Hurt and Hope

Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 30-31

- "Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing."
- "So there is hope for your descendants," declares the LORD. "Your children will return to their own land."
- "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the LORD.

Sunday I taught a sermon called "Community of Truth." We covered these very same topics that show up here in the text of Jeremiah. The idea is that we all have real struggles, real wounds, real and deep hurt that we must walk through. And that You offer hope out of these hurts that is just as real.

It's great words, very true. But have I taken the time to reflect on it myself? Not so much. Where is my true hurt? What do I really struggle with that wounds me again and again? Do I have the confidence in You to face up to it? Do I have the trust in You to hope? Do I have the internal strength to order my life in such a way to claim "victory in Jesus"?

Hurt. I suppose I hurt in many ways. For whatever reason, I've recognized that rejection is one of the deepest wounds upon my heart. Well, maybe that is true. Lack of appreciation is another deep wounder of my soul. It is interesting, because both of these have to do mightily with what others think of me. It matters a great deal to me what others think of me. I think that makes sense, because I also recognize that I play a peace-making role in almost every community I am in, and to play that peace-making role when I am in conflict with many people would be difficult. And so kind of without thinking about it this whole cycle falls into place. I do not stand firm with strong convictions, but where I put my foot timidly forward, offering myself up in one capacity or another, I am rejected. I am easy to reject because I am timid, I am easy to under appreciate because I do not think highly of myself. When I am under appreciated and rejected, or even if I awkwardly feel like things are headed that way, I curl back up into my introvert shell and lick my wounds. Because I believe in truth and community, I will timidly put myself out there again, only to go through the same cycle. But off to the side, I am trying to heal the hurts and desires that go unnoticed myself.

Let me be more concrete. One of the hurts that I struggle with is not being taken seriously by my wife. In other words, she basically knows that I will do what she wants to do, and for the most part that is fine with me. An example, if I try to woo her into an "intimate" time, she will often feel free to say "no, I don't really feel like it." I know that that doesn't sound like rejection, but hearing it time and time again is wounding to me. Or I'll suggest that we think about moving the TV out of the living room, or that we stop watching pointless shows, or that we try to do devotions together as a family. She may agree, but then put so little effort into actually doing those things that I get frustrated, give up, and feel like my ideas for the betterment of my family are not appreciated. Because of who I am, I don't believe in just keeping these things to myself. So I'll tell Courtney how I'm feeling, but she always gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to respond. So she doesn't respond. And I don't hold that against her, I know that is easier. But it leaves me in a place of rejection again. Off to the side, I struggle through bouts of temptation with lust and pornography, because the internet rarely says no.

This hurt can be played out with Exodus Community as well. I'm a spit-baller when it comes to ideas, I think large, I think small, I think action, I think rest, I just think. And so I like to throw out ideas. Sometimes, whether it be because Bryan and Joel are tired, don't have enough time, or my ideas are bad (which is entirely possible), my ideas get met with a continual pessimism. Again, this goes to the deep place of hurt I have for not being taken seriously, because things will just get dismissed. The way I am tempted to respond to this hurt is to just take control, but without any community. To say things in front of the whole community that have not been brought up in the group of leaders. To slowly and subversively try to get MY ideas into the group, instead of approaching with truth and honesty. And it's all because of hurt.

But there is hope.

"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds." You declare this to all who will listen. This is a declaration for the many at Exodus Community, for the many wallowing in sorrow in our world, and more specifically today, You are talking to me. Yet, I know that much is required of me to do the actions of hope. I must trust that the hope is real, that Your peace is real. And I must be willing to do things that I am uncomfortable with in order to order my life around Your values and Your commands.

Lord God, be in my actions and words today.
Order them, make them pleasing in Your way,
help me to continue to serve You
and to hope and trust that my service will bring peace.
Remind me that in You, I am not rejected.
Remind me that in You, I am always appreciated.
Remind me, though I do not like trite "life" verses,
that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made."
Let me find joy in that, let me find peace in that.
You are the Creator, the words You speak are truth.
Bring me out of hurt into the depths of Your hope.
Amen.