Joy

I used to be a big-time optimist. I still am, but things have been muted through the years of dealing with the ups and downs of life. I tend to look on the bright side, but I certainly go through periods of life where I just get tired and exhausted of being the one with hope. And sometimes, I think when I'm stressed and without hope, I'm probably a bit more trying to be around.

Recently, another member of our church had a miscarriage. Now, I know these are "fairly" common, but I have been having a hard time being close to You when I know this has happened. Despite teaching my 7th graders yesterday that God doesn't make bad things happen, that instead You simply come in and make as much good from the chaos as possible, I still have a hard time believing that at times myself. So, I've been a bit morose lately.

This might seem like a weird way to start a post that entitled joy, but last night before I went to bed, I realized that what these situations have taken away from me isn't necessarily my hope and optimism, it is the joy with which I used to deal with things. Life is going to be difficult at times, but so much better to face the voids and mistreatments with joyful hope rather than exhausted, acknowledge-hope-with-my-lips-and-not-my-attitude-or-actions hope.

So, I wrote the word joy on a piece of paper I have in my room for writing down ideas that come to me while I'm trying to sleep, so I don't forget them the next morning. And then I smiled and went to sleep. This morning, as I came out to the living room to talk to You, I'm humming and singing a song (I don't think it is a real song!) that I just woke up singing.

"Joy! Joy! Welling up in my heart..."

You work fast Lord, so very fast. When I finally find what to ask for, You do not delay but You provide. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Continue to give me hope and joy welling up in my heart!

Little Joys

Let's start with this: where have I seen, felt, experienced, noticed You in the past 24 hours? That seems like a good thing to think about considering that these 40 days are to be about attention to You.

So, yesterday. Let's start with the evening. I really felt like writing some poetry. My heart was longing to be creative. But I couldn't find the words or the topic or anything. But then I started thinking about You. I started thinking about Your word. And I started studying. I never ended up with a poem (though I've got a great idea), but I love the process of studying. It is rewarding. The random knowledge, I wonme.der at that. Yesterday, I stumbled through Jewish Christian websites and looked at the way You are perceived from their perspective. Amazing, fascinating, and makes me want to learn Hebrew again! So I don't know how You were in that, but I felt that we were communing somehow.

But, yesterday. Yesterday was hard. Actually, yesterday was one of my worst days of class in a long time. Students were whiny and obstinate, even my favorite classes were giving me a hard time. It felt like such a long day. When I came home, I was excited to see my son. But I was also exhausted. It made it difficult to play. I don't know what would have been my summary on the day, but it wouldn't have been positive. I don't feel like I saw You anywhere during the day yesterday (although I freely admit I am missing the small things and still equating You with success, goodness and strong days when You actually may move better when I'm weak). If I would have went to bed at 7:30 when I posted my facebook status about feeling spent, I think I would have said yesterday was a poor day.

But one experience with You changed all that. And it wasn't a particularly enlightening or intimate experience. What I learned was cool, but it didn't blow my mind. I felt Your presence, but we weren't interacting in a real personal way. That's how powerful You are though. Just a little dose was needed.

I am thankful that You meet with me, surround me, even in little ways. They make it possible for me to have joy. Because last night when I went to bed, instead of mourning my whole day, I was filled with joy.

Negative

I was thinking the yesterday about my attitude. KP came to give the middle school chapel, which was about thankfulness. She did a great job talking about choosing to be thankful in all things. I don't choose thankfulness very often, and even when I do it rarely comes naturally. Even Monday when I wrote to You here it was a struggle to stay on thankful terms.

I thought about it and despite my whole life being what I would call an optimist, somewhere in the course of the last several years I have begun to develop a negative attitude toward a lot of things in life. Call it realism, that's probably where I've been filing it, but really I can lack hope. I'm sure that it comes from experience: Every day I tell students to enter the classroom and sit down in there chairs and be ready for class, every day somebody doesn't do it. Every day I want to see my tennis players working hard and being self-motivated to come out and play tennis, every day somebody doesn't do it. And with Exodus, I'm not even sure what is going on there. That has been the biggest roller coaster I've ever been involved with.

But I want to be known as a joyful person, someone who keeps their cool and keeps their smile. Give me that strength to overcome the reality of suffering with the reality of hope. Let me recognize the beauty of transformation that You have put all around me. I choose to not be bogged down by the sameness and the effort, but be inspired by the moments where someone "gets it."

Today is a day where I want to leave negative behind and live by the Spirit. Let the fruit of joy be evident today!

Raising Hope Out of Shame

SATURDAY 3.22.08 – PETER
Peter followed Jesus for years. He saw many miracles and amazing things. He’s the only person other than Jesus to walk on water! After all these experiences that displayed the power of God in the life of Christ, Peter still feared for his own life enough to deny Jesus three times in one day. His doubt is an encouragement to us all. Peter saw signs and miracles and Jesus in all His glory at the transfiguration, and still he doubted. The Rock on whom Jesus built His Church learned great lessons from continued faith and obedience through doubt. Read about Peter’s lowest point (Matthew 26:69–75) and his restoration (John 21:15–18).

It's just interesting that the day before my fast ends, I'm sitting here looking back over the past 45 days and thinking, wow, what was all that for? I mean, I've throughly enjoyed the fast again, and there have been some great times. But I always get stuck in a rut of shame. It's so interesting, and depressing. I mean, last year I came to the end of the fast and I was genuinely moved by all that had happened. This year I come to the end of the fast and am not. I'm ready for it to be over, and I know that the lack of spiritual experience is entirely my fault.

It makes it hard to think that I'll have joy tomorrow in the Easter experience. Except for one thing. Christ died for my shame. You died for my shame, and all the sin and disinterest that kept me far from You. Trust me, I still have this deep desire to go back and change everything. To start afresh and anew and have this all mean something profound but... You died for the fact that I failed.

Pretty unbelievable when I finally look at the story of Peter this morning. As I think of this being the last day before Easter, before the day on which You rose triumphantly, I think about the things that I have done to trample Your Spirit throughout this Lenten period and honestly it makes me want to "weep bitterly" as Peter did.

But one thing very good that has certainly happened throughout my fast has been a rekindling of my desire to be an excellent pastor for Exodus. And realizations of what that actually means that I must do. Being a "pastor," which literally in Latin means "shepherd," it is kind of shocking to go back and read this passage where You talk to Peter after Your resurrection. "Feed my sheep," You asked Peter. It's almost as if You are extending to him a way to get past his shame.

This is how I feel, I truly let You down in this fast by letting the other busy things of my life push You around. I didn't make the time to pay attention to the things You were doing. I want to make it up to You in any way possible and it is like You are hitting me with this verse, "Feed my sheep." I have a whole flock of people that as pastor I have taken spiritual responsibility. Luckily it is not a job I do alone, but I do have a special role in it. Have I been fulfilling that role? Not always. But I can start that right now. And it may be the way You are pointing out that I can "make things up" to You.

It's reminds me...hope is what creates joy. Suddenly, in my last day, my hope in myself is renewed because I know that You still hope in me. I have greater expectations of me than failure, sloth, and shame. You believe that I can, with the help and company of others, feed Your sheep. That hope needs to infuse itself into our community and deep into my heart.

Lord God, Creator of all good, You are all good. You have blessed me beyond the skies with all sorts of good. Actually, as I look back, even the past few days You have blessed me with all sorts of good. I know my assignment. Just like Peter, I must stop looking at the bad within myself that keeps me shamed and low, and instead I must look for the good in You and use it to feed your sheep, to encourage the flock, to lead them to the same level of attentiveness. To help them see You. And just like it says in James, You are the Father of heavenly lights, not shifting like the shadows but constantly giving every good and perfect gift. You are behind the good and perfect in life, and You raise that good and perfect up out of death and suffering. Maybe that's the true lesson of this fast, it wasn't the greatest, but You are using it to infuse me with this truth in a profound way. That You can even take my bad, and use it for good. Right now, You are using it as motivation, as a teaching tool. Thank You. You are the Lord Most High! Thank You for Your blessing! Thank You for this fast! Thank You for my Son! Thank You for Jesus! Thank You for being the God who raises up victory from defeat! I love You!

A Journey from Hopelessness to Joy

TUESDAY 3.11.08 – JOHN 13:15–17
I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I'm going to take a break today from commenting on the Lent readings. They've been very formational throughout my fast this year, but today other things are on my mind.

Basically, in my continual struggle through this fast, my eyes have left You my Lord. It happens in cyclical fashion throughout my life, and it's not something I'm panicking over like many times recorded in this blog. It's almost simply a fact, and I feel a conviction to focus back on You and what You are doing in this world.

I notice two specific things that often cause me to either look at myself or lose my joy and hope. Both have happened recently to me.

Number One: Losing Joy and Hope

I certainly have lost some of Your Spirit of joy and hope. To make a really easy observation, this happens when I feel overwhelmed and as if You are not answering a prayer of mine that is good. Instead of just being general, let me give You an example.

This past week I was feeling very joyful and hopeful until we had our teaching meeting on Thursday night. Actually, during and after the teaching meeting I was really pleased and hopeful about the things we were pursuing and may be able to get done. We talked about justice and injustice and how one of the callings of every church and every Christian is to bring justice to situations of injustice. Convinced of this, we began to ask where Exodus can become involved in injustice. We had a hard time coming up with concrete ideas. So we said we'd search this week and went our own ways. We also said we'd pray.

So we have, I have, and almost a week from that...well, I almost typed in here that I've had no ideas. But that's not true, I had one brilliant idea. It's scary and big, but it was a great idea and it came during my one true time of extended prayer specifically about this topic. You see, I was fully intending to rant here in this post that it seems like You're not answering me. In honesty, You did, but it looked nothing like what I expected. So I've continued to look for something like I expected, and perhaps that won't be there until we've taken care of what You did give us a vision for. Honestly, all of this came to me while I was typing here.

Isn't it odd how we completely miss the blessing You give us, and then complain that You are not giving us any attention. But certainly, I had felt hopeless these past couple of days because I felt like I'd been praying for a place for Exodus to fight injustice and You've just been ignoring me, opening no doors, providing no opportunities. And I've felt like I have done my part, searching the Internet, looking for places that want more than money, looking for something that would grab our hearts.

And that caused a hopelessness and sucking out of my joy. But as I realize the blessing of answered prayer, the fact that I really am not paying attention and listening to what You say, my hope is returning. It makes me very joyful to learn that the problem is with me, and not with You. When You are supposed to be perfect, and it feels like there is a problem with You, well, You can see how that leads to a lack of joy. But when You who are all good are proved to be all good, well, You can see why joy returns.

Number Two: Looking at Myself

Sin. Yuck. When I get that feeling of hopelessness, warranted or not, and frustration with You, that's when sin is the most easily active in my life. It makes total sense, I resist temptation in obedience to You, because I believe that it is true that my best life is free of the things You say are sinful. But when I'm mad at You I don't have as much ambition to obey.

That's totally happened to me this week and past weekend. My will becomes so weak in times of hopelessness. It hasn't even been that bad, but it has been there. In the way I treat my wife, I have been selfish and sinned. In the things that I let my eyes linger on, I have been selfish and sinned. In my treatment of students, I have been weary and sinned.

But remembrance, remembrance is the key to obedience. As pointed out in the Abraham story, building the altars to remember what the Lord had done for him. I don't know why I always forget this important part of the Biblical narrative. What You have done for me is great! And recent, and relevant even to my frustration and struggle. You had answered my prayer, giving a way for the community to thoughtfully and worshipfully engage in each other's injustices. And it's an inspired idea, because it came from a time of prayer with You.

Joyful, joyful we adore Thee! For the things that You've done that we recognize: the cross, giving us Your Spirit, rising again, giving life, light and provision. For the things that You've done that we don't see: answering our prayers in unexpected fashion, walking with us through our frustration. Please help us to see this. And finally, we adore Thee for Your numerous blessings: my son's goofy giggle, my wife's arm thrown around my shoulders at night, my possible job change, my tennis team and our journey, my friends at Exodus, the transformation of lives...the glory of the LORD!

Let me walk in Your ways today Lord. Amen.

Entrusting Myself to Him

MONDAY 2.3.08 - 1 PETER 2:23-25
When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he mad no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. "He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed." For "you were like sheep going astray," but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

Today I think I'll go through this Scripture using lectio divina form in my entry as well as my reading.

READ. "When they hurled their insult at him, he did not retaliate..." This would have been the reaction of the world, this would have been an accepted response, this would have been even common sense. "Instead, he entrusted..." Instead implies that there is a different way, a different action. "He himself bore our sins..." You died for our sins, perhaps another way of saying the reactions of the world, You died for those reactions and actions of ours that are like the worlds. "so that we might to sins and live for righteousness..." Again, You died so that we do not have to retaliate, but can trust. You died so that we might not threaten, but may trust. "You were like sheep..." And we needed You to die for that and need to be continually reminded that You died for that, for we are constantly tempted to walk the way of the world, the path of retaliation and threatening and protecting what is ours, but You have given us an example and a way back to Your paths.

THINK. What word or phrase really jumps out at me? "Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly." The phrase before this talks about when You suffered Lord Jesus, that You made no blustery threats. You didn't threaten God, You didn't threaten man, You didn't threaten Yourself as You dealt with the suffering. When I suffer, I believe I am fairly just in not lashing out at others, but how often my reaction to suffering is to lash out at You, or even at myself.

Recently, there has certainly been a conviction of mine that I am to persevere through sufferings. Again, I hardly know what this means and in my mind its been a lot like, "well, when we suffer I guess we sit back and take it on the chin." To sum up what it feels like to me, I would say that we I think of persevering through trials, it seems very passive. However, this phrase that is jumping out at me, in this phrase entrust is a verb. It is a verb set counter to the verbs of retaliate and making threats. Both retaliation and making threats are active, so to set this word entrust opposite of them makes me feel that it is active as well. And let's be honest, it certainly takes some effort to trust through hardships and through suffering.

I think this "entrusting" theme fits in well with the rapidly more complete focus of my fast: joy. The book of James tells us to face trials with joy. Here Jesus faced suffering and trials with trust. I think the two of these are deeply wrapped up in one another. I listened to Rob Bell preach on joy on the way home from the ski trip this last weekend. He said one of the keys to joy is an appreciation for the gifts that we've already been given. Perhaps this is a key action of trust. Perhaps when trials and sufferings come, we can look back to what You have given us that is good, actively seeking out the places of blessing in our life and actively giving thanks. This goodness and this grace of Yours then allows us to trust that You are just, and that You will work through the bad in our present circumstances to give us more to praise about on the other side of the trial.

PRAY. Dear God, my Father. I want to take time to sift through the gifts You've given in my life. I have a wife that I love and who loves me back, even where's a t-shirt that proclaims it. I have a son who is healthy, adorable, and I love him. I have a community that will struggle for one another, who wants to pick me up when I am down, and who reaches out to one another. I have seen You work tremendously through them, as they have grown healthy in faith from places of hurt. I have all the provisions of money, food, and shelter that I could ask for. Perhaps You are making a way for me to find even more contentment and excitement in my job. You are a God of blessings, thank You, thank You, thank You.

Therefore, I trust where You will lead Exodus. I trust You in helping me raise my son. I trust You with areas of my sexuality and lust that I struggle with, if I follow Your commands these will be healthier and whole. Please do not let me be dragged aside by lies of more contentment, excitement, or fulfillment, for life has proven to me that all these things are better satisfied by You than by the sins of this world. You are the one who makes all things redeemed and whole, therefore I will trust You.

LIVE. How will I live this out today? Simple, a way to keep my mind on You. Every hour throughout the day I am going to write on a note card a blessing that came from You in the past hour. I trust that You will bring me through this day in joy!

A Developing Joy

FRIDAY 2.29.08 - REVELATION 1:12-18
And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, and among the lampstands was someone "like a son of man," dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair were white like wool, white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance. When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One: I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades."

Well, as far as the fast goes today is the halfway point. Resurrection Sunday is only 23 days away, as weird as that sounds that Resurrection Sunday is in March. As far as things are going, well, I have to shake my head in amazement at the way that You work. It's amazing how You accomplish exactly what we set out to accomplish while it takes me like twenty days to figure out what is going on. Last summer, when I decided that I would undertake a fast, the motivating factor was that I have never truly experienced joy on Resurrection Sunday. Oh, I've been wow'ed by cantatas, I've thought deep and hard about Jesus death for me (and the whole rest of the world), and I've even become emotion at the fact that we sent our Savior to the cross to save us, and yet don't always live in right gratefulness for that. I guess I've experienced a gamit of emotions on Resurrection Sunday, but they've typically been ones better suited for "Good" Friday. Usually guilt, sadness, remorse, remorseful praise, and the like. I guess maybe that's not a gamit is it, it's too one-sided.

So joy on Resurrection Sunday. Overall, this last week (starting last week) I have begun to see the work that You are doing in me. Last Wednesday and Thursday I began thinking about joy, not even remembering that it was the reason I started the fast. Then, I taught about joy in my middle school Bible classes. Continually I've been bombarded with this notion of joy. And I think I'm starting to learn.

Joy is the attitude of hoping and waiting. It is the attitude of trusting You that You are true, that You will act in Your time and it will be good. And I see that to have joy come Resurrection Sunday, I need to develop it in my life for all times. Because it's an attitude not a feeling. I may not feel happy this Easter (although I think I probably will because I will get to eat again). But I'm pretty sure I'll feel hopeful, because You are developing that in me throughout these weeks.

And why not be hopeful!? Just read the Lent passage for today. Hair like white wool, eyes like a blazing fire, feet bronze and glowing, voice like the rushing waters. My God, You are a strong, mysterious, and powerful God. And You say to me, "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One: I was dead, behold I am alive for ever and ever!" Wow, what power of words You have. As I seek to find joy for Resurrection Sunday, You were dead, behold You are alive for ever and ever!

That is the reason to hope, this God, You, of bronze and rushing waters and blazing fires, of all power is alive for ever and ever. This God, You, don't want us to be afraid. This God, You, says if I am for you, in all my power and 'kabowd', who can stand against me. Jesus, I rejoice in You! I hope in You!

Take my life, this one You've filled with joy, for I believe it is best used in Your service. As I wait, show me the way to walk. Keep my eyes on You. It is ever the temptation for me to deal with me and then look to You.

You know the rest of this prayer. I am seeking You with expectancy and desparation. Luckily, You are developing in my patience and hope. Keep making me more Your disciple, for I love You.

The Rivers Clap Their Hands

MONDAY 2.25.08 - Psalm 98:5-9
make music to the LORD with the harp, with the harp and the sound of singing, with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn - shout for joy before the LORD, the King. Let the sea resound, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it. Let the rivers clap their hands, let the mountains sing together for joy; let them sing before the LORD, for he comes to judge the earth. He will judge the world in righteousness and the peoples with equity.

I've had a joyful day. Writing to You at night simply feels weird, it doesn't have the same freshness. I don't know, my whole day is sitting there before me, both the good and the bad. The good, man today was the best day of my fast. Spiritually I wanted and desired Your presence all day long and seemed to find some measure of it.

I will tell You what the key has been the last couple days. Well, it's not a formula or magic cure all. But actually focusing on You instead of me really helps. It's like the book "A Long Way Down" that Bryan and I listened to on the way back from Florida last year. There is nothing in my life that has really changed over the past couple days. Same situations are obviously present. But, somehow I don't feel poorly about all this anymore. And all I've done (and I don't want to take credit at all), is pray a bit more.

And when I say pray a bit, I mean stupid prayers. That's what makes Your response all the more unbelievable. Prayers like, "LORD help Exodus." And that's it. But many times that I had empty space in my head today, I tried to fill it with those short prayers. Oh that this continues into tomorrow!

Shout for joy, for the LORD is king! I love this idea. I hate that I forget. You are in control, You are the reason to hope. Exodus needs You, because like the Pharisees we desire to be Your people, but unlike the Pharisees we don't want to get bogged down in our own traditions and rules so that we neglect what is more important. Don't let this joy be just for me, this inexplicable joy, but instead let it lead me into more prayer, and the prayer lead me to action for You.

I'm just spouting off right now. This is a very crazy emotional outburst. It is one that I do not understand. I have no reason to feel as optimistic as I do...but I do. If Christ is King then hope is real, no matter what the suffering or situation. Right now I feel that, maybe soon I won't. I don't know. But I want to thank You for a day lived in joy. And may creation join in the praise with me!

This is What It Means to be Israel

I want to simply sit in Your presence Lord. I want to give You the personal praise and worship that You deserve. I read this week in "A Long Obedience..." a really interesting quote about worship, that is an act that brings about feelings for God. I also read a really interesting paraphrase of Psalm 122, it says this:

"To give thanks to the name of God — this is what it means to be Israel."

It gave me pause because the Hebrew for Israel means "struggles with God." So in my mind, there's this interesting thought. Perhaps it sheds some light on the fact that praising God is not a simple, mindless thing. It is certainly an integral part of the life of a Christian, but perhaps it's supposed to be much deeper than applauding along to some "praise and worship" songs.

So this week I have certainly struggled to find time for You in a week that was supposed to be the beginning of a real dedication to that. Faculty meetings, long ball games, late nights and early mornings, friends, responsibilities, all sorts of things add up. And I could spend this time questioning myself, my ability to be disciplined in a time that is focused on discipline, my motivation or anything else.

But instead, this is all supposed to be about You anyways. So praise be to the Father! And praise be to the Son! And praise be to the Holy Spirit! The Godhead, three-in-one!

I thank this week for my son. He's not had the best week ever, as he's become fussier and definitely is starting to show a bit of preference for mom (can't blame him, she's prettier!) But Thursday night he snuggled into the crevice of my arm as I lay and watch a basketball game while Courtney read on the floor of the living room. That's a touching scene to me, what a reminder of the blessings of family that accompany me on my journey! Praise be to the Father, You've allowed me to experience being a father for myself.

Thank You for companions. So Bryan and Joel both decided to join and go along, and I simply beseech You for their success. But what a wonderful surprise! Community creating discipline, the life-giving no experienced together. I can't express the pride I had in the way that You are working in my friends as they expressed desire to come along in this journey, to experience it for themselves.

Thank You for being in my thoughts. As I've picked up and read Peterson again this week, discussed Rob Bell with mom, read from Robert Alter's translation and commentary on the Psalms, all sorts of God-inspired thought has popped into my mind. I love to mediate on these questions, these ideas, and on Your life and Your Word. Let it continue to fill me inside so that I can be amazed by Your breadth and depth. Simple questions have amazed me: How long before the crucifixion did You begin to think about the pain and horror that You would have to go through? How long did it loom on the horizon? Or were You the master of living in the here and now, dedicated Your actions here to God's purposes and letting the Father do all the advance planning? It blows my mind to think with that as an "ending" You were able to continue to notice the pains and ills of those around You. When I'm stressed and worried I become selfish. With the biggest of all self-sacrifices ahead of You, You never even seemed stressed until the night before, and You certainly didn't let it put You in fear and inaction.

Thank You for allowing me to lose weight. It's a great discipline motivator. I want to acknowledge it, because it is nice. But I also want to thank You, for You are the one thing I really want to become close to. Take not Your presence from me, but walk with me towards Easter, to celebrate Resurrection together and then to participate in Resurrection life then after.

I love You Lord, and sleep calls. Thank You for my bed, and my loving wife who cuddles me into warmth. You the maker of my joy! It all takes root from You and Your magnificent creation. Continue to be close. Please accept my praise and worship.