Today is the Due Day

I have often wondered throughout this Advent season about the awesome nature of Christ's birth, and why You chose to bring Your presence into the world through a baby. I mean, honestly, You could have just come as an unknown man and been God among us. But You chose to first break into this world in flesh by birth. What a miracle. And by what a miracle, I'm talking about both birth and You coming to the world.

I have all sorts of thoughts to set before You about being a father. Fears to be sure, but also joy, fulfillment, love, doubt, worry, peace and joy. It's so hard for me to not have the physical connection to our son that Courtney has. It makes me feel like a bystander at times, and I am in reality. I know that I'm supporting her, but I really want to hold him at this point.

I guess it's taken a lot of getting there, but what I'm trying to say is: "I'm ready." I'm ready to take that newborn child and wrap him in swaddling clothes and think about how Mary and Joseph did the same to an incarnate You thousands of years ago. I'm ready to take a child and put him close to my heart. I'm ready to hold my wife's hand through pain, watching the real life example of the journey through pain leading to joy. I feel a peace about the birth right now. Some things seem to be in order and some things don't, I guess we call that life. So I'm as ready as I will be.

And while I'm feeling good about the baby, I still long for intimacy with You. I have this hope that the miracle of birth will spur a closeness with You that I haven't felt in a while. Bu I long to have that closeness throughout the experience, from this beginning, from this waiting, until the end. I have given little time to slow down over the past couple weeks. I need some time to slow down and just thank You.

I read an article the other day that talked about a guy who prayed all the time. But he only ever prayed two prayers. "Thank You," and "Help me." That's me right now, simultaneously. Thank You for the joy You are providing to my life, help me take care of him and Courtney. I know in Your strength that I have security. And for that I thank You. I know You've given me supportive family, and for that I thank You. I know that You are with me, and have given me many people who are also with me...

and for that I thank You.

Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth soon, bring Gideon!

Produce Fruit in Keeping with Repentance (Outro)

So my conversation with Bryan and Joel brought this up again, bringing back to my attention that I've yet to finish this conversation with You. Where I left off the conversation is where I still am, trying to figure out what I can do to prepare the way of the Lord, to promote equality, and to help others.

Bryan brought up such an interesting point last night, and it's implications haunt me. There is need that is rampant all over our world, mountains and valleys all over the place. As a family, or even as Exodus Community, we've been stretched to our financial limits in trying to make the way smooth. We're at a point that for us to keep giving we will need more resources, or to be blunt, we will need more money.

And I hate this position. I don't care what I'm begging for money about, to get things for myself or to get things for others, I hate the position of coming to You saying, "Lord, where can we find the money for this?" What I'm afraid of is that question will become our only question, our only concern. So my thought is that there must be something more than money to make the road smooth.

And what if that thing is more difficult than money? Again, Bryan is a genius Lord (I thank You for putting he, and Joel and Andy in my close circle, I learn more from them than I could have ever imagined). He looked at the narrative of Scripture and realized that You don't always come and take away the problems that people have. You don't always meet the immediate need by solving it once and for all. But You do promise that You will be with us and that should be enough. Strangely it often is enough. What if that is our job too? As we follow You, perhaps we are to be with people right through their troubles, rather than always seeking to take them away. Sure, we can do the smaller, practical things when we have the resources, but maybe it's more important to be there.

I know that is true in my heart. I don't know why I type "maybe." It's a scary thought, that is why. I know that my wife wouldn't necessarily be all that excited about spending more time with different people. I know that with Gideon's arrival coming soon we don't have a whole lot of time for being more intentionally with others. But how serious are we about the gospel?

Christ, I lay myself at Your feet this morning. Break me open for people today. Let me just be that simple.

I love You Lord. The real You. The more I see of You, the more glorious Your ways become. Continue to speak to me, reveal Your truth close to me.

Produce Fruit in Keeping with Repentance (Body)

So my question as we ended yesterday Lord was how do we prepare ourselves for You, for what You are doing? As Scripture would put it, how do we prepare the way of the Lord? Well, of course that Scripture would be a really good place to start I think. The one that speaks of preparing the way. So when Joel read this text last Sunday, I was all ears and eyes for what the text said.

Of course, the idea of preparing the way is found specifically in two places of the Scriptures. One is in Isaiah, which is a prophetical proclamation, the second is in the gospels as John the Baptist fulfills this prophecy. So Joel read this passage from Isaiah:

"A voice of on calling:
'In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it."

So, I've never really thought about what this means. I guess, I've thought about the fact that it applies to John the Baptist because he was a voice calling in the wilderness. But I never thought about what it says in regards to preparing for God. The picture that just jumps off the page at me is "Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low." When I see this, one single thought came to me. This is talking about equality. Knocking down hills and raising up valleys make all the ground level, a level playing field so to speak.

So I take that hypothesis about equality to the New Testament, to John. How does John interpret what this passage is talking about? In Luke, this very same passage is quoted, and then John goes off on the crowds coming out to him. He tells them to produce fruit in keeping with repentance. In other words, don't just make a big show of coming out to be baptized in the desert in order to show repentance, no, actually get down to the work of preparation. The work of repentance. The doing part of faith.

The people ask John a very good question then: "What shall we do?" How do we produce fruit? How is the way of the LORD prepared? How do we prepare ourselves and at the same time prepare others for the work that God is doing?

John answered: "Equality. Level the playing field. Stop gaining for yourselves and taking from others. Make things equal." Okay, not exactly quoting Scripture there. But John's exact answers were that the man who has two tunics should share with the one who has none, the one who has food should share with the one who has none, the tax collectors shouldn't take more for themselves, the soldiers should not extort more for themselves. The message is simple: make sure everyone has their needs taken care of, don't take advantage of people because you can.

This speaks to me in a lot of ways. Personally, I don't know how much I actually am concerned with this. I mean, I am, for sure...but is my fruit, my response in keeping with my concern and belief? That's a good question to struggle with today? Where should I be giving my tunics? Who should be getting my food? Where can I make things more equal, less rough, so that the glory of the LORD may be seen?

Produce Fruit in Keeping with Repentance (Intro)

Lord, I've continually been wrestling with these thoughts about "preparing the way." I'm sure I've written some of them here before but at times I forget what I've written and what I've just thought. That happens I guess as thoughts swirl around about a hundred million different things all at the same time.

I've been really influenced by what I've been reading lately, one of which is "Sacred Rhythms" by Ruth Haley Barton. It's a book on spiritual disciplines that are often left undone: solitude, silence, lectio divina, praying without words, etc. One of the interesting things that she mentions though is how we as humans and church leaders are always trying to "programitize" transformation, as if human effort, if directed specifically in the right direction or saying the right things, can make people change. But the truth is it can't. Only God and the person needing transformation can make it happen.

"Well, okay..." I think, "then what are we supposed to do? Wait around for the Lord to act? Only pray? Is there anything that we can do?" As I was going through these thoughts about God making the transformation not human effort, I preached on the golden calf and how Israel tried to take God's power and put it into something that wasn't God's will. They couldn't wait and see how God would reveal himself, they chose the way in which God should reveal himself. And God doesn't honor that type of treatment. God chooses, we wait.

But it doesn't seem to be an inactive waiting. That seems ridiculous, by my experience anyways. I think, what am I just going to sit around? Really? That's all I'm supposed to do? Just wait? Same thoughts I've been having before? In my experience it seems silly to only sit around and wait for God when there are things you could be doing. For example, praying that you will find a job when you are not actively looking, putting in resumes, etc. It seems like we have to do our part as well, right? For whatever it is?

So what's the word for doing our part while still looking, waiting, and recognizing when God is doing His part, the important stuff? Well, Bryan found the perfect word when starting to get Advent worship ready for Exodus Community - prepare. Yes, it is God that makes those big steps, that accomplishes the transformation in people. But what do we do to help God? We prepare or make others prepared. That sounds right.

Wow. Okay, so that's the background to coming thoughts. And that's already long. Maybe I should have been blogging in little bits so it didn't take me forever to get the thoughts out there. And I'm running out of time this morning Lord, so I'm sorry. I guess these thoughts will stay with me through the day and we'll post tomorrow. How do we help people prepare for what God is doing?

Barren

Lord, I'm really trying hard to be alive for You in this Advent season. I'm so intrigued by the idea of waiting for You, the idea that Advent season, when we take it seriously, teaches us to wait in anticipation. To wait in anticipation for Christmas, to wait in anticipation for the coming renewal of all things, but most importantly, to wait in anticipation to see what You are doing in our lives right now.

So, waiting basically is really hard work because nothing seems to be happening. And it's not just me who feels this way. Bryan, who is also trying to take the Advent season very seriously, also feels like this. In some ways, it feels super unfair. We're trying to be committed and take what You say to heart, and yet it feels like Your true presence is far from us. Or worse that we're being ignored.

I know that these times are the hardest for me spiritually. I thrive on being able to feel Your presence, Your leading and direction. Whether that is in the things that I am leading, or in the Bible reading that I do, or whatever else, my faith is built on times of relational closeness with You. When that's not there, I feel dead. And tired. And not really like trying. So it's weird, these past couple weeks, despite the confusion of Your "withdrawl," the deadness, the tiredness, I've tried to push through and see what it is that You want me to hear, what it is that You want me to do.

I'm still waiting.

Maybe that's the point. I am reading this morning through the Christmas story in Luke. I've been wanting to read the gospels again and just finished Matthew, so this morning I started into Luke. I think Luke Christmas story is the most awesome, not because it goes into the most detail about Christ's birth (which it does) but because it also sets up Christ's birth with the birth of John the Baptist, the one who prepares the way for the Lord. I think it is a very neat account in the first chapter of Luke about preparing.

That's kind of what Advent is about to. Well, not kind of. That is what Advent is about. As you wait for Christmas and for Christ to arrive, you prepare yourself and I suppose others for what He is going to do. Okay. So this tale of John the Baptist is crucial in Advent, because this is a tale of waiting and preparation.

As I'm reading, the word that just jumped right off the page at me was barren. "Because Elizabeth was barren..." Just kind of a random word, just factual, informing us why Zechariah and Elizabeth didn't have any children. But very descriptive of where I feel I am at in my waiting and preparation. Interesting to that Elizabeth was barren, the child she does have ends up going to the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord. He lives in the barren desert. Probably no connection, but it is intriguing to me.

There seems to be many things involved in preparing ourselves and waiting. I am wondering if one of these important elements of waiting is barrenness. Finding yourself in the wilderness, confused and feeling alone. Perhaps it's a lesson of humility, showing us where we get to on our own merit and preparing us to see where God is going to take us.

I am sure it is part of the process, but Lord, I am not okay being here. Please help me to wait in this barren wilderness until You are truly leading me out.

How to Remember

Lord, I'm preparing a sermon for Sunday about Your ancient dwelling-place with the Israelite people, the Tabernacle. The big idea of the whole thing is that throughout the Bible, You are wanting to dwell with us. You are a living God who is in our midst, and You want us to know it.

The brilliant thing about the Tabernacle was that it was prominently placed in the center of the camp, a physical reminder that Your were with the people, dwelling within the camp. Even the temple (although most in Israel didn't see it daily) was a reminder of Your presence. We could look back and see that in the garden You walked with man, there with Adam and Eve. We can look ahead to see that You will be the light for us when You come to dwell with us again.

What helps me remember now? That the sun shines every morning, and I should be thankful that You are the light? That I eat every morning and You are the provider of life? In the tabernacle, there was a lampstand in the sanctuary the was decorated as an almond tree, the first tree to bloom after the dry season. It was a physical reminder, something fashioned as a symbol, that God was the light and the new life of the people. Did it help people remember?

I don't know (well, actually, I know that it kind of didn't help, because the Israelites are constantly missing the point.) So then, what does help us remember that You dwell with us, not far away. Certainly, I've felt like You were far away the past couple days. But You are near, and You desire to be recognized.

I suppose like many things that the answer must be relationship. We will know that You are near if we are pursuing You in relationship. I am looking for You this morning. I am looking for Your presence around me and with me.

My Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

Today, I have committed myself to some true time in prayer with You. So I am going to offer up my thoughts and concerns and then wait silently for You to answer me in some way. Though I am frustrated at the fact that our relationship doesn't seem to be on the same plane as it has been, I am not going to be the one to abandon what is right. And in that I know that You will be the one to come back and embrace me, because I am convinced that it is Your will to be known and loved. And I still love You, so much that I want to hear from You.

My prayer is simple. I want to be fully connected with You and aware of opportunities to live in "The Way of the Lord" everyday. I want the courage to see the uncomfortable places that I might need to help bring Your love to and the strength, belief, and courage again to do it.

And Lord, I pray the same for my community. Starting with my wife, extending through Exodus Community, even to the students that I teach each day. What would a community with courage look like? What could they do? How do I lead without fear myself? I need to speak the truth. It's time for us to do something uncomfortable. Help us to not let fear hold us back.

These are my big concerns. Of course, I could go through situations that I want You to be working in specifically, whether it be sickness within our community, Gideon growing healthily, Courtney finding a part-time job she enjoys, our community honestly facing its problems, our community honestly embracing the potential we have, my basketball team, my students, the tragedies that often surround any group of people. But I have faith that You are working in these specifics.

So let's attack some big things in prayer today Lord. Some big things that I'm going to constantly bring before You for this week (and probably on). Please work on removing the fear from our community. It's insidious, and it has crept in all over the place. Let people see it for what it is, give it up to You, and move on.

Secondly Lord, go after distractions. We are being pulled away from You in so many circumstances. Stop them. Allow us at least some consistent time to be focused. For me it is too much time spent at basketball, thinking about school, and just plain being tired. Give me the energy and the time.

I feel like this is a blabbering prayer God. I'm not sure how focused it was in and of itself. I know You hear it though. Accept it. Be pleased at my efforts to connect and show Yourself to me. Because I love You, I don't want to just leave You here for the day. Go with me. Lead me. Speak to me that You may speak through me.

For I always pray through Christ's name,
Amen.

It is Good to Wait Silently?

So, I glanced up at my verse in the description today. A thought came to me. What if I wait silently and You never show up?

Okay, so I know the truth in life is that You are always dwelling with us. I know that You will never leave us or forsake us. But there are certainly times when I feel like You are playing hide and go seek. Like, yes, You are somewhere around me but I don't see You, hear You; I'm not experiencing You at all.

Is sitting in silence good then? Because I've found that frustrating. In the world of entertainment, internet, Bible studies, pastor's meetings, iPods, worship music, devotionals, blogging, downloadable sermons, commentaries, etc., if I've chosen silence then I'm probably pretty desparate because silence is usually the least entertaining, least exciting, and least promising of the options. If I'm looking to learn from or about You there seems to be a lot more promise in a sermon, commentary or music than silence. I mean, even just reading the Bible seems like it could be more helpful than silence.

But sitting alone in silence is a theme of Scripture. You come and converse with many while they are alone. Many times they are removed to the wilderness before You speak to them, the wilderness where there are no distractions. Elijah, Moses, John the Baptist; You came to all of them in distraction free environments.

I wonder if Moses was thinking about his sheep while he was before the burning bush, if he was thinking about the people of Israel as he sat with You on the top of Mount Sinai. I doubt it. The sense I get from Scripture is that You were deeply involved with him, engrossing him in Your wonder and the wonder of the plans and commandments that You had for him to communicate and carry out.

As a pastor I identify with Moses. I certainly feel that You have plans and commandments that You would like to see me communicate to my people and for us to then carry those out. But when I sit and wait silently this morning, all I hear is the hum of the computer in the background. All I think about is the stuff I have to get done today. I give it up to You and try to refocus, but there seems little else to focus on.

Maybe it's because I can't get the focus beyond myself. Maybe my time of silence should be more "we" focused. What do You have for "us" not what do You have to say to "me." So what do You want me to communicate?

I want to sit in silence. The idea of just resting with You and listening seems wholistic and comforting to me. I guess, I just want it to have purpose. I want it to be the relational thing I've always believed it could be, not just me falling asleep while waiting for You to say something. So there must be something wrong.

I'm willing to hear that it is something wrong with me, because it almost has to be. Very doubtful that it is something wrong with You because nothing really can be wrong with You. But I need to HEAR what I need to change. If it is good to wait silently for You, please make some good of it soon.

His Personal Covenant

Lord, we studied on covenant a couple weeks ago up at Amigo Centre. And now in my study through Genesis I come to Noah receiving the covenant, for himself and all mankind, that You will never destroy the earth again (thank You!)

There's an interesting part of this covenant, this agreement between You, Moses, and ultimately all of humainty. Your covenant seems to come as a response to Noah's worship. In the account, You open the door for Moses and the family and they disembark the ark. Then Noah takes the clean animals, which he took seven of each of those, and sacrifices some of each in order to acknowledge You. The account then says that You smelt the sweet scent of the altar, and so You went down and gave Noah Your promise. It is as if Your covenant is a reaction to our right response.

And You initiate it. A covenant defines the way that we relate to one another, the things that we are held to do and the things that You are held to do. It is significant, I think, that You are always the one who defines the covenant. Here with Noah, You don't put extra terms on him. It's as if he has already fulfilled his part of the deal by offering a sacrifice, acknowledging You and thanking You for the work You've just done for him. But the sacrifice doesn't allow Noah to define how You will respond to him. He doesn't get to pick what You will do for him. There's no, "Oh great, God's here to answer my sacrifice. Now, I was needing a big house in which to store all this food, all these animals, my soon to be huge family, could You take care of that for me Lord."

Noah comes in simple acknowledge, You come defining the terms of relationship.

Noah does not offer obedience with expectation of blessing. Noah offers obedience, sacrifice because that is the right thing to do. It seems expectations is what our society, myself often get out of whack. So many times we turn our "sacrifice" and "worship" into activities that demand blessing. The whole reason we enter into a sanctuary or offer obedience to God's word is because we think that God will somehow pay us back. From middle school hopes of God getting the right girl to like us to high school dreams of God helping us win our games because we haven't sinned to adult misguided thoughts of guaranteed financial blessing, or health of children, or whatever because we are making sure we go to church, read the Bible, whatever.

Is it true that You will bless us in personal covenant ways when we do what is pleasing to You? No doubt. But it is all intiated by You, and it is dangerous for us to assume You will answer our obedience, our worship, our sacrifice in the way that we want.

I want to continue to live in sacrifice and obedience. I'd be a liar to say that I didn't want blessings because of it. But You know my whole life. As I worship, please come and define the covenant between You and me. Make some promises and I will too, but on Your terms. And I will always try to continually honor You.

Lord, You see me and You respond.
Lord, You bless me in Your perfect ways.
Help me to not expect my way,
but to respond to You with thanksgiving
for Your perfect way.
Truly, so may it be.

Building Excitement

Lord, reading through Noah's story right now, slowly but surely, I find myself identifying very closely with him in a lot of ways. First of all, the overwhelming nature of what You have asked of me and my community. I mean, following the Way of the Lord, leading an excellent church that models that, and all of my personal responsibilities on top of that is tiring, but...

I've just really been having a great week. And it's all little things. A great teaching meeting on Monday night, the students enjoying the eclasses I've made this week, a good focused day of teaching on Wednesday, holding my wife in labor rehearsal on Wednesday night, hearing that Bryan is moving and excited about the response for Sunday's gathering...they're not huge but they are hugely encouraging.

So I come to this part of Noah's story where he has been afloat for 150 days or whatever, and finally the ark comes to rest on a mountain. It wasn't a huge thing, but how excited must Noah have been. Things were finally starting to move in the right direction. He maybe was nearing a turning point where things would start to move as he had imagined them. Leaving the ark, renewing family life and beginning again to populate and work the earth. The end of floating was the first step in that direction, and that small thing had to be hugely encouraging.

I feel I'm in that mood right now. I know that this isn't theologically deep today, like I've been trying for over several days, but this just warmed my soul. And I know that perhaps this is where I'm at right now. With whatever happened the last two months, I have felt like I (we) have been floating. Now, I feel like we've found anchor. Now I expect to just wait and wait while You clear the rest of the land for us, preparing the way for whatever we embark on, and then open the door and tell us to go to it. It's exciting and I'm glad to be moving forward.

I love You, Lord. Help my life to reflect that joy today.

Sometimes

God, You are so good. Sometimes it is refreshing and interesting and downright exciting to read the Scripture and find all sorts of new things going on within it. Last night as we studied at Exodus, I was so invigorated by the study and all that we learned. I mean, we were able to look at the most boring, random, confusing passage of Scripture we've dealt with and were shown a beautiful side of You, the side of overwhelming grace. I am so thankful for that and the meeting last night.

Other times, I try to jump in and my brain is shot, or things don't jmp out to me or... I don't know. This morning seems to be one of "those" times, where I read about Noah getting into the ark and I'm like, "Uhh..." You have showed me some interesting things (the continual role of water in deliverance, or to be delivered from) but it doesn't seem to be as lifestyle impacting as I always hope for.

Maybe that's because I still need to be focus on the obedience part from last week, maybe You are not quite ready to move on. And I can deal with that. I just pray, whether I am learning new things today or that You will show me new things tomorrow, that I will be following You. Seems like a simple journal entry today, a reminder to myself and from You. But hey, if I've got to stay focused and obedient, I'll take simple.

Overwhelming Obedience

Lately I've been terribly bogged down by the weight of all the different things going on in my life. When I start listing out all the different things that I should be doing, I just end up wanting to go to sleep. So in reading more about Noah today, I identify with what he must have been feeling after chapter 6, verses 14-21:

So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you. You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.

"Yea, no, excellent God, oh, yea, I can do all that, no problem. Now, cypress wood, where would I start to find that. Maybe after I take a short nap." I mean seriously, Noah is given way too big of a task for one man to carry out on his own, just in building the ark. Then he is also given the task of filling the ark with animals and because he needs to keep them alive, food for the animals. Wow. It stresses me out just to think about Noah having to do all that.

And what's my favorite way of dealing with the stress of too much to do? I avoid it. I avoid doing the things that I have to do all together. I've got papers that need to be graded sitting all around my classroom, I need to work on an offseason tennis plan, I need to talk to Exodus Community pastors about being more intentional, more excellent, I need to be more excellent as a pastor myself by spending more time in the Word, by getting more involved with the individuals in our community, by becoming more involved with individuals not in our community, by challenging our current pastors and leading the church. Whew. I didn't even add in there yet that I need to prepare for Gideon coming, or the teaching that I'm doing, or the middle school basketball season starting in a week.

Now, maybe the difference is that Noah was directed in his tasks by You. They were specific things that You wanted him to accomplish. I can't imagine that Noah had a whole lot of anything else going on besides what You called him to. That's what enabled him in the end to have this said about him:

Noah did everything just as God commanded him. (Genesis 6:22)

All that huge stuff, big ark and zookeeping, that You directed him to do and this is all we're told? That seems entirely too simple. The emphasized point here though is that he did what You asked him to, just as You asked him too. No comment about him being overwhelmed, ridiculed, questioned, tired, busy, not having enough time for family, etc. Those things may have happened, but the important part, the written part of the story is that Noah did what You asked.

So what are You asking from me? I've been struck lately with the sense that we, the pastors of Exodus Community, have shyed away from really giving more time and making things more excellent in any way because of our lack of time. I see that excuse for myself and say, "um, that's an excuse, not a reason to not do what God is prompting you to." Plain and simple, something must be done about the time crisis. Otherwise, You aren't going to remember me with a simple "Matt did everything just as I commanded him."

So what sacrifice has to be made? I willing to give it all up, even the good. What do you want and where do I start?

And hopefully You'll make it that simple.

Standing Between God and Man

So, Sunday at Exodus Community was "Kingdom of Priests" day, in which we were trying to stress the importance of every believer to be a priest to the community surrounding them. And the basic job of the priest is to be one who stands between God and man.

So, I've got this idea that I need to do that. It's funny though, because as I start to go to You with the concerns for others that I have, I realize that their are only a select few in my community that I know really well. It makes me feel bad at relationships, and I realize that something I have to come before with is to improve my people skills, my conversation skills, my noticing of others, and my emptying of myself.

What do I need to stand in for those in Exodus Community? Why are they seeking You today? What should they be seeking You for? What do You want them to know? What do You want us to do?

On Sunday I talked to the group about Moses running up and down the mountain, to talk to the people and to talk to You. You kept calling him up and then sending him down to tell the people something new. Sometimes I feel like I'm running up and down the mountain because I can't remember everything that's going on. For example, I'll pray for Gideon and Courtney, then for Joel's message, and then for the Community in general, and then "Amen." I start getting on to whatever I have to do next and then I'm like, "Oh yeah, Kim needs prayer for her class." Then I start to pray for that and end. Then I remember that we should also pray for the covenant agreement we're preparing, and for the worship, and for Courtney's job. Then my brain moves outside the Community to the rest of my community: my students, my sisters and brother, friends from college, tennis players, etc.

How do you be a priest for the people you know? I'm working on that. What's the result of being a priest for the people you know? Overwhelming tiredness seems to be the answer right now. The amazing thing is that You've already prepared an answer for that. "And My Presece will go with you, and I will give you rest." That's Exodus 33:14, a great verse. Maybe I should make that my "life verse." As we try to be standing between You and others, taking their concerns, sins, problems, even joys before You, we are emptying ourselves out and getting worn thin. You, LORD God, You must go with us and allow us to rest.

LORD, of work and of rest,
Let us stand before You in blessing,
Let us go from You to deliver blessing,
And let us return again to find rest.
In the name of the Father, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit,
Amen.

Completeness

As I study the flood story, there are lots of interpretations and facts and commentary that state things that I already know to be true, or that seem inconsequential, Lord, in actually living the text. For example, there is the fact that the words "the whole earth" could have been more limited than the actual whole earth, because the writer would not have known how large the earth really was and could just have been talking about the flooding of all they knew. That's an interesting little thought, but what am I going to do with that. It's kind of cool to think about how language can communicate different ideas, but there is very little there to apply.

So instead of the larger flood narrative, let me start with a small, pre-diluvian detail (how 'bout them big words?!).

"Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked with God. Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth." Genesis 6:9-10

The thing here Lord, is the way that Noah is described. First of all, righteous and blameless. So he lived a life of good deeds. While obviously this doesn't mean that his life was sinless (we later find him drunk after the flood) but that there was a certain high moral quality to his life. Doing right must have been important to him, certainly in Your comparison of him to everyone else.

The third statement in how Noah is described is that he walked with You. It indicates some sort of relationship with You. In addition to his life of good deeds he also took time to spend with You. Noah's life, apparently, could be summed up by what later Jesus calls the greatest commandments. Noah loved God (walked with You) and loved others (was righteous and blameless).

I find it interesting then that there are three descriptors about Noah (righteous, blameless, and walked). In ancient language the three is a number indicating completeness. His relationship to You is complete, it contains every facet and attribute needed. I'm sure that is why You decided to start over with him. I'm sure that these are the characteristics that You love to see when You start anything with anyone. The completeness of one's character spills over into whatever they are doing.

Even with Noah's sons, you see this continual mention of threes, as if re-emphasizing it. Noah has a relationship with You that is complete, he has a complete family. He is ready to be used.

So, how about me? This is how I'd describe me: intermittently complete.

There are certainly times when I am being blameless before You, periods that last from hours to weeks. Just like I assume with Noah, this doesn't mean that I'm perfect, but that there is a high moral quality to my life and my days are oftened defined by others, not selfishness.

There are times when I walk with You, and then there are long stretches when I do not. But how can I really be ready to use if I am not complete and much more consistent? Certainly, life is the struggle to stay in connection with You and Your way. Can You give me the strength to struggle? Even beyond that, all of us who lead at Exodus Community need this type of completeness. A walk with You and and unselfishness of action. can You help us? Will You?

I ask these questions for I am ready and willing to be used, to lead forth for You. But I know that only You, and within the contexts of a relationship with You, can my weakness be taken and made complete. I pray that You will complete me.

Lord, who is Yourself a complete three-in-one,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
I pray to You.

Lord, who is Yourself completely holy,
not selfish but good,
I pray to You.

Lord, who is Yourself completely seeking
relationship with man,
I pray to You.

Complete me in Your holiness,
empty me of selfishness,
prepare me for Your service.

Complete me in our relationship,
seek out my companionship,
prepare me for Your service.

Complete me, as I hold Your thoughts
close to my heart and hands,
let me live and not forget.

Amen.

This is a Difficult Text

Lord, it's always interesting to open up Your Word, but it is sometimes confusing. Or, well, straightforward but not seeming to say anything. Say anything useful for living anyways. I know that seems pretty harsh, but it's the truth. Like I said, I want to be completely honest.

So today I stumble across Genesis 5 in my studies. It's a geneology from Adam to Noah. Ten generations, guys that lived a long time and had lots of sons and daughters. Many of them are godly and are said to have walked with You, both from the text we see Enoch is like that and in the blessings of longevity that many of these 10 men receive.

Maybe it is because I am tired, but my reaction here is like: "Okay, they were fruitful and they multiplied. These numbers of ages are probably significant, but since nobody really seems to know why, then I'll just leave them. So what else is there?" I know I'm complaining like a little child, but what is the point here?

For the time being, I guess I'll just file this passage away in my mind and move on. Perhaps the significance of the line will show up as I go through the rest of Genesis.

To Be Lifted Up

This is the text that I'm rolling around today in my mind, Genesis 4:6-7:

"The the LORD said to Canin, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.'"

Okay, so where to start here? Obviously, this is in the middle of the Cain and Abel story, before Cain has killed Abel. I guess maybe I should start with a couple of notes on the text that I have found, specifically about the words and language used. So the phrase "will you not be accepted" actually translates "will you not be lifted up" but that is more difficult to understand, so its been changed. One commentary said that instead of inferring acceptance from God, like the NIV translators believed it to mean, and it might be a lifting of the spirits, like feeling better about oneself.

That's an interesting comment I think, because we know Cain is not feeling good about himself. He is downcast and angry, because Abel's sacrifice has been deemed more appropriate. We also know that he has done something wrong, because God tells him that if he does what is right...this must mean he did something wrong. So Abel did something right, Cain did something wrong, and Cain is upset. His anger possibly comes from the same feeling we were just introduced to in the last chapter, which is shame.

I know that when I do not do right, and I know it, shame is quickly my reaction. And from there I become touchy and easily angered because I am indignant at first. I want to shrug off the sin but it affects my mood and all else. Let's just give an example to make this concrete. Let's say I'm struggling with lust, and then Courtney comes around. She can be as nice as ever and I'll have the nagging like "leave me alone" feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's conviction perhaps, but it doesn't feel nice and so I don't respond nicely. It's what Cain is doing here, but Cain let's it burn much harder.

Interesting then Your comment to Cain. If you do what is right, you'll feel better. How true is that? Even confession begins to lift the spirits. Doing what is right...

That phrase pops up other places in Scripture and I think it is interesting what it entails. In Isaiah 1:17 we see, "Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." And again in Jeremiah 7: 5-6, "If you really change your ways and actions and do right, if you do not oppress the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to you own harm..."

Look! It's all about loving others and loving God. It's ridiculous how often that comes up in Scripture! So, our spirits will be lifted as we take care of the others that are hurting around us and as we follow and cling to the one God, You. I've always said that the biggest enemy of our souls is ourselves, but here it is again laid out as what seems as plain as day. Cain is downcast and angry because he is comparing himself to Abel and falling short. Instead of thinking outside himself and "changing his actions" by loving others and by loving God, his solution is to indulge his selfishness.

Doens't that seem like the right thing to do, if you are feeling low and downcast and shamed that you should do something for yourself to pick your spirits up? Take a little time for yourself? Give yourself a little treat? But You, in Your awesomeness, You turn everything around. Feeling down? Go help somebody out. Feeling shame? Take some food to the widows. Downcast because you did something wrong? Go encourage someone who has been wronged and oppressed.

It's beautiful when I think about the glory of Your ways. The way You flip things from the way that we think they should be. It just reveals where Your true place is, and how much true reverence I should have towards You. Every time I come to this book and begin to see what You have laid before for us, even if it is simple, it seems so bold, so fresh, so challenging. That is why You are God above gods. Why You are Yahweh, almighty.

LORD God, the One I bring sacrifice to.
Please accept this time I've laid out before You.
Please accept this servant as I lay before You.
Please show me the oppressed that are before You.
Please show me how to help those before You.
Please lift up the downcast that are before You.
Please lift up the weak who are before You.
LORD God, the One I bring myself to.

The Right Response from Right Motivation?

LORD, this morning it is really hard for me to separate the blessing from the One who gave it. I keep rejoicing in the day that was yesterday, but it is hard for me to keep rejoicing in You. I am pretty sure its because I don't trust You. I know that sounds fairly blunt and to the point, but why not be. I don't trust that You will bless me with another day like yesterday. Why is that? Now I want so badly to win the Sectional, after the blessing of winning in the first round. I want so badly to be close to You, like I was all of the day yesterday...

The danger is that they are becoming entwined in my head. I keep wanting to think that if I stay close to You, if I do my devtions, if I type on this blog, if I read and study Genesis again, that You will bless me and my team again. The danger is that I keep wanting to believe in the "Pop machine" god where I put in what I owe and out pops a blessing. When my team won, I fear that I feel like a found a formula, a way to bring You to bless us. So now I find myself concentrating and worrying a whole lot more about the next match than I did for yesterday's, and again its consuming my thoughts. Freakin' tennis!

So let me give that to You again. Of course I want to win the Sectional, but more than that I want Your breath and the sweet balance of the last several days to flow through my life. I was fasting for several days to bring that balance back. Now I'm eating again. Should I fast again to try to maintain the balance? Or would that seem too much like I was trying to work the formula? I do want to be in relationship with You and maintain the proper fear-of-the-LORD. Help me to do just that.

Aww, I remember now! Last night before I went to bed I read Psalm 96 and said to myself, I need to read this tomorrow morning to just start my day out in the right way, to continue to build relationship. Here's Psalm 96:

Sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth.
Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all
peoples.

For great is the LORD and most worthy of
praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his
sanctuary.

Those are the first six verses, ones that just jumped out at me last night. Sing to the LORD, sing to You, sing praise. You know I have to admit that when our relationship is going really well, worship music seems a whole lot less corny. I do find it interesting that two of the main themes here are "singing/praising" and "declaring/proclaiming/ascribing." It's like the right response is to recognise You where You are, and to declare it to others? Or just declare within our own souls? I suppose that's a good question, but proclaiming certainly has a sense of going out, being heard by many.

So is my right response to Your blessing yesterday to proclaim it? To tell everyone of Your glorious blessing? And even if I do that, am I assuming that because I take the right response that You will bless again tomorrow? Am I bringing the right response BECAUSE I want You to bless tomorrow?

Okay, I guess here's the bottom line for me today. The right response seems to be to sing to You (which is not hard right now) so I'm going to do that. The right response seems to be to declare Your wonder and blessing, so I'm going to do that when I have the chance. Of course I want to win the Sectional, which coach doesn't? Is that part of my motivation? Probably. But should a hint of the wrong motivation keep me from making the right response? I don't think so.

Blessed are You, LORD,
God of the blessing.
You give and You give
and we take and take.
Lord God, help us to give back.
Help us to be a blessing,
for the sake of Your name.
All praise and thanks to You.
Amen.

In the Morning

Well, it's not in the morning at all. It's late at night and I can't sleep. It's been a really good day, absolutely gorgeous weather, spending time being outdoors for most of the morning, then the Sectional victory at night. Amazing. So tonight I can't sleep without stopping to give You praise. I don't always understand what Your hand does and what it doesn't do, but You are certainly breathing into my life right now. The way You made the air so perfect today, shaped the grove of trees I taught archery in, helped my players believe in the skills we've worked on. Unbelievable.

No wonder so many songs talk about You being worthy of praise. That's undeniable on good days like this. (As I type this, I suddenly have this fear that now You're going to put me through some bad days to test me and see if I still think You're worthy of praise on days like that. Don't, please...)

What I actually got on here to say to You tonight is how much I've enjoyed our mornings together this week. Who knows why I ever got away from them. But as I read a psalm to Gideon tonight, I just thought of what a joy it has been to wake up to You this week.

Psalm 5:3, 7
In the morning, LORD, your hear my
voice;
In the morning I lay my requests
before you
and wait expectantly...

But I, by your great love,
can come into your house;
in reverence I bow down
toward your holy temple.

Yes, in the morning...it's been all week that You have heard my voice in the morning. And what have You heard me singing? "Strength will rise as we WAIT upon the LORD." Yes I am waiting expectantly from morning til night from a wisp of Your breath.

And my response? Right now I want to acknowledge that it is by Your love that I come to You. I was listening to a song on the way to work this morning, singing and almost crying with emotion because the words were so true and hit me just right. "Your love endures my back to it." Yes, though I've been so focused on other things over the past several weeks, Your love has endured through it. Even though my back was turned and I was hiding, Your love endured.

So now, in reverence I bow before You. I want to give You Your proper place in my life - in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul: Be first, be above all, be what I am taking my meaning in. And I know that this comes out of a real good day, but with a passion filled heart I say: I love You.

Nakedness, Shame, and Sin

Let's skip ahead to the fall of man. My interest is in this being naked part. Not in the normal perverted way but...why is it nakedness that they are suddenly aware of and ashamed of? I mean, why isn't it something like shame over the fact that they did what God told them not to? When You were walking through the garden, hoping to walk and talk with Adam and Eve, they hide and they are afraid because they are naked. That's weird.

They had never known anything but being naked, and so even if "their eyes were opened," what is the deal with nakedness? Plus, just to continue questioning here, what does it mean that You made garments of skin for them? Is that animal skin or did humans not have physical skin before the fall (which is kind of weird to think about)?

Last question, then maybe I'll look for some thoughts about these questions: And the LORD God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good from evil." It doesn't say anything about the man doing evil before this, just that he didn't know the difference between good and evil. Does that mean that the man could have been doing evil, and because he didn't know that was forgivable. Maybe this ties together in a weird way with the nakedness.

When he was naked, and didn't know the difference between good and evil, man was most likely completely honest with You. He wouldn't have even know if he had a reason not to be. He didn't feel shame over any of his actions, so he didn't need to hide anything from You? So even if he was doing wrong in any case, it wasn't hidden, protected, silent, and thus growing. He would have been much easier to correct as well. So perhaps this nakedness (actually, the way the Bible layers on meaning, I'm sure this is part of it) is symbolic of a complete openness and honesty with God.

When I feel shame I certainly hide it from You. That's why confession ends up feeling so good. It's a chance to be naked again, to walk in the garden. Then there is nothing to hide, I've shared it all and that's all I can do. So today I'm feeling pretty good, because yesterday I kind of gave a rundown to the other pastors at Exodus Community of where I'm at in all sorts of situations.

But can I confess to You that's there is a whole lot more that I'm ashamed of? I'm ashamed of the way I treated You during tennis season. I'm ashamed of the way I view some of my students at school. I'm ashamed of the way I coach sometimes, that I don't demand perfection like other coaches do. I'm ashamed of the way I'm teaching Bible, because the students don't seem to care. I'm ashamed of a lot of things...many that I don't know how to change.

But I'm going to be naked before You today. I had a dream last night that I was walking around my classroom at school, completely naked and all the students were there. But nobody was feeling ashamed. Maybe it was symbolic like this story from Genesis, complete honesty seems scary, but in the end nobody feels ashamed. So here goes complete honesty in our relationship for the day...and then hopefully continuing on.

Great Father of Creation,
Blessed are You, the LORD.
You are calm and patient
when we are sinful and honest.
You are calling and hopeful
when we are walking away.
You are ready and able
when we acknowledge Your presence.
You are God above all
whether we know You or not.
Bring into to the blessing
of a naked walk with You.
Let me take that blessing
and pour it out into the land.
Amen.

We Will Wait Upon the Lord

Lord, I woke up this morning singing a song to You. There is a hope in my heart right now that I have not felt for a little while. Maybe it is because tennis season is nearing its close. Maybe its because You are showing Yourself to be very good right now in my life. Maybe its because I've been back in the Scriptures, feeling closer to the God of hope.

It's not as if I was despairing before. Its just that I'd lost a bit of my regular optimism. That's easy to have happen when You watch a lot of things that are important to You (tennis matches) not go the way You wanted them to. Its only even now as I type that that I realize how big of a deal tennis is to me. And why not? I get a lot of validation for the work that I do with the students. Probably more validation than any other thing that I do. Hence, I feel like it is the part of my life that I handle the best. Probably the part then that I leave You out of the most, therefore the disconnection that I've felt with You during the season.

A long time ago I wrote about giving up the good. How do I give up the good in tennis? Do You know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to quit (although, I guess if that were the only way I'd have to do some serious thinking about it). Is there another way to give up the good? To give You the credit maybe?

Well, that's something I'll continue to ponder probably. I still want the tennis season to end well. Probably my deepest desire for the end of this season is that we'd walk away with a win in Sectional. I'd even take a first round win but of course I think would could compete for the whole darn title. I've felt myself recently wanting to do "spiritual" things so maybe You'd repay me by letting the team do well at Sectional. Its funny because before the season I wrote a devotional for the team talking about how that isn't the way that You necessarily work, that we shouldn't expect it. But I want to expect it. I want You to act like that. I want You to help us win the Sectional.

Is that ridiculous? I don't know. I don't want it to be my motivation, and slowing it's becoming not the case. But it's always there in the back of my mind.

The song that I woke with this morning was "Everlasting God." I used to not like this song when we sang it at River Oaks, but after doing more study on waiting, and singing with the Exodus Community, I'm beginning to love it. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." I am waiting this morning for You. I have a lot of things on my plate for the next several weeks, between Sectionals, baby showers, pastor's retreats, and simply being the leader You've called me to. I'm going to need strength. Let it rise, let me feel Your breath through the physical things I do today - teaching, coaching, being a husband. Continue to breathe in me the hope that delivers and leads us into a place of strength.

"Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong Deliverer!"

Out of Nothing or Out of Dust?

So I'm questioning verse 27 of Genesis chapter 1 today. It's a really beautiful break of poetry in the story of creation, very much like the rest of the Bible in that it is repeating and very rhythmic if said in Hebrew it seems. The only reason I went to see what the Hebrew was on the verse was because I wanted to see what it meant to be formed in the image of God. I mean, I know what I've always been told, but I just wanted to see why, or if what I've been told was wrong. So here's Genesis 1:27.

In Engish:
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

In Hebrew:
Elohim bara adam tselem
Tselem elohim bara
Zakar neqebah bara

So actually when I started investigating this verse, something altogether different jumped out at me. Bara. I know that I've been like all over studying this verb, but then that's probably why it's jumping out at me when I see it. It's one of those few Hebrew words that I actually have a bit of understanding for, all for its full use. Like, I know that bara is almost always translated as "create" and that the actually meaning of the word is something like to create out of nothing. Like I said the other day:

"I've found that it really indicates that something was created where nothing was before. So when You bara' the heavens and the earth, You weren't taking pieces of something and fashioning it into another thing. You were making matter, brand new."

So here it is really interesting that the word bara is used in the creation of man, because we KNOW that You used dirt to create us. That You DID fashion man out of something. That You DID take matter that You'd already created and mold it together to make humans.

Now this seems significant to me, but maybe its not. It seems to me that when we were made in God's image, when You bara'ed us, made us from nothing this was not our physical bodies. This was the part of us that is most truly us, our emotions, our feelings, our intellect, our heart...to sum it all up: our soul. That is the part that is made in Your image.

Then You took the dust of the earth and formed our physical bodies. The word for making man from the dust is yatsar, not bara. The breathing into us was the bara. That's where life comes from. That's why we will never be able to create life from nothing ourselves. You are the one who bara's it. You are the one who gives us soul.

I will rejoice in my soul, the part of me that is like You, today.

Dirt and Breath

This isn't really a new thought, but I think it is really important in any study that I'm doing to point out some understandings that have been and continue to be significant to me. Lord, it's so amazing the thought behind creation and what it means, and how we see it play out even now.

The thing about creation of man that always gets me is how we are half physical, half spiritual. Formed from the dirt, breathed into by Your breath, Your spirit. It's something that has not gone unnoticed by the Christian community recently, as I've heard Rob Bell talk about that, David Crowder has the song "A Beautiful Collision" when this physical and spiritual, when heaven and earth collide. But the meaning behind this is intense.

What I see, is that if I am half physical and half spiritual, to be fully human I must make sure that I am attentive to both needs equally. There is no doubt that the physical life often takes precedence for me: what I am going to eat, what I am going to do, what is going to be pleasurable, what is going to be painful, etc. But how often do I try to balance that with what is important to You, the spiritual?

It's only when there is a balance that I am truly living rightly. Going way back to another one of my blog thoughts last winter, this is probably why we are often instructed by You to sacrifice the physical things that are good. Because they put too much of our attention back on the physical. And we forget to live with our other half.

And just think, it's not really possible for us to be alive without both halves. If You don't take the dust to be formed, we never take shape and never come into being. At the same time, if You don't blow into us we never come alive either.

So where do I find myself this evening/morning? Wondering how I live so blindly to this reality all the time. I have found myself most balanced when I denied the physical almost altogether (when I was fasting). That maybe should be a sign to me of how drastically I must cut back my physical thoughts and actions, and how much the spiritual is lagging behind. What's difficult is to separate myself from all the freaking busy-ness, because the spiritual cannot be attended to well in noise and rush.

So now Lord, even today, less noise, less rush, please, more breath!

UPDATE: As I thought about this through the day yesterday Lord, I realized that maybe there are other solutions as well. For example, when I am heavily involved in the physical things, maybe I can invite Your breath into those. However, I want to be wary of just believing I can keep up the pace at which I live and somehow slow my thoughts enough to bring You in.

By the way, I'm going on a mini-fast this week to remind myself of this reality. Hopefully it will jump start the spiritual to balance it with the physical. I hear You calling me to it, and I don't want to deny that call anymore.

And God Said

Creation has to be one of the coolest stories ever. #1, it's totally unbelievable. Example of that would be that much of the scientific community still will not believe it. I mean, there is something that is coming out of nothing. As I've continued to study the word bara' I've found that it really indicates that something was created where nothing was before. So when You bara' the heavens and the earth, You weren't taking pieces of something and fashioning it into another thing. You were making matter, brand new. That's not possible. That's why it's so awesome.

The Spirit of God (Elohim) is a really interesting thing to me today. It's not something big that I noticed in my study, just small. It's really just one line. The Spirit of God hovering over the waters is meant to indicate that it is God ready for action.

That's just a cool image to me. I relate to sports I guess. As I've coached tennis I continue to preach to the players the importance of ready feet. It's something inspiring to me to see a confident tennis player standing on the baseline, staring down his opponent and bouncing those feet around, ready for the point, ready for the battle. That's the sense I get when I read this. You're there, kind of like stretching out, cracking Your knuckles, rolling up Your sleeves, sly grin on Your face. You know what You're about to do, and You know it's going to be amazing.

Then BOOM! The action comes and its...what? God speaking? That's not very exciting. Why not a God fight, You like the Babylonians. The gods stab each other and the blood falls to the earth and begins creation. That, that is awesome! That is spectacular! That is false.

LORD, You are amazing at flipping things on their head. I know that if You asked my middle schoolers what the most boring lessons are, they would say it is when we just talk. But I've always felt differently. I can feel my heart move when we talk. And You have always defined action differently. There is action and power in speech.

And so there You are, ready for action, hovering over the deep, and You speak. And it is gorgeous. You speak creation. It flows out and covers the earth. You speak and You separate, You speak and the lights shine, You speak and creatures appear, You speak and decide to create us.

Let Your words fall afresh on me today LORD, creating a new spirit and new dedication.

I Don't Have Time/Didn't Want To...

Frustrating when all the things that I have to do get in the way of the things that I want to do, then when I get done with the things I have to do I don't want to do the things that I wanted to do before. So, maybe today I'll get back to posting.

Light and Darkness

So Lord, I'm picking up my study from where I left off yesterday, which was basically just the first verse of Genesis. I've already explored how You are pure creation and creativity, the genesis of all inspiration. Also, I've looked at the question of what was happening before creation of the earth, and found one rabbi who would say I'm not to speculate on that.

My second thought upon diving into Genesis 1 is about light. Genesis 1, verses 3-4 read:

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

So, the question is, You saw that the light was good, but what about the dark? Are we to assume that the dark is good because in verse 2 darkness was over the surface of the deep. Maybe a better question, is darkness natural and light simply better? Why does the author of this opening creation poem take the time to say that You saw the light was good, but not to say that the darkness was good as well.

It becomes even more interesting as we look at the images of light throughout the rest of Scripture. Darkness is portrayed as lack of knowledge, evil...while light is certainly a continued metaphor for goodness. Light of the world, the pillar of fire bringing light to the Israelites, that You will dwell with us and be the light, etc. So is darkness evil?

Maybe an even better question is where did darkness come from? Because at the beginning of the story, darkness is already there. What the text in Genesis 1 indicates is that God spoke light into creation, and then separated light and dark. There is no indication that You created the darkness. So was that just something previous to the story that we don't need to speculate about? A creation that came from You, just earlier than this account? Or might there be another creative force in the world creating darkness?

Some rabbis I found discussing this on the net note that darkness is simply the absence of light. It is not created but caused. When there is no light, there is darkness. It's an effect not something that is made ("What Creation and Darkness Have in Common," Believing is Knowing)

What is interesting there is the discussion of language. In Isaiah 45:7, we have this on the creation of light and darkness (You are the speaker):

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.

The Hebrew word for create in this passage is bara'. This, very interestingly, is the same word used in the creation narrative: In the beginning, God bara' the heavens and the earth. Now this is suddenly disturbing to me Lord. You created darkness, okay I can deal with that. But on the flip side of this passage is that You create disaster, or evil as other translations have it.

The rabbis that I found discussing this language, this usage of bara' say that bara' is used when something comes from nothing. You bara' the heavens and the earth because they were pure creation, they didn't come from anywhere. You bara' darkness and disaster because they suddenly appear when there is nothingness, in other words when there is a lack of light or a lack of goodness.

I don't know. I am certainly intrigued by the lack of light makes darkness, the lack of goodness creates disaster argument. Mainly it is interesting because it puts the emphasis back upon being a light and being a blessing in order to prevent darkness and disaster. But even if this is the case, then light and goodness should have been first, and then when they were gone we would discover darkness and disaster. The nothingness shouldn't come first, should it? And we know that darkness was first over the deep in Scripture.

Well, this has been an interesting study for now. Maybe this is why I'm not supposed to speculate about things before the story starts, it's too hard. I know this must have been a confusing read for anyone trying to. Sorry, that's how my thoughts have gone today. Back to the text tomorrow!

Torah Study

A good place for a new beginning, right? So instead of reading straight through the Bible, or going through in chronological order in a year, I've decided to slow the pace of my Bible study for a time. I'm going to take one section of books and try to delve a little bit deeper into my questions, make a little analysis, etc. I figured the best place to start would be the books of Moses, so here we go. Well, actually, You saw that I kind of started musing about this on Friday, wondering at what a pure creator You are, but anyways...

So here we really begin, at the true beginning. It is however, interesting to note that this is not where the Israelites begin counting the years of their existence, as we just saw in Exodus Community that this starts after the Passover event. My first question in coming to this text was this: What was going on before this? If You are from long ago, then what were You doing before You created the earth? Where were You hanging out in Your little three-in-one community of love? Even now, as I think back to Joel's sermon and Greg Boyd's teaching at Mars, You don't claim the earth as Your dwelling place alone. So where are You dwelling? Where were You dwelling?

Interesting rabbinical commentary that I found on the net. It notes that the first letter of the text, Bet or ב , is closed on three sides. According to midrash, a Jewish compilation of teachings, this is because we as humans should only worry about the story here going forward, not in the other three directions. Practically meaning that I shouldn't speculate about the Your beginnings or whatever preceded creation. That's a fascinating idea, looking at the very form of the letter itself to find some interpretation, but I'm not sure its enough to keep the thoughts from rolling around in my head.

A Re-Birth

I've been so frustrated lately with the lack of direction in my devotional times Lord. Alright, I admit that with the time crunch that is tennis season, I've had a difficult task in even making time for our daily chats (as is evidenced by my lack of posts). I want to start afresh and anew, but with every attempt to do that I've found that it's usually just words.

Last week, I did a teaching on Passover. It was an eye-opening teaching for myself, seeing all the ways You connecting this original event to the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. But the point that really was amazing to me was the idea of Passover as a re-birth. A new beginning. You instructed the Israelites to start counting their years from the day of Passover. They were given a fresh start.

When I come to You in repentance, I often don't feel like it's a fresh start. I feel like I've done something wrong and I owe You. For example, without consistent time in the Word, I am beginning to feel guilty. I feel like I owe it to You to spend that time in the Word. But just by feeling like I owe that to You, it all becomes a chore instead of a joy. When I fasted, when I started this online conversation with You, these times were a joy, not a chore, not something I had to do. Now even prayer seems difficult, even just reading is joyless.

So its with this shame and guilt that I come into repentance, and it is with shame and guilt that I leave. And shame and guilt are not a powerful motivator. I've learned at school, as we try to figure out a new direction for the school to go, that if you focus on the things that need to change, they actually don't change too much and the whole thing ends up dying. But if you keep attention on where you want to be, what it will look like if you change, that's a much more powerful motivation.

So what do I want to look like at the end of this week? At the end of the month? When Gideon is born? When the church grows a bit more? When I'm the Bible teacher (and not math) at Bethany? Where do I want my energy to truly flow from?

I know what I want to look like today. I want to be re-born. I want to be passed over, protected from the wrath I fear. I want to enter into safety by the blood-stained door and then be sent out in the morning into freedom. Give me this clean sheet, grant me the peace to rest in a re-birth.

In the Beginning...

God created the heavens and the earth. Why?

That's a good question to ask. I've asked before about why You bothered creating man, especially with all the questions that the sin and fall of man brings to mind. But why even create in the first place?

Were You bored? I know in my teaching, some of the best doodling done is during my most boring lessons. But the boredom isn't really the cause of that doodling is it? No, the boredom is the opportunity. They don't feel like they need to pay attention to me or the lesson, so their minds are freed to roam, and become creative.

So what is the inspiration? I mean, when we create as humans, we often have some type of inspiration. I write a poem because of a thought that Scripture has given me, or a student has inspired me, or a dog ran across the road. But what inspired You? There was nothingness before You spoke...

Where did green come from? I see it in the trees, grass, hills, skies, and flowers all around me, but how did You come up with that shade? I know that You were full of love when creating, that You said it was all good but what gave You the idea for valleys, plains and mountains? For sunshine, rain, and lightning? What inspired Your design for cats, Gaby, Courtney, Gideon, anyone?

A.W. Tozer says that everything that You are, You are purely. You are the beginning of every trait and element.

At the beginning, You are amazingly pure creation.

It's Been a Long Time

It's been a long time since I've been in this space with the LORD. And I've seen the consequences. Less focus, less drive, less communion. What a sorrowful separation it has been. I think of the times when Court and I have been emotionally distant just because we're not involving each other in the day-to-day of life. That's where I am with You right now as well. You are not feeling the day-to-day of my life, and I am not feeling You in my day very often.

I know it is because my eyes and heart are not open. I know it is because discouragement has crept up and into my mind. I know it is because I pursue the things where I feel I am having success instead of addressing the areas that obviously need change. I know it's because I've adopted a comfortably outward theology while still living a comfortably inward lifestyle.

It's amazing the damages that my life feels from the distance. I haven't written a poem since last May, with all the inspiration of summer I am lacking inspiration from You. I haven't finished a book since early Spring, my knowledge and my thirst for it have all been sufficiently stifled. This is not the image I wish to see myself as. I want to be relentlessly pursuing You. I have not been.

How do I become relentless? That's an interesting quality that I would not pick to describe myself as in the least. It sounds somewhat negative. And yet...You are very good at taking negatives, weaknesses and turning them upside down. Perhaps my heart's desire is to be relentless.

When I think of my son, coming in only four more months, and I think of the model that I want to set for him, what does it look like? When he is 25, what will he say his dad was like? What do I want him to say?

Well, loving I suppose is the obvious one...but not to sound arrogant, I know I am going to be a great lover of my children. But that's not all I want to be. Relentless in my pursuit of God, my Lord, the LORD. You. I hope that my son's model for being a man is one defined, wrapped in, dripping with a relentless pursuit of the one and only LORD.

How can I be more relentless? Well...priorities. You and Your way must be in the forefront. Not tennis, not Exodus, not Gideon, not school, not sin. But again, defining myself by what I shouldn't do doesn't always work all that well. So enough not's, as true as they are. What are the do's? What should I pursue?

It's always good to start with the Word, for my journey with Christ starts with those texts. But prayer is always right behind. Yet, I think the key definitely lies in creation and action. It is creation now that I'm lacking, and that holds the spice. I need to honor You with my creativity and with my thoughts. I must hold You there first. So back to the poems, back to the creative Bible lessons, sermons, chapels. Now I am getting excited once again!

A Bit Overwhelmed

I love to teach. I love to teach Your word. But I am really nervous tonight for speaking tomorrow. You've given some wonderful insight on the Exodus 4 passage to our teaching group. It's fun, it's witty, it's probably my favorite little piece of Scripture. But it's kind of scary to try to show everyone else that.

I don't really know why I'm posting. I guess, I just want to give all control of tomorrow to You. We've had a great week together and I would love for it to end with a great big smile on my face after Sunday. And I want that smile to be because we've all heard from and worshipped You together.

So I am a bit overwhlelmed, but You are with me. As long as You are there tomorrow, I'll be okay.

Just make sure that You, Yourself, are with me in my mouth...!

Therefore...

Lord, as I prepare this week to speak to the others in Exodus Community in a sermon for the first time, I want to make sure (well, I guess every time after this I want to make sure to but, well, you know) that what I'm saying is simply what You are saying. Nothing that is meant to just be shocking, nothing that is just meant to rattle people's cages...unless that's what the truth is. I guess I'm saying, help me speak Your truth and nothing else.

I don't mean to be humble. I don't mean this in the way that I pray a prayer for Courtney or I to get a job or better from sickness just because I feel like if I don't pray then You won't let us get a job or feel better. No I pray this because I know only You can take my words and make something greater of them. Without Your Spirit, the words will fall where they will and continuing being just words. But through You, through Christ, the Word lives.

All that to say, I'm studying one word in particular and I want to make sure that I get this word right. It's kind of the title of my sermon, and maybe I was a little premature in naming it, because I'm finding it really means something totally different than I originally thought. It's the word "go" and it's in the context of Matthew 28:19...

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,"

I thought it meant go, like leave where you are and go somewhere else. Not in the sense of, for example, moving from my home to some place else. No, instead, more in the sense of leave what you are doing right now, the lifestyle you are living right now, the people you are always worried about, the self you are always worried about and "go" to many different types of people.

But I looked the verb up in a Greek dictionary. It's the word "poreuqente" in Greek, a form of poreuomai. Poreuomai has this definition, offered up by www.greekbible.com: to pursue the journey on which one has entered, to continue on one's journey.

To continue...to keep doing what you are doing...that seems totally different to me. It seems like a big miss of translation too. I mean, it makes total sense. Instead of going all over the place and making new relationships all over with the goal of making disciples, work within the relationships you already have established, the places you already know, and make disciples there. Teach and show Christ there. Be Christ where you are at, wherever that is on your journey.

It's very thought-provoking stuff to me. I pray that You reveal to me the truth of this translation and its implications as I continue to study. Then let it be as impactful on others as it is becoming for me.

Room to Speak

First of all, let me just say that keeping up a blog, even if it is supposed to be communication between You and me, is hard work. There just doesn't seem to be that much to talk about, even with You.

But this week, ever since studying Scripture with my pastor buddies on Monday night, Your simple (and simply overwhelming) "I am" statement has been just banging around my head. Not in the gentle, "Hum, I wonder..." type of way but in the sledgehammer strong "I demand some answers!" type of thought. Where better to go for answers than some dialogue with You.

(An honest aside: I've come to not really expect straightforward answers from You, but more questions leading me into different trains of thought, provoking more questions...invigorating maybe, but in some sense making things more difficult and confusing in the end. Another thing I've come to notice is that You end up directing me back to some truth that is already present in my life, just not fully developed, appreciated, obeyed or understood.)

(Okay, another honest aside: I've often heard that confession is necessary to kind of clear the air before you have honest discussions with You, God. Well, I've got a couple of confessions to make up for all the time I've not exactly been talking with You. Number one: I've become convinced that You want to be number one in every one's life, and I know that often You've been pushed out of the way lately by many things. Okay, here's the list: pride, sexual sin, sports, laziness, simple distractions, contempt, disinterest. All those things have become more important to me than You. Clear them away. Help me fast from them for awhile, or whatever works. Number two: I still care more about what others think about me than what You want from me.)

But...

You've got to make it clear what You want from me.

I know exactly what pride wants. It wants me to do everything my way and then make sure I get the credit. Or let someone else do everything their way, shirk the blame, and tell everyone how I could have done it better. It happens to me with the tennis program at school. It happens within our Exodus Community gatherings. Point being, it messes with things I really want to succeed. But, I know exactly what to do to be prideful.

Or sexual sin. It wants to be gratified. Whatever way that takes. Making my wife an object, masturbation, pornography, etc. I know that any of these will do. I know exactly what to do.

Or sports. I just need to be involved. Tape the game, talk to people about, visit websites and get the inside scoop. Lose myself into all the minute details of the Chicago Fire, or French Open Championships, or Bethany tennis. I know what it wants.

So what do You want?

Last week on vacation I asked this question, and it seemed that You gave two vague answers.

1. My relationship to You, and to doing Your will, is to be Your servant. To help in the acts that You are already involved in.

2. My job is often to be still and the go fill. That sounds stupid and pragmatic, but I got to admit that it is easy to remember.

Okay, so I guess I do have some answers...but I don't really know how to use them. Okay, I'm supposed to be Your servant. I was so convinced of this that I told everyone in the Exodus Community that that is what we're all supposed to be. And I believe that. I just don't exactly know what it is that we are supposed to serve you in. And be still...okay, just right where I am? Or go down to the dam? Or sit outside? And what am I listening for anyways? Or am I not supposed to listen, just sit and be still and try to think of nothing (which seems literally impossible)? And then fill...wait, what? And specifically, who? And again, once I've got the who, how?

What I know, what I appreciate, is that You are insanely personal. I know You want to work through this with me. And what occurs to me from the "I am" statement is that "You are" working through this with me. Just never as clearly as I may like.

Well, that seemed to be a bunch of madness explaining little. But after having this little piece of honesty with You, I've said my say. All that's been building up in me is out there. So now I'll end this little piece and listen.

I hope You have room to speak.

Remember the Poor

Just an interesting observation today as I read through Galatians. Paul is defending the simple gospel that he preached to the believers in Galatia, saying that if somebody is preaching something different, they are wrong. So Paul goes through a process of backing up his version of the gospel, showing how those with authority and those who were highly esteemed by the early church approved of what he was saying.

Interesting then, that the one thing these early church leaders reminded Paul must not be left out of his gospel message: "Remember the poor." Paul was preaching a gospel of freedom from the law by living in the grace of Christ, but the one thing that the apostles wanted to make sure also was conveyed was that the poor in the community must be provided for. It is, apparently, an essential part of the gospel, an essential part of Jesus' truth.

It's sad then to look at the state of American Christianity. We have embraced Paul's theme of freedom from the law, the forgiveness of sin through Christ. But have we ever forgotten the poor. We have more wealth in this country than we know what to do with. So we buy bigger houses, bigger TVs, newer... anyways, I'm on a silly rant right now. How well do I remember the poor?

I like to console myself by the fact that I volunteer, support a Compassion child, etc. But is that remembering the poor in the way that God calls us to? I don't really ever feel so. My biggest problem is my fear of the poor. I never grew up around anyone who wasn't well taken care of. It makes me really nervous and uncomfortable to be around less refined, less educated, less fortunate people. How awful is that! I mean it seriously shames me.

But I do nothing about it. Because it really does scare me. It a ridiculous little circle. Fear and no action, fear and no action. But the fear-of-the-Lord is to be stronger than my fears. Can I let it be stronger than my fear of the poor? Can I form relationships and remember those who struggle...

I'm afraid I want to answer: "Probably not..."

I Will Be With You Through the Rain

Went for a walk this morning, just to commune with You, talk to You. About 5 minutes into my walk it started pouring. I stopped under a tree for a while, and despite the pouring, drenching rain all around, I didn't get wet at all. Still, it was just cascading down when I wanted to be on a walk with You.

You spoke real soft at first, then as if I was really supposed to listen, "I will be with you through the rain." It was simple, it was gentle, it has huge implications. None of which I really know yet except...

There's going to be rain.

And God, You will be with me.

Let it be...

Why is Prayer Difficult?

Lord, I've had a lot of big things on my plate this month. Exciting news, grading deadlines, the beginning of the Exodus Community gatherings (this Sunday!). The one thing I should be doing is constantly taking these things before You in prayer. The one thing I've been the furthest from doing is taking these things before You in constant prayer.

There's so much that I'd rather do to be "spiritual." I mean to seek You. I'd rather study, gleaning bits of knowledge from the pages of Scripture and the writings of wise interpreters. I'd rather write, for much of my time in the fast and after was spent here blogging my thoughts. I'd rather write poetry, a creative (but often frustrating) way of reaching out. I'd rather teach, and try to bring others to the same points of insight that I've received from You. I'd rather go for a walk, peaceful and relaxed without any real cares.

And those are all ways of worship, but there is something different about prayer. Isn't there?

Like should I be praying in addition to all that? I just keep having this continual sense that maybe we should have a prayer meeting, for prayer only, where we pray for like an hour or two and wait for You to join us. But then that seems really boring, feels like we'd be repeating ourselves, feels like there isn't that much important to be prayed for.

Well, maybe there is the rub. Maybe we're not just supposed to pray about important things. I've often heard it said that we supposed to bring everything to the Lord in prayer. But like, just an example here, I can handle my sleeping by myself. Or my eating (I'm really lax at praying before I eat, especially lunch). It just doesn't seem important enough to pray.

I suppose, and I say this with a long sigh, that prayer is another practice. Something that I must do if I want to better at it, if I want it to become more meaningful. I guess I just don't want to go through the work that ends up making it a joy. I just want it to be a joy right now. Like my Scripture time, or my poetry, or my teaching.

Today Lord, may You make prayer a joy for me. May You talk with me as in the garden, may You walk with me in my un-important tasks, and may I remember that You are always there.

Shema and Crucifixion

Asked what the greatest commandment was, Jesus responded without hesitation: "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." In Hebrew, this is known as the Shema, which is simply the first Hebrew word in the phrase. It is obviously one of the most important statements in the Scriptures, and it should be made even more important to Christians as Jesus picks it out as the most important commandment.

This statement is so wrapped in layers of meaning, from the LORD is one to how we are to love the LORD. What stands out to me is that we are to love the LORD with heart and soul and strength. Basically we need to love God with our whole beings. To break it down a bit, heart is where our emotions and our desires and our will comes from. In Hebrew, it is actually very closely related to our mind. Strength is our body and all of our physicality. Soul, in ancient Hebrew belief, is actually the unity of the emotions, desires, thoughts, character, and so on as the whole person. So love the LORD our God with our whole beings.

So, if Jesus knew this was the greatest command, it's logical to think that He would orient his ministry towards the goal of making it possible. Making it possible for people, humans, to love the LORD with their whole beings, body, mind, and soul.

The more and more I read through the gospels the more that this is simply jumping all over me. Awhile ago I wondered about Jesus' miracles, healings, exorcisms and other radical things that he did that seem so beyond me. Now as I look at that stuff through a different lens, the lens of the Shema, I see that the miracles are meant to change people's minds, to allow them to see that God is God and God is all powerful. That God is the only God. That's why John calls the miracles "signs." They are not just about the miraculous thing that gets done, they are about what the miraculous thing points to. Miracles deliver peoples' minds and hearts and set them on the LORD.

And healings. Healings deliver peoples' bodies, their strength. A blind man, a crippled man, a leprous man, a bleeding woman, these people all have bodily problems that may separate them from worshipping with their whole bodies. A blind man cannot worship the LORD who provided the lush forests and magnificent mountains. A crippled man cannot worship the LORD who gave him speed and dexterity. And so on. Jesus delivers peoples' bodies.

And souls. The wholeness of a person. The seat of their "spirit." Traditionally, we think that this is what Jesus died on the cross for. And it is. But I don't think that it is only in the sense of "so we can go to heaven and be with Him." Soul, in the Shema sense, is the unity of body and mind, strength and heart.

So I think that Jesus came, lived, and died so that salvation could be brought to our heart, strength and soul. So that we could understand and be free to worship the LORD, to love the LORD, with our bodies, minds, and souls.

That seems to make sense to me, and it really helps me understand why Jesus does what he does...don't know how it was explained though. Or what to do with that now.

Lord, I know that You are the LORD. Help me to live in a way that teaches others You are the one LORD, that inspires others to serve You with their strengths, and invites others into the wholeness of Your salvation.

Return

I've been away from this for too long. Honestly, it was refreshing for awhile to not have to post everyday. As I seek after the You, I just wanted to focus and hear You. When I came to posting I felt like I was trying to explain You or get something special. So as I took some time away it just got harder and harder to stay focused. I kept up with the texts, but they didn't mean as much without this space to work through it all. But any time I actually had time to work through stuff, I didn't really want to engage You at all.

Why does this always happen? These times of disinterest? These times of no motivation? When my praise for You should be high, coming up on a time that I will need You most, it seems that I've been the least interested in actually seeking You. I would say that this month has been the most insanely busy month for me in a while. Of course, then we could start questioning my priorities, which would be very fair. They are obviously out of order.

So, today I'm here again. Speak today, through the Scriptures or elsewise. Not so that I have something to post, but instead so that we have something to share together Lord. Return in power to my life as I make the effort to return to You.

Water to Wine

Listening recently to Rob Bell talking about wine and heaven, a thought struck me that seems to come right from what we've been thinking about lately. The D.C.K.L. and how God acts in response to it.

In the miracle of changing water into wine, the text actually never says that Jesus changes water into wine. That's how we talk about it, and that's fine, but it really doesn't say that Jesus did anything to accomplish the miracle. The story reads like this: Mary says to do what Jesus says, Jesus tells the servants what to do, they do it, the water is wine somehow.

I connect that with something I read in "The Gospel According to Moses," by Athol Dickson, which says that Jesus is the Word, the Law, the Old and the New Testament, all of it from beginning to end, and I've got a new thought rolling around my mind involving the D.C.K.L.

As I've said before I believe that the sequence of deliverance, community, knowledge, and land (D.C.K.L.) is the pattern of living that we live out to prepare the way for God. It's the biblical way that has been shown to us throughout Scripture. If we accept that Jesus is the Word, all of it, from beginning to end, then it is what Jesus is telling us to do.

Now here is where we connect to the water to wine story. Jesus told the servants what to do and they did it. Then, somehow, the water was turned to wine. When the master of ceremonies tasted it, he remarked what a great wine it was. Who actually changed the water to wine? The servants certainly don't take credit for it. Jesus never touched the wine. What turned the molecules into wine? How does that happen?

We don't know. We don't need to know. What we do know is who did it. God. There is no doubt. The servants didn't, Mary didn't, the master of ceremonies didn't. This only leaves us with God. Jesus told the servants what to do, they did it, and God worked.

This is how I believe salvation works. Jesus (the Word) has told us what to do. We need to do it, to prepare the way. Then God works. We don't know how, we don't know all the steps, but in the end, salvation is accomplished.

Lord, may I live with this knowledge in mind daily, aware of my chances to deliver, to provide care and community, to help people see and know You, to bring Your realm of power right here, right into this earth. May salvation be accomplished by You, in whatever way You do it.