Seeing You at Work Again

And we're back. Well, I haven't really gone away Lord. The time of privacy did me good. But the ability to rapidly look back through my days is lost in privacy. And here, I do a much better job of contemplating You and the Scripture than I did in privacy. In privacy, I pray well. Here, I search well. Hopefully this knowledge will help me do both well.

It was certainly interesting to read my last two posts from July. I must have fallen off the wagon after those posts, because this fall I did not feel like You were everywhere. Only recently have I really regained my appreciation for You. You are working right now in so many places in my life. Last night, it was good to sit down and read. Read Image Journal, read poetry, and then just think. The interview with Eugene Peterson was amazing. He certainly has a way of saying the things that my soul is thirsty for. And he talked yesterday about "reading Scripture slowly" as one of his spiritual disciplines.

Reading Scripture slowly has become very difficult for me, except for when I'm posting here on this site. I don't know why that is Father, maybe because I don't feel like I can be quite as personal here because the info flows on out into the wide open spaces of the world wide web. Therefore, I tend to focus more on how You are speaking to me through the Scriptures, instead of personal prayer and confession. I'm hoping I can balance those things better, because I realize now that a healthy spiritual life needs a balance of all those things.

Another thing that I realize I must balance is community and being alone. The solo, 5:00 in the morning thing has it's advantages, but I know I need someone to join me in this journey of legitimately seeking for You. It doesn't necessarily have to be as early in the morning, but I know that I need to share and be shared with.

I have also learned the value of being filled up by others as I peruse back through the blog from July and before. I notice that I was quoting mewithoutYou, My Epic, "This is My Father's World," and more. Others, outside of my home community often speak to me, and they keep my eyes open and attentive. Bring those sources of life before me, and let me partake deeply of them.

I love my prayer from two posts ago, "Again." Right now, I pray it again.

You know what I notice! You already have done those things through the time I met with You in the privacy.

Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.
--> Yes, we have sat through many mornings together, because I've gotten my act together and started to commit to mornings once again. And that has been a brilliant thing. Again, I feel like I need our morning conversation, or at least I need to pour out to You, to get my day started on the right foot.

Again You will be with me through my fears at night.
--> Yes, yes! I remember during tennis season, or maybe it was right after the season that I was stressed about a billion things all at the same time and was sitting up through the night. Parent-teacher conferences, my sister's wedding, the end of tennis season, my license issue, my 7th grades classes, and so much more and me stressed beyond belief. And there You were, helping me catch my breath, helping to calm me down, listening. And so many of those things have been dealt with in miraculous ways! Like my license coming through, no problem just this week!

Again You will speak and I will hear my name.
--> Saying that I've heard my name again might be a stretch, but just this past week You really reaffirmed who I am. In teaching, a real solid researched teaching, and a "creative" service to go with it. It's amazing that in being a pastor of a house church, perhaps my best gift is service planning. Maybe it is because that is the only seminary class that I have taken, who knows! Still, it allowed me to feel my call again, to creatively lead Exodus as You creatively lead Your people.

Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.
--> Exhibit A: This morning.

Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.
--> Yep. The more I learn the more You blow my mind. This whole idea of paradox and balance that I've been learning and teaching to the 7th grade. Awesome. Also, the whole idea of fasting, feasting and the gentle stillness from Shane Hipps, very cool! The gentle stillness is a place I still long to find You. Help me. And increase my wonder from it.

Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.
--> Yes again! This past Monday was awesome to watch the miracle that is taking place. I praise You for it!

Again You will sit with me through pain.
--> Oh man, when Bryan and Kim lost their child to miscarriage, I was so pissed at You. And despite my anger... You sat there with us. You came back and pulled us closer. You let us know that You were not rejoicing either, and we came to see You in new and glorious ways. The pain was intense, especially for Kim and Bryan, but so has been our renewed spirit.

You have loved me with an everlasting love.

Amen.

It's Been a Long Time

It's been a long time since I've been in this space with the LORD. And I've seen the consequences. Less focus, less drive, less communion. What a sorrowful separation it has been. I think of the times when Court and I have been emotionally distant just because we're not involving each other in the day-to-day of life. That's where I am with You right now as well. You are not feeling the day-to-day of my life, and I am not feeling You in my day very often.

I know it is because my eyes and heart are not open. I know it is because discouragement has crept up and into my mind. I know it is because I pursue the things where I feel I am having success instead of addressing the areas that obviously need change. I know it's because I've adopted a comfortably outward theology while still living a comfortably inward lifestyle.

It's amazing the damages that my life feels from the distance. I haven't written a poem since last May, with all the inspiration of summer I am lacking inspiration from You. I haven't finished a book since early Spring, my knowledge and my thirst for it have all been sufficiently stifled. This is not the image I wish to see myself as. I want to be relentlessly pursuing You. I have not been.

How do I become relentless? That's an interesting quality that I would not pick to describe myself as in the least. It sounds somewhat negative. And yet...You are very good at taking negatives, weaknesses and turning them upside down. Perhaps my heart's desire is to be relentless.

When I think of my son, coming in only four more months, and I think of the model that I want to set for him, what does it look like? When he is 25, what will he say his dad was like? What do I want him to say?

Well, loving I suppose is the obvious one...but not to sound arrogant, I know I am going to be a great lover of my children. But that's not all I want to be. Relentless in my pursuit of God, my Lord, the LORD. You. I hope that my son's model for being a man is one defined, wrapped in, dripping with a relentless pursuit of the one and only LORD.

How can I be more relentless? Well...priorities. You and Your way must be in the forefront. Not tennis, not Exodus, not Gideon, not school, not sin. But again, defining myself by what I shouldn't do doesn't always work all that well. So enough not's, as true as they are. What are the do's? What should I pursue?

It's always good to start with the Word, for my journey with Christ starts with those texts. But prayer is always right behind. Yet, I think the key definitely lies in creation and action. It is creation now that I'm lacking, and that holds the spice. I need to honor You with my creativity and with my thoughts. I must hold You there first. So back to the poems, back to the creative Bible lessons, sermons, chapels. Now I am getting excited once again!