The "Yes"

I have been on this Lent path for a week now, trying to become more mature as a Christian. Starting with the basics of repentance, I have been trying to leave my selfish ways behind. And in some ways I'm succeeding, in other I am failing. I think that is probably what it means to be human, so I'm not going to be to harsh on myself yet.

But I'm not going to stop trying, either, Lord. One of the areas of maturity was self-control. I do really well at the "no" that is inherent to self-control. For me, I believe self-control has two areas, a "no" and then a "yes." You have to control yourself to say no to things that are bad for you, destructive to faith and following Christ. But then you have to say yes to the things Christ would, helping others, forgiving, going the extra mile, turning the cheek, etc.

As an ascetic worshipper by nature, I do not mind denying myself in order to get closer to You. I have fasted, I have given up things, I have given up vices. I have denied myself access to distractions, giving up television or searching other internet blogs. In the past, I have done these things of denial, and they have been a joy.

But have they changed my attitude of saying yes to difficult things? Not always. I still have trouble doing the things that would make me feel uncomfortable, be difficult, or require a lot of me. For example, I crave my lunches alone. It allows me to think, relax, and recover. And yet, I have many students with missing assignments that I should simply call in to work on those assignments with me, where I can give them help and answer questions in a non-judgmental way. But I love my lunches alone! Or, I am the Bible teacher, and I've been thinking lately that it would be good to have a group of students that regularly prayed for the school. But again, this would have to cut into my time, my alone time, in one way or another. So it doesn't happen.

So my prayer today is simple, let me be more of a yes man. The things that will further Your kingdom, that fall inside Your priorities for me: Let me be self-control enough to say yes to them.

Two Barriers

As I think about the idea from my last post, Lord, stepping forth to love others, that is not a natural attitude for me. It is not natural for me to think of someone else's needs above my own and it is not natural for me to spend a whole lot of time worrying about other people's problems.

I don't mean to say I don't help other people, but I only help other people when they ask for my help. I helped Joel and Jackie paint their house, but only when they asked me to. I helped Bryan clean his garage, but only when asked. I just don't look for the needs of others and take the initiative to ask if they want help.

And that's a kind of passive selfishness. I'm not demanding that everybody look at me and do things my way. I just don't really go out of my way to do things on the behalf of others. I don't involve myself with others if I don't have to. I'm afraid that if I was in the Good Samaritan story I'd be the guy who sees the injured man, and walks on by with a million "good" excuses as to why I couldn't help.

One barrier to loving others is my passive selfishness.

I also think that my passive selfishness is grown from another desire: I'm pretty lazy. I don't want to be doing work after I get home from work. I don't want to go to someone's house and tutor their children after I get done with work. I don't want to drive to Joel and Jackie's and help refinish the bathroom on a Tuesday evening. I don't even want to do the things that have to get done around my house. After work, I'm tired and I'd like to chill out with my son. If I get too involved with others, their might be difficult things for me to deal with in the evenings on a regular basis.

A second barrier to loving others is my laziness.

So these are the things that I need to step out of. They are not terrible, they don't keep me from being nice, but they keep me from being most effective in my faith. Help change these attitudes and outlooks in my heart Lord Jesus. Then I can be most dedicated to You.

The Desparate Stress

Texts:
- Psalms 109-112
- Luke 19-20
- Mark 2

Lord, often times when I come to You lately, I feel an ache within my body. It's familiar. It's the same one that I get when I can't finish a poem in a way that sounds right, the one that I got when a paper was due in 30 minutes at college and I couldn't get the right last paragraph, the one that I get when class starts in 5 minutes and I have no idea what I'm going to teach. It's stress. I cannot believe it, but I've been coming to You and instead of rest I've been feeling stressed.

I know why too. I've been feeling like every time we get together I MUST walk away with something new. I've gotten so used to You amazing me, that I expect it and I'm beginning to think that I have something to do with it. If a text doesn't come to life immediately I'm re-reading and thinking, "There's got to be something here I can make a connection with, I just need to try harder." I'm trying to do it all, I'm coming to Your word hoping that I can find something. All this emphasis on I hasn't even really worked, it's just thrown me into the desparate stress.

It's just so easy to forget that You are the one who really opens Scripture to me, You are the one who makes the connections fly off the page, that has brilliant insight marked brightly for me to see. You are the one that I need to seek with excitement and wonder. That's hard to do with a heart full of stress and a mind bogged down by what needs to be done.

Lord, simply open up some Scripture for me today in a way that makes me praise. I have found that You are good for the past several days, but those realizations have come from events other than revelation from Scripture. I would love that to continue, for that is mighty good reason to praise as well, but I still want to see You in Your word.

I praise You, Lord God of word and deed, continue to bring Your word and deed together in my life and before my eyes and ears.