EXC Daily Office: I Am Not, But You Are

Psalm 131

It's been fairly obvious to me what You've been reminding me of this week.  I hear it everywhere when I start to listen.  I added some new songs to my worship playlist on my iPod today, and one of those songs is called "---" by My Epic.  These are the lyrics:

These bones, my frame, won’t hold in place

They’d leave and part ways
If I was without you
This earth, my home, would be alone
There’d be no moon to share the galaxy
If it was without you

My God. I am not, but you are.

What was it like when you prayed
Did the rivers calm when the raging seas obeyed?
What was it like when you slept
Did the rocks come close and the trees lean in
And did the air rejoice just to be your breath?

My God. I am not, but you are.

When your servant tried to ask your name
But a million words could not contain
And the meaning could not be expressed
For the weight would be too much to take
So you cradled him, like you cradle me and whispered
I am

Oh My God! I am not, but you are.

What a way to sum up the week.  Oh my God, I am not, but You are.  

My prayer

Oh my God, I am not, but You are.  

My heart cannot be proud, 

for it only beats because of You.

My eyes cannot be haughty,

for it can only see what Your hands have made.

I cannot concern myself with great matters,

because You are too wonderful for me.

Have I quieted myself?

Have I calmed my ambitions?

I want to listen to You, and speak only of You,

and live only in You.

My hope must be in You,

for You have placed the world in place,

and You are the reality.

Oh my God, I am not, but You are.

I love You.

EXC Daily Office: Humility Forms Hope

Lamentations 3:25-29

I watched a movie at the beginning of May called A Closer Walk. It was a movie about the people all around the world that are affected by AIDS. As I left that movie, I remember one thing standing out. The people who fall victim to the risky behaviors that spread AIDS are the people who have no hope.

I always have been a little removed from the AIDS epidemic. I mean, you get AIDS from doing foolish things. Most people get it from unprotected sex, and often when they are not married, and almost certainly both people have not only had one partner. Or sharing needles when doing drugs. So, if I'm being honest, I had little sympathy.

But then, as I watched this video I began to realize that if you think you've nowhere to go but to continue living in broken down ruins of the old Soviet Union (literally, without a home and living in broken down cement buildings) then why not shoot up while you are there. Don't get me wrong, it's still a bad decision, but more than being a bad decision, I began to see how it was a hopeless decision.

Why am I writing about this LORD, as I come to the passage in Lamentations that is during our week on humility? Why does this memory jump back into my mind? What is shining from the text today is the simple idea that humility inspires hope. I have been rolling the last line of the passage today around in my head, "Let them bury their faces in the dust - there may yet be hope." It seems like a weird image. Since there might be hope, bend down and bow low, mourn and weep.

But maybe this is the way it is: If this world is in human hands, to be built and sustained through the glorious ingenuity of man, then there is no hope. We've seen what the "brilliance of man" does. It is a bunch of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It makes a lot of noise and draws a lot of attention, and utterly crushes many peoples will to live. Simply put, if the greatest power is humanity, we are in it deep.

Still, what if man silences himself? What if we seek You and wait quietly? What if we bury our faces, and our mouths, in the dust? What if You are there and You are the mighty LORD? If man is not the greatest power, but instead the greatest power is You... well, the verse say it well, "there may yet be hope."

Hope is so fundamental to any community, because hopeless people make foolish decisions and destroy community. Yet, I never would have guessed going into this week (even when I picked this passage for the Daily Office) that humility would have a direct connection to our hope.

My Prayer

Let me be simple LORD. Hope is a vital part of growing in our relationship. It is an essential part of making change and continuing to grow. As Exodus seeks to transform lives into Your image, we must rely on the Holy Spirit moving through hope in our lives. Tonight, I see that humility forms that hope, it recognizes that there is more than me.

It is so good for Exodus that there is more than me. We'd be dead if there was only Matthew. But, I admit, there is You.

And so, I bow my head low. My hope is in You. You have been faithful to us when we have been at the end of our rope. When we have been untrue and bitter, You have not left. When we ignore the Spirit, You have still allowed Your presence to remain with us. It's a privilege, LORD, to be in communication and relationship with You.

I cannot lead Exodus on without You. You are our hope.

EXC Daily Office: I Am a Sinner

Luke 18:9-14

So, right now I'm reading about this passage in Eugene Peterson's new book Tell It Slant. So I can't help but noticing what he points out right away: Both of these men in the story are sinners. You were telling a story about two sinners, the problem is that one didn't believe that they were, and exulted himself instead.

How does that speak to me? Well, I have a tendency to get comfortable in my Christian life. I have times when I am not blatantly sinning, You know, no real lust, lying, or anything else. During those times, I can easily begin to believe that things are great, that sin is conquered and then I get lazy. I get lazy, lusty, and lying as my pride pulls me down.

So, maybe the thing that I need to realize in the story of the tax collector, is that it is important to look for your own sin. Perhaps even when it's hiding. Perhaps, or especially, when that sin is pride. And then, in a true confessional way, say the words: I am a sinner.

There's something freeing in those words. Like I don't have to attain salvation and perfection for myself. Instead, I am a sinner and thus must ride on Your strength. A strange phrase to find comfort in, but the truth ends up comforting in the end, doesn't it?

My Prayer

Heavenly Father, I am a sinner. I can easily begin to confess to You specific sins, but I feel I need to define myself beneath Your majestic presence. I am not god, I am a sinner. No matter how well my day goes, no matter how many times I pray, I am a sinner. I love the freedom in that, I love the comfort of knowing that You must take care of me.

Too often I do not throw myself on Your mercy, because I never see my need. Today, make me aware of my need. Reveal dark corners of my soul, where I rarely shine the light of reflection. There are truths about me that I am ashamed to face, but if I do not open them up, am I any better than the Pharisee who can't see his own pride? No. I am not any better than him. The truth is, he is a sinner just as I am a sinner.

So, LORD, have mercy on me.

EXC Daily Office: Words Without Knowledge

Exodus Community Daily Office: Job 38-41

LORD, before I begin my personal study and devotion this morning, let me pray for my fellow "congregants" at Exodus.  We are striving to deepen our roots, and I pray that you will allow us to "eat the fruits of our labor."  Bless this time and fill us with Your Spirit, as we seek to build our passion for You.

My Monday Prayer:

LORD God, I seek You for answers to my problems so often.  Daily I come to you in stress, discomfort, worry, sadness, anger or hopelessness.  And daily You listen, and most days provide an answer.  In the days that You would have me wait, or change, or I don't understand clearly, I become angry and impatient.  I can find myself at odds with You.

But LORD, if You were to question me, I would have no answer.  I cannot tell You how the foundations of the earth were laid, though many would like to try.  I cannot tell You how the cornerstone of the universe was placed.  I only have a vast wonderment with the depth and span of creation, and the awesome power of You, the Creator.

When I come to You with words without knowledge, remind me of who You are.  As we at Exodus undertake a quest for transformation and re-creation, speak to us of Your mighty creative power.  You who give orders to the dawn, You who knows the way to the abode of light, You who fathers the rain, You of immense majesty... You who are our Father.  All that is in and around me finds its life in You.  We have not done or known anything worth this blessing, so it is now that we bow in thanks.

To You or LORD, in the redemptive name of Christ, through the mystery of the Spirit, I pray.  Amen.

The Good That God Desires

James 3-5

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness."

Wisdom is...

PURE: Purity of heart is to will one thing, the good that God wants for every situation. This is the first of all. Are we seeking the good that God would want in each situation. How many times do I stop to ask this question of myself before I act or say something? Never, is the correct answer. Or the honest answer. I wish I could say different.

I find it interesting that this verse on wisdom follows right on the heels of a discussion about controlling our tongue, about not having praises of God and cursings of men flowing from the same mouth. It's so amazing, is the good that God wants in any situation for the wrong, the annoying, the disconcerting to be repeated over and over. Or to be blamed on the offender to the point of shame or discomfort. The correct answer here again is no, this is not the good that God desires. The good that God desires may be transformation of thought, or reconciliation from the offender, but I really doubt that it is for me to tell others about how someone has wronged me.

Okay, let me make it clearer. When my wife annoys the crap out of me by being irritable, the good that God wants is not for me to make complaints at her expense to Bryan, Andy or Joel. Yes, I may have been offended. And yes, there may be a need to vent to my friends. However, this sharing can be done without snideness and superiority. It can be done in a spirit that is seeking the good that God wills. It can be done as an effort of reconciliation. Then it is being done in wisdom.

The wisdom of heaven seeks first of all the good that God wills for all his creation.

I was going to go point to point in the wisdom passage, but You know what God, that's enough for me tonight. How can I pursue the good that You want when I act and speak? What does that look like as I go to bed tonight? What does that mean when I share frustrations with my friends or with my wife? How should I speak about others?

To speak with wisdom, I should speak and defend the good. Allow me to remember, even when there seems to be nothing good to say at all.

Reading Without Getting It

Hebrews 10-13

Lord, I've continued to read through the epistles of the New Testament, and I've been struck by my different reading of Paul's writings. I mean, in the past I would have said that I didn't really like Paul. But I identified a lot more with him this time through. He seemed to be a person trying to speak truth to people who didn't always want to hear it. And I think the thing that I liked best about Paul was his empathy. He seemed to have suffered and gone through the ringer on his own, so he identifies well with others.

But then this weekend I've come to Hebrews, which some attribute to Paul and some do not. Really, Hebrews has been a difficult read for me. All this priestly talk and the order of Melchizedek (I'm pretty sure that's spelled wrong, but, not a big deal). Anyways, it just strikes me as odd that a HUGE Biblical character like the Son of God would get such a big deal made out of comparing him to a minor character like Melchizedek. Like, Melchizedek was in one story. I think it threw the whole book off for me.

What I'd really like to do is read a commentary along with Hebrews at some point. Maybe a commentary by a Jewish scholar. That would be good.

Sometimes, when I read the Bible, I just get frustrated when I can't quite get it. Because I feel when I can't quite get it that it isn't really lead me or others closer in relationship to You. So, I guess that's why I'm here tonight. Not because I have something brilliant to spout about the text, but instead because I don't. And I still want to use it to point me to You.

Today, in church, I brought up the question of relationship. What is our relationship like with You? I know what I've often wanted it to be. Speak to me to speak through me. Lord, can You please do this? Will You answer me if I stop typing and listen? What do You have to say to me if I am just still? Can You explain Melchizedek? Can You bring me closer some other way? Speak to me as I wait.

Just Because It Went So Well

It's odd.

At the marriage retreat, Chuck often said that Satan would attack us because he doesn't want things to go well within our marriages. I hesitate to speak about Satan, because I find all of that talk really unnerving and weird and associated with fundamentalists. So, I pretty much believe in the existence of Satan and demons, but I don't like to talk about how they work, or "attack," or whatever.

But how do you explain my wife suddenly freaking out tonight over details and my continued irritability (when I'm generally pleasant)? Or Bryan's weird day? Or Joel's mounting frustration and concern? Or my lack of motivation? Are these all coincidences?

I cannot believe it. And the only thing that I can do is pray. Luckily, this weekend we talked about the 3 prayers roots, one of which is intercession. So it is still on my mind right now. I think all across the community we could use some intercession right now. On behalf of my wife and her stress and tiredness. Lord, comfort, calm, soothe, and make right. On behalf of Bryan. Lord, encourage, fortify with strength, energize, and hold him up. On behalf of Joel. Lord, lead with a mighty hand and with clarity. On behalf of others I have not heard from. Lord, bless marriages, bless jobs, bless drives, bless anything that is currently going wrong and wrest control away from those who seek to harm us.

We have dedicated ourselves to You once again. We put ourselves within Your hands.

In the name of Jesus, our blessed Savior, Amen.

The Fruit of Self-Control

Titus 1-3

This weekend at the marriage retreat, I was struck by the differences we started to mull over about men and women. So today, I'm interested in the verse in Titus 2 that talks about what men and women need to be concerned about. Of course, as a man, I'm interested in what is said about us.

Both older men and younger men are encouraged to be self-controlled. I think that is the hardest fruit of the spirit for almost every man that I know. Even harder than gentleness, which seems like it would be difficult for us aggressive and competitive men. Now, I'm not one who actually likes to categorize men and women into tight stereotypes, and so I usually push back against them. But this seems to fit.

I know that it strikes a cord with me. Why is it that I seem to always need more, or that I'm not satisfied with the things that I have, or that I can't stop myself from the sensual. The thing that tastes good, the things that feel good, etc. Or that I can't always convince myself to spend time on the difficult and unpleasant, even when needed.

Paul other passage in Romans seems appropriate here. What I want to do I do not do, but what I do not want to do, this I do. It seems, in many situations, that I have no self control. Today I was eating carrots as a healthy snack. I decided that I was going to have 5. I did, then I read the label and decided I could have two more. Then two more, then two more, then two more. Then I went to the concession stand and bought two bags of peanuts. That is not controlling myself.

And there are other areas as well.

Anyways, as Courtney and I dedicate ourselves to the Christian disciplines once again, it seems as though the fruits will become more evident in us. Lord, as I seek You, I pray that I will become more and more self-controlled. I need that, Lord, I pray. Amen.

Ramblings

So over the past few days I've continued to read Paul's letters, though I haven't had the time to talk to You here. It's been because of several reasons, not the least of which is the new workout program my wife and I have embarked upon. I really appreciate the chance to do something together with her, to have another common goal in completing this 90 day program. I feel like the more her and I share experiences, the stronger and closer our marriage will get. Now, I need the ability to lead her in spiritual activities too. That is something I am committed to.

Along with that, I feel the weight of the church on me this week. And I'm not sure what the next step is. Sometimes I feel that I am a dreamer, visioner, and schemer, but when it comes to the details I'm not sure what goes next. I'm not sure that we came to a final conclusion at our leader's meeting as to what to do next, so that makes me feel in paralysis. Lord, I often seek You in questions, and today I have a simple one. What do I do?

I pray that Your leading was in the email I just sent. Lord God, I love You. I want to serve You and lead others to serve You too. I am praying today in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.