt with my longing for You. "When can I go and meet with God?" And, brilliantly, "Why are you downcast within me, o my soul?" Nothing could have touched me deeper than that passage, could have described where I am right at this second better than that Scripture. I have longed to be in relationship, spending time, praying, fasting, meditating, studying, etc. When can I go and meet with You? And yet... when I have time I avoid, I seek other projects, I choose sleep, whatever. Why are you downcast and resistant, o my soul? What a paradox.

Today rings back just as deeply. The text from Jeremiah is Your voice, spoken to Your people. "I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will build you up again... Again... you will dance... Again... (you will) enjoy the fruit."

Your love is new. I have experienced this intimacy of relationship before with You. In my fast, in Romania, at Waco Beach, in the early mornings, in my seminary classes last summer, at the birth of my son, when Courtney broke up with me in college... on and on and on. But this everlasting love, it doesn't just dry up. Like the tides, or the waves, it crashes in again and again and again.

Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.

Again You will be with me through my fears at night.

Again You will speak and I will hear my name.

Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.

Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.

Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.

Again You will sit with me through pain.

You have loved me with an everlasting love.

Amen.

EXC Daily Office: Lead With Love

So the other day, I abandoned this to go on a walk with You. And what I realized there is that You would like me to be very much more attentive to my relationships. I need to put ultimate priority in the relationship itself.

I've done a very American thing this winter and summer I'm afraid. I've wanted to quantify my progress in many categories. I actually think that the success of my tennis team last fall started this. Until we won the Sectional, I'd always said that the relationships that I form with my players were the most important thing to me. But then all of a sudden we accomplished something, and my desires shifted.

In line with what I believe about the holistic nature of life, my desires didn't just shift in the tennis realm, but everywhere else as well. The number of people at church began to bother me, the number of times my wife and I were intimate stuck in my head, the number of calories burned at the gym or weight lost from the scale... basically to say that I truly shifted to a state where production was the measure of worth.

I've got to shift back. I've got to measure worth in presence and relationship.

The other day at my grandparents house, my dad shared that several years ago after a sermon he was challenged to think of a life motto, something phrase that he could live by. He thought about it for months and then decided that his motto was: "Just show up." It's something that he definitely embodied, coming to all my high school tennis and basketball matches, something that spoke deeply to me. It occurs to me now that perhaps that was a good way of measuring worth, that he was there. He never judged us on how well we played (though he would offer tips), but instead just enjoyed watching us perform. His simple presence, "just showing up," was really powerful.

Now, I don't want to steal my dad's motto, but I think the principle is so strong. I have got to be available to those who I cherish. That includes You, my wife, my son, my family, my church, my tennis team, my students. And I need to learn to not value them based on their performance, but instead to just value building the friendships, mentorships, and relationships with them.

So, I have to admit, my grandpa thought that it would be a great idea for everyone to have their own life motto. And I nodded and smiled, but inside was thinking that mottos are so trite... blah, blah, blah... (sometimes I'm such a pop culture snob!) Anyways, I didn't put to much serious thought into it. But yesterday, when we were relating, I realized that in many facets of my life I am in a leadership position. From family to church to team to school, I am looked at as a place of leadership. I have struggled with what to do. And suddenly, it came to me, my life's motto!

"Lead With Love."

I love it for many reasons. First of all, it is not about results. It is not about production. It is not "Lead to win," or "Lead to succeed," or "Lead like a champion," or something like that. No. It defines my success as a leader as being about my ability to love. And isn't that what being a leader should be about? Isn't that what Christ did for us? Isn't that what being a husband is supposed to be about?

So that is really helpful, but that isn't the only reason. There's something more subtle.

Lead With.

Such a relationship word, with. Not in front, not dragging the rest along. Not behind, pushing them with my new muscular strength. With. With. With. Walking alongside and through tough times with my family, church, team, and studetnts. Being with them, not talking down to them. Looking for You with them, not lecturing on what I think they should do.

So, I am hoping to be led by this new motto. But I have one request. I cannot "Lead With Love" if I do not "Lead With You." I need our relationship to be strong and alive. Remind me of this every time I start to plan, lead, move, change, direct, coach, teach, preach, sing, instruct, provide, play, whatever. I must be in relationship with You for anything to work. Thank You for revealing and reminding me. Lead me with love, beside me through this path of life. Amen.

EXC Daily Office: No Ifs

The whole premise of the passage today is based on my being apart from You, willingfully moving away from You. If I go up to the heavens, if I make by bed in the depths, etc. No ifs, please, LORD, I want to be where You are. The amazing thing is that You want that too. Yesterday, when I asked what people's responses were to You, Tim wrote that You were awesome and that he couldn't believe the love that was extended to him by You.

I sometimes am cynical. When was the last time I stood in awe of Your love. I think it was probably something to do with Gideon, and the way You have made him. But it hasn't been close enough to me. I shouldn't necessarily have to wait until I feel like You've done something special for me. I should stand in awe of You a lot.

Okay, I don't know what's going on but I am not feeling like blogging. I feel like taking a walk or something. Getting out of this place. I'm going to listen to You, for whatever it is worth. Let's walk. Sorry to all following the blog, probably won't get any clearer here.

EXC Daily Office: What is My Response?

Psalm 139

My first prayer is that Gideon stays asleep long enough for us to talk God. My second is that we can renew the faithful relationship that I preached about on Sunday. It's not that I feel terribly far away, although I've been there, it's that I want the same type of relationship that we had two years ago during my fast.

Back then, I could really say that I felt like You knew me. That You discerned my thoughts. That what was important to You was important to me. That I was making sacrifices for You. That You hemmed me in both behind and before me. What we had was a close, initimate relationship. What we have now feels more obligatory, less personal.

Our relationship reminds me so much of my marriage. At times, Courtney and I are on the same wavelength, on from everything from parenting, to social gatherings, to sex. Other times, I feel like I'm just getting through. We don't see eye to eye, she wants to watch "Housewives of Orange County" and I want to watch the Chicago Fire, and we just sit there on the same couch doing to completely different things. And without thinking, we've grown slightly apart. I mean, it's not bad, we still go to bed together and hold hands and say I love you and kiss goodnight, but, it's not the same. And there seems to be little I can do to control that.

Lately, I've noticed it's the same way with You. My blogs here must be really boring, because they are so cyclical. I'm close to You God, thank You! I'm not close, what is wrong? Draw me back! It is just the ramblings of someone (me) who is hopelessly in need of You. But especially the personal and relational side of You.

But You are with me. I know this. Right now, I need direction. I feel like I'm getting ready for something, being recharged, but I don't know what it is. So my response to You is hesitation. I really don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a bit trapped by obligations (like that of parenting when my wife is at work) but really, I feel like I could be doing many things with my time. I need some direction. And I expect that You are doing something in my life, preparing me for something. I am looking forward to see what comes along next in life and how we will work through it together. I want to be attentive and close to You no matter what I face.

I feel like I just rambled a lot again. Maybe I need to just sit back and listen for awhile. Speak to me, LORD, I love You.

EXC Daily Office: It All Comes Down to Sackcloth

Dear LORD,

There's something about all of the roots that we've gone through so far that I'm noticing. They are all linked to humility in some way. I observed in the great prayers that we read how often the theme of "Your will be done" was weaved into the prayer. In studying Your word, Joel made a great connection to Josiah and reading the word with an attitude of humility and repentance. Now we've moved on to fasting and I find that David has prostrated himself before you in petition with sackcloth and fasting. David practices the root of fasting in order to become humble before you.

Picking up on what I said yesterday, it seems that the most fundamental idol to all of us is us. From the beginning of humanity, we have wanted to be God. Biblical worship of You seems to be centered on one key concept, reminding ourselves that You are God and we are not. Whether that is through prayer ("Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.") or through our attitude as we approach the text, or through the discipline of fasting, the whole point seems to be to remind us of our place in the Really Real Reality.

Yesterday, after contemplating Your awesome nature of giving and loving, I tried to remind myself to do that the rest of the day to others around me. It was amazing how easy it became to be selfish. Simple things, like giving my time to Gideon instead of sitting at the computer reading blogs, that was difficult. Or giving help to my wife as she was cleaning dishes when Bryan and I got back from the Brew (which I didn't do). I realize that I cannot be You. I cannot give and love fully, with all my being all the time. But You can.

I need to start everyday by listening to the song with the chorus "Oh my God, I am not, but You are." It seems fundamental to Biblical worship. I really just want to take some time and tell You that. I am not anything, but You work through me. Therefore, my focus must change on many things. As we struggle with community at Exodus, the question is not how we (or I) change the format, but instead how will You work to bring community to Exodus? How will You work in the hearts of everyone or individuals? How can I support that?

I can start with prayer. Andy is always encouraging us as pastors to be praying about things at Exodus. I love that. It's nice to have a word of reminder to enter into conversation with You. Because the conversation must be started. I must take time to ask and to listen. Hasn't that been what these "roots" have been about?

So, my LORD, You are.

EXC Daily Office: We Don't Want You

Dear LORD,

I know that many of us have made our idols. I know that there are various reasons for it. Your way in this world is difficult, and not because it makes life uncomfortable or unfulfilling, but instead because it is not accepted by everyone else. If I truly want to live according to Your priorities, many people would think I was crazy, including my wife, family and perhaps, many in my church.

You are characterized by giving. Within Your triune nature, You give and love between all. It's as if at the core of the universe is a generous and loving power. Well, not as if, it is that way. But the anti-christ aspect in me is my love of acquistion. I want to gain instead of give. I want beautiful experiences, bigger musces, lots of success and more knowledge. I want to have these things. I want to keep these things. All of these things can become my idols.

One big area I'm concerned about right now is how easily we will trade You for success, immediate success and celebration that is. In the daily office passage today, Moses is gone for awhile and the people get restless. So they seek to fill their needs (spiritual) with a golden calf, much more readily available in their perception than You are. In fact, when You tried to meet them they asked You to stay away. How true is Jesus' story in Luke, about the people who did not like their king. We do not want You.

So that's the problem. You want us, we don't want You. We want a million different things, but they are not You. And to make this more personal, I do not want You. What else is there for me to do? Well I want a million different things as well. I want the church to succeed and to transform the lives of the members. And while that is all well and good, it is not wanting You. I want to spend time with my wife and my son and strengthen those relationships. But that is not wanting You. I want to see and contribute to my tennis team's successs. But that is not wanting You. I want to eat really good food and lots of it but somehow work out hard enough to burn that weight off and be skinny and sexy. But that is not wanting You.

You are loving and giving, giving and loving. Can I want that? Oh LORD, I pray that You can give me the desires of my heart. Give me the desires of Your heart. And breathe that into all of Exodus.

Hear my prayer, excellent God.