This week was a week where I was determined to get things right. Things between You and me. Things with my church. Really get back into a full fledged relationship with You, spend more time communicating with You, turn my thoughts to You throughout my day. Really bring some heaven to my day on a regular basis.
What I'm increasingly finding is that I have to get away from my "earth" in order to experience "heaven," and that's not what I really want at all. In other words, they only times I ever think of You are when I'm removed from the situations of my life. When I'm teaching (even though it's the Bible!) I have difficulty focusing on Your way, on Your person, on following You. And so since I can't focus, I don't always naturally respond like I should. And so increasingly I'm finding that I'm not becoming the person God wants me to be (or at least not as fast as I think that I should).
And so I've tried to start the new year with attention. But the series of events that I am facing right now is making attention so hard, basically because they are sapping my energy, making me sleepy tired and then cranky, forgetful, selfish and angry. When Gideon won't sleep I don't get to sleep. This is the third night in a row that he's been up in the middle of the night. He cries and we can't do anything about it. He was up for more than an hour tonight, but 2:30 last night and a couple hours the night before that. It's draining to not get the amount of sleep that you plan for.
Also at the beginning of this week our shower has been out of commission while it is remodeled. So I've been having to shower at the school, which means giving myself more time in the morning to get there, shower, go pick up Clifton, and then get back to the school. Which again means... less sleep.
Oh, and the kicker to my stress levels? J-term. I'm teaching one class - all day - with no prep periods. None. I have a break for lunch and 15 minutes when the students get some snacks, but otherwise, no breaks. And during those breaks I have to grade or I fall woefully behind. So it is a solid day of grading and being with students, which is fine (I enjoy the teaching and conversation) but exhausting.
So how do I deal with all these things, while living as You would intend? How do I have the attention levels, the energy it takes to have those levels, when at times during the day I don't feel I have the energy to continue to stand up?
So today's devotional thought is a question. Will You be my strength? I've always wanted to declare, "The Lord is my strength and my song / He has become my salvation." Right now, this would be a time where You could give me cause.
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lent: Day 7
I think that it would be good to have another Ash Wednesday service tonight. I know that these rituals would eventually get old and not be as moving, but there is something about the concentrated holiness of those events, the purposeful silence. I realize that I could use silence as a way of worship every day, I'd just have to be intentional about it. If it is too early in the morning, I fall asleep. If it is in front of a computer, I become distracted. But if I could light a candle, sit in semi darkness at about 8:00 in the morning, wow, that would be worshipful.
I was so tired last night. I fell asleep while Courtney watched the Biggest Loser, at about 9:30. Then at 1:30 this morning, Gideon had a coughing fit and spent the rest of the night wheezing in the bed beside us. At 2:30 or so I got up and turned the hot water on and took Gideon in the shower, hoping that the humidity would break up his congestion. It worked, but only for an hour or so. It was a restless night, and I find myself even more tired in the morning than I was last night when I fell asleep at 9:30.
All that to say, life seems so stagnated when I'm tired. And honestly, a bit overwhelming. Last night I sat on the couch watching the Indiana basketball game dreading that I had forgotten to do something. That I had done something wrong during the day yesterday. That I'm a bad parent, or bad teacher, or all sorts of other derogatory things pointed at myself. None of them true. All of them causing some anxiety. What was that Lord?
In any case, I feel better about that today, being back in school. I do think it's time for some type of break, but that doesn't come until the first of April. And unfortunately, this year it doesn't come with any type of vacation attached to it. So, Lord strengthen me where I am. Work in my heart through the Scripture reading, be with my friends and family, somehow, even without the silence, renew me in this time.
How often do I praise You out of this tired condition? Not often, I'm usually grasping at You for energy when I'm so down and tired. Why not take this time however to recognize: "The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it!" That's Psalm 24. Or how about: " Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." You are good Lord, You instruct us, and You love us. Let that be enough for me today.
I was so tired last night. I fell asleep while Courtney watched the Biggest Loser, at about 9:30. Then at 1:30 this morning, Gideon had a coughing fit and spent the rest of the night wheezing in the bed beside us. At 2:30 or so I got up and turned the hot water on and took Gideon in the shower, hoping that the humidity would break up his congestion. It worked, but only for an hour or so. It was a restless night, and I find myself even more tired in the morning than I was last night when I fell asleep at 9:30.
All that to say, life seems so stagnated when I'm tired. And honestly, a bit overwhelming. Last night I sat on the couch watching the Indiana basketball game dreading that I had forgotten to do something. That I had done something wrong during the day yesterday. That I'm a bad parent, or bad teacher, or all sorts of other derogatory things pointed at myself. None of them true. All of them causing some anxiety. What was that Lord?
In any case, I feel better about that today, being back in school. I do think it's time for some type of break, but that doesn't come until the first of April. And unfortunately, this year it doesn't come with any type of vacation attached to it. So, Lord strengthen me where I am. Work in my heart through the Scripture reading, be with my friends and family, somehow, even without the silence, renew me in this time.
How often do I praise You out of this tired condition? Not often, I'm usually grasping at You for energy when I'm so down and tired. Why not take this time however to recognize: "The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it!" That's Psalm 24. Or how about: " Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." You are good Lord, You instruct us, and You love us. Let that be enough for me today.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Psalms 3-5
I feel like sleeping for an extended period of time Lord. I don't know how long I can keep up this early morning ritual of getting to the gym for an hour, having tennis practice, and all the other things that I'm responsible for. Right now I'm so tired I can hardly even bring myself to type. Any time I stop to think I find myself staring off into the blank walls of the office.
But these are the sacrifices I make for You. I hope my dreariness on many days reminds You and communicates clearly how much I love You and how much I believe that our relationship and Your Word is what makes me truly healthy. I can stare blankly around the room, have difficulty concentrating, write a blog entry that seems to be a waste of time, and yet, it is all for You. So somehow that makes this time a little bit easier to bear but still...
The psalms I read today were all psalms of the "cry." David asking God to deliver him from his enemies or thanking God for deliverance from his enemies. I find it very comforting how many of these psalms are disgruntled yet hopeful cries for You to act in Your power within the realm of life. Then it seems like most of the rest of these ancient prayers are thanks for the times that you did act and praise for the love that saves us.
So this entry is my cry, save me from my tiredness and lack of sleep. Give me a quiet evening or a two-hour delay of school. This is my true prayer this morning. At least for me. Lord, in my tiredness don't let me forget my responsibilities to be an agent of Your love.
I feel like sleeping for an extended period of time Lord. I don't know how long I can keep up this early morning ritual of getting to the gym for an hour, having tennis practice, and all the other things that I'm responsible for. Right now I'm so tired I can hardly even bring myself to type. Any time I stop to think I find myself staring off into the blank walls of the office.
But these are the sacrifices I make for You. I hope my dreariness on many days reminds You and communicates clearly how much I love You and how much I believe that our relationship and Your Word is what makes me truly healthy. I can stare blankly around the room, have difficulty concentrating, write a blog entry that seems to be a waste of time, and yet, it is all for You. So somehow that makes this time a little bit easier to bear but still...
The psalms I read today were all psalms of the "cry." David asking God to deliver him from his enemies or thanking God for deliverance from his enemies. I find it very comforting how many of these psalms are disgruntled yet hopeful cries for You to act in Your power within the realm of life. Then it seems like most of the rest of these ancient prayers are thanks for the times that you did act and praise for the love that saves us.
So this entry is my cry, save me from my tiredness and lack of sleep. Give me a quiet evening or a two-hour delay of school. This is my true prayer this morning. At least for me. Lord, in my tiredness don't let me forget my responsibilities to be an agent of Your love.
Monday, December 15, 2008
New Week, Still Waiting
Dear Lord,
Thank You for my family. Yesterday was Gideon's first birthday. It's amazing to watch children grow in their first year, and really it seems for the rest of life after that, even though we've only experienced the first year. At Gideon's party, it hit me that I'm actually a parent. Sometimes, loving and teaching and being with Gideon seems so natural that I don't think about the responsibility and privilege that it is. But when we were taking time to celebrate that yesterday, I did. I'm very grateful for the wonderful son You've given me.
And for my wife. She did a great job planning the details of the party. She is a wonderful woman, and I have a lot of love for her. This season of Christmas and Gideon's party seemed to be stressful on our relationship, and I don't like that. The tiredness and responsibilities of the time wear on us both. I guess my prayer is that You would help me be aware of what needs to be done, and then let me remember that I need to do it. When I have just a little energy, help me spend it on her.
I continue to pray for the church community as well. We certainly have some big changes coming up, and we're doing it because we think that is what You would have us do. They are going to be very difficult for me to keep up with, because they involve a lot of logistics, planning, and coordinating of details that I don't like or do well at. Many people have offered to help, and I pray that they can because otherwise this is not going to work. Beyond the schedule and responsibilites, I pray for the people of Exodus. We are still hurting, captives to ways of thinking about ourselves, about faith, about our own abilities to be wrong, about many things. We deal constantly with shifting circumstances, heavy loads of school work, lack of job security, or lack of certainty in general. We know and expect that You will provide. Work among us to provide.
My final prayer is that somehow You will begin to let Gideon sleep through the nights. I know it sounds like a crazy prayer request, but it affects so many things in Courtney and I's life. As we are up with him, we get so tired. When we are tired, we have trouble serving one another, we start to get snarky with one another, our relationship suffers. When I am tired, I have less patience and desire for community, relationship, and other responsibilities. My teaching suffers, and I end up with a pile of papers and projects to grade. We end up living life in frustration. I understand that sometimes we have to battle through things, and that the struggle makes us stronger, and I've tried to keep a good understanding of that as I trudge towards a crying baby at 2:15 AM. But I'm just worn out from that now. Please begin to move and work in this situation. Help us know what we could do differently. Or just help him sleep.
I pray and wait in expectation, in the name of Jesus Christ, and through the Holy Spirit, amen.
Thank You for my family. Yesterday was Gideon's first birthday. It's amazing to watch children grow in their first year, and really it seems for the rest of life after that, even though we've only experienced the first year. At Gideon's party, it hit me that I'm actually a parent. Sometimes, loving and teaching and being with Gideon seems so natural that I don't think about the responsibility and privilege that it is. But when we were taking time to celebrate that yesterday, I did. I'm very grateful for the wonderful son You've given me.
And for my wife. She did a great job planning the details of the party. She is a wonderful woman, and I have a lot of love for her. This season of Christmas and Gideon's party seemed to be stressful on our relationship, and I don't like that. The tiredness and responsibilities of the time wear on us both. I guess my prayer is that You would help me be aware of what needs to be done, and then let me remember that I need to do it. When I have just a little energy, help me spend it on her.
I continue to pray for the church community as well. We certainly have some big changes coming up, and we're doing it because we think that is what You would have us do. They are going to be very difficult for me to keep up with, because they involve a lot of logistics, planning, and coordinating of details that I don't like or do well at. Many people have offered to help, and I pray that they can because otherwise this is not going to work. Beyond the schedule and responsibilites, I pray for the people of Exodus. We are still hurting, captives to ways of thinking about ourselves, about faith, about our own abilities to be wrong, about many things. We deal constantly with shifting circumstances, heavy loads of school work, lack of job security, or lack of certainty in general. We know and expect that You will provide. Work among us to provide.
My final prayer is that somehow You will begin to let Gideon sleep through the nights. I know it sounds like a crazy prayer request, but it affects so many things in Courtney and I's life. As we are up with him, we get so tired. When we are tired, we have trouble serving one another, we start to get snarky with one another, our relationship suffers. When I am tired, I have less patience and desire for community, relationship, and other responsibilities. My teaching suffers, and I end up with a pile of papers and projects to grade. We end up living life in frustration. I understand that sometimes we have to battle through things, and that the struggle makes us stronger, and I've tried to keep a good understanding of that as I trudge towards a crying baby at 2:15 AM. But I'm just worn out from that now. Please begin to move and work in this situation. Help us know what we could do differently. Or just help him sleep.
I pray and wait in expectation, in the name of Jesus Christ, and through the Holy Spirit, amen.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
My Prayer for Today
Dear Lord,
Today, I have committed myself to some true time in prayer with You. So I am going to offer up my thoughts and concerns and then wait silently for You to answer me in some way. Though I am frustrated at the fact that our relationship doesn't seem to be on the same plane as it has been, I am not going to be the one to abandon what is right. And in that I know that You will be the one to come back and embrace me, because I am convinced that it is Your will to be known and loved. And I still love You, so much that I want to hear from You.
My prayer is simple. I want to be fully connected with You and aware of opportunities to live in "The Way of the Lord" everyday. I want the courage to see the uncomfortable places that I might need to help bring Your love to and the strength, belief, and courage again to do it.
And Lord, I pray the same for my community. Starting with my wife, extending through Exodus Community, even to the students that I teach each day. What would a community with courage look like? What could they do? How do I lead without fear myself? I need to speak the truth. It's time for us to do something uncomfortable. Help us to not let fear hold us back.
These are my big concerns. Of course, I could go through situations that I want You to be working in specifically, whether it be sickness within our community, Gideon growing healthily, Courtney finding a part-time job she enjoys, our community honestly facing its problems, our community honestly embracing the potential we have, my basketball team, my students, the tragedies that often surround any group of people. But I have faith that You are working in these specifics.
So let's attack some big things in prayer today Lord. Some big things that I'm going to constantly bring before You for this week (and probably on). Please work on removing the fear from our community. It's insidious, and it has crept in all over the place. Let people see it for what it is, give it up to You, and move on.
Secondly Lord, go after distractions. We are being pulled away from You in so many circumstances. Stop them. Allow us at least some consistent time to be focused. For me it is too much time spent at basketball, thinking about school, and just plain being tired. Give me the energy and the time.
I feel like this is a blabbering prayer God. I'm not sure how focused it was in and of itself. I know You hear it though. Accept it. Be pleased at my efforts to connect and show Yourself to me. Because I love You, I don't want to just leave You here for the day. Go with me. Lead me. Speak to me that You may speak through me.
For I always pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
Today, I have committed myself to some true time in prayer with You. So I am going to offer up my thoughts and concerns and then wait silently for You to answer me in some way. Though I am frustrated at the fact that our relationship doesn't seem to be on the same plane as it has been, I am not going to be the one to abandon what is right. And in that I know that You will be the one to come back and embrace me, because I am convinced that it is Your will to be known and loved. And I still love You, so much that I want to hear from You.
My prayer is simple. I want to be fully connected with You and aware of opportunities to live in "The Way of the Lord" everyday. I want the courage to see the uncomfortable places that I might need to help bring Your love to and the strength, belief, and courage again to do it.
And Lord, I pray the same for my community. Starting with my wife, extending through Exodus Community, even to the students that I teach each day. What would a community with courage look like? What could they do? How do I lead without fear myself? I need to speak the truth. It's time for us to do something uncomfortable. Help us to not let fear hold us back.
These are my big concerns. Of course, I could go through situations that I want You to be working in specifically, whether it be sickness within our community, Gideon growing healthily, Courtney finding a part-time job she enjoys, our community honestly facing its problems, our community honestly embracing the potential we have, my basketball team, my students, the tragedies that often surround any group of people. But I have faith that You are working in these specifics.
So let's attack some big things in prayer today Lord. Some big things that I'm going to constantly bring before You for this week (and probably on). Please work on removing the fear from our community. It's insidious, and it has crept in all over the place. Let people see it for what it is, give it up to You, and move on.
Secondly Lord, go after distractions. We are being pulled away from You in so many circumstances. Stop them. Allow us at least some consistent time to be focused. For me it is too much time spent at basketball, thinking about school, and just plain being tired. Give me the energy and the time.
I feel like this is a blabbering prayer God. I'm not sure how focused it was in and of itself. I know You hear it though. Accept it. Be pleased at my efforts to connect and show Yourself to me. Because I love You, I don't want to just leave You here for the day. Go with me. Lead me. Speak to me that You may speak through me.
For I always pray through Christ's name,
Amen.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Self Focus Equals Unfocused
Texts:
- Psalms 9-12
- Matthew 5-6
- Ezekiel 44-45
Lord, I read today the Sermon on the Mount. I just, well, it's hard to put the same effort into engaging this enormous book every day. Today, tired as I am, my thoughts wander I can't bring myself to really focus in. It's amazing, Lord, how cyclical life is. Learning, reading, grasping, teaching and then tired, unfocused, worried, fearful. How do these ever get sorted out?
Oftentimes, I feel like it is when I become to self-focused that I lose interest in the Word. Well, and honestly, when I get too self-focused is when I often feel like everything is boring. The truth is that a life lived only for myself and my gain becomes pretty pointless pretty quickly. That's why I love to be in relationship, with others and with You.
So what's going on with us Lord? I guess I'll have to let this day play out a little bit before I come back and answer that. However, I do want to bow myself before You today. I do want to recognize that You are teh one who holds my head up. You are the one who has been so energizing for my life this week and You are the one who will fill me today. I praise you for it.
May I be able to be filled with Your spirit today. May I dwell on the words of Your mouth, and silently seek the throne of God. May I walk away with sound and song of praise for my Savior, my Redeemer. Blessed are You, Lord God of all energy, who fills us with life, breathes into us purpose, and moves our spirit with joy. Amen.
- Psalms 9-12
- Matthew 5-6
- Ezekiel 44-45
Lord, I read today the Sermon on the Mount. I just, well, it's hard to put the same effort into engaging this enormous book every day. Today, tired as I am, my thoughts wander I can't bring myself to really focus in. It's amazing, Lord, how cyclical life is. Learning, reading, grasping, teaching and then tired, unfocused, worried, fearful. How do these ever get sorted out?
Oftentimes, I feel like it is when I become to self-focused that I lose interest in the Word. Well, and honestly, when I get too self-focused is when I often feel like everything is boring. The truth is that a life lived only for myself and my gain becomes pretty pointless pretty quickly. That's why I love to be in relationship, with others and with You.
So what's going on with us Lord? I guess I'll have to let this day play out a little bit before I come back and answer that. However, I do want to bow myself before You today. I do want to recognize that You are teh one who holds my head up. You are the one who has been so energizing for my life this week and You are the one who will fill me today. I praise you for it.
May I be able to be filled with Your spirit today. May I dwell on the words of Your mouth, and silently seek the throne of God. May I walk away with sound and song of praise for my Savior, my Redeemer. Blessed are You, Lord God of all energy, who fills us with life, breathes into us purpose, and moves our spirit with joy. Amen.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Escape
Wow, I'm headed into the last week of this fast now. And I must admit, these last several days have been the most difficult. I'm sure it's only going to get worse. Lord, with March Madness coming up (started) I'm afraid of how much time I'm going to be able to spend with You. I know that I could force myself to take a break from the games and pray and read and be with You. The problem is, my thoughts won't really be with You. Help me to find some time to be with You.
And the tiredness, that's something I never really considered when I entered into this fast. If I don't get the sleep I need it's really hard to have any type of energy. I'm like a walking zombie. And right now I am lacking the sleep that I need. It's making it hard to concentrate on anything for an extended period of time. Whether it be school, or my wife talking about her day, my friends talking about their concerns; my mind is just tired. I feel like I need an escape from all of this.
Here's the deal: You've already shown me what that escape can be, the love and silence and time spent in Your presence. That's been what so much of this fast has been about. How do I gain self-control? By spending more of my time under Your control. How do I escape life's trials? By retreating to the warmth of Your presence.
But when I'm in Your presence, I always feel like I need to come away with some new truth. When I am refreshed and well-rested, that is invigorating and life-giving. But when I am physically tired and drained, it's like writing an essay for your required college English class at 3:00 in the morning. But in relationships, do you always have to "get" something from each and every conversation? Don't I have wonderful nights of rest with Courtney where I simply lay in bed with her, arm around her waist, and sleep? If I take our relationship seriously as a relationship, can I call Your presence to simply be with me as I refresh my body?
I hope so... I believe so. I need rest now and I need to be with You. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do them both apart, so come down and be with me as I put them both together.
And the tiredness, that's something I never really considered when I entered into this fast. If I don't get the sleep I need it's really hard to have any type of energy. I'm like a walking zombie. And right now I am lacking the sleep that I need. It's making it hard to concentrate on anything for an extended period of time. Whether it be school, or my wife talking about her day, my friends talking about their concerns; my mind is just tired. I feel like I need an escape from all of this.
Here's the deal: You've already shown me what that escape can be, the love and silence and time spent in Your presence. That's been what so much of this fast has been about. How do I gain self-control? By spending more of my time under Your control. How do I escape life's trials? By retreating to the warmth of Your presence.
But when I'm in Your presence, I always feel like I need to come away with some new truth. When I am refreshed and well-rested, that is invigorating and life-giving. But when I am physically tired and drained, it's like writing an essay for your required college English class at 3:00 in the morning. But in relationships, do you always have to "get" something from each and every conversation? Don't I have wonderful nights of rest with Courtney where I simply lay in bed with her, arm around her waist, and sleep? If I take our relationship seriously as a relationship, can I call Your presence to simply be with me as I refresh my body?
I hope so... I believe so. I need rest now and I need to be with You. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to do them both apart, so come down and be with me as I put them both together.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Give Me My Breath Back
I kind of feel like a zombie for the past two days. My loss of motivation is gone, but in its place is really nothing. I constantly feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and not very much is helping get my breath back.
Lord, these are the down times when I cry out to You. Remember our relationship, remember how You've called me, and lead me back there. Give me a bit of my normal excitement for life, a bit of the optimism that has been what normal attitude, my love for those around me, my humor, my creativity, give them all back to me. I feel like I've been drained of many of Your good gifts with one punch.
Although, maybe there's reason for it too. Maybe I'm to suffer like Job...the hard thing is that I don't even know what's going on and why. I just want to breathe again with ease and peace. It's not that much different than what I said yesterday Lord. My body feels like it is trying to close up shop and just take a nap for a day or so, but my spirit wants to be alive and get even less sleep because of the exciting things that I have the opportunity to be involved with. Bless my spirit, energize my flesh.
My hope is in You.
Lord, these are the down times when I cry out to You. Remember our relationship, remember how You've called me, and lead me back there. Give me a bit of my normal excitement for life, a bit of the optimism that has been what normal attitude, my love for those around me, my humor, my creativity, give them all back to me. I feel like I've been drained of many of Your good gifts with one punch.
Although, maybe there's reason for it too. Maybe I'm to suffer like Job...the hard thing is that I don't even know what's going on and why. I just want to breathe again with ease and peace. It's not that much different than what I said yesterday Lord. My body feels like it is trying to close up shop and just take a nap for a day or so, but my spirit wants to be alive and get even less sleep because of the exciting things that I have the opportunity to be involved with. Bless my spirit, energize my flesh.
My hope is in You.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Drawn Thin, Drawn to You
If there's one thing I've learned over the course of the past twenty-five days, it is the importance of slowing down to find some time with You. I haven't always found that time, but when I have Lord, well, You've made it well worth my while. I'm still waiting for You to speak like You have in the past to me...but as I type that it seems that those times You've spoken to me in the past become grander and clearer as we walk them out in life. They weren't that clear when delivered were they?
I don't know why I'm so reflective this evening. Maybe because I'm so beat. But there is this glorious resignation in my soul. I am resigned to You. I am resigned to Your care. The heaviness of my eyes, the burning in my back, my slight headache from lack of sleep, my grumbling stomach from lack of food...much of this is because of You. And that's not an indictment, it's a praise. I feel very sleepily peaceful, despite the physical thinness of my being. I am finding joy in resting in You.
So as I fill with thankfulness, I just look back and remember the things You've done for me.
- working with me on fear-of-the-Lord, and that one awful, dreadful moment when I saw Your power
- helping me realize that each step of my life must be thankfulness embodied, for without You I don't step
- intriguing me with continual questions from Your Scriptures, working them around in my brain more non-stop than ever
- introducing me to the beauty of paradox, maybe one of my favorite faith lessons ever
My prayer for the rest of these forty days is that You hear our cry and act. You are the One who hears our crys. We move forward with Your church on our hearts, and our cry is to be in the center of Your will, as Bryan put it. Lord, hear that cry and act.
Secondly, allow us to do the same. You've taught me the beauty of reclining and relaxing close to You, in reverent fear and in love. Now, use these times of closeness to instruct me. Instruct me on the ways of the kingdom. Instruct me on Your will and how we can bring it here. Lord, allow us to hear and act as well. Replace our fear of the unknown with a simple fear of You, then move through that to our ears. Then let us move, for You.
Circular, You hear us and move toward us, we hear You and move toward You. Lord keep drawing the circle tighter, until we are One with You.
I don't know why I'm so reflective this evening. Maybe because I'm so beat. But there is this glorious resignation in my soul. I am resigned to You. I am resigned to Your care. The heaviness of my eyes, the burning in my back, my slight headache from lack of sleep, my grumbling stomach from lack of food...much of this is because of You. And that's not an indictment, it's a praise. I feel very sleepily peaceful, despite the physical thinness of my being. I am finding joy in resting in You.
So as I fill with thankfulness, I just look back and remember the things You've done for me.
- working with me on fear-of-the-Lord, and that one awful, dreadful moment when I saw Your power
- helping me realize that each step of my life must be thankfulness embodied, for without You I don't step
- intriguing me with continual questions from Your Scriptures, working them around in my brain more non-stop than ever
- introducing me to the beauty of paradox, maybe one of my favorite faith lessons ever
My prayer for the rest of these forty days is that You hear our cry and act. You are the One who hears our crys. We move forward with Your church on our hearts, and our cry is to be in the center of Your will, as Bryan put it. Lord, hear that cry and act.
Secondly, allow us to do the same. You've taught me the beauty of reclining and relaxing close to You, in reverent fear and in love. Now, use these times of closeness to instruct me. Instruct me on the ways of the kingdom. Instruct me on Your will and how we can bring it here. Lord, allow us to hear and act as well. Replace our fear of the unknown with a simple fear of You, then move through that to our ears. Then let us move, for You.
Circular, You hear us and move toward us, we hear You and move toward You. Lord keep drawing the circle tighter, until we are One with You.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I'm Tired of This
Lord, today punched me in the throat. It's one of those days that was not bad. But not bad is obviously not good, or inspiring, or a God moment, or worth fasting for. I know, believe, in my heart of hearts I know that this is not at all about what I'm going to get out of it...but it is. Here I am, day after day sitting at my keyboard waiting to hear what You have to say to me! And what are You saying! Nothing...or worse...be more silent.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
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