When Success Comes...

I've been studying a lot in Luke lately. I just taught the book to my seventh grade class last semester and we've been going through it section by section, verse by verse at Exodus. So I am preparing for Sunday's sermon and reading the account of Jesus' interaction with a leper in Luke 5.

The account is exactly what I would expect from You. You came into a city, met someone in need of deliverance, and released them from the situation that was holding them back from wholeness. In this case, it is the man's skin disease. There are some remarkable intricacies to this story, some depth that we'll get into on Sunday, but I am struck today by the end of this passage.

After You healed the man, the crowds were over the top about You and Your ministry. Your miracles, Your bold teachings, the authority that You had (nice advantage, being God and man :-), but all of these things were impressing the people. And they wanted on board. So they began to follow and the crowds became larger. You were so successful!

I find, in my times of success, two things happen to me. First of all, I become very busy. There are many people who want to talk to me, many things that I have to do to keep the success going, many people I want to see me because I want them to recognize how successful I am. I get busy.

Secondly, when I am successful I get very nervous. I worry that something will take the success away. I think about tennis last year when we were 10-2, and how much I worried that something could go wrong (something did). The year before when we won the Sectional, the way I worried about whether we would accomplish our goal or not (and we did). I think about Exodus even, when things were going really well at the beginning and people were joining on (the Mahaffas, Tim Vogel, Ben Gooding, the DeMotts - and all of a sudden we had a full house!) I remember we worked so hard and late on sermonizing and preparing on Monday nights (busyness) and I often worried about what people would think of my sermons (worry).

Strange, but I think success is so desired that it causes undue stress to most of the people in this world.

And maybe for You as well, but in this passage You did something pretty cool. Something that I as an introvert really connect with. You withdrew Yourself from the crushing crowds and prayed in "lonely places." You made time to be alone and reconnect with the Father. In success, You didn't try to do so much more, You did less. You didn't load up Your mind with constant worry; You unloaded Your mind alone with our Father.

This is something to remember. I don't know when I'll have success again. I don't know when Exodus will start firing on all cylinders and people truly grow and change. I don't know when my classes at school will again bring me the "Teacher of the Year" award. I don't know when my tennis team will jump out to a great start to the season, or have a shot at another Sectional title. I hope all of these successes will come soon and often, for I am a human and desire to see the efforts of my hands become successful.

But whenever the success comes, let me remember: Those are the times when I must run to You with even more passion!

Two Barriers

As I think about the idea from my last post, Lord, stepping forth to love others, that is not a natural attitude for me. It is not natural for me to think of someone else's needs above my own and it is not natural for me to spend a whole lot of time worrying about other people's problems.

I don't mean to say I don't help other people, but I only help other people when they ask for my help. I helped Joel and Jackie paint their house, but only when they asked me to. I helped Bryan clean his garage, but only when asked. I just don't look for the needs of others and take the initiative to ask if they want help.

And that's a kind of passive selfishness. I'm not demanding that everybody look at me and do things my way. I just don't really go out of my way to do things on the behalf of others. I don't involve myself with others if I don't have to. I'm afraid that if I was in the Good Samaritan story I'd be the guy who sees the injured man, and walks on by with a million "good" excuses as to why I couldn't help.

One barrier to loving others is my passive selfishness.

I also think that my passive selfishness is grown from another desire: I'm pretty lazy. I don't want to be doing work after I get home from work. I don't want to go to someone's house and tutor their children after I get done with work. I don't want to drive to Joel and Jackie's and help refinish the bathroom on a Tuesday evening. I don't even want to do the things that have to get done around my house. After work, I'm tired and I'd like to chill out with my son. If I get too involved with others, their might be difficult things for me to deal with in the evenings on a regular basis.

A second barrier to loving others is my laziness.

So these are the things that I need to step out of. They are not terrible, they don't keep me from being nice, but they keep me from being most effective in my faith. Help change these attitudes and outlooks in my heart Lord Jesus. Then I can be most dedicated to You.

Step Forth and Love Others

I often post about the thoughts that are rolling around and colliding inside my head. This short new year, Lord, has seen my thoughts dominated by two topics. The other day I wondered what was on Your mind. Perhaps You have had these two things in mind for me all along.

Again, however, I proceed with caution in declaring these two things. I mean, they are good. So You want us to follow what is good. But are they all You want for me? Do You want less? Am I even hearing You right? What I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't want to declare the two things You've been speaking to my heart about, leave and go pursue them and in that stop listening for Your voice. I believe that You are leading me in paths of righteousness. But I too believe that these paths can be changed if You desire. I want to remain humble and follow You, even if things change.

At Christmas, my parents gave us each a character from the story and challenged us to think about how that character might be related to us in the upcoming year. I've read the story of Joseph several times since then, but nothing has removed the immediate thought that I had when given the figurine.

"Step forth."

This is so frustrating. I haven't known what or how or who or where. I don't know why that sticks with me. What I assume is that I just don't know yet. That You are preparing me for something that has yet to come along.

Secondly, I've been teaching the book of Luke at church. My last teaching focused on Jesus' desire to bring change to others. We're all about change for ourselves, inner change, inner cleansing. But how much do we care when Jesus starts to bring about change in those we are uncomfortable with? Anyways, I have been convicted that I must keep an eye out for others. Truly loving others as the commandment says.

"Love others."

So those thoughts collided today as I began to read the book of Ruth. It's exactly what Ruth does. As her husband and her father-in-law both die, she is faced with a choice. Leave Naomi and go home to her people, leaving Naomi in mourning and a foreign land alone. Or she can choose to love Naomi, love the other, and stay with her in her mourning. To choose to support and be with her. And Ruth chooses to love others.

But Naomi also wants to go back to Bethlehem, her home town. So Ruth again must choose: to follow Naomi, to love Naomi, it is going to mean a journey. But Ruth chooses to step forth. To go on the journey with Naomi.

Ruth steps forth to love others.

I feel... I feel there is something here for me. I don't know what it is for certain. But those themes need to dominate my mind right now. I haven't been the best at following from these times together to the thoughts of my day. But I think I am at least beginning to simplify the noise that is also in my head.

Step forth and love others.

I Want to Want What You Want

What's on Your mind?

I can tell You the myriad of things that I pause to think about on a morning like this in January: the Packers-Cardinals game I missed last night, the computer game I was playing yesterday, resisting the temptation to blow off this conversation for sports news, the warmth of my bed on this cold morning, the papers I have yet to grade for school, the short weekend that also seemed very long, the heaviness of my eyes, the plan for the rest of the day...

I listened to a sermon yesterday on the way home from my brother's. It was on the verse, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." The pure in heart part reminded me of mewithoutYou and Kierkegaard, who have said that purity of heart is to will one thing. To desire one thing. To again quote mewithoutYou, "I have a thousand half loves."

I want to be simple. To want the good that God intends for every situation. But I want so much more out of every situation. To be honest, I am usually purely interested in the result that I intend for every situation. How can I become more pure? How can I want less?

So that's what is on my mind. Trying to find my way into what You intend. So...

What's on Your mind?

Throughout My Day

I have no continuity in my prayers to You right now. I have a hard time remembering what we talked about yesterday in our morning prayer session. There is something going on that makes the morning devotional time feel like a book. I open it, think hard and try to involve myself, then I slam it shut. Then the next time I go to read it, I have to go back a little to remember what was going on, because I haven't thought about it since I left it.

I don't want things to be this way.

So, here's what I'll do today. No morning prayer time. Perhaps this will make me thirst for You throughout my day. We'll try to get together throughout the day. And I want to anchor this "experiment" with some Scripture reading at lunch. Okay, please be with me in this pursuit.

Weighty Things, Mighty Lord

Anything I say to You today must begin with thanks. My boy finally slept through the night. No two hour crying sessions or anything. As a matter of fact, he only cried for 45 minutes when we put him to bed, which is somewhat bearable, because even though we feel bad for him, we were going to be awake anyways. So, since my last couple of encounters with You have been begging You to help with this, I am truly thankful that it has happened. It is answered prayer.

And with that answered prayer, I can move beyond myself. My tiredness often lends to selfishness. When I've been denied rest, I find it hard to bear the lives (or sometimes even company) of others. But You have given me rest, Lord. At least, I got to sleep through a night!

So, the lives of our community always seem a bit heavy. Here's what I mean: There's always somebody struggling with something complicated, big, sad, or stressful. Rarely is our community operating at a point where all are enjoying life at the same time.

What really pains me, Lord, is to see people who have normally been so filled with joy hit a life situation that just stops them in their tracks. The loss of a job, the loss of a loved one, the never ending search for Your will in their lives, or at least their perception of what Your will looks like. Currently, I should be praying for, on a regular basis, people dealing with these problems... (number of people in parenthesis)

- depression (2)
- need for work (6)
- loneliness (2)
- significant life changes (2)
- struggles with parenting or the tiredness it brings (8)
- significant addictive battles (3)

And my list is probably small. I have so many questions for You when I type a list like this. Is this the way life has been for everybody? What do I tell these people? How do I comfort them on an individual level? What are my prayers doing (because if I'm being brutally honest, instead of seeing people come out of these situations, I've become more aware of people falling into them)?

But then again, if I'm being brutally honest, do I remember to pray for these problems on a regular basis?

What I'm doing by bringing this up in our time today Lord is simply saying this: these things are important to me. These people are important to me. And rather than moan about the weight of the world and the depression and stress that it brings, I'd like to be part of the relief and restoration. Even if that part is only as an observer.

Is there anything too hard for You, Lord God. Act in these situations. Act in the mighty power that saved the entire nation of Israel, and a whole world from the darkness. Act in that power, on our small behalf. Personally, give me the power of attention to pray and stay at You. That's a fun request, eh?

How to Live in Earth and Bring Some Heaven

This week was a week where I was determined to get things right. Things between You and me. Things with my church. Really get back into a full fledged relationship with You, spend more time communicating with You, turn my thoughts to You throughout my day. Really bring some heaven to my day on a regular basis.

What I'm increasingly finding is that I have to get away from my "earth" in order to experience "heaven," and that's not what I really want at all. In other words, they only times I ever think of You are when I'm removed from the situations of my life. When I'm teaching (even though it's the Bible!) I have difficulty focusing on Your way, on Your person, on following You. And so since I can't focus, I don't always naturally respond like I should. And so increasingly I'm finding that I'm not becoming the person God wants me to be (or at least not as fast as I think that I should).

And so I've tried to start the new year with attention. But the series of events that I am facing right now is making attention so hard, basically because they are sapping my energy, making me sleepy tired and then cranky, forgetful, selfish and angry. When Gideon won't sleep I don't get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that he's been up in the middle of the night. He cries and we can't do anything about it. He was up for more than an hour tonight, but 2:30 last night and a couple hours the night before that. It's draining to not get the amount of sleep that you plan for.

Also at the beginning of this week our shower has been out of commission while it is remodeled. So I've been having to shower at the school, which means giving myself more time in the morning to get there, shower, go pick up Clifton, and then get back to the school. Which again means... less sleep.

Oh, and the kicker to my stress levels? J-term. I'm teaching one class - all day - with no prep periods. None. I have a break for lunch and 15 minutes when the students get some snacks, but otherwise, no breaks. And during those breaks I have to grade or I fall woefully behind. So it is a solid day of grading and being with students, which is fine (I enjoy the teaching and conversation) but exhausting.

So how do I deal with all these things, while living as You would intend? How do I have the attention levels, the energy it takes to have those levels, when at times during the day I don't feel I have the energy to continue to stand up?

So today's devotional thought is a question. Will You be my strength? I've always wanted to declare, "The Lord is my strength and my song / He has become my salvation." Right now, this would be a time where You could give me cause.

Parenting

I'm at a loss right now as to how to parent. Gidster is going on 2 hours of crying now because he doesn't want to go to sleep by himself. Over the Christmas vacation, he had something like 10 straight days of being in the same room at night with us, now I guess he wants that again. So for the last 2 hours it's been, "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy, daddy!" He had stopped while I started writing this, but I think my wife just tried to go cover him up and he wasn't really asleep yet, and so he's started up again. Did I mention that it is 3:40 in the morning?

It's such a dilemma. We've got no shower right now, so I've got to be up at 5:00 in order to have time to go to the school and shower. So right now I'm looking at about 3 hours total of sleep. Well, that is if I can go to sleep with him wailing, which I haven't accomplished in the past 2 hours.

But anyways, the dilemma is that Gideon is scared that we won't come and get him, and he simply wants to be with us. So he will cry unless we are with him. So, if we leave him, it confirms his fear that we aren't coming back for him and he continues to cry. However, if we go and get him it reinforces his tactic of crying to get us to come to him in the middle of the night. And then he learns to do it not just tonight but tomorrow night, and the next night, and the next night, until we finally stop it. So we're just trying to stop it now.

It's a painful experience Lord. I have to wonder how many of these painful experiences in teaching Your people lessons and helping them mature You go through on an every day basis. This is the problem of pain. It sucks, but it teaches.

I'm coming to You now, because I'm going to need some sleep when Gideon is done crying. And I probably won't be able to get up the extra bit early that I normally do in order to ensure our morning time together. So I wanted to make sure not to miss our time alone completely. So instead of 5:00 AM, here I am at 3:45 AM. Not sure how this is going to play out later in school, but I'm hoping that I can keep my eyes open!

Thank You, for Gideon is quiet right now. I pray that You can help us parent him through the 2's. I didn't expect this age to be quite as hard as it has been the past several weeks, and we're trying so hard to make sure we raise a God-honoring child. It's scary to think that your child might be able to walk away from something that is so important. I think this is another amazing thing about You and Your creation of man. You have created us with the ability and capacity to reject You and all that is important. How can You be so brave? If I could have a guarantee that Gideon would serve You, I would take it in a heartbeat. I'm really not interested in freedom, just that Gideon does what is right. But I don't even have that choice. Gideon will be free, and we have to raise him with the ability to deal with that freedom.

It's certainly interesting to look at You through the lens of my parenting experience this morning. Father, guide me to some Scriptures today that bring this up again. I would love to think about this more. Right now I'm losing the ability to stay awake...

Please, 2 hour school delay...

One Resolution

Father God, guide my thoughts this morning, and let me be in Your presence. In Jesus name...

Usually, I've got a solid plan for what I'm going to do during my devotional time with You, Lord. But this year I'm kind of going to be walking on faith. My devotional thought this year is that I want to be with You. The content of this time is much less important than the relational aspect.

That said, I'm trying to give You control of the content. Realizing that as I talk to You, I might realize that certain Scriptures would be helpful to ground my thoughts, that prayers for myself or others might be particularly necessary, or perhaps I will be moved to poetry or some other book. I still need to be attentive, and will need to be mindful of Your Spirit. So be near me.

The new year is a typical time for refocusing, and as hip as I am Lord, I'm not immune to the cultural phenomena that is New Year's resolutions. In fact, my resolutions tend to pile up on top of each other. I'd like to write a book of poetry in 2010, I'd like to focus on becoming a better pastor in 2010, I'd like to get back to posting daily at the tennis blog, I'd like to step forth on my faith this year, I'd like to be content with only one of all things...

The other day I listened to a sermon by Shane Hipps, in which he talked about footwashing. I realized that Peter represented the two common reactions to You. First, he did not want his feet washed at all. He denied the intimacy, the service from others, the chance for transformation. He would not be vulnerable and commit. I can be like that at times. However, more often I am the second reaction from Peter.

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

When I realize that I can be a part of You, that I can take a place in the long story of Your interaction with the world, I want it to be over the top. I want to change my church, my tennis team, my family, my classes, myself... and I dive in all at once. Then I get tired.

Of couple of weeks ago, I heard Herman Edwards speaking on ESPN radio. He was talking about how he would talk to his rookies about the stuff that money can buy since most of them had just become millionaires and could buy a lot of stuff. He would tell them, "Get yourself one of everything. One big house, one beautiful car, one wife/girlfriend, one piece of bling, etc." I think that is really sound advice.

Spiritually for me, I need to have just one goal to focus on. One thing. Or at least one thing at a time. And perhaps that theme of one should flow throughout my life. One helping at dinner time, one time to exercise in my day, one hour to play with my son alone (meaning without the TV in the background), one hour with You every morning.

It's something to think about isn't it? All I know is that I cannot spread my mind across the gamut of all there is to You. You are too immense and cause too much transformation, if I go in all directions at once, I fear I won't go in any one direction well. And it is me to want to do one thing well rather to do all things.

I'll leave the all things to You, considering You do them perfectly.

Continue to meet me in this time Lord, as today I pray in Jesus name, amen.