A Gift

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Sabbath. Yesterday was a wonderful day, spending time with Gideon (even though he was sick), spending time with my wife, watching the Selection show, and simply resting. It felt great to take a break from all stress related things and just enjoy my family.

Sometimes, Lord, I forget what a good God You are. What I mean by that is that sometimes I forget that while You spend much of Your time working for the good, it doesn't always feel like "working." So often, in the Bible and in my life, You have gifted me pleasurable and leisurely experiences. Like Sabbath.

It seems that when things are properly balanced in my life, I enjoy most of the things in my life. When tennis workouts don't last into the evenings, I enjoy them. When I can contain my schoolwork to school, I enjoy it. When my church responsibilities don't impinge on my family time, I enjoy them. When I keep things in their proper place, I find that I actually enjoy them.

Which, I guess, is what Sabbath is really about. It's trusting You enough to say that if I take a day and enjoy my family and friends and food, then the other things will still be able to be taken care of... just in their time and in their place. It's saying that the grades I don't have done will get done, just not today. It's trusting that I will have enough time to tackle my other responsibilities if I keep them in the other six days. And, I guess, I trust that.

And I thank You for being a God of enjoyment! Continue to help me balance life, and therefore enjoy it all the more!

Maturity Begins Within Your Arms

Yesterday I read many texts, it just happened that way, I wasn't really trying. One was from the daily office I'm putting together for the Lent season at Exodus. One was from a devotional reading that my mom sent me. Others were from Ed Dobson's book that I just finished. And others... but somehow they all ended up coming together.

I wrote about wanting to move through the maturity process, and take the next step this Lent season. Well, besides the 2 Peter passage, Hebrews talks about the maturity process as well. Specifically, it contemplates the basics, the beginning of the faith. And thus the beginning of my journey in Lent.

Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don't need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. - Hebrews 6:1

Here's my answer to the writer of Hebrews, and to You, Lord. "No, we don't need to start again with the importance of repenting... but maybe I should start the process of becoming mature with repenting."

Reading Ed Dobson last night, I was struck by his exposition of the Hebrew word for repentance, which is teshuvah. Literally the word means to turn in the opposite direction. But, it has all sorts of different flavors that he broke down by tracing the root word, shuv, through the Old Testament. The one that struck me the most is from the story of Abraham chasing after his nephew Lot to free him from captivity. Lot had been captured at a battle near his home of Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham was going to recover him. Thus the word shuv has the flavor of recover what has been stolen from us.

As I repent, teshuvah, I hope to recover the things that have been stolen from me. One of the big things is the purity of my heart and mind. So many of my sins are selfish, they ignore both You and others. What I've found, and what I wrote about yesterday, is that I get in an autopilot mode after devotions are over, where I just kind of go. And in this, my selfish mind runs most of my day. I feel like in many ways, my mind has lost the ability to be pure, to be committed to one thing, to be focused on You. I pray that I recover that.

I confess that even in starting the season on Ash Wednesday, I didn't fully engage the sayings and readings of repentance, as I was leading Exodus through them. Perhaps it is time for me to go over them again now.

From the Ash Wednesday reading:
"We have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven. Have mercy on us, Lord."

But I read one more Scripture yesterday. Luke 15. About You recovering what is lost. A missing sheep, a lost coin, a prodigal son... You are about teshuvah. Recovering what is lost or has been stolen. And not only are You going after what is stolen, recovering what is lost, finding what is missing; but when You find it, You rejoice.

The loving image from the prodigal son, of You throwing Your arms around Your son as he practices teshuvah, repentance, that is where I am really beginning my maturity process. Help me to remember that the journey all takes place within Your loving arms.

Little Joys

Let's start with this: where have I seen, felt, experienced, noticed You in the past 24 hours? That seems like a good thing to think about considering that these 40 days are to be about attention to You.

So, yesterday. Let's start with the evening. I really felt like writing some poetry. My heart was longing to be creative. But I couldn't find the words or the topic or anything. But then I started thinking about You. I started thinking about Your word. And I started studying. I never ended up with a poem (though I've got a great idea), but I love the process of studying. It is rewarding. The random knowledge, I wonme.der at that. Yesterday, I stumbled through Jewish Christian websites and looked at the way You are perceived from their perspective. Amazing, fascinating, and makes me want to learn Hebrew again! So I don't know how You were in that, but I felt that we were communing somehow.

But, yesterday. Yesterday was hard. Actually, yesterday was one of my worst days of class in a long time. Students were whiny and obstinate, even my favorite classes were giving me a hard time. It felt like such a long day. When I came home, I was excited to see my son. But I was also exhausted. It made it difficult to play. I don't know what would have been my summary on the day, but it wouldn't have been positive. I don't feel like I saw You anywhere during the day yesterday (although I freely admit I am missing the small things and still equating You with success, goodness and strong days when You actually may move better when I'm weak). If I would have went to bed at 7:30 when I posted my facebook status about feeling spent, I think I would have said yesterday was a poor day.

But one experience with You changed all that. And it wasn't a particularly enlightening or intimate experience. What I learned was cool, but it didn't blow my mind. I felt Your presence, but we weren't interacting in a real personal way. That's how powerful You are though. Just a little dose was needed.

I am thankful that You meet with me, surround me, even in little ways. They make it possible for me to have joy. Because last night when I went to bed, instead of mourning my whole day, I was filled with joy.

EXC Daily Office: Again

Yesterday's passage dealt with my longing for You. "When can I go and meet with God?" And, brilliantly, "Why are you downcast within me, o my soul?" Nothing could have touched me deeper than that passage, could have described where I am right at this second better than that Scripture. I have longed to be in relationship, spending time, praying, fasting, meditating, studying, etc. When can I go and meet with You? And yet... when I have time I avoid, I seek other projects, I choose sleep, whatever. Why are you downcast and resistant, o my soul? What a paradox.

Today rings back just as deeply. The text from Jeremiah is Your voice, spoken to Your people. "I have loved you with an everlasting love... I will build you up again... Again... you will dance... Again... (you will) enjoy the fruit."

Your love is new. I have experienced this intimacy of relationship before with You. In my fast, in Romania, at Waco Beach, in the early mornings, in my seminary classes last summer, at the birth of my son, when Courtney broke up with me in college... on and on and on. But this everlasting love, it doesn't just dry up. Like the tides, or the waves, it crashes in again and again and again.

Again I will sit with you in the dark of mornings.

Again You will be with me through my fears at night.

Again You will speak and I will hear my name.

Again I will choose weariness to sit with You.

Again my knowledge will increase my wonder of You.

Again You will bless me with joyful miracles.

Again You will sit with me through pain.

You have loved me with an everlasting love.

Amen.

Lent: Day 7

I think that it would be good to have another Ash Wednesday service tonight. I know that these rituals would eventually get old and not be as moving, but there is something about the concentrated holiness of those events, the purposeful silence. I realize that I could use silence as a way of worship every day, I'd just have to be intentional about it. If it is too early in the morning, I fall asleep. If it is in front of a computer, I become distracted. But if I could light a candle, sit in semi darkness at about 8:00 in the morning, wow, that would be worshipful.

I was so tired last night. I fell asleep while Courtney watched the Biggest Loser, at about 9:30. Then at 1:30 this morning, Gideon had a coughing fit and spent the rest of the night wheezing in the bed beside us. At 2:30 or so I got up and turned the hot water on and took Gideon in the shower, hoping that the humidity would break up his congestion. It worked, but only for an hour or so. It was a restless night, and I find myself even more tired in the morning than I was last night when I fell asleep at 9:30.

All that to say, life seems so stagnated when I'm tired. And honestly, a bit overwhelming. Last night I sat on the couch watching the Indiana basketball game dreading that I had forgotten to do something. That I had done something wrong during the day yesterday. That I'm a bad parent, or bad teacher, or all sorts of other derogatory things pointed at myself. None of them true. All of them causing some anxiety. What was that Lord?

In any case, I feel better about that today, being back in school. I do think it's time for some type of break, but that doesn't come until the first of April. And unfortunately, this year it doesn't come with any type of vacation attached to it. So, Lord strengthen me where I am. Work in my heart through the Scripture reading, be with my friends and family, somehow, even without the silence, renew me in this time.

How often do I praise You out of this tired condition? Not often, I'm usually grasping at You for energy when I'm so down and tired. Why not take this time however to recognize: "The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it!" That's Psalm 24. Or how about: " Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." You are good Lord, You instruct us, and You love us. Let that be enough for me today.

Job 9-10

Lord God, one of the things that I have put a lot of faith in through the years, especially this past year, is that You are good. Your will is always for the good of every situation, and so that is what we try to work toward in the call to be Your disciples. Yet in my reading today, Your goodness is the very thing that Job is calling into question.

Sure, he's willing to concede that You created everything and that You are all powerful and that You exist. These things seem like givens to him. In fact, even though he doesn't believe, or is struggling to believe, that You are good, Job is still able and willing to worship You.

I find it interesting that in today's society, we don't take for granted the things that Job did. Regularly You are brought into question as being the creator of the world. Often times, even Christian and Jewish scholars will argue that You are not all powerful and that is why evil exists in the world. And atheists are now going on "missionary" voyages to spread the message that You don't exist.

I guess, I'm like Job. I take for granted that You are, that You are powerful and that You created everything. But sometimes I struggle with whether everything You do is for the good. Now, let me clarify with You, right now You and I are in really good standing. I am more trusting of You than I've been in a while, and You've repeatedly shown me Your good over the course of the last year. So I'm not questioning right now. I'm just willing to admit that I have.

It seems stupid now, but when Andrew lost in the first round of regional for tennis, I questioned big time then. Of course, I've since come to realize that there were two teams at play there, two players in that match, and You love all of them. But at the time I was thinking what a heartbreak it was to my brother, and You let it happen. And there are more examples like that. Why do You do those things?

But I've come to be content that there is a mysterious mixing of spiritual events and personal choices that actually control what's going on in reality. Most evil comes as a result of poor personal choices, or poor societal choices, or the fallen nature of man in general. If it is bad, even if it is affecting the innocent, it can probably be traced back to man. If it is good, it can probably be traced back to You.

So, I'm going to write a poem questioning Your goodness, because it is a great topic and brought up here by Job. But just know, my prayer from experience is: "God is good, all the time."