Thank You first of all. Gideon was able to sleep through the night last night and that is awesome. I feel like I actually was able to get some shut eye without worrying whether Courtney was getting mad at me because she was having to rock him to sleep, and without having to rock him to sleep myself, or even feel bad about letting him "cry it out." SO thanks. That is a big prayer request that has been answered.
And thanks to for the beautiful snow. I really hope that it stays around throughout the Christmas season, and was kind of hoping that it would cause a delay for us this morning. But either way, I'm grateful for the beauty that just happens, that we have nothing to do with but that we get to enjoy.
I've been thinking and studying this week, as the last Advent Sunday approaches, about the topic of obedience. The best way that I can describe it so far is living, going about our business in a Godly manner, and then all the sudden Your presence falls all around us and we stand back and are amazed at the beauty. Like the snow that hangs on the tips of all of the trees.
So for me, that means, instead of focusing on how I need to wait, I actually need to focus on how I will obey. Certainly yesterday I left the topic of waiting a bit to talk about my anemic prayer life. So that is perhaps an area where further effort could be focused. Also, discipline in general could be an area of obedience. I certainly have "fallen off the wagon" since, I don't know, Thanksgiving or so. I can't really name why other than that I've just been super tired. But You are renewing me every day.
I would love to give more thought to this. And I'm going to. Today at school, I'm having my 7th grade students consider a "Rule of Life." It's a discipline plan of spiritual disciplines and how often they are going to use them. I'm going to sit down and make my plan. I'm then going to post it here, and then I will stick with it. Today, this is where my obedience will begin.
Showing posts with label Advent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advent. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Fifteen
I often have difficulty right now sitting down and praying. When I start praying the list of things that I need to pray for seems overwhelming, and so I get through praying for Courtney and Gideon and then I simply stop. Sometimes I get started on the next topic of prayer, which is intermittently Exodus or my brother or sister or her boyfriend, or some random events at school, or tennis, or whatever... but rarely do I spend a significant amount of time in prayer.
And I know that prayer is not all about time. I know that we can offer short little prayers throughout the day. I know that prayer can be an attitude, an awareness, a .searching for Your presence and recognizing Your work. I suppose that is what this blog is, what I'm trying to do with these words and in these early mornings.
But intercessory prayer, I lack that ability to truly keep things things before on the behalf of others. I mean, really I lack that ability for myself too. I really admire parents who say they have prayed every day for the future path of their son or daughter. While I'm really concerned and trying to help guide Gideon the best that I can, I certainly haven't prayed for him even everyday. Some people will get real specific even and pray for the spouse of their child even when their child is young. I can't do that. I can't remember that many things.
The only success I've ever had with prayer was making a list. During tennis season, I made a list of all the players on my team and what I felt I needed to pray for them for. Then I would try everyday to go through that list. I didn't always make it through, but more often than not I remembered. In college I also made a list my senior year of all the things I needed to pray for each night on the side margins of my journal. Then I would pray through all of those side margins.
I need to make a list. I'm afraid it would become overwhelming, but I still need to make a list. It allows me to remember to pray at least. It will be constantly growing, constantly changing, but that will allow me to see even better how You are working in the lives of those around me.
As I think about waiting, prayer seems like one of those things I can control. Help me to do so with more regularity.
And I know that prayer is not all about time. I know that we can offer short little prayers throughout the day. I know that prayer can be an attitude, an awareness, a .searching for Your presence and recognizing Your work. I suppose that is what this blog is, what I'm trying to do with these words and in these early mornings.
But intercessory prayer, I lack that ability to truly keep things things before on the behalf of others. I mean, really I lack that ability for myself too. I really admire parents who say they have prayed every day for the future path of their son or daughter. While I'm really concerned and trying to help guide Gideon the best that I can, I certainly haven't prayed for him even everyday. Some people will get real specific even and pray for the spouse of their child even when their child is young. I can't do that. I can't remember that many things.
The only success I've ever had with prayer was making a list. During tennis season, I made a list of all the players on my team and what I felt I needed to pray for them for. Then I would try everyday to go through that list. I didn't always make it through, but more often than not I remembered. In college I also made a list my senior year of all the things I needed to pray for each night on the side margins of my journal. Then I would pray through all of those side margins.
I need to make a list. I'm afraid it would become overwhelming, but I still need to make a list. It allows me to remember to pray at least. It will be constantly growing, constantly changing, but that will allow me to see even better how You are working in the lives of those around me.
As I think about waiting, prayer seems like one of those things I can control. Help me to do so with more regularity.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Eleven
You know what I need before I even say a thing.
In celebrating waiting here, before we get to Christmas season, I have to say I have actually struggled in the pursuit of Your presence. It hasn't been the normal holiday craziness that we often can claim, and how that holiday busyness keeps us away from You. That's what is concerning to me though. Because it is not just the extra stresses of the season, then the blame must fall fully on me. I'm tired though, of starting every conversation with You with self-indictment. Yes, I haven't been the best follower, call it failure if You want, but this is my effort at repentance. I am ready to walk in the opposite direction today, in the direction that leads to You.
As I read the psalm today, I realize what a weak view I have of myself. The last line of the psalm is to "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." I find that very interesting. Those of us who hope, who have been crying to You and repenting, actively clearing space for You in our lives, now we are to be strong because of our hope. It's interesting, You would think that with all the acknowledgment of how broken we are, and a view of how great You are, that we would be told to stay weak. But there is this encouragement to be strong.
I really wonder what be strong entails. When I looked it up just now in the original language, it seems to indicate a making strong, a rebuilding, a repairing. So when the verse says be strong, it is actually talking about restore and repairing the places we are damaged. And we do that because we hope in the Lord.
Okay, I'm damaged. Okay, I've been tired and I lack discipline. Okay, I will be strong and take heart. My cry today then changes, I know that You are the One who restores. Come and join me in the process of putting my life back together in a responsible, disciplined, Christ-like way. It's not that it has been terribly bad, it's not like I've fallen off the deep end, but it will be good to have Your hands moving with mine to keep everything in check. Thank You Father. Amen.
In celebrating waiting here, before we get to Christmas season, I have to say I have actually struggled in the pursuit of Your presence. It hasn't been the normal holiday craziness that we often can claim, and how that holiday busyness keeps us away from You. That's what is concerning to me though. Because it is not just the extra stresses of the season, then the blame must fall fully on me. I'm tired though, of starting every conversation with You with self-indictment. Yes, I haven't been the best follower, call it failure if You want, but this is my effort at repentance. I am ready to walk in the opposite direction today, in the direction that leads to You.
As I read the psalm today, I realize what a weak view I have of myself. The last line of the psalm is to "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." I find that very interesting. Those of us who hope, who have been crying to You and repenting, actively clearing space for You in our lives, now we are to be strong because of our hope. It's interesting, You would think that with all the acknowledgment of how broken we are, and a view of how great You are, that we would be told to stay weak. But there is this encouragement to be strong.
I really wonder what be strong entails. When I looked it up just now in the original language, it seems to indicate a making strong, a rebuilding, a repairing. So when the verse says be strong, it is actually talking about restore and repairing the places we are damaged. And we do that because we hope in the Lord.
Okay, I'm damaged. Okay, I've been tired and I lack discipline. Okay, I will be strong and take heart. My cry today then changes, I know that You are the One who restores. Come and join me in the process of putting my life back together in a responsible, disciplined, Christ-like way. It's not that it has been terribly bad, it's not like I've fallen off the deep end, but it will be good to have Your hands moving with mine to keep everything in check. Thank You Father. Amen.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Seven
It's amazing how easy it is to be undisciplined on the weekends. My eating gets out of order, my exercise time is nill, and my time in the Word is usually rushed. When I have the most time, I spend it poorly. Well, that's not entirely true. Saturdays are difficult because we sleep in, Gideon joins us in bed, and then when we get up we make pancakes and coffee and listen to Christmas music. It's my favorite family tradition. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it means that my devotional time cannot be right after I get up. Same with my exercise time.
Sundays I have no excuses, although I am usually up before Courtney and Gideon, I usually just like to chill out. Like this weekend I just wanted to watch Sportscenter and eat a slow breakfast. But still, I have the whole rest of the day after church and I never use it wisely either.
So Monday seems like a re-acquaintance time. So without further explanation, let's jump into the text.
Psalm 25, Isaiah 5:8-23
"The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."
I can't tell You why, but I have felt stressed several times over the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep on a Monday night so I got up to watch TV in the middle of the night. Last night I tossed and turned all the way up to this mornings alarm. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. And that adds to the stress because I feel like I need to just turn my mind off and rest, but then I start worrying about whether I'm going to be able to do that and it all turns out as a big mess.
Thing that is driving me insane though is that I don't have anything that I'm really worried about. Christmas time isn't a stressful time for me. We've got most of our shopping done, I love spending time with family, and as of right now we don't have any more Christmas parties to go to. Gideon's birthday is next weekend, but that is pretty well set too. Just have to figure out decorations, but I don't get that stressed about things like that. School has been difficult the last couple weeks, but that has really settled down now. So I don't know what, exactly, is my problem.
As we head into a week of hope, I need to know that You are dedicated to freeing me from my anguish. I'm willing to take a look at my life and change things that need to be changed, but it means a lot to me to know that You are working to free me from unknown stresses as well. As the psalm also says, "My hope is in You all day long."
Sundays I have no excuses, although I am usually up before Courtney and Gideon, I usually just like to chill out. Like this weekend I just wanted to watch Sportscenter and eat a slow breakfast. But still, I have the whole rest of the day after church and I never use it wisely either.
So Monday seems like a re-acquaintance time. So without further explanation, let's jump into the text.
Psalm 25, Isaiah 5:8-23
"The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish."
I can't tell You why, but I have felt stressed several times over the last couple weeks. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep on a Monday night so I got up to watch TV in the middle of the night. Last night I tossed and turned all the way up to this mornings alarm. I know I'm not getting enough sleep. And that adds to the stress because I feel like I need to just turn my mind off and rest, but then I start worrying about whether I'm going to be able to do that and it all turns out as a big mess.
Thing that is driving me insane though is that I don't have anything that I'm really worried about. Christmas time isn't a stressful time for me. We've got most of our shopping done, I love spending time with family, and as of right now we don't have any more Christmas parties to go to. Gideon's birthday is next weekend, but that is pretty well set too. Just have to figure out decorations, but I don't get that stressed about things like that. School has been difficult the last couple weeks, but that has really settled down now. So I don't know what, exactly, is my problem.
As we head into a week of hope, I need to know that You are dedicated to freeing me from my anguish. I'm willing to take a look at my life and change things that need to be changed, but it means a lot to me to know that You are working to free me from unknown stresses as well. As the psalm also says, "My hope is in You all day long."
Friday, December 5, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Four
Yesterday, I got on the tennis blog and wrote a long post about what constitutes success as a tennis team. My final verdict in the contemplation was that memories and relationships define success. So what defines success in my faith? Or since we are talking about waiting, what defines success at the end of the process of waiting?
It's an important question, because expectations often throw everything off. If I get really excited about Chinese food and then Courtney comes home and makes my favorite casserole, I'm still going to be a little sad. So it seems that I want to have the right expectations when it comes to this waiting time with You, Lord.
Interestingly, their is some promise of deliverance that goes along with the waiting. It is one of the things that we hope for, to be freed from our sins. But I'm going to say that being freed from your sins cannot be the definition of the success of waiting. Here's why: You are always going to sin. Sure it may be true that the Lord brings us out of an area of severe captivity, but human nature says that if we focus on that, our triumph over one area of temptation, then we will fall victim to another area of temptation. I feel like deliverance is certainly going to happen, it's just not the part that defines the success of our waiting.
The success then all goes back to what we are waiting for. I am waiting for Your presence. Therefore, if You show up, in whatever way that You choose, then my time of waiting has come to fruition. The scary thing (oh, please don't let this happen!) is that You could show up in many ways, like comfort for something that has gone drastically wrong. It wouldn't seem like success because of tragedy, yet it would be an answer to the time of waiting.
The end of Psalm 17 is what got me to thinking all of this. David writes about how he is crying to the Lord, has committed himself not to sin, served the Lord in righteousness, and is hoping for God's deliverance. All of these follow the themes of waiting that I have been contemplating this week. Crying, repentance, obedience, hope. But his final line sums up his view of the success of this prayer.
And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
Satisfaction comes from seeing You. From seeing Your likeness. From being in Your presence. It not in the way You answer requests, the things we gather for ourselves, or even the deliverance that You provide. No, it is simply that we awake and You are there.
How can I live life without optimism then, without satisfaction. For even when I don't feel it, I know that You are there. How can I live my life downcast when the satisfaction we all seek is found in the smallest pleasure, enjoying the presence of our Creator.
It's an important question, because expectations often throw everything off. If I get really excited about Chinese food and then Courtney comes home and makes my favorite casserole, I'm still going to be a little sad. So it seems that I want to have the right expectations when it comes to this waiting time with You, Lord.
Interestingly, their is some promise of deliverance that goes along with the waiting. It is one of the things that we hope for, to be freed from our sins. But I'm going to say that being freed from your sins cannot be the definition of the success of waiting. Here's why: You are always going to sin. Sure it may be true that the Lord brings us out of an area of severe captivity, but human nature says that if we focus on that, our triumph over one area of temptation, then we will fall victim to another area of temptation. I feel like deliverance is certainly going to happen, it's just not the part that defines the success of our waiting.
The success then all goes back to what we are waiting for. I am waiting for Your presence. Therefore, if You show up, in whatever way that You choose, then my time of waiting has come to fruition. The scary thing (oh, please don't let this happen!) is that You could show up in many ways, like comfort for something that has gone drastically wrong. It wouldn't seem like success because of tragedy, yet it would be an answer to the time of waiting.
The end of Psalm 17 is what got me to thinking all of this. David writes about how he is crying to the Lord, has committed himself not to sin, served the Lord in righteousness, and is hoping for God's deliverance. All of these follow the themes of waiting that I have been contemplating this week. Crying, repentance, obedience, hope. But his final line sums up his view of the success of this prayer.
And I—in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
Satisfaction comes from seeing You. From seeing Your likeness. From being in Your presence. It not in the way You answer requests, the things we gather for ourselves, or even the deliverance that You provide. No, it is simply that we awake and You are there.
How can I live life without optimism then, without satisfaction. For even when I don't feel it, I know that You are there. How can I live my life downcast when the satisfaction we all seek is found in the smallest pleasure, enjoying the presence of our Creator.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Three
What am I learning today? That whenever I try to slow down and accomplish some devotion and time spent in waiting, the things of life try to speed me up. I know that there is spiritual "warfare" or whatever going on, but it feels weird to say the devil is trying to ruin things. But I guess that could be said.
This morning, I had an early teacher's meeting. So I planned to get up at 5:00, spend a half hour on the Advent passage, then go to the gym for a half hour. Gideon spoiled those plans with his fourth or fifth ear infection, I've lost count. He woke at 3:56 and kept me awake until about 5:00. At that point, I decided that I would sleep in until 6:00, then do my devotions during my prep period at school and go to the gym after school.
Then Courtney called me during the beginning of my prep period, informing me that I needed to go get medicine for Gideon and take it to the other side of Goshen this morning. I'm not happy about that, because it means my devotional time will have to get moved again. But I decided to say no to moving my time with You Lord. So, although it is a little briefer here, I am committed to fitting it in.
Psalm 18
I find it interesting that in the middle of Advent, which is about waiting, that we find a psalm in which the cry is answered and God "parted the heavens and came down." I mean, when I think about waiting, I think in large quantities of time. I guess, I don't think of it as something that is fairly immediately answered, like within 4 days of the start of Advent we're already at God coming down.
But it does get back at the point that I uncovered yesterday during my study time, that obedience is part of waiting. And the act of obedience at that, because in this psalm, God comes down and rewards the psalmist of the basis of "the cleanness of my hands." Based on the righteous acts he has performed or the unrighteous things that have been left undone, God's presence has come to the author in a saving way. And this psalm is also filled with mighty images, exposing the foundations of the earth and laying the seas bare and all. So God comes down in a mighty way to save those who wait.
Maybe that is why this is here. To remember that we are waiting in hope. That what we wait for will really happen. That we don't have to be waiting in vain, in despair, but instead with expectancy.
I know that we all hate formulas, so what I'm learning may be best expressed this way:
Biblical waiting is a combination, in some fashion of : crying, repentance, obedience, and hope.
Sounds like an Advent teaching series just lying in wait!
This morning, I had an early teacher's meeting. So I planned to get up at 5:00, spend a half hour on the Advent passage, then go to the gym for a half hour. Gideon spoiled those plans with his fourth or fifth ear infection, I've lost count. He woke at 3:56 and kept me awake until about 5:00. At that point, I decided that I would sleep in until 6:00, then do my devotions during my prep period at school and go to the gym after school.
Then Courtney called me during the beginning of my prep period, informing me that I needed to go get medicine for Gideon and take it to the other side of Goshen this morning. I'm not happy about that, because it means my devotional time will have to get moved again. But I decided to say no to moving my time with You Lord. So, although it is a little briefer here, I am committed to fitting it in.
Psalm 18
I find it interesting that in the middle of Advent, which is about waiting, that we find a psalm in which the cry is answered and God "parted the heavens and came down." I mean, when I think about waiting, I think in large quantities of time. I guess, I don't think of it as something that is fairly immediately answered, like within 4 days of the start of Advent we're already at God coming down.
But it does get back at the point that I uncovered yesterday during my study time, that obedience is part of waiting. And the act of obedience at that, because in this psalm, God comes down and rewards the psalmist of the basis of "the cleanness of my hands." Based on the righteous acts he has performed or the unrighteous things that have been left undone, God's presence has come to the author in a saving way. And this psalm is also filled with mighty images, exposing the foundations of the earth and laying the seas bare and all. So God comes down in a mighty way to save those who wait.
Maybe that is why this is here. To remember that we are waiting in hope. That what we wait for will really happen. That we don't have to be waiting in vain, in despair, but instead with expectancy.
I know that we all hate formulas, so what I'm learning may be best expressed this way:
Biblical waiting is a combination, in some fashion of : crying, repentance, obedience, and hope.
Sounds like an Advent teaching series just lying in wait!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day Two
Readings: Psalm 119:1-24, Isaiah 2:1-11
Yesterday, I came before You and searched the Scriptures to find that waiting begins with the cry and the act of repentance. Today the Scriptures are pointing to a very difficult piece of repentance that I struggle with, and I'll go out on a limb and say it's a piece that everyone struggles with. A huge part of repentance is obedience.
Repentance always seems really simple to me. My view on repentance has always been that it is about admitting our sins and feeling bad about them. It is about humbling ourselves before God's laws and God's presence. I've always thought, Lord, that I'm a fairly introspective person, and I don't mind admitting that I've done wrong. So many times I've come before you with admission of guilt.
But connecting the feeling of penance to actually changing the way I behave is much harder. I've tried all sorts of schemes, but it always seems that my self-control and my will power to live in accordance to Your word is not up to snuff with my ability to identify wrong. I know that I'm human, and I'll always be covered in sin, but the same things plague me day after day.
Repentance involves a turning away from things that take us away from You. Perhaps I should take up the chorus from Isaiah 2: "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths."
One of the reasons I seek Your presence in daily life is because I need to be filled with knowledge and desire to walk in Your ways and not my own. Obedience is the next action step after reflection. I pray that You can truly be inspiring that change in me during this Advent season.
What I've learned so far about waiting...
Waiting = Cry + Repentance + Obedience
Yesterday, I came before You and searched the Scriptures to find that waiting begins with the cry and the act of repentance. Today the Scriptures are pointing to a very difficult piece of repentance that I struggle with, and I'll go out on a limb and say it's a piece that everyone struggles with. A huge part of repentance is obedience.
Repentance always seems really simple to me. My view on repentance has always been that it is about admitting our sins and feeling bad about them. It is about humbling ourselves before God's laws and God's presence. I've always thought, Lord, that I'm a fairly introspective person, and I don't mind admitting that I've done wrong. So many times I've come before you with admission of guilt.
But connecting the feeling of penance to actually changing the way I behave is much harder. I've tried all sorts of schemes, but it always seems that my self-control and my will power to live in accordance to Your word is not up to snuff with my ability to identify wrong. I know that I'm human, and I'll always be covered in sin, but the same things plague me day after day.
Repentance involves a turning away from things that take us away from You. Perhaps I should take up the chorus from Isaiah 2: "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob. He will teach us his ways, so that we may walk in his paths."
One of the reasons I seek Your presence in daily life is because I need to be filled with knowledge and desire to walk in Your ways and not my own. Obedience is the next action step after reflection. I pray that You can truly be inspiring that change in me during this Advent season.
What I've learned so far about waiting...
Waiting = Cry + Repentance + Obedience
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Theology of Waiting: Day One
Readings: Psalms 5 & 6, Isaiah 1:10-20
This year, Exodus is following the church calendar year and celebrating Advent. I've decided to pick up some readings and follow along as well. And I need to. The season of Advent is all about the coming of Your presence among us. The season of Advent celebrates Your power of deliverance, but acknowledges to begin with that there are times when we don't feel that You are with us at all. Maybe it is divine appointment, but I feel that I am in one of those times right now.
So as Psalm 5 says, I'm here this morning to lay my requests before You and begin the process of waiting in expectation. My request is rather simple, I want to want this again. Tiredness and distance have made this morning devotional time seem like a formality rather than a relished opportunity to commune with the Holy. I want this time to be like the times of my fast, where I was eager to seek Your presence. I have not taken the time since tennis season to wait on You with any expectation. Now I am slowing myself down and deciding to wait. Will You please honor that by showing up?
And so...what do I do in this waiting? That is the question I seek to figure out during this Advent season. I cannot be inactive and just assume Your work will relieve me of all responsibilities. I must be active in my faith, but the question is how?
First thing I notice from the psalms this morning is the cry. Look at all of these verses:
- Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.
- Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
- My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
- I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
I see from that set that the crying out part of waiting is important. I cannot be waiting on Your presence and be silent about it. That has been my problem since tennis season. In my hurried devotional times, I have read Scripture and not digested it. But my biggest mistake was not taking the time to pray. This blog is basically a prayer. My poetry blog is many things, but during the last cycle it wasn't really a prayer. So not posting here was a rushing of things, not a time saver at all. Here I bring before You my thoughts and words. Here I cry to You, I need Your presence!
Cry is important, I wish I could just stop with this because it seems focused for this morning. But there is certainly another strand wrapping through the readings this morning. That is the strand of obedience and right living. The strand of giving up our sinful attitudes. It is strong in Isaiah:
- Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.
- When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; even if you offer many prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood; wash and make yourselves clean.
That last Scripture especially hits home this morning. When I reach out to You in prayer, You will not receive unless I have washed an made myself clean. Repentance, it goes right along with waiting. Primary actions of waiting seem to include crying and repenting.
Maybe I should say a word about repenting too, it means that I am also committing to live rightly from this day forward. So that's my goal today. See my efforts Lord, my successes and my failures, but know that I will strive today to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" In the daily grind of the school day, help me to "seek justice, encourage the oppressed..."
And begin to come to me in Your presence, I am finally waiting.
This year, Exodus is following the church calendar year and celebrating Advent. I've decided to pick up some readings and follow along as well. And I need to. The season of Advent is all about the coming of Your presence among us. The season of Advent celebrates Your power of deliverance, but acknowledges to begin with that there are times when we don't feel that You are with us at all. Maybe it is divine appointment, but I feel that I am in one of those times right now.
So as Psalm 5 says, I'm here this morning to lay my requests before You and begin the process of waiting in expectation. My request is rather simple, I want to want this again. Tiredness and distance have made this morning devotional time seem like a formality rather than a relished opportunity to commune with the Holy. I want this time to be like the times of my fast, where I was eager to seek Your presence. I have not taken the time since tennis season to wait on You with any expectation. Now I am slowing myself down and deciding to wait. Will You please honor that by showing up?
And so...what do I do in this waiting? That is the question I seek to figure out during this Advent season. I cannot be inactive and just assume Your work will relieve me of all responsibilities. I must be active in my faith, but the question is how?
First thing I notice from the psalms this morning is the cry. Look at all of these verses:
- Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.
- Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
- My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
- I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
I see from that set that the crying out part of waiting is important. I cannot be waiting on Your presence and be silent about it. That has been my problem since tennis season. In my hurried devotional times, I have read Scripture and not digested it. But my biggest mistake was not taking the time to pray. This blog is basically a prayer. My poetry blog is many things, but during the last cycle it wasn't really a prayer. So not posting here was a rushing of things, not a time saver at all. Here I bring before You my thoughts and words. Here I cry to You, I need Your presence!
Cry is important, I wish I could just stop with this because it seems focused for this morning. But there is certainly another strand wrapping through the readings this morning. That is the strand of obedience and right living. The strand of giving up our sinful attitudes. It is strong in Isaiah:
- Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.
- When you spread out your hands in prayer, I will hide my eyes from you; even if you offer many prayers, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood; wash and make yourselves clean.
That last Scripture especially hits home this morning. When I reach out to You in prayer, You will not receive unless I have washed an made myself clean. Repentance, it goes right along with waiting. Primary actions of waiting seem to include crying and repenting.
Maybe I should say a word about repenting too, it means that I am also committing to live rightly from this day forward. So that's my goal today. See my efforts Lord, my successes and my failures, but know that I will strive today to "stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" In the daily grind of the school day, help me to "seek justice, encourage the oppressed..."
And begin to come to me in Your presence, I am finally waiting.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Barren
Lord, I'm really trying hard to be alive for You in this Advent season. I'm so intrigued by the idea of waiting for You, the idea that Advent season, when we take it seriously, teaches us to wait in anticipation. To wait in anticipation for Christmas, to wait in anticipation for the coming renewal of all things, but most importantly, to wait in anticipation to see what You are doing in our lives right now.
So, waiting basically is really hard work because nothing seems to be happening. And it's not just me who feels this way. Bryan, who is also trying to take the Advent season very seriously, also feels like this. In some ways, it feels super unfair. We're trying to be committed and take what You say to heart, and yet it feels like Your true presence is far from us. Or worse that we're being ignored.
I know that these times are the hardest for me spiritually. I thrive on being able to feel Your presence, Your leading and direction. Whether that is in the things that I am leading, or in the Bible reading that I do, or whatever else, my faith is built on times of relational closeness with You. When that's not there, I feel dead. And tired. And not really like trying. So it's weird, these past couple weeks, despite the confusion of Your "withdrawl," the deadness, the tiredness, I've tried to push through and see what it is that You want me to hear, what it is that You want me to do.
I'm still waiting.
Maybe that's the point. I am reading this morning through the Christmas story in Luke. I've been wanting to read the gospels again and just finished Matthew, so this morning I started into Luke. I think Luke Christmas story is the most awesome, not because it goes into the most detail about Christ's birth (which it does) but because it also sets up Christ's birth with the birth of John the Baptist, the one who prepares the way for the Lord. I think it is a very neat account in the first chapter of Luke about preparing.
That's kind of what Advent is about to. Well, not kind of. That is what Advent is about. As you wait for Christmas and for Christ to arrive, you prepare yourself and I suppose others for what He is going to do. Okay. So this tale of John the Baptist is crucial in Advent, because this is a tale of waiting and preparation.
As I'm reading, the word that just jumped right off the page at me was barren. "Because Elizabeth was barren..." Just kind of a random word, just factual, informing us why Zechariah and Elizabeth didn't have any children. But very descriptive of where I feel I am at in my waiting and preparation. Interesting to that Elizabeth was barren, the child she does have ends up going to the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord. He lives in the barren desert. Probably no connection, but it is intriguing to me.
There seems to be many things involved in preparing ourselves and waiting. I am wondering if one of these important elements of waiting is barrenness. Finding yourself in the wilderness, confused and feeling alone. Perhaps it's a lesson of humility, showing us where we get to on our own merit and preparing us to see where God is going to take us.
I am sure it is part of the process, but Lord, I am not okay being here. Please help me to wait in this barren wilderness until You are truly leading me out.
So, waiting basically is really hard work because nothing seems to be happening. And it's not just me who feels this way. Bryan, who is also trying to take the Advent season very seriously, also feels like this. In some ways, it feels super unfair. We're trying to be committed and take what You say to heart, and yet it feels like Your true presence is far from us. Or worse that we're being ignored.
I know that these times are the hardest for me spiritually. I thrive on being able to feel Your presence, Your leading and direction. Whether that is in the things that I am leading, or in the Bible reading that I do, or whatever else, my faith is built on times of relational closeness with You. When that's not there, I feel dead. And tired. And not really like trying. So it's weird, these past couple weeks, despite the confusion of Your "withdrawl," the deadness, the tiredness, I've tried to push through and see what it is that You want me to hear, what it is that You want me to do.
I'm still waiting.
Maybe that's the point. I am reading this morning through the Christmas story in Luke. I've been wanting to read the gospels again and just finished Matthew, so this morning I started into Luke. I think Luke Christmas story is the most awesome, not because it goes into the most detail about Christ's birth (which it does) but because it also sets up Christ's birth with the birth of John the Baptist, the one who prepares the way for the Lord. I think it is a very neat account in the first chapter of Luke about preparing.
That's kind of what Advent is about to. Well, not kind of. That is what Advent is about. As you wait for Christmas and for Christ to arrive, you prepare yourself and I suppose others for what He is going to do. Okay. So this tale of John the Baptist is crucial in Advent, because this is a tale of waiting and preparation.
As I'm reading, the word that just jumped right off the page at me was barren. "Because Elizabeth was barren..." Just kind of a random word, just factual, informing us why Zechariah and Elizabeth didn't have any children. But very descriptive of where I feel I am at in my waiting and preparation. Interesting to that Elizabeth was barren, the child she does have ends up going to the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord. He lives in the barren desert. Probably no connection, but it is intriguing to me.
There seems to be many things involved in preparing ourselves and waiting. I am wondering if one of these important elements of waiting is barrenness. Finding yourself in the wilderness, confused and feeling alone. Perhaps it's a lesson of humility, showing us where we get to on our own merit and preparing us to see where God is going to take us.
I am sure it is part of the process, but Lord, I am not okay being here. Please help me to wait in this barren wilderness until You are truly leading me out.
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