Last night I posted about fear-of-the-Lord, and I was really pushing You Lord. Pushing You to make me feel that reverence and respect and boy did You. As I was writing my challenge to You, as I was laying my whole self and life and everything and everybody in it on the table I became very afraid.
My thoughts were, "What if God follows through and does make me revere Him?" All the awesome and mighty and terrible things You could do. I thought about how You could make me suddenly lose my job and have to lean on You for all support. I thought about how You could take away my life or worse, one of my loved ones. I feared, truly feared, that You could completely walk out of my life I the disaster that that would become would make me fear You. I suddenly and in one small moment saw all the power and glory that You hold, and the terrible damage that it could do to my life to let it be unleashed.
So I stopped. I want that glory and that power to be used in and through my life as a source of good. I want to be in awe and reverence of the powerful works of good that You do. You took me outside last night and reminded of the goodness and grandness and intricacy of Your creation (then looking at Bryan's blog did that too). You took me back to the time when You heard my deepest, most strained, most tear-filled cry when I thought I was losing my beloved. You took me to all the great works that You are doing right now in my life that I pass over daily.
Continue to take me to these places of wonder...
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Fear-of-the-Lord
So Lord, I'm down to this very simple fact today. There is a lot inside of me that needs to be fixed, and it will only be fixed by laying it down at Your feet. I know that, but I have yet to feel that.
I continue reading the next passage in Luke after the one that I wrote about yesterday and it is very clear that Jesus is pointing out that the experts in the law lack fear-of-the-Lord. Jesus instructs his disciples to look out for the yeast of the Pharisees, that they should be sure to fear the One who controls both death and life. This is fear-of-the-Lord fear, a reverence, a respect, an awe.
Right now, for whatever reason, that is what I am lacking. An awe of the Lord, a reverence. For some reason, I am bringing You down to my level. Maybe it's all this trying to understand You, maybe its in my trying to draw close to You, maybe I need to step away for a second and let You come and get me. And obviously, cognitively You can see that I understand my need for fear. But for whatever reason I am hard-hearted and cold. Here I am admitting it but yet feeling in my gut that it won't change.
Change it. Bring me into awesome fear and reverence for You. Lord, hear me and act.
Wait no... I'm really scared as I write this. The One who controls both life and death. I do not deserve to challenge You. Standing up against You, I suddenly realize the awesome power that You have. Act favorably one my behalf Lord. Oh do not crush me! The power that is in that act. The weight. The glory.
I take it back. Change me, give me the reverence, but hide me in the cleft of the rock with Your hand. Your glory will crush me if You act. Please, act as You will and give me the reverence to know that is the only way it can be if I want to live.
I continue reading the next passage in Luke after the one that I wrote about yesterday and it is very clear that Jesus is pointing out that the experts in the law lack fear-of-the-Lord. Jesus instructs his disciples to look out for the yeast of the Pharisees, that they should be sure to fear the One who controls both death and life. This is fear-of-the-Lord fear, a reverence, a respect, an awe.
Right now, for whatever reason, that is what I am lacking. An awe of the Lord, a reverence. For some reason, I am bringing You down to my level. Maybe it's all this trying to understand You, maybe its in my trying to draw close to You, maybe I need to step away for a second and let You come and get me. And obviously, cognitively You can see that I understand my need for fear. But for whatever reason I am hard-hearted and cold. Here I am admitting it but yet feeling in my gut that it won't change.
Change it. Bring me into awesome fear and reverence for You. Lord, hear me and act.
Wait no... I'm really scared as I write this. The One who controls both life and death. I do not deserve to challenge You. Standing up against You, I suddenly realize the awesome power that You have. Act favorably one my behalf Lord. Oh do not crush me! The power that is in that act. The weight. The glory.
I take it back. Change me, give me the reverence, but hide me in the cleft of the rock with Your hand. Your glory will crush me if You act. Please, act as You will and give me the reverence to know that is the only way it can be if I want to live.
Monday, February 26, 2007
I Don't Like Jesus
Lord, last week You moved me to read through the book of Luke in order to have a view of Jesus' life. Since my high school days I've had this really weird problem. I love You, Heavenly Father, God of the Old Testament, in all Your passion, love, emotion, disappointment, longing, etc. But I don't like Jesus.
Sometimes Jesus comes off as smug, sometimes unloving, sometimes unfeeling, sometimes creating conflict (which I am petrified of). So as I read through Luke, the same feeling came flooding back over me. What is this all about?
Their was one passage in particular giving me problems. Jesus is reeming out the Pharisees, and one of the scribes say, "Jesus, man, it hurts us to when you say these things." And Jesus turns to him, and then proceeds to rip into them. Ouch. Here's the abbreviated text.
Luke 11:46, 52
--------------
Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering."
--------------
So, my question is why don't I like Jesus. It's become really simple, the reason why: I am an expert in the law.
That's right. In every situation I am looking for what God wants me to do. Every situation. Every revelation of God I look to immediately apply to my life. Now granted the modern church has taught me to do this with all Scripture, apply it directly to what I can do, where it fits in my life. The problem has been Lord, that that exact action separates me from You for most of my life. I come into contact with You and Your unique presence then I run away and try to do what You told me on my own.
What are the scribes, the experts in the law, lacking? Because that is me Lord. Reading this verse its obvious. They have taken away the key to knowledge. What is that key? Proverbs 1:7 - "The beginning of knowledge is fear-of-the-Lord." When I try to put my code of conduct into play, even if its a code of conduct derived from You, I am lacking fear-of-the-Lord. I am separated myself from You.
That's the least of what you wanted. You sent Jesus so that You didn't have to be separated from me anymore. You sent Jesus to teach us how to live in fear-of-the-Lord. That makes life about You. Which it is.
Over and over again I need to learn that I am a small part of what's going on here, a very priveleged but tiny part. Over and over I need to orient my life by You, by reverence, silence, prayer, worship, eucharist...all of which make up this fear-of-the-Lord.
Sometimes Jesus comes off as smug, sometimes unloving, sometimes unfeeling, sometimes creating conflict (which I am petrified of). So as I read through Luke, the same feeling came flooding back over me. What is this all about?
Their was one passage in particular giving me problems. Jesus is reeming out the Pharisees, and one of the scribes say, "Jesus, man, it hurts us to when you say these things." And Jesus turns to him, and then proceeds to rip into them. Ouch. Here's the abbreviated text.
Luke 11:46, 52
--------------
Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering."
--------------
So, my question is why don't I like Jesus. It's become really simple, the reason why: I am an expert in the law.
That's right. In every situation I am looking for what God wants me to do. Every situation. Every revelation of God I look to immediately apply to my life. Now granted the modern church has taught me to do this with all Scripture, apply it directly to what I can do, where it fits in my life. The problem has been Lord, that that exact action separates me from You for most of my life. I come into contact with You and Your unique presence then I run away and try to do what You told me on my own.
What are the scribes, the experts in the law, lacking? Because that is me Lord. Reading this verse its obvious. They have taken away the key to knowledge. What is that key? Proverbs 1:7 - "The beginning of knowledge is fear-of-the-Lord." When I try to put my code of conduct into play, even if its a code of conduct derived from You, I am lacking fear-of-the-Lord. I am separated myself from You.
That's the least of what you wanted. You sent Jesus so that You didn't have to be separated from me anymore. You sent Jesus to teach us how to live in fear-of-the-Lord. That makes life about You. Which it is.
Over and over again I need to learn that I am a small part of what's going on here, a very priveleged but tiny part. Over and over I need to orient my life by You, by reverence, silence, prayer, worship, eucharist...all of which make up this fear-of-the-Lord.
Friday, February 23, 2007
God in Skis
Lord, I leave today for a weekend ski trip with my parents-in-law and wife. I'm excited about skiing and spending time in nature with You. Don't let this be a distraction from You, let me see You and chances to talk about You everywhere. Shine like the sun to my eyes this weekend, Lord Jesus.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Honesty
Hello, everybody! Super-Christian here. Just wanted to update my blog and tell you all the great spiritual insights that I've --- ugh...
Please allow to stop for a second and kill Super-Christian. Lord, I've been so dishonest with You over the past several weeks. Ash Wednesday was about confessing and You know what problem I had, I literally was having a difficult time finding anything. Any little thing I did find came with an excuse.
So no more of that, time to lay my sin on the line before You. Time to start dealing with it for real. So today, I made a list. Here it is, uncovered, shouted from the rooftops so that You can begin to deal with me.
- I straight lied to one of my students today. He wanted a tennis racquet restrung, I forgot to do it. So I told him that I had talked to the restringing guy and he said it would be a little while before he could do it. Straight lie.
- My lessons for my class today? One word. Lazy. Why? Because soccer scores are more important, because I use my prep to rest, because I had to grade tests. I'm good at improvisational teaching, that excuse allows for a lot of laziness.
- Speaking of laziness, spent my last prep hour today watching high school gym class. Not that I had lessons to plan for tomorrow, oh wait...
- Oh, and while I was improvisationally working through a lesson, the students were getting frustrated at their lack of understanding. So compassionate as I am, I launched into a lecture on how they ought to pay better attention if they want to learn. True, but maybe if the teacher had an organized plan,,,
Sin is always an issue. It seeps into places it shouldn't be, finds excuses I shouldn't have, keeps me from dealing with my Lord in the way I should. I admit it. I've got even more failures on the list.
Ask Your questions of me Lord. I see now, in the light of blatant sinfulness that I have fallen short of Your glory. Break me, but forgive. I honestly want to seek You. Help my fallenness.
Please allow to stop for a second and kill Super-Christian. Lord, I've been so dishonest with You over the past several weeks. Ash Wednesday was about confessing and You know what problem I had, I literally was having a difficult time finding anything. Any little thing I did find came with an excuse.
So no more of that, time to lay my sin on the line before You. Time to start dealing with it for real. So today, I made a list. Here it is, uncovered, shouted from the rooftops so that You can begin to deal with me.
- I straight lied to one of my students today. He wanted a tennis racquet restrung, I forgot to do it. So I told him that I had talked to the restringing guy and he said it would be a little while before he could do it. Straight lie.
- My lessons for my class today? One word. Lazy. Why? Because soccer scores are more important, because I use my prep to rest, because I had to grade tests. I'm good at improvisational teaching, that excuse allows for a lot of laziness.
- Speaking of laziness, spent my last prep hour today watching high school gym class. Not that I had lessons to plan for tomorrow, oh wait...
- Oh, and while I was improvisationally working through a lesson, the students were getting frustrated at their lack of understanding. So compassionate as I am, I launched into a lecture on how they ought to pay better attention if they want to learn. True, but maybe if the teacher had an organized plan,,,
Sin is always an issue. It seeps into places it shouldn't be, finds excuses I shouldn't have, keeps me from dealing with my Lord in the way I should. I admit it. I've got even more failures on the list.
Ask Your questions of me Lord. I see now, in the light of blatant sinfulness that I have fallen short of Your glory. Break me, but forgive. I honestly want to seek You. Help my fallenness.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ash Wednesday
"Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt'?
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.
"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?
"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
"Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
I am unworthy—how can I reply to You? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer— twice, but I will say no more.
Lord God Almighty, I bow to You this morning in reverence. I have come to face the fact that I struggle with worthiness... I often believe I am worthy. Pride, pride, pride. It's a selfish monster that gets down inside the roots of me and only You can dig it out. The truth is that only You are worthy.
Look at the works of Your mighty hand... all things good, true and mighty are done by the strength of Your arm. On this Ash Wednesday, I am brought to the point of repentance and thankfulness that to You I cannot reply. I am come to the realization that I am ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You, Lord of all, Lord of life, Lord of creation, You have the power and awestriking will to make ashes and dust come alive.
Parched and dry as I am, open the storehouses of rain, Spirit upon me. Only as You move shall I. Only as You move shall I.
For You are the only one that is worthy.
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?
"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no further; here is where your proud waves halt'?
"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.
"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.
"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!
"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?
"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?
"Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind? Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together?
I am unworthy—how can I reply to You? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer— twice, but I will say no more.
Lord God Almighty, I bow to You this morning in reverence. I have come to face the fact that I struggle with worthiness... I often believe I am worthy. Pride, pride, pride. It's a selfish monster that gets down inside the roots of me and only You can dig it out. The truth is that only You are worthy.
Look at the works of Your mighty hand... all things good, true and mighty are done by the strength of Your arm. On this Ash Wednesday, I am brought to the point of repentance and thankfulness that to You I cannot reply. I am come to the realization that I am ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You, Lord of all, Lord of life, Lord of creation, You have the power and awestriking will to make ashes and dust come alive.
Parched and dry as I am, open the storehouses of rain, Spirit upon me. Only as You move shall I. Only as You move shall I.
For You are the only one that is worthy.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I'm Tired of This
Lord, today punched me in the throat. It's one of those days that was not bad. But not bad is obviously not good, or inspiring, or a God moment, or worth fasting for. I know, believe, in my heart of hearts I know that this is not at all about what I'm going to get out of it...but it is. Here I am, day after day sitting at my keyboard waiting to hear what You have to say to me! And what are You saying! Nothing...or worse...be more silent.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Rolling My Tongue Around the Edges
I love hard candy, well, hard candy that tastes good anyways. I really like mints, Worthers, those candies that are strawberry flavored and are wrapped up in strawberry-looking paper. My favorite thing about hard candy is the texture. I love rolling my tongue around the edges of the first smooth, circular candy. Then I like to crack the candy and feel the jagged, cutting pieces. I push the candy from one side of my mouth to the other. The flavor gets everywhere.
It doesn't make the candy any more nutritious. It doesn't make the candy's flavor change (except in really special candies!) It's just fun to get the texture of it.
Sometimes I think Your word is like candy, Lord. Today, I come home to read Jeremiah, and every night I kind of expect some big new piece of meat for me to digest and dig into. Something totally life changing. But often, I think You're even more interesting in GIVING OUR MINDS something to roll around.
Today, I just thought of something that You've got rolling around in my head. Right now, I'm just tasting and touching the edges of it and I don't know that it gives it significant meaning in any way. In the Old Testament, Your people really struggle with serving You only. They are falling away from You to prostitute themselves before other gods, as You metaphorically put it. But really, after they return from exile in Babylon and rebuild the temple, it seems that they kind of get this. I mean, four hundred years later when Jesus shows up the scene is one of everybody trying to figure out the best ways to follow the laws of the one Father. They get it, they aren't serving other gods. You helped them learn from history.
And yet, You still took the kingdom from them. Because they weren't loving others at all. "Even the demons believe in one God, and shudder," James says. The two greatest commandments tell the story of the whole Bible. Love You and love others. It's amazing how right You are when You said all the law and the prophets hinge on those two commandments. Sometimes we don't give You credit for how right You are.
So the balance must be held. If I don't love God and pursue other worldly "gods," I am headed for an exile punishment. Yet, if I don't love others, the kingdom will be taken from me. Lord, help this balance to be ever before me. Help me to continue to see that hanging there in the middle, doing both, is the way of the kingdom. And Lord, let that kingdom come here in my life and thoughts.
And as it provokes my thoughts, allow me to continue to feel the fascinating textures of rolling my tongue around the edges.
It doesn't make the candy any more nutritious. It doesn't make the candy's flavor change (except in really special candies!) It's just fun to get the texture of it.
Sometimes I think Your word is like candy, Lord. Today, I come home to read Jeremiah, and every night I kind of expect some big new piece of meat for me to digest and dig into. Something totally life changing. But often, I think You're even more interesting in GIVING OUR MINDS something to roll around.
Today, I just thought of something that You've got rolling around in my head. Right now, I'm just tasting and touching the edges of it and I don't know that it gives it significant meaning in any way. In the Old Testament, Your people really struggle with serving You only. They are falling away from You to prostitute themselves before other gods, as You metaphorically put it. But really, after they return from exile in Babylon and rebuild the temple, it seems that they kind of get this. I mean, four hundred years later when Jesus shows up the scene is one of everybody trying to figure out the best ways to follow the laws of the one Father. They get it, they aren't serving other gods. You helped them learn from history.
And yet, You still took the kingdom from them. Because they weren't loving others at all. "Even the demons believe in one God, and shudder," James says. The two greatest commandments tell the story of the whole Bible. Love You and love others. It's amazing how right You are when You said all the law and the prophets hinge on those two commandments. Sometimes we don't give You credit for how right You are.
So the balance must be held. If I don't love God and pursue other worldly "gods," I am headed for an exile punishment. Yet, if I don't love others, the kingdom will be taken from me. Lord, help this balance to be ever before me. Help me to continue to see that hanging there in the middle, doing both, is the way of the kingdom. And Lord, let that kingdom come here in my life and thoughts.
And as it provokes my thoughts, allow me to continue to feel the fascinating textures of rolling my tongue around the edges.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Doing and Being
One of my biggest fears is not knowing what to do. I dread that feeling. And I am not talking spiritually here. It really scares me when I walk into new situations, when I talk to new people, when I reacquant with old people. That I won't know what to do or say.
And I get really angry when I'm forced into those situations where I don't know what to do. When Courtney asks me to call and find out why we were billed for more than the price of an appointment, or when I have to go file the home exemptions at the tax office, or talk to the insurance lady at work about adding some type of plan. All things I don't know much about and situations where I am not sure what to do. And am afraid that what I do will make me look stupid or uninformed.
Lord, I'm finding that You are not quite as concerned about what we do as to who we are. You are concerned about who we are being, not always what we are doing? This whole time I've been focusing on what it is that You want me to do, just look at my post on obedience, and not necessarily who You want me to be.
I have a sense now that what You really want from me now is just to BE with You. In that sense You will change who I am, and then my actions will flow out of that. The doing is not unimportant, it is simply an after-effect of the being. If I am the person seeking You I will find You. That I must trust.
So, time to shut up the blog for a while and just be with You. In rest, in relatioinship, in word, in intimacy. As a child as a bride. In obedience and in trust. Being with You will make me who You want me to be.
And I get really angry when I'm forced into those situations where I don't know what to do. When Courtney asks me to call and find out why we were billed for more than the price of an appointment, or when I have to go file the home exemptions at the tax office, or talk to the insurance lady at work about adding some type of plan. All things I don't know much about and situations where I am not sure what to do. And am afraid that what I do will make me look stupid or uninformed.
Lord, I'm finding that You are not quite as concerned about what we do as to who we are. You are concerned about who we are being, not always what we are doing? This whole time I've been focusing on what it is that You want me to do, just look at my post on obedience, and not necessarily who You want me to be.
I have a sense now that what You really want from me now is just to BE with You. In that sense You will change who I am, and then my actions will flow out of that. The doing is not unimportant, it is simply an after-effect of the being. If I am the person seeking You I will find You. That I must trust.
So, time to shut up the blog for a while and just be with You. In rest, in relatioinship, in word, in intimacy. As a child as a bride. In obedience and in trust. Being with You will make me who You want me to be.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Ah, Faithless Israel!
Several weeks ago I was driving home from church, trying intently to listen to what the LORD had to say to me. In my observation, God tends to tell me things that I don't really expect. He tends to teach me with things that are around me rather than just speak straight out of the sky. Maybe that is so I can have remembrances of Him all around me throughout my days. Anyways, I felt that I was to put my iPod on shuffle and just listen. So I reluctantly did (I am always hoping for the Lord to just speak clearly, not make me do some external act).
The first song was called "Jesus Shirt" by Mukala. I really didn't want to listen at all. Mukala is one of those bands that you thought one of their songs was catchy, bought the album, then were disappointed by everything else. Plus, I probably bought the album in 8th grade. Don't even know why it's on my iPod. That's not the point, I just wasn't excited. I almost pushed forward to the next song. But God just said, "Stop! Trust me. Listen."
The chorus rolled around and the first phrase is "I want to be Your child." I paused and pondered that for awhile. I don't often stop to think that I am the Lord's child. It's something I hear, but sometimes it hits you. It's simple, but deeply emotional. I went on to the next song.
It was the song that Courtney walked down the aisle to at our wedding. It made me think though, that not only am I the Lord's child, but I am the Lord's bride. Two very relational, very different things, but the Lord acts both ways for us. I am God's son and I am God's bride.
Interesting then today as I read through Jeremiah 1-3. The words child and bride both show up on these propehtic pages. Except, in a differnet context than I was thinking of them. A child is certainly loved and protected, but the other side of the equation is that a child is also usually full of fear. Especially of the unknown, because children don't have very much experience in explaining the unknown of life.
Then a bride, certainly loved and cherished, but also with the capability of being unfaithful. "Oh, faithless Israel!"
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Lord, I am Your child and I am Your bride. They are designations coated richly in love and relation, and the intimacy that I crave in seeking You. Help me to not become mired in my own fear, but to have a life drenched and dripping of fear-of-the-LORD. Help me to not forsake my first love, the God of my creation and the God of my heart. Let me not be the fearful child and the unfaithful wife, instead let me be the protected child and the wife of Your provision.
The first song was called "Jesus Shirt" by Mukala. I really didn't want to listen at all. Mukala is one of those bands that you thought one of their songs was catchy, bought the album, then were disappointed by everything else. Plus, I probably bought the album in 8th grade. Don't even know why it's on my iPod. That's not the point, I just wasn't excited. I almost pushed forward to the next song. But God just said, "Stop! Trust me. Listen."
The chorus rolled around and the first phrase is "I want to be Your child." I paused and pondered that for awhile. I don't often stop to think that I am the Lord's child. It's something I hear, but sometimes it hits you. It's simple, but deeply emotional. I went on to the next song.
It was the song that Courtney walked down the aisle to at our wedding. It made me think though, that not only am I the Lord's child, but I am the Lord's bride. Two very relational, very different things, but the Lord acts both ways for us. I am God's son and I am God's bride.
Interesting then today as I read through Jeremiah 1-3. The words child and bride both show up on these propehtic pages. Except, in a differnet context than I was thinking of them. A child is certainly loved and protected, but the other side of the equation is that a child is also usually full of fear. Especially of the unknown, because children don't have very much experience in explaining the unknown of life.
Then a bride, certainly loved and cherished, but also with the capability of being unfaithful. "Oh, faithless Israel!"
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water.
Lord, I am Your child and I am Your bride. They are designations coated richly in love and relation, and the intimacy that I crave in seeking You. Help me to not become mired in my own fear, but to have a life drenched and dripping of fear-of-the-LORD. Help me to not forsake my first love, the God of my creation and the God of my heart. Let me not be the fearful child and the unfaithful wife, instead let me be the protected child and the wife of Your provision.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Obedience and Correction
Zephaniah 3:1-2 - Woe to the city of oppressors, rebellious and defiled! She obeys no one, she accepts no correction. She does not trust in the LORD, she does not draw near to her God.
Oppression, a topic that is definitely rolling around in my head during these forty days. It's scary to look at where oppression really starts, and yet, it makes total sense. Here in a very unread and unknown book to me, Lord, You have begun to unfold the dimensions of oppression and unjustice.
What I think I see in this verse is a progression. A progression that ends with an oppressor. And where does it all start... WITH A LACK OF LISTENING AND OBEYING. The one who opposes the reign of God begins with obeying no one, listening to no one's correction.
This really becomes significant when it is applied to my relationship with You. What reveals my trust in You? My obedience. If I believe that You are truly good, then I will do what You have asked of me, because I know that it is only for the benefit of Your plan. And if I don't obey what You've told me, where does that leave me? Well, I will not be able to draw near to You.
The progression of the oppressor is simple: lack of obedience, lack of correction, lack of trust in You, lack of Your felt presence.
My question becomes very simple then...what are You calling me to obey?
Oppression, a topic that is definitely rolling around in my head during these forty days. It's scary to look at where oppression really starts, and yet, it makes total sense. Here in a very unread and unknown book to me, Lord, You have begun to unfold the dimensions of oppression and unjustice.
What I think I see in this verse is a progression. A progression that ends with an oppressor. And where does it all start... WITH A LACK OF LISTENING AND OBEYING. The one who opposes the reign of God begins with obeying no one, listening to no one's correction.
This really becomes significant when it is applied to my relationship with You. What reveals my trust in You? My obedience. If I believe that You are truly good, then I will do what You have asked of me, because I know that it is only for the benefit of Your plan. And if I don't obey what You've told me, where does that leave me? Well, I will not be able to draw near to You.
The progression of the oppressor is simple: lack of obedience, lack of correction, lack of trust in You, lack of Your felt presence.
My question becomes very simple then...what are You calling me to obey?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
"Are You Envious Because I Am Generous?"
My question yesterday was who I needed to hear, where the cry was coming from, who I should release from chains of injustice...who? Lord, sometimes You answer me in very frustrating ways.
On Monday I was supervising study hall, walking around the room answering questions that many of the students had about their math homework. One student raised their hand and as I walked over simply stated, "I don't get it." As I started to explain the problem, she began to rant, "I tried that already and it doesn't make sense!" I calmly tried to help her through the correct process, "What is the first step that we take in solving this equation?" Her answer was short and bitter, "I don't know." She folded her arms and looked straight ahead, totally immersed in her own frustration. Of course, her notes were laying open right beside her with the first step to solving the equation listed in bold letters. Her frustration and earnest desire to have the answer were preventing her even beginning the problem. Her frustration was then taken out on me, the teacher, who just wouldn't give her the freaking answer.
Here I am this morning, sitting at home, reading Dallas Willard, just simply spending time with You. I was really dwelling in Your presence, not the frustration and the stress of the question. And then You hit me with an answer that I already knew. But a thought that I definitely needed to hear again.
Who do I set free from the chains of injustice... those who I AM HOLDING IN THOSE CHAINS. The ones that I am doing injustice towards. The ones that I do not find deserving to feel the power of the heavens. The ones who I cannot even bring myself to say their names without bitterness, pride and frustration entering my heart and mind.
So who are these? These are the people of my everyday world. The student with the constant bad attitude. The kids with little ambition and a lot of ADD. Those people who drain my energy and I'd rather cancel meetings with them than go for a half an hour. The mis-translators of Your words, the mis-informed of Your gospel, and the teachers who are responsible for all this misinformation. The Ken Silvas of the world. I do injustice in my attitudes and actions towards these people all the time.
The truth is that You are extremely generous. You sent Jesus to throw open the doors of the kingdom to anyone who would know You. How dare I hold those doors shut in my own kingdom. My will must become Your will, so I have to begin by seeing people the same way as You do... all deserve Your kingdom life. Lord I am envious of those who have not put in the amount of soul-searching that I have and still are offered Your kingdom. Today, begin to make me generous like you.
On Monday I was supervising study hall, walking around the room answering questions that many of the students had about their math homework. One student raised their hand and as I walked over simply stated, "I don't get it." As I started to explain the problem, she began to rant, "I tried that already and it doesn't make sense!" I calmly tried to help her through the correct process, "What is the first step that we take in solving this equation?" Her answer was short and bitter, "I don't know." She folded her arms and looked straight ahead, totally immersed in her own frustration. Of course, her notes were laying open right beside her with the first step to solving the equation listed in bold letters. Her frustration and earnest desire to have the answer were preventing her even beginning the problem. Her frustration was then taken out on me, the teacher, who just wouldn't give her the freaking answer.
Here I am this morning, sitting at home, reading Dallas Willard, just simply spending time with You. I was really dwelling in Your presence, not the frustration and the stress of the question. And then You hit me with an answer that I already knew. But a thought that I definitely needed to hear again.
Who do I set free from the chains of injustice... those who I AM HOLDING IN THOSE CHAINS. The ones that I am doing injustice towards. The ones that I do not find deserving to feel the power of the heavens. The ones who I cannot even bring myself to say their names without bitterness, pride and frustration entering my heart and mind.
So who are these? These are the people of my everyday world. The student with the constant bad attitude. The kids with little ambition and a lot of ADD. Those people who drain my energy and I'd rather cancel meetings with them than go for a half an hour. The mis-translators of Your words, the mis-informed of Your gospel, and the teachers who are responsible for all this misinformation. The Ken Silvas of the world. I do injustice in my attitudes and actions towards these people all the time.
The truth is that You are extremely generous. You sent Jesus to throw open the doors of the kingdom to anyone who would know You. How dare I hold those doors shut in my own kingdom. My will must become Your will, so I have to begin by seeing people the same way as You do... all deserve Your kingdom life. Lord I am envious of those who have not put in the amount of soul-searching that I have and still are offered Your kingdom. Today, begin to make me generous like you.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
With Her Head on My Shoulder
While I am trying to get control of the fact that God is all around me, providing for all the times of simplicity in which I miss Him, I was hit very hard last night with an appreciation of the silent times where I get to hold my wife. We sat together, reading and resting, in our big easy chair by our front window. I just listened...
WITH HER HEAD ON MY SHOULDER:
Splitting the living air, this silence that grows;
The rumbled breath of the plow through the snow,
The rustling breeze of the cars and their beams,
The name of the Lord on your lips as you sleep.
Speak out of the space that surrounds my time,
As salvation and righteousness mingle inside,
The movements of spirit are grounded in place,
Those high and holy and those low and base.
WITH HER HEAD ON MY SHOULDER:
Splitting the living air, this silence that grows;
The rumbled breath of the plow through the snow,
The rustling breeze of the cars and their beams,
The name of the Lord on your lips as you sleep.
Speak out of the space that surrounds my time,
As salvation and righteousness mingle inside,
The movements of spirit are grounded in place,
Those high and holy and those low and base.
Hearing Injustice?
Isaiah 58:6 - Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: TO LOOSE THE CHAINS OF INJUSTICE...
This is a life verse for me. The kind that I want to memorize and carry in my spirit forever. The rest of the chapter itself is amazing. It is a call that is close to my heart, to share with the hungry, to provide shelter, to clothe the naked, to spend ourselves in behalf of others...but I can't hear.
Awhile ago, I realized that to lead others in ministry, I need to hear hearts. Lord, You must provide me with the ability to hear the heart of many. What do they desire, yearn for, worry about? What do they constantly come before You in prayer for and how can we help them?
But it seems that as this fast starts I am extremely deaf. Perhaps I have not taken enough time to hear, perhaps I am too selfish with my time, perhaps am I simply too lazy. Lord, the kind of fasting You have chosen is to loose the chains of injustice, but I must hear where that injustice is first. Help me to have an ear for the cry.
This is a life verse for me. The kind that I want to memorize and carry in my spirit forever. The rest of the chapter itself is amazing. It is a call that is close to my heart, to share with the hungry, to provide shelter, to clothe the naked, to spend ourselves in behalf of others...but I can't hear.
Awhile ago, I realized that to lead others in ministry, I need to hear hearts. Lord, You must provide me with the ability to hear the heart of many. What do they desire, yearn for, worry about? What do they constantly come before You in prayer for and how can we help them?
But it seems that as this fast starts I am extremely deaf. Perhaps I have not taken enough time to hear, perhaps I am too selfish with my time, perhaps am I simply too lazy. Lord, the kind of fasting You have chosen is to loose the chains of injustice, but I must hear where that injustice is first. Help me to have an ear for the cry.
Savor
Lord, You speak so much to me through Scripture, and You've spoken to me in this text:
2 Peter 1:5-8 : For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, SELF-CONTROL; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The last thing I want is to be ineffective in my knowledge Lord. And You've built that up so much over the past year. So now, I'm asking, add self-control to my knowledge.
The thing that I'm struggling with controlling now is my thoughts, I'm hungry all the time and I can't focus on You. Here I am expecting miraculous things to happen in my life and in the lives of those I lead, but I can't even open myself up to You. Isn't that the problem? Finding space. You're inhabiting all the space around me, all the time, but I can't take time to just be in that space with You. I'm only interested in travelling through that space.
That's what's happening to me now. I'm trying to get past these 40 days, to move through them. I hear You calling me to dwell in them to relish them. My whole world is saturated in moments that are to be savored, I'm beginning to realize. Help me to slow down and savor You. There so many rich textures around me, help me to taste them, touch them, live in them. I thank You for leading me here today, to where I am.
2 Peter 1:5-8 : For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, SELF-CONTROL; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The last thing I want is to be ineffective in my knowledge Lord. And You've built that up so much over the past year. So now, I'm asking, add self-control to my knowledge.
The thing that I'm struggling with controlling now is my thoughts, I'm hungry all the time and I can't focus on You. Here I am expecting miraculous things to happen in my life and in the lives of those I lead, but I can't even open myself up to You. Isn't that the problem? Finding space. You're inhabiting all the space around me, all the time, but I can't take time to just be in that space with You. I'm only interested in travelling through that space.
That's what's happening to me now. I'm trying to get past these 40 days, to move through them. I hear You calling me to dwell in them to relish them. My whole world is saturated in moments that are to be savored, I'm beginning to realize. Help me to slow down and savor You. There so many rich textures around me, help me to taste them, touch them, live in them. I thank You for leading me here today, to where I am.
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