My intent is to relate to You this morning, Father. As I read the Scripture passage yesterday from 1 Corinthians, it occurred to me that rarely in this Lenten season have I been "alive." I've complained much about the staleness of my faith, feeling like this has almost been an overwhelming "dark night of the soul" type of time for me.
So yesterday I was listening to a Eugene Peterson speech from the Catalyst conference that we went to three years ago. He was talking about the ways of gaining power and influence that were available to Jesus when he was here, the ways of the Pharisee and the way of Herod. They were established ways of doing leadership and power gathering that Jesus could have used to his advantage, and yet he refused.
As Eugene was describing Pharisees, he made a beautiful illustration that the Pharisees were like a person who had a large picture window with a beautiful, breath-taking view of the mountains. But they became obsessed with keeping the window clean, so much so that they set up a system of ladders and pullies and automatic cleaning devices and eventually forgot and couldn't even really see out that window anymore to the beautiful view that made the window important in the first place. I had to ask myself if that has become me.
See, I know I have to live life in the day to day. I can't step back and appreciate the grandness of life, love and faith all the time, because I have to also deal with all the details that come with life. But, I should step back sometimes. And often I get overwhelmed and bogged down in the details instead of living through them.
It has occurred to me once again the ways in which I split my life into spiritual and not-spiritual and live that way. But I don't want to make all these convenient separations. I want to live life whole, to actually have abundant life, and a life that is full.
Right now, that requires stepping back and looking out the window. As I head to school, let me not lose our relationship because of daily minutia. Instead, let our relationship continue through it.
IN the name of Jesus, I am praying...
"Speak to me, speak through me."
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Lent: Day 27
1 Samuel 6-10
Today I read the story of Samuel choosing Saul to be king. There is a very interesting detail to the story where Saul has hidden himself among the baggage at the time when Samuel declares to the tribes that he is king. I can identify with that feeling. There are times when the responsibility and care it takes to be the leader is something I'd just rather not have.
In many ways, I've always admired and desired the simple things in life. I think that I could really enjoy going to work, coming home to my family, spending time with my wife, and not ever having to worry about what Exodus is going to do this Sunday, whether people are truly growing in their faith, beginning to come closer to You, etc. There are many times when that is what happens, where I do just separate my time and spend time with family and let church responsibilities wait until later. I guess, maybe that is different from hiding in the baggage. That is more about priorities.
You know, I do have a lot of half-loves and half-talents, and so prioritizing does become a big deal for me. If my priorities get off the mark then usually my whole life becomes unbalanced. For example, I often rush off to the gym without ever really processing my devotional reading. That tells me that one of my highest priorities right now is working out. And that's probably true. But that doesn't mean that my list is particularly healthy.
So, that is one thing I'm going to have to try to make an intentional effort to do: make sure my priorities are in the right order, and then drop activities that infringe on these. And I certainly know that You need to go at the top of that list. Help me figure out how to make You the true number one in my life, and how to continue to place You there daily.
Thou and thou only, first in my heart.
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.
Today I read the story of Samuel choosing Saul to be king. There is a very interesting detail to the story where Saul has hidden himself among the baggage at the time when Samuel declares to the tribes that he is king. I can identify with that feeling. There are times when the responsibility and care it takes to be the leader is something I'd just rather not have.
In many ways, I've always admired and desired the simple things in life. I think that I could really enjoy going to work, coming home to my family, spending time with my wife, and not ever having to worry about what Exodus is going to do this Sunday, whether people are truly growing in their faith, beginning to come closer to You, etc. There are many times when that is what happens, where I do just separate my time and spend time with family and let church responsibilities wait until later. I guess, maybe that is different from hiding in the baggage. That is more about priorities.
You know, I do have a lot of half-loves and half-talents, and so prioritizing does become a big deal for me. If my priorities get off the mark then usually my whole life becomes unbalanced. For example, I often rush off to the gym without ever really processing my devotional reading. That tells me that one of my highest priorities right now is working out. And that's probably true. But that doesn't mean that my list is particularly healthy.
So, that is one thing I'm going to have to try to make an intentional effort to do: make sure my priorities are in the right order, and then drop activities that infringe on these. And I certainly know that You need to go at the top of that list. Help me figure out how to make You the true number one in my life, and how to continue to place You there daily.
Thou and thou only, first in my heart.
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Lent: Day 22
Lord, it's really difficult to figure out how I'm supposed to follow You and lead others at the same time. It becomes as if every failure, tiring circumstance, difficulty, or busyness comes from You. It's been interesting. This year as I have taught the Bible, I have become less and less interested in studying it... I know that's not the best for having great Bible lessons. I mean, I still read the Bible every morning, but my passion for connecting the narrative, for applying it to my own life, that has died in some ways.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
I could trace that to many things, but I think the biggest reason is my desire to escape "work." Gideon has caused us to be extra tired at times this year, before Christmas when he wasn't sleeping through the night, here after the break where he has gotten sick or gets up incredibly early. Even if it is only once or twice a week, that tiredness adds up fast. Then, of course, I spend a lot of time at work all week. So when I have this time to come into Your presence, I don't want to work, to think, to consider, to reason, and so on and so on.
Then there has been my poetry, which I really enjoy at times. Other times it becomes the same burden as study (like the past two weeks where I've not written anything, basically). But the poetry takes time as well, and is more interesting than just straight up study. So that has taken time from this as well. Of course, I think it has had it's benefits. I like some of the beautiful poems I've written. However, I don't want them if I feel like ultimately they lead me away from You. So, let my poems be a way of praising and wrestling with You. Let them flow beautifully, artfully, but certainly honestly and passionately from me.
So, I was reading Job again this morning. In today's section of Job, he is arguing for a time to argue with You. He is also claiming that You are absent, that is why he can't even begin the discussion. This is one of the reasons I really dig the book of Job, I know that feeling he is writing about. That feeling of not even knowing where to begin. That feeling of distance despite desire. The feeling of not being able to find what you are looking for. I've had them all at some point in the recent past.
The thing about Job, and then the thing about me, is that we really never get answered of how to go about seeking You, how to recognize You, how to speak to You. In the end of Job, You just kind of show up and lay the verbal smack down on everybody. Many times when I feel desperate like Job You just show up, in Scripture, or comfort, or reassurance, or in renewal after my repentance, or lots of other ways and times. The part that I can't get over is that it doesn't seem that my action really dictates Your action all the time. Other than the fact that You are going to answer the cry, You don't really tell us much about the how, the when or the why. Like, I've had times where I have sought You in morning prayer, intensely, for two weeks only for You to show up and speak to me while I'm on a walk through the college campus. Then other times I'll kind of be loose and lazy for a month, have one real time of repentance and there You are, speaking clearly and closely from the Scripture. It never happens the same way.
It's good to know, I guess, that even when we fall into desperate times, we still cannot control You.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Lent: Day 15
So, I really must take this opportunity to praise You Lord. Yesterday I wrote how I was feeling a lack of worth in the things that I do, and it was causing me to have all sorts of shame and doubt. So, yesterday I jumped on the elliptical machine for my normal hour run, and I turned on a Mars Hill podcast. In the teaching, the preacher (Tim Green) was noting what one of his friends said about when the devil attacks you with the things we do wrong, the ways we are worthless, and so on. My ears perked right up, because, as I've said, that has felt like me. How did he say we are supposed to respond?
"That is irrelevant."
It doesn't matter that I fail a billion and one times throughout my life. I am God's son and he is pleased with me. It's amazing how this takes me all the way back to this past summer, when I was reading Sacred Rhythms, and Ruth Haley Barton suggested in the book that we should each develop a breath prayer, that we say throughout the day. It can be calming and encouraging. So, I prayed about that one day while I ran, and the prayer I came up with was, "This is my son, I am well pleased."
Like a dope, I gave it up after a week. I always do that. It's fun and exciting at the beginning but so hard to follow through. So now here I am almost a year later needing that exact prayer. You know me well...and today I am full of praise for that!
Your son,
Matthew.
"That is irrelevant."
It doesn't matter that I fail a billion and one times throughout my life. I am God's son and he is pleased with me. It's amazing how this takes me all the way back to this past summer, when I was reading Sacred Rhythms, and Ruth Haley Barton suggested in the book that we should each develop a breath prayer, that we say throughout the day. It can be calming and encouraging. So, I prayed about that one day while I ran, and the prayer I came up with was, "This is my son, I am well pleased."
Like a dope, I gave it up after a week. I always do that. It's fun and exciting at the beginning but so hard to follow through. So now here I am almost a year later needing that exact prayer. You know me well...and today I am full of praise for that!
Your son,
Matthew.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Lent: Day 14
It's been a learning experience for me during Lent, what happens when you give up on a sinful pattern in your life. It is amazing how quickly the whole experience becomes stressful, even if that stress has nothing to do with the temptation you give up. As you lose strength, the ability and willingness to resist becomes less and less. You develop other unhealthy habits until finally, you find yourself right back where you started.
Well, I haven't gone right back to where I started, Lord. But my strength is wearing thin, and I'm tired of being bombarded by thoughts of worthlessness. Three weeks ago I was not sitting around wondering whether I was a good teacher, a good pastor, a good husband, a good father, a good poet, whatever. It's not like me to be like that. And yet this week I've found myself dealing with those stresses. I'm really writing here just as a way to acknowledge this battle, this brand new place where I need You. I recognize the slander as not true, it's just the thoughts pop up far to often. So, help me deal with them in truth when they come.
Like the psalm said today as I read: "The LORD is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?"
No one. No thing. Amen.
Well, I haven't gone right back to where I started, Lord. But my strength is wearing thin, and I'm tired of being bombarded by thoughts of worthlessness. Three weeks ago I was not sitting around wondering whether I was a good teacher, a good pastor, a good husband, a good father, a good poet, whatever. It's not like me to be like that. And yet this week I've found myself dealing with those stresses. I'm really writing here just as a way to acknowledge this battle, this brand new place where I need You. I recognize the slander as not true, it's just the thoughts pop up far to often. So, help me deal with them in truth when they come.
Like the psalm said today as I read: "The LORD is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life - of whom should I be afraid?"
No one. No thing. Amen.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lent: Day 7
I think that it would be good to have another Ash Wednesday service tonight. I know that these rituals would eventually get old and not be as moving, but there is something about the concentrated holiness of those events, the purposeful silence. I realize that I could use silence as a way of worship every day, I'd just have to be intentional about it. If it is too early in the morning, I fall asleep. If it is in front of a computer, I become distracted. But if I could light a candle, sit in semi darkness at about 8:00 in the morning, wow, that would be worshipful.
I was so tired last night. I fell asleep while Courtney watched the Biggest Loser, at about 9:30. Then at 1:30 this morning, Gideon had a coughing fit and spent the rest of the night wheezing in the bed beside us. At 2:30 or so I got up and turned the hot water on and took Gideon in the shower, hoping that the humidity would break up his congestion. It worked, but only for an hour or so. It was a restless night, and I find myself even more tired in the morning than I was last night when I fell asleep at 9:30.
All that to say, life seems so stagnated when I'm tired. And honestly, a bit overwhelming. Last night I sat on the couch watching the Indiana basketball game dreading that I had forgotten to do something. That I had done something wrong during the day yesterday. That I'm a bad parent, or bad teacher, or all sorts of other derogatory things pointed at myself. None of them true. All of them causing some anxiety. What was that Lord?
In any case, I feel better about that today, being back in school. I do think it's time for some type of break, but that doesn't come until the first of April. And unfortunately, this year it doesn't come with any type of vacation attached to it. So, Lord strengthen me where I am. Work in my heart through the Scripture reading, be with my friends and family, somehow, even without the silence, renew me in this time.
How often do I praise You out of this tired condition? Not often, I'm usually grasping at You for energy when I'm so down and tired. Why not take this time however to recognize: "The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it!" That's Psalm 24. Or how about: " Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." You are good Lord, You instruct us, and You love us. Let that be enough for me today.
I was so tired last night. I fell asleep while Courtney watched the Biggest Loser, at about 9:30. Then at 1:30 this morning, Gideon had a coughing fit and spent the rest of the night wheezing in the bed beside us. At 2:30 or so I got up and turned the hot water on and took Gideon in the shower, hoping that the humidity would break up his congestion. It worked, but only for an hour or so. It was a restless night, and I find myself even more tired in the morning than I was last night when I fell asleep at 9:30.
All that to say, life seems so stagnated when I'm tired. And honestly, a bit overwhelming. Last night I sat on the couch watching the Indiana basketball game dreading that I had forgotten to do something. That I had done something wrong during the day yesterday. That I'm a bad parent, or bad teacher, or all sorts of other derogatory things pointed at myself. None of them true. All of them causing some anxiety. What was that Lord?
In any case, I feel better about that today, being back in school. I do think it's time for some type of break, but that doesn't come until the first of April. And unfortunately, this year it doesn't come with any type of vacation attached to it. So, Lord strengthen me where I am. Work in my heart through the Scripture reading, be with my friends and family, somehow, even without the silence, renew me in this time.
How often do I praise You out of this tired condition? Not often, I'm usually grasping at You for energy when I'm so down and tired. Why not take this time however to recognize: "The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it!" That's Psalm 24. Or how about: " Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." You are good Lord, You instruct us, and You love us. Let that be enough for me today.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Lent: Day 6
The book of Judges is so strange Lord. I'd have to say it is one of the most violent and sexual books in the whole Bible, and certainly not in a good and wholesome way. But it ends with this sentence, "In those days Israel had no king, everyone did as they saw fit." And in reading the stories leading up to the end, we have all sorts of strange things going on that people apparently saw fit to do. One man builds his own gods but strangely says he worships and inquires of You. One man's concubine is unfaithful but he chases her down to keep her anyways, only to give her up to be raped instead of himself. When the Benjaminites don't have wives, the suggestion is that they just come steal wives when the ladies of Shiloh are dancing. Weird stuff. Stuff that can easily happen when no one is in charge.
What's even weirder though is that when the Israelites come and demand a king of Israel, someone to lead through all this weirdness, You tell them that they don't need a king. That You will be their King. That doesn't seem like it really would have worked because that's what was supposed to be happening in Judges, and uh, it wasn't going so well. I mean, sure, You as the only King sounds really good. And I suppose that if everybody took seriously living in Your way and seeking You and Your priorities before making decisions that things would work out real well. But people don't do that.
Which leads me to another question: Are You idealistic and not practical? Are the plans that You put in place perfect and don't allow for the requisite human stupidity? This may seem like I'm trying to knock the way You do things, I'm not. I really like to be idealistic myself, set up a plan that is the best way of doing things even though I'll end up having to compromise on some part of that plan. Personally, I think that being that dreamer who thinks and tries to act in a perfect way is courageous. Of course, for a human like me who always fails it can sometimes be a downer how short I fall from perfect.
Anyways, Lord, I guess if You are idealistic then I'd better be in conversation with You about how I can live up to that ideal. Help me today as I deal with students and others who have no concern about living within Your ideal. Thanks for the job and the life that You've given me, that I might actually have time to seek You!
What's even weirder though is that when the Israelites come and demand a king of Israel, someone to lead through all this weirdness, You tell them that they don't need a king. That You will be their King. That doesn't seem like it really would have worked because that's what was supposed to be happening in Judges, and uh, it wasn't going so well. I mean, sure, You as the only King sounds really good. And I suppose that if everybody took seriously living in Your way and seeking You and Your priorities before making decisions that things would work out real well. But people don't do that.
Which leads me to another question: Are You idealistic and not practical? Are the plans that You put in place perfect and don't allow for the requisite human stupidity? This may seem like I'm trying to knock the way You do things, I'm not. I really like to be idealistic myself, set up a plan that is the best way of doing things even though I'll end up having to compromise on some part of that plan. Personally, I think that being that dreamer who thinks and tries to act in a perfect way is courageous. Of course, for a human like me who always fails it can sometimes be a downer how short I fall from perfect.
Anyways, Lord, I guess if You are idealistic then I'd better be in conversation with You about how I can live up to that ideal. Help me today as I deal with students and others who have no concern about living within Your ideal. Thanks for the job and the life that You've given me, that I might actually have time to seek You!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Lent: Day 5
That's it. I'm done. Mark down this date Lord. I'll keep coming back to it when things get rough. I want You to throw out the spirit that has held me captive for too long. Today, I'm turning a new leaf, starting with acknowledgment that I can't do it myself and choosing to not do it by myself anymore. Be real, be present,
and let it start today.
and let it start today.
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