Last week ended very well, and the weekend was fantastic. Thank You for that.
Right now, I'm facing a challenge that seems to come and go throughout my life. It's not a bad thing, and I'm not complaining. What I'm saying is come help me deal with this. Throughout my everyday life, I've got things that I'm responsible for. And I want them to go well. Classes, tennis, Exodus, a marriage, a family, things like these. I don't think there is any way in which success in these areas is a bad thing.
But sometimes, my desire for success in these areas takes me away from You. For example, this weekend my wife and I got away. Went up to Michigan, stayed at a Bed and Breakfast, enjoyed one another's company and relaxed. It was a really great weekend to focus on the relationship that we have with one another, and it went really well. But I didn't focus on my relationship with You very well.
I can hear Your answer loud and clear, and it would have been awesome to have this conversation before I went away with my wife. Integrate You into these other desires. When focusing on my wife, we probably both could have focused on You. It would have sharpened our connection with one another even more. I mean, we prayed together, but think about what couples devotions or even just talking about our relationships with You would have done to bring us closer.
Of course, You are kind of an awkward topic to just bring up. And if things aren't going well, or one of us is feeling distant from You then... it is really hard to talk about. And that's with my wife. What happens when I try to integrate You into the tennis team, and no one cares.
But I know how You work. I've seen it before. If I ask You to be there, You will be there. You are always looking to be with us, make Yourself known. You are scary powerful, and so I pray that You enter these situations and show us Your favor. But right now, before I forget or do anything else, I want You to be the focus of these specific desires of mine, these areas of my life. I want them to be all for You, and then You can define what success means within them as You work among us.
1. My marriage.
2. My family.
3. Exodus.
4. Bethany Christian Tennis.
5. My classes.
Be the center of each of those areas. Be my affirmation and my end goal. Take these things of my life and "let them be ever, only, all for Thee."
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Monday, March 8, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Scattered About
Lord God,
Since the new year has started, I've been trying to get my heart into my devotional time more and more. And one of the ways that I've felt like You would speak to me is if I let You guide my devotional time. And so I haven't forced very much structure on my time. I've been loosely reading through the Bible, studying the book of Luke, reading the Psalms, reading "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, typing up prayers and so on and on. But I don't have a structure to my time.
I have had some awesome times of revelation and knowledge during the first month of 2010. Our devotional time at the Exodus retreat was amazing and refreshing. The way that You spoke, the prayers that You gave me, the clarity that I had moving forward. Their have also been great times of study, wonderful insights, and good books that I've read (I'm really happy to be into one of the classic devotional pieces in Brother Lawrence's book!)
But what has been difficult for me over the past year or so is contemplation.
Talking with Bryan yesterday about "Dark Night of the Soul," I realized that St. John of the Cross had it so right when he said that we often enter our devotional time looking for something from You. We want to come away with something new, and so we end up treating our relational time as a consumer. I'm putting in my time now give me what I deserve. But it is supposed to be a relational time.
I guess, to compare it to my marriage, there are times when my wife and I sit down and talk about Gideon, joys or pains in our marriage, practical decisions that have to be made, things like that. When I walk away from those conversations, I feel like something has been accomplished, some decisions have been made. It feels good. It feels like progress. It gives me some direction.
But then there are times when we sit and don't talk, but instead just hold hands and I can watch the snow fall outside. Or times when we snuggle up in bed and rest on a Saturday afternoon during Gideon's nap time. Nothing gets done, but our marriage gets closer.
It's those second kind of times that I don't seem to have the patience for in our relationship Lord. I can't seem to slow myself down for something like that.
And that's where I think structure would maybe help. I'm so scattered about in trying to figure out how to connect with You, that often remains my focus. If there was some structure to my struggling, well... at least that is what I was thinking. I was reading Scott Cairns, "The End of Suffering," last night and he was speaking of his time spent with the monks of Mount Athos in Greece. There he learned to pray the hours, and other prayer rituals meant to help one pray ceaselessly. I longed for that type of structure. I long for prayer to become more real and ceaseless in my life, and thus deepen my relational tie to You.
And I feel a sudden answer to that, ringing clear from Cairns book and from You. I was going to finish my post with the last paragraph, asking You about structure, but I hear a clear sentiment. It fits well with my "Year of Joseph" theme as well - Step Forth and Love Others - and so I think it may be a true leading from You.
If I long for prayer to be real and ceaseless, if I long for structure and intimacy - I must be truly concerned in the suffering of others.
Since the new year has started, I've been trying to get my heart into my devotional time more and more. And one of the ways that I've felt like You would speak to me is if I let You guide my devotional time. And so I haven't forced very much structure on my time. I've been loosely reading through the Bible, studying the book of Luke, reading the Psalms, reading "Practicing the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, typing up prayers and so on and on. But I don't have a structure to my time.
I have had some awesome times of revelation and knowledge during the first month of 2010. Our devotional time at the Exodus retreat was amazing and refreshing. The way that You spoke, the prayers that You gave me, the clarity that I had moving forward. Their have also been great times of study, wonderful insights, and good books that I've read (I'm really happy to be into one of the classic devotional pieces in Brother Lawrence's book!)
But what has been difficult for me over the past year or so is contemplation.
Talking with Bryan yesterday about "Dark Night of the Soul," I realized that St. John of the Cross had it so right when he said that we often enter our devotional time looking for something from You. We want to come away with something new, and so we end up treating our relational time as a consumer. I'm putting in my time now give me what I deserve. But it is supposed to be a relational time.
I guess, to compare it to my marriage, there are times when my wife and I sit down and talk about Gideon, joys or pains in our marriage, practical decisions that have to be made, things like that. When I walk away from those conversations, I feel like something has been accomplished, some decisions have been made. It feels good. It feels like progress. It gives me some direction.
But then there are times when we sit and don't talk, but instead just hold hands and I can watch the snow fall outside. Or times when we snuggle up in bed and rest on a Saturday afternoon during Gideon's nap time. Nothing gets done, but our marriage gets closer.
It's those second kind of times that I don't seem to have the patience for in our relationship Lord. I can't seem to slow myself down for something like that.
And that's where I think structure would maybe help. I'm so scattered about in trying to figure out how to connect with You, that often remains my focus. If there was some structure to my struggling, well... at least that is what I was thinking. I was reading Scott Cairns, "The End of Suffering," last night and he was speaking of his time spent with the monks of Mount Athos in Greece. There he learned to pray the hours, and other prayer rituals meant to help one pray ceaselessly. I longed for that type of structure. I long for prayer to become more real and ceaseless in my life, and thus deepen my relational tie to You.
And I feel a sudden answer to that, ringing clear from Cairns book and from You. I was going to finish my post with the last paragraph, asking You about structure, but I hear a clear sentiment. It fits well with my "Year of Joseph" theme as well - Step Forth and Love Others - and so I think it may be a true leading from You.
If I long for prayer to be real and ceaseless, if I long for structure and intimacy - I must be truly concerned in the suffering of others.
Monday, January 4, 2010
One Resolution
Father God, guide my thoughts this morning, and let me be in Your presence. In Jesus name...
Usually, I've got a solid plan for what I'm going to do during my devotional time with You, Lord. But this year I'm kind of going to be walking on faith. My devotional thought this year is that I want to be with You. The content of this time is much less important than the relational aspect.
That said, I'm trying to give You control of the content. Realizing that as I talk to You, I might realize that certain Scriptures would be helpful to ground my thoughts, that prayers for myself or others might be particularly necessary, or perhaps I will be moved to poetry or some other book. I still need to be attentive, and will need to be mindful of Your Spirit. So be near me.
The new year is a typical time for refocusing, and as hip as I am Lord, I'm not immune to the cultural phenomena that is New Year's resolutions. In fact, my resolutions tend to pile up on top of each other. I'd like to write a book of poetry in 2010, I'd like to focus on becoming a better pastor in 2010, I'd like to get back to posting daily at the tennis blog, I'd like to step forth on my faith this year, I'd like to be content with only one of all things...
The other day I listened to a sermon by Shane Hipps, in which he talked about footwashing. I realized that Peter represented the two common reactions to You. First, he did not want his feet washed at all. He denied the intimacy, the service from others, the chance for transformation. He would not be vulnerable and commit. I can be like that at times. However, more often I am the second reaction from Peter.
"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
When I realize that I can be a part of You, that I can take a place in the long story of Your interaction with the world, I want it to be over the top. I want to change my church, my tennis team, my family, my classes, myself... and I dive in all at once. Then I get tired.
Of couple of weeks ago, I heard Herman Edwards speaking on ESPN radio. He was talking about how he would talk to his rookies about the stuff that money can buy since most of them had just become millionaires and could buy a lot of stuff. He would tell them, "Get yourself one of everything. One big house, one beautiful car, one wife/girlfriend, one piece of bling, etc." I think that is really sound advice.
Spiritually for me, I need to have just one goal to focus on. One thing. Or at least one thing at a time. And perhaps that theme of one should flow throughout my life. One helping at dinner time, one time to exercise in my day, one hour to play with my son alone (meaning without the TV in the background), one hour with You every morning.
It's something to think about isn't it? All I know is that I cannot spread my mind across the gamut of all there is to You. You are too immense and cause too much transformation, if I go in all directions at once, I fear I won't go in any one direction well. And it is me to want to do one thing well rather to do all things.
I'll leave the all things to You, considering You do them perfectly.
Continue to meet me in this time Lord, as today I pray in Jesus name, amen.
Usually, I've got a solid plan for what I'm going to do during my devotional time with You, Lord. But this year I'm kind of going to be walking on faith. My devotional thought this year is that I want to be with You. The content of this time is much less important than the relational aspect.
That said, I'm trying to give You control of the content. Realizing that as I talk to You, I might realize that certain Scriptures would be helpful to ground my thoughts, that prayers for myself or others might be particularly necessary, or perhaps I will be moved to poetry or some other book. I still need to be attentive, and will need to be mindful of Your Spirit. So be near me.
The new year is a typical time for refocusing, and as hip as I am Lord, I'm not immune to the cultural phenomena that is New Year's resolutions. In fact, my resolutions tend to pile up on top of each other. I'd like to write a book of poetry in 2010, I'd like to focus on becoming a better pastor in 2010, I'd like to get back to posting daily at the tennis blog, I'd like to step forth on my faith this year, I'd like to be content with only one of all things...
The other day I listened to a sermon by Shane Hipps, in which he talked about footwashing. I realized that Peter represented the two common reactions to You. First, he did not want his feet washed at all. He denied the intimacy, the service from others, the chance for transformation. He would not be vulnerable and commit. I can be like that at times. However, more often I am the second reaction from Peter.
"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"
When I realize that I can be a part of You, that I can take a place in the long story of Your interaction with the world, I want it to be over the top. I want to change my church, my tennis team, my family, my classes, myself... and I dive in all at once. Then I get tired.
Of couple of weeks ago, I heard Herman Edwards speaking on ESPN radio. He was talking about how he would talk to his rookies about the stuff that money can buy since most of them had just become millionaires and could buy a lot of stuff. He would tell them, "Get yourself one of everything. One big house, one beautiful car, one wife/girlfriend, one piece of bling, etc." I think that is really sound advice.
Spiritually for me, I need to have just one goal to focus on. One thing. Or at least one thing at a time. And perhaps that theme of one should flow throughout my life. One helping at dinner time, one time to exercise in my day, one hour to play with my son alone (meaning without the TV in the background), one hour with You every morning.
It's something to think about isn't it? All I know is that I cannot spread my mind across the gamut of all there is to You. You are too immense and cause too much transformation, if I go in all directions at once, I fear I won't go in any one direction well. And it is me to want to do one thing well rather to do all things.
I'll leave the all things to You, considering You do them perfectly.
Continue to meet me in this time Lord, as today I pray in Jesus name, amen.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
EXC Daily Office: Again
Yesterday's passage dealt with my longing for You. "When can I go and meet with God?" And, brilliantly, "Why are you downcast within me, o my soul?" Nothing could have touched me deeper than that passage, could have described where I am right at this second better than that Scripture. I have longed to be in relationship, spending time, praying, fasting, meditating, studying, etc. When can I go and meet with You? And yet... when I have time I avoid, I seek other projects, I choose sleep, whatever. Why are you downcast and resistant, o my soul? What a paradox.
Today rings back just as deeply. The text from Jeremiah is Your voice, spoken to Your people. "I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will build you up again... Again... you will dance... Again... (you will) enjoy the fruit."
Your love is new. I have experienced this intimacy of relationship before with You. In my fast, in Romania, at Waco Beach, in the early mornings, in my seminary classes last summer, at the birth of my son, when Courtney broke up with me in college... on and on and on. But this everlasting love, it doesn't just dry up. Like the tides, or the waves, it crashes in again and again and again.
Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.
Again You will be with me through my fears at night.
Again You will speak and I will hear my name.
Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.
Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.
Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.
Again You will sit with me through pain.
You have loved me with an everlasting love.
Amen.
Today rings back just as deeply. The text from Jeremiah is Your voice, spoken to Your people. "I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will build you up again... Again... you will dance... Again... (you will) enjoy the fruit."
Your love is new. I have experienced this intimacy of relationship before with You. In my fast, in Romania, at Waco Beach, in the early mornings, in my seminary classes last summer, at the birth of my son, when Courtney broke up with me in college... on and on and on. But this everlasting love, it doesn't just dry up. Like the tides, or the waves, it crashes in again and again and again.
Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.
Again You will be with me through my fears at night.
Again You will speak and I will hear my name.
Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.
Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.
Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.
Again You will sit with me through pain.
You have loved me with an everlasting love.
Amen.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
EXC Daily Office: Lead With Love
So the other day, I abandoned this to go on a walk with You. And what I realized there is that You would like me to be very much more attentive to my relationships. I need to put ultimate priority in the relationship itself.
I've done a very American thing this winter and summer I'm afraid. I've wanted to quantify my progress in many categories. I actually think that the success of my tennis team last fall started this. Until we won the Sectional, I'd always said that the relationships that I form with my players were the most important thing to me. But then all of a sudden we accomplished something, and my desires shifted.
In line with what I believe about the holistic nature of life, my desires didn't just shift in the tennis realm, but everywhere else as well. The number of people at church began to bother me, the number of times my wife and I were intimate stuck in my head, the number of calories burned at the gym or weight lost from the scale... basically to say that I truly shifted to a state where production was the measure of worth.
I've got to shift back. I've got to measure worth in presence and relationship.
The other day at my grandparents house, my dad shared that several years ago after a sermon he was challenged to think of a life motto, something phrase that he could live by. He thought about it for months and then decided that his motto was: "Just show up." It's something that he definitely embodied, coming to all my high school tennis and basketball matches, something that spoke deeply to me. It occurs to me now that perhaps that was a good way of measuring worth, that he was there. He never judged us on how well we played (though he would offer tips), but instead just enjoyed watching us perform. His simple presence, "just showing up," was really powerful.
Now, I don't want to steal my dad's motto, but I think the principle is so strong. I have got to be available to those who I cherish. That includes You, my wife, my son, my family, my church, my tennis team, my students. And I need to learn to not value them based on their performance, but instead to just value building the friendships, mentorships, and relationships with them.
So, I have to admit, my grandpa thought that it would be a great idea for everyone to have their own life motto. And I nodded and smiled, but inside was thinking that mottos are so trite... blah, blah, blah... (sometimes I'm such a pop culture snob!) Anyways, I didn't put to much serious thought into it. But yesterday, when we were relating, I realized that in many facets of my life I am in a leadership position. From family to church to team to school, I am looked at as a place of leadership. I have struggled with what to do. And suddenly, it came to me, my life's motto!
"Lead With Love."
I love it for many reasons. First of all, it is not about results. It is not about production. It is not "Lead to win," or "Lead to succeed," or "Lead like a champion," or something like that. No. It defines my success as a leader as being about my ability to love. And isn't that what being a leader should be about? Isn't that what Christ did for us? Isn't that what being a husband is supposed to be about?
So that is really helpful, but that isn't the only reason. There's something more subtle.
Lead With.
Such a relationship word, with. Not in front, not dragging the rest along. Not behind, pushing them with my new muscular strength. With. With. With. Walking alongside and through tough times with my family, church, team, and studetnts. Being with them, not talking down to them. Looking for You with them, not lecturing on what I think they should do.
So, I am hoping to be led by this new motto. But I have one request. I cannot "Lead With Love" if I do not "Lead With You." I need our relationship to be strong and alive. Remind me of this every time I start to plan, lead, move, change, direct, coach, teach, preach, sing, instruct, provide, play, whatever. I must be in relationship with You for anything to work. Thank You for revealing and reminding me. Lead me with love, beside me through this path of life. Amen.
I've done a very American thing this winter and summer I'm afraid. I've wanted to quantify my progress in many categories. I actually think that the success of my tennis team last fall started this. Until we won the Sectional, I'd always said that the relationships that I form with my players were the most important thing to me. But then all of a sudden we accomplished something, and my desires shifted.
In line with what I believe about the holistic nature of life, my desires didn't just shift in the tennis realm, but everywhere else as well. The number of people at church began to bother me, the number of times my wife and I were intimate stuck in my head, the number of calories burned at the gym or weight lost from the scale... basically to say that I truly shifted to a state where production was the measure of worth.
I've got to shift back. I've got to measure worth in presence and relationship.
The other day at my grandparents house, my dad shared that several years ago after a sermon he was challenged to think of a life motto, something phrase that he could live by. He thought about it for months and then decided that his motto was: "Just show up." It's something that he definitely embodied, coming to all my high school tennis and basketball matches, something that spoke deeply to me. It occurs to me now that perhaps that was a good way of measuring worth, that he was there. He never judged us on how well we played (though he would offer tips), but instead just enjoyed watching us perform. His simple presence, "just showing up," was really powerful.
Now, I don't want to steal my dad's motto, but I think the principle is so strong. I have got to be available to those who I cherish. That includes You, my wife, my son, my family, my church, my tennis team, my students. And I need to learn to not value them based on their performance, but instead to just value building the friendships, mentorships, and relationships with them.
So, I have to admit, my grandpa thought that it would be a great idea for everyone to have their own life motto. And I nodded and smiled, but inside was thinking that mottos are so trite... blah, blah, blah... (sometimes I'm such a pop culture snob!) Anyways, I didn't put to much serious thought into it. But yesterday, when we were relating, I realized that in many facets of my life I am in a leadership position. From family to church to team to school, I am looked at as a place of leadership. I have struggled with what to do. And suddenly, it came to me, my life's motto!
"Lead With Love."
I love it for many reasons. First of all, it is not about results. It is not about production. It is not "Lead to win," or "Lead to succeed," or "Lead like a champion," or something like that. No. It defines my success as a leader as being about my ability to love. And isn't that what being a leader should be about? Isn't that what Christ did for us? Isn't that what being a husband is supposed to be about?
So that is really helpful, but that isn't the only reason. There's something more subtle.
Lead With.
Such a relationship word, with. Not in front, not dragging the rest along. Not behind, pushing them with my new muscular strength. With. With. With. Walking alongside and through tough times with my family, church, team, and studetnts. Being with them, not talking down to them. Looking for You with them, not lecturing on what I think they should do.
So, I am hoping to be led by this new motto. But I have one request. I cannot "Lead With Love" if I do not "Lead With You." I need our relationship to be strong and alive. Remind me of this every time I start to plan, lead, move, change, direct, coach, teach, preach, sing, instruct, provide, play, whatever. I must be in relationship with You for anything to work. Thank You for revealing and reminding me. Lead me with love, beside me through this path of life. Amen.
Monday, July 20, 2009
EXC Daily Office: What is My Response?
Psalm 139
My first prayer is that Gideon stays asleep long enough for us to talk God. My second is that we can renew the faithful relationship that I preached about on Sunday. It's not that I feel terribly far away, although I've been there, it's that I want the same type of relationship that we had two years ago during my fast.
Back then, I could really say that I felt like You knew me. That You discerned my thoughts. That what was important to You was important to me. That I was making sacrifices for You. That You hemmed me in both behind and before me. What we had was a close, initimate relationship. What we have now feels more obligatory, less personal.
Our relationship reminds me so much of my marriage. At times, Courtney and I are on the same wavelength, on from everything from parenting, to social gatherings, to sex. Other times, I feel like I'm just getting through. We don't see eye to eye, she wants to watch "Housewives of Orange County" and I want to watch the Chicago Fire, and we just sit there on the same couch doing to completely different things. And without thinking, we've grown slightly apart. I mean, it's not bad, we still go to bed together and hold hands and say I love you and kiss goodnight, but, it's not the same. And there seems to be little I can do to control that.
Lately, I've noticed it's the same way with You. My blogs here must be really boring, because they are so cyclical. I'm close to You God, thank You! I'm not close, what is wrong? Draw me back! It is just the ramblings of someone (me) who is hopelessly in need of You. But especially the personal and relational side of You.
But You are with me. I know this. Right now, I need direction. I feel like I'm getting ready for something, being recharged, but I don't know what it is. So my response to You is hesitation. I really don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a bit trapped by obligations (like that of parenting when my wife is at work) but really, I feel like I could be doing many things with my time. I need some direction. And I expect that You are doing something in my life, preparing me for something. I am looking forward to see what comes along next in life and how we will work through it together. I want to be attentive and close to You no matter what I face.
I feel like I just rambled a lot again. Maybe I need to just sit back and listen for awhile. Speak to me, LORD, I love You.
My first prayer is that Gideon stays asleep long enough for us to talk God. My second is that we can renew the faithful relationship that I preached about on Sunday. It's not that I feel terribly far away, although I've been there, it's that I want the same type of relationship that we had two years ago during my fast.
Back then, I could really say that I felt like You knew me. That You discerned my thoughts. That what was important to You was important to me. That I was making sacrifices for You. That You hemmed me in both behind and before me. What we had was a close, initimate relationship. What we have now feels more obligatory, less personal.
Our relationship reminds me so much of my marriage. At times, Courtney and I are on the same wavelength, on from everything from parenting, to social gatherings, to sex. Other times, I feel like I'm just getting through. We don't see eye to eye, she wants to watch "Housewives of Orange County" and I want to watch the Chicago Fire, and we just sit there on the same couch doing to completely different things. And without thinking, we've grown slightly apart. I mean, it's not bad, we still go to bed together and hold hands and say I love you and kiss goodnight, but, it's not the same. And there seems to be little I can do to control that.
Lately, I've noticed it's the same way with You. My blogs here must be really boring, because they are so cyclical. I'm close to You God, thank You! I'm not close, what is wrong? Draw me back! It is just the ramblings of someone (me) who is hopelessly in need of You. But especially the personal and relational side of You.
But You are with me. I know this. Right now, I need direction. I feel like I'm getting ready for something, being recharged, but I don't know what it is. So my response to You is hesitation. I really don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a bit trapped by obligations (like that of parenting when my wife is at work) but really, I feel like I could be doing many things with my time. I need some direction. And I expect that You are doing something in my life, preparing me for something. I am looking forward to see what comes along next in life and how we will work through it together. I want to be attentive and close to You no matter what I face.
I feel like I just rambled a lot again. Maybe I need to just sit back and listen for awhile. Speak to me, LORD, I love You.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Lent: Day 22
Lord, it's really difficult to figure out how I'm supposed to follow You and lead others at the same time. It becomes as if every failure, tiring circumstance, difficulty, or busyness comes from You. It's been interesting. This year as I have taught the Bible, I have become less and less interested in studying it... I know that's not the best for having great Bible lessons. I mean, I still read the Bible every morning, but my passion for connecting the narrative, for applying it to my own life, that has died in some ways.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Do and Do, Rule on Rule
"Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule, a little here, a little there."
Hum. Has this become what my faith is to? I just went through at the beginning of the year and instituted a rule of life into my life. Basically my rule has many tiny rules that I try to follow throughout the days and months. Not all of them get accomplished, but it has been a way to bring accountability to my life. Actually, despite the fact that it is do and do, rule on rule, it has been very refreshing.
I wonder then if motivation for the do and do is the problem. In other words, I don't take for granted right now the relationship context of serving You. Everyday I enter the Word and try to be true to pray and sometimes write to You. Perhaps it is when faith becomes completely the doing, and the relationship is left out, that to do and do, rule on rule becomes detrimental.
I've been learning just how much faith is about balance. A balance of knowing and doing, a balance of acting and speaking, a balance of inward reflection and outward activity, a balance of relationship and accountability. It has become obvious that going to extreme in any one thing will throw the wholeness of a person out of whack.
The other thing I've noticed is how hard it is to stay balanced. I'll tell You why: balanced people rarely get noticed. You have to have extreme opinions and be terribly outspoken about them to get a rise out of people. Then, some people will back you up, some people will get mad at you, but you will be noticed. And I believe getting noticed is one of the biggest motivators in our current context. So people of faith often do and do and do and forget to relate to You in rest and comfort because they feel their good deeds may help them receive appreciation.
Let me know I am appreciated for what I do, but more importantly for just who I am. For the time I spend here in the mornings, let me know that You appreciate it. No one else has to notice. For my dedication to my rule of life, let me know that You appreciate it. For attempts to be a man of prayer, to rest in You, to truly know You, let me know I'm appreciated. For I love You, and certainly appreciate Your character and the actions that have flowed from that.
Hum. Has this become what my faith is to? I just went through at the beginning of the year and instituted a rule of life into my life. Basically my rule has many tiny rules that I try to follow throughout the days and months. Not all of them get accomplished, but it has been a way to bring accountability to my life. Actually, despite the fact that it is do and do, rule on rule, it has been very refreshing.
I wonder then if motivation for the do and do is the problem. In other words, I don't take for granted right now the relationship context of serving You. Everyday I enter the Word and try to be true to pray and sometimes write to You. Perhaps it is when faith becomes completely the doing, and the relationship is left out, that to do and do, rule on rule becomes detrimental.
I've been learning just how much faith is about balance. A balance of knowing and doing, a balance of acting and speaking, a balance of inward reflection and outward activity, a balance of relationship and accountability. It has become obvious that going to extreme in any one thing will throw the wholeness of a person out of whack.
The other thing I've noticed is how hard it is to stay balanced. I'll tell You why: balanced people rarely get noticed. You have to have extreme opinions and be terribly outspoken about them to get a rise out of people. Then, some people will back you up, some people will get mad at you, but you will be noticed. And I believe getting noticed is one of the biggest motivators in our current context. So people of faith often do and do and do and forget to relate to You in rest and comfort because they feel their good deeds may help them receive appreciation.
Let me know I am appreciated for what I do, but more importantly for just who I am. For the time I spend here in the mornings, let me know that You appreciate it. No one else has to notice. For my dedication to my rule of life, let me know that You appreciate it. For attempts to be a man of prayer, to rest in You, to truly know You, let me know I'm appreciated. For I love You, and certainly appreciate Your character and the actions that have flowed from that.
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