Lent: Day 40

So, obviously my Lent count has included Sundays, so it will end at 47 days.  It's been a really interesting time.  What I'm learning is that which helps me pursue You and that which doesn't.  I also think I'm going to have to be aware in the future that it is not always the same thing every day.  In other words, I like to go on these times of discipline.  For example, for 40 days I'm going to write a poem for You every day, or for the rest of this year I'm going to read the gospels once a week, or giving something up for Lent, or getting up every morning to read through the Bible, or whatever.  Sometimes those disciplines just become dead.  What I need to learn is attention.

To pay attention to what you are doing.  To recognize as I tell my tennis team.  A relationship doesn't always work in the same way every time.  I must be aware of that.  Aware of what You are trying to say to me.  I think perhaps the most important thing that has happened this Lent is that I have unearthed a simple prayer that I used to pray with regularity, "Speak to me, speak through me."  I don't know why that faded away but I could certainly use it to be true in my life.

It took Eugene pointing me back to the personal, Exodus pointing to the right actions and attitudes, and frustration of spirit to make it all visible.  But solid optimism has been restored to me.  It could snow another 9 inches today, and I have been renewed enough to say..."Sunday is on the way" and guess what, "the tomb is empty!"

Negative

I was thinking the yesterday about my attitude. KP came to give the middle school chapel, which was about thankfulness. She did a great job talking about choosing to be thankful in all things. I don't choose thankfulness very often, and even when I do it rarely comes naturally. Even Monday when I wrote to You here it was a struggle to stay on thankful terms.

I thought about it and despite my whole life being what I would call an optimist, somewhere in the course of the last several years I have begun to develop a negative attitude toward a lot of things in life. Call it realism, that's probably where I've been filing it, but really I can lack hope. I'm sure that it comes from experience: Every day I tell students to enter the classroom and sit down in there chairs and be ready for class, every day somebody doesn't do it. Every day I want to see my tennis players working hard and being self-motivated to come out and play tennis, every day somebody doesn't do it. And with Exodus, I'm not even sure what is going on there. That has been the biggest roller coaster I've ever been involved with.

But I want to be known as a joyful person, someone who keeps their cool and keeps their smile. Give me that strength to overcome the reality of suffering with the reality of hope. Let me recognize the beauty of transformation that You have put all around me. I choose to not be bogged down by the sameness and the effort, but be inspired by the moments where someone "gets it."

Today is a day where I want to leave negative behind and live by the Spirit. Let the fruit of joy be evident today!

While My Baby Cries...

So Gideon is going nuts right now because Courtney is trying to get him to lay back down and go to sleep on his own, no rocking, no holding, etc. She's being a wonderful wife and saying that I can just go ahead and go back to sleep, but it's hard to sleep with a baby that you love screaming in the other room. So, I guess that I figured I would come be with You and when buddy boy finally falls back asleep, I'll go cuddle up to my adorable but certainly frustrated wife.

So I'm not sure what's going on tonight, but yesterday I felt close to You when I wrote, now this early morning I feel far. Most of the times that I get up at odd hours to talk I can feel special movements of Your Spirit, this morning I get only faint whispers. I feel a lot of guilt this morning, from not helping with Gideon, to the obligations of tennis keeping me from being fully present at teaching meeting last night, to my non-detail-oriented self not paying attention to details and continually following up with AMBS. Pile on top of that the stress of teaching and the perhaps final week of tennis and the monster cookie from the Brew last night and my stomach is a mess right now.

I keep having this problem lately. I'm pretty sure of what I want from You, and my only way of gauging our relationship is whether I get it or not. I want to win tennis matches, and my mood and desire for devotion varies according to whether we win or not. I want my baby to stop crying so my wife can sleep (I've prayed for Your calming Spirit fifteen times now). And as Gideon continues to cry, I want to ask, "Where are You? I'm calling! Can You freaking not hear me?"

But that's all stupid. Babies have to learn to go to sleep on their own, and parents have to go through the difficult trials of teaching that. Why am I asking You to make it go away? Because I want things made easier for myself. I certainly need rest, and so does Courtney, and dealing with these things right now keeps us far away from rest. Our lives are often so scrambled during tennis season, we desire some peace. With the baby crying, there isn't a lot of peace. And very little sleep.

Can You make a greater good from all this craziness? Every time he stops wailing for a second I get hopeful, ready to explode into a praising spirit (which makes it all the more frustrating when he explodes into cries again). But the continual hope, the continual belief without fulfillment, that gets very painful. It starts to make me feel like not hoping and becoming cynical, and that is the opposite of faith.

That's where I'm at with tennis season as well. I have, we have all had in the tennis program, a lot of hope through the year. Our greatest fear is that our hope will be denied at the last second. Lord, allow our hope to come to fulfillment. Allow our work to be blessed. Continue to use our experiences, both good and bad, to draw us close to You. My heart is desperate within me. And yet I can't claim to know all of Your ways and how You are shaping situations for our good and for our growth. And therefore I only have one thing to cry:

Lord, have mercy on me!

Cry for Mercy

"Though I were innocent, I could not answer him; I could only plead with my Judge for mercy."
- Job 9:15

Lord, awhile back we taught on a Sunday morning about crying for mercy. We talked about it once when Joel taught, and then I think I ended up teaching about it a couple of weeks later. The premise is that whether You are blessing or You are cursing, about the only thing we can do is cry for mercy.

I don't have a whole ton of time this morning because of other responsibilities, but let me say this: Your mercy is needed. Perhaps our lives must become swirling balls of stress before we put our priorities straight and lean on You, but they have become that. At times, we feel desperate and hopeless. And admittedly, it's basically all our fault. So the only response that I can come up with right off the top of my head is: "Lord, have mercy on us."

Lord, have mercy on us.

A Prayer for Solitude

Lord God, my Father and Sustainer...

In the summer we drift,
more accurately, I drift.
In a busyness season,
I am surrounded with
those I love and those
I am obligated to.
Weddings and camps,
anniversaries and baby-sitting,
late nights because I can sleep in,
difficulty getting up because I
sleep next to the most beautiful
women you've yet made.
I've stayed interested,
but I've wandering commitment.
When I'm in rhythm,
You fit into all the cracks,
You fill the freedom of Gideon's naps,
the preps when I relax.
When I'm out of practice,
I'd rather read about You.
I'd rather long to be with You
than actually be with You.
So, Lord of Renewal,
what can renew? I'm now
allowing myself to desire to,
where can I find You?
Draw me away for some time,
allow me peace where inside
I find a drink under this summer,
the refreshment of loneliness.

A Journey from Hopelessness to Joy

TUESDAY 3.11.08 – JOHN 13:15–17
I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

I'm going to take a break today from commenting on the Lent readings. They've been very formational throughout my fast this year, but today other things are on my mind.

Basically, in my continual struggle through this fast, my eyes have left You my Lord. It happens in cyclical fashion throughout my life, and it's not something I'm panicking over like many times recorded in this blog. It's almost simply a fact, and I feel a conviction to focus back on You and what You are doing in this world.

I notice two specific things that often cause me to either look at myself or lose my joy and hope. Both have happened recently to me.

Number One: Losing Joy and Hope

I certainly have lost some of Your Spirit of joy and hope. To make a really easy observation, this happens when I feel overwhelmed and as if You are not answering a prayer of mine that is good. Instead of just being general, let me give You an example.

This past week I was feeling very joyful and hopeful until we had our teaching meeting on Thursday night. Actually, during and after the teaching meeting I was really pleased and hopeful about the things we were pursuing and may be able to get done. We talked about justice and injustice and how one of the callings of every church and every Christian is to bring justice to situations of injustice. Convinced of this, we began to ask where Exodus can become involved in injustice. We had a hard time coming up with concrete ideas. So we said we'd search this week and went our own ways. We also said we'd pray.

So we have, I have, and almost a week from that...well, I almost typed in here that I've had no ideas. But that's not true, I had one brilliant idea. It's scary and big, but it was a great idea and it came during my one true time of extended prayer specifically about this topic. You see, I was fully intending to rant here in this post that it seems like You're not answering me. In honesty, You did, but it looked nothing like what I expected. So I've continued to look for something like I expected, and perhaps that won't be there until we've taken care of what You did give us a vision for. Honestly, all of this came to me while I was typing here.

Isn't it odd how we completely miss the blessing You give us, and then complain that You are not giving us any attention. But certainly, I had felt hopeless these past couple of days because I felt like I'd been praying for a place for Exodus to fight injustice and You've just been ignoring me, opening no doors, providing no opportunities. And I've felt like I have done my part, searching the Internet, looking for places that want more than money, looking for something that would grab our hearts.

And that caused a hopelessness and sucking out of my joy. But as I realize the blessing of answered prayer, the fact that I really am not paying attention and listening to what You say, my hope is returning. It makes me very joyful to learn that the problem is with me, and not with You. When You are supposed to be perfect, and it feels like there is a problem with You, well, You can see how that leads to a lack of joy. But when You who are all good are proved to be all good, well, You can see why joy returns.

Number Two: Looking at Myself

Sin. Yuck. When I get that feeling of hopelessness, warranted or not, and frustration with You, that's when sin is the most easily active in my life. It makes total sense, I resist temptation in obedience to You, because I believe that it is true that my best life is free of the things You say are sinful. But when I'm mad at You I don't have as much ambition to obey.

That's totally happened to me this week and past weekend. My will becomes so weak in times of hopelessness. It hasn't even been that bad, but it has been there. In the way I treat my wife, I have been selfish and sinned. In the things that I let my eyes linger on, I have been selfish and sinned. In my treatment of students, I have been weary and sinned.

But remembrance, remembrance is the key to obedience. As pointed out in the Abraham story, building the altars to remember what the Lord had done for him. I don't know why I always forget this important part of the Biblical narrative. What You have done for me is great! And recent, and relevant even to my frustration and struggle. You had answered my prayer, giving a way for the community to thoughtfully and worshipfully engage in each other's injustices. And it's an inspired idea, because it came from a time of prayer with You.

Joyful, joyful we adore Thee! For the things that You've done that we recognize: the cross, giving us Your Spirit, rising again, giving life, light and provision. For the things that You've done that we don't see: answering our prayers in unexpected fashion, walking with us through our frustration. Please help us to see this. And finally, we adore Thee for Your numerous blessings: my son's goofy giggle, my wife's arm thrown around my shoulders at night, my possible job change, my tennis team and our journey, my friends at Exodus, the transformation of lives...the glory of the LORD!

Let me walk in Your ways today Lord. Amen.

Through the Sea of Reeds

Scripture Reading:
Exodus 13-15

I am surprised at the amount of new thought that is springing forth as I read through Exodus again Lord. We just finished teaching the book to our community, and I feel as though we could go right back through and touch on completely different truths, while still being true to the narrative. When we talk about the importance of story, I see it here. As I change and grow, the story looks different even though it is written the same.

I sit here today with two main thoughts from this Scripture reading. One came up in conversation Sunday with Bryan, and that is the personal nature of Biblical worship and song. It's not all God is great and God is good, it often includes an element of what You have just done. For example, in chapter 15, the song of praise they sing is about Pharaoh's army being drowned in the sea, and how that provided deliverance, and how that shows Your glory. Too often I think we generically praise instead of seeing the deliverance and provision all around us and specifically praising for that.

The other main thought I have is about the deliverance act of parting the waters. I know the Israelite people were whiners, and they are at their best here as they sat by the waters. Did you laugh at them to, Lord, when they cried out, "Were there not enough graves in Egypt? Is that why you brought us out here in the desert to die?" It's so ridiculous of a claim.

But it's ridiculous only because I know the ending. I mean, when I stop and put myself in their sandals, it is a very different situation. You had said earlier in chapter 14 that they aren't ready to face war, so if we assume that You were right (I know it's a stretch:) then these people are going to freak and probably die if they have to fight. Well Pharaoh's army is coming right at them, there aren't any escapes by land and they have a sea to their backs. Where do they go?

I identify with their situation. It looks like a frustrating no win. "I can't do this because of this, I can't do that because of that other thing, and we can't go through the sea...because, well, it's a sea!"

Why did You bring Exodus Community to the spot that it is. Do we really look like the people that we say we are? Are we really being transformed? Is it because other churches were too filled with spiritually dying people that You brought us out together to Exodus, that we might become what we hate together, dying in our own tiny place? We can't help this person because... We can't do because they'll think...

So what? Is it time for You to take us through the Sea of Reeds? Because we seem throughly stuck, and it seems easier to talk about the problems that have us stuck than any way out. Maybe that's because we're up against a sea.

So my question then is what is hemming us in that You can lead us through? Help us to remember that we don't have to solve every problem, You are very good at that, but that many times we do need to walk through them.

What personal praises we will sing to You then, when You've taken us through this? I'm am excited and expectant to find out. Speak to us, speak through us. Amen.

Barren

Lord, I'm really trying hard to be alive for You in this Advent season. I'm so intrigued by the idea of waiting for You, the idea that Advent season, when we take it seriously, teaches us to wait in anticipation. To wait in anticipation for Christmas, to wait in anticipation for the coming renewal of all things, but most importantly, to wait in anticipation to see what You are doing in our lives right now.

So, waiting basically is really hard work because nothing seems to be happening. And it's not just me who feels this way. Bryan, who is also trying to take the Advent season very seriously, also feels like this. In some ways, it feels super unfair. We're trying to be committed and take what You say to heart, and yet it feels like Your true presence is far from us. Or worse that we're being ignored.

I know that these times are the hardest for me spiritually. I thrive on being able to feel Your presence, Your leading and direction. Whether that is in the things that I am leading, or in the Bible reading that I do, or whatever else, my faith is built on times of relational closeness with You. When that's not there, I feel dead. And tired. And not really like trying. So it's weird, these past couple weeks, despite the confusion of Your "withdrawl," the deadness, the tiredness, I've tried to push through and see what it is that You want me to hear, what it is that You want me to do.

I'm still waiting.

Maybe that's the point. I am reading this morning through the Christmas story in Luke. I've been wanting to read the gospels again and just finished Matthew, so this morning I started into Luke. I think Luke Christmas story is the most awesome, not because it goes into the most detail about Christ's birth (which it does) but because it also sets up Christ's birth with the birth of John the Baptist, the one who prepares the way for the Lord. I think it is a very neat account in the first chapter of Luke about preparing.

That's kind of what Advent is about to. Well, not kind of. That is what Advent is about. As you wait for Christmas and for Christ to arrive, you prepare yourself and I suppose others for what He is going to do. Okay. So this tale of John the Baptist is crucial in Advent, because this is a tale of waiting and preparation.

As I'm reading, the word that just jumped right off the page at me was barren. "Because Elizabeth was barren..." Just kind of a random word, just factual, informing us why Zechariah and Elizabeth didn't have any children. But very descriptive of where I feel I am at in my waiting and preparation. Interesting to that Elizabeth was barren, the child she does have ends up going to the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord. He lives in the barren desert. Probably no connection, but it is intriguing to me.

There seems to be many things involved in preparing ourselves and waiting. I am wondering if one of these important elements of waiting is barrenness. Finding yourself in the wilderness, confused and feeling alone. Perhaps it's a lesson of humility, showing us where we get to on our own merit and preparing us to see where God is going to take us.

I am sure it is part of the process, but Lord, I am not okay being here. Please help me to wait in this barren wilderness until You are truly leading me out.

It's Been a Long Time

It's been a long time since I've been in this space with the LORD. And I've seen the consequences. Less focus, less drive, less communion. What a sorrowful separation it has been. I think of the times when Court and I have been emotionally distant just because we're not involving each other in the day-to-day of life. That's where I am with You right now as well. You are not feeling the day-to-day of my life, and I am not feeling You in my day very often.

I know it is because my eyes and heart are not open. I know it is because discouragement has crept up and into my mind. I know it is because I pursue the things where I feel I am having success instead of addressing the areas that obviously need change. I know it's because I've adopted a comfortably outward theology while still living a comfortably inward lifestyle.

It's amazing the damages that my life feels from the distance. I haven't written a poem since last May, with all the inspiration of summer I am lacking inspiration from You. I haven't finished a book since early Spring, my knowledge and my thirst for it have all been sufficiently stifled. This is not the image I wish to see myself as. I want to be relentlessly pursuing You. I have not been.

How do I become relentless? That's an interesting quality that I would not pick to describe myself as in the least. It sounds somewhat negative. And yet...You are very good at taking negatives, weaknesses and turning them upside down. Perhaps my heart's desire is to be relentless.

When I think of my son, coming in only four more months, and I think of the model that I want to set for him, what does it look like? When he is 25, what will he say his dad was like? What do I want him to say?

Well, loving I suppose is the obvious one...but not to sound arrogant, I know I am going to be a great lover of my children. But that's not all I want to be. Relentless in my pursuit of God, my Lord, the LORD. You. I hope that my son's model for being a man is one defined, wrapped in, dripping with a relentless pursuit of the one and only LORD.

How can I be more relentless? Well...priorities. You and Your way must be in the forefront. Not tennis, not Exodus, not Gideon, not school, not sin. But again, defining myself by what I shouldn't do doesn't always work all that well. So enough not's, as true as they are. What are the do's? What should I pursue?

It's always good to start with the Word, for my journey with Christ starts with those texts. But prayer is always right behind. Yet, I think the key definitely lies in creation and action. It is creation now that I'm lacking, and that holds the spice. I need to honor You with my creativity and with my thoughts. I must hold You there first. So back to the poems, back to the creative Bible lessons, sermons, chapels. Now I am getting excited once again!

Room to Speak

First of all, let me just say that keeping up a blog, even if it is supposed to be communication between You and me, is hard work. There just doesn't seem to be that much to talk about, even with You.

But this week, ever since studying Scripture with my pastor buddies on Monday night, Your simple (and simply overwhelming) "I am" statement has been just banging around my head. Not in the gentle, "Hum, I wonder..." type of way but in the sledgehammer strong "I demand some answers!" type of thought. Where better to go for answers than some dialogue with You.

(An honest aside: I've come to not really expect straightforward answers from You, but more questions leading me into different trains of thought, provoking more questions...invigorating maybe, but in some sense making things more difficult and confusing in the end. Another thing I've come to notice is that You end up directing me back to some truth that is already present in my life, just not fully developed, appreciated, obeyed or understood.)

(Okay, another honest aside: I've often heard that confession is necessary to kind of clear the air before you have honest discussions with You, God. Well, I've got a couple of confessions to make up for all the time I've not exactly been talking with You. Number one: I've become convinced that You want to be number one in every one's life, and I know that often You've been pushed out of the way lately by many things. Okay, here's the list: pride, sexual sin, sports, laziness, simple distractions, contempt, disinterest. All those things have become more important to me than You. Clear them away. Help me fast from them for awhile, or whatever works. Number two: I still care more about what others think about me than what You want from me.)

But...

You've got to make it clear what You want from me.

I know exactly what pride wants. It wants me to do everything my way and then make sure I get the credit. Or let someone else do everything their way, shirk the blame, and tell everyone how I could have done it better. It happens to me with the tennis program at school. It happens within our Exodus Community gatherings. Point being, it messes with things I really want to succeed. But, I know exactly what to do to be prideful.

Or sexual sin. It wants to be gratified. Whatever way that takes. Making my wife an object, masturbation, pornography, etc. I know that any of these will do. I know exactly what to do.

Or sports. I just need to be involved. Tape the game, talk to people about, visit websites and get the inside scoop. Lose myself into all the minute details of the Chicago Fire, or French Open Championships, or Bethany tennis. I know what it wants.

So what do You want?

Last week on vacation I asked this question, and it seemed that You gave two vague answers.

1. My relationship to You, and to doing Your will, is to be Your servant. To help in the acts that You are already involved in.

2. My job is often to be still and the go fill. That sounds stupid and pragmatic, but I got to admit that it is easy to remember.

Okay, so I guess I do have some answers...but I don't really know how to use them. Okay, I'm supposed to be Your servant. I was so convinced of this that I told everyone in the Exodus Community that that is what we're all supposed to be. And I believe that. I just don't exactly know what it is that we are supposed to serve you in. And be still...okay, just right where I am? Or go down to the dam? Or sit outside? And what am I listening for anyways? Or am I not supposed to listen, just sit and be still and try to think of nothing (which seems literally impossible)? And then fill...wait, what? And specifically, who? And again, once I've got the who, how?

What I know, what I appreciate, is that You are insanely personal. I know You want to work through this with me. And what occurs to me from the "I am" statement is that "You are" working through this with me. Just never as clearly as I may like.

Well, that seemed to be a bunch of madness explaining little. But after having this little piece of honesty with You, I've said my say. All that's been building up in me is out there. So now I'll end this little piece and listen.

I hope You have room to speak.

Why is Prayer Difficult?

Lord, I've had a lot of big things on my plate this month. Exciting news, grading deadlines, the beginning of the Exodus Community gatherings (this Sunday!). The one thing I should be doing is constantly taking these things before You in prayer. The one thing I've been the furthest from doing is taking these things before You in constant prayer.

There's so much that I'd rather do to be "spiritual." I mean to seek You. I'd rather study, gleaning bits of knowledge from the pages of Scripture and the writings of wise interpreters. I'd rather write, for much of my time in the fast and after was spent here blogging my thoughts. I'd rather write poetry, a creative (but often frustrating) way of reaching out. I'd rather teach, and try to bring others to the same points of insight that I've received from You. I'd rather go for a walk, peaceful and relaxed without any real cares.

And those are all ways of worship, but there is something different about prayer. Isn't there?

Like should I be praying in addition to all that? I just keep having this continual sense that maybe we should have a prayer meeting, for prayer only, where we pray for like an hour or two and wait for You to join us. But then that seems really boring, feels like we'd be repeating ourselves, feels like there isn't that much important to be prayed for.

Well, maybe there is the rub. Maybe we're not just supposed to pray about important things. I've often heard it said that we supposed to bring everything to the Lord in prayer. But like, just an example here, I can handle my sleeping by myself. Or my eating (I'm really lax at praying before I eat, especially lunch). It just doesn't seem important enough to pray.

I suppose, and I say this with a long sigh, that prayer is another practice. Something that I must do if I want to better at it, if I want it to become more meaningful. I guess I just don't want to go through the work that ends up making it a joy. I just want it to be a joy right now. Like my Scripture time, or my poetry, or my teaching.

Today Lord, may You make prayer a joy for me. May You talk with me as in the garden, may You walk with me in my un-important tasks, and may I remember that You are always there.

Not Always Finding

Lord, everyday as I sit to read the Scriptures I hope that You jump out of them straight into an application, something that moves my everyday life. It's happened so often, or You've connected ideas right in front of my eyes, or You've helped me see a situation in a new way. Well...

It doesn't always happen. There I said it. It's a frustrating reality, and I'm not sure how it fits in to faith. We had a great discussion at Sparky last night about our new ideas in forming a biblical community, our Exodus Community. I'm really excited about getting things about and moving. I'm excited to begin new relationships, meet people with different viewpoints but who mostly want to move in the same direction, towards You. I'm exciting about making my pillow (though I must think of a creative design).

This morning I really wanted to find some overarching theme that would just continue to build these thoughts and dreams and instead I read about Lazarus being raised from the dead. It seems strange to complain about reading a story of a resurrection, but it just felt, well, still dead. Even if it had captured me, I'm not sure it would have led me to immediately see how You are working in my life right now.

I have really appreciated the focus that I've already found in eleven days of searching. I've been proud to take the time to focus on You early in the morning. Maybe the times where I don't find immediate focus are to challenge me to think about You throughout the day, maybe they are because I'm doing something wrong in seeking You, maybe because You don't immediately want me to find You. I don't know. I just kwow that there are times when I am not always finding.

Waiting, Waiting

- Psalms 133-136
- Luke 8
- Matthew 13

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."

My life is full of situations that are too big for me to control. Planting a church, hoping for more students to enroll at 6th grade so that my job description will change to teaching more Bible, praying that my wife feels well when she is not, hoping that God will speak to the whole of the Exodus Community and that we would all be moving in the same direction. I mean, these are some specifics and I could list a whole lot more.

Just an interesting connection from the other day then when I read this passage in Psalms. The other day I read a passage about the watchmen guard in vain if the Lord was not watching with him. Now we see that the psalmist in this verse is waiting for the Lord more than the watchmen waits for the morning.

My question, Lord, is this: What if the watchmen is waiting for You? What if he is standing there on guard, but at the same time waiting for You? His watch is in vain, but it is because You haven't shown up yet. He can't leave his watch, he can't simply leave and go home and sleep, he'd lose is job and might not be able to give any type of warning against intruders or whatever else he's watching for.

So the question is, it's in vain to go on without You or ahead of You, then what do we do while we wait?

There are some places that I feel like I/we need to feel Your power become more evident.

- In funding for the church, for Exodus Community
- In moving people's spirits to be a part of Exodus Community
- In preparing us for the realities of Exodus Community
- In helping Courtney and I, Bryan and Kim, Joel and Jackie, Andy and Julie deal with the financial realities of church-planting
- In hearing Your will

I am waiting for Your answers, Your instructions, even Your questions. I am waiting for You to provide. But I don't know what to do while I wait.

But You've shown me. What does the watchmen do? He hopes for the morning. He waits expectantly for the breaking of dawn, for the dawn means You have just delivered him through another night.

May I wait on You in hope. May my day be filled with the promise of morning, and may that promise of light become evident to all. Blessed are You, Lord God of the morning, who sends the dawn of deliverance at the exact time it is needed most. I see Your power on the horizon and may I calmly await its full coming, in praise and in wonder. Amen.

Self Focus Equals Unfocused

Texts:
- Psalms 9-12
- Matthew 5-6
- Ezekiel 44-45

Lord, I read today the Sermon on the Mount. I just, well, it's hard to put the same effort into engaging this enormous book every day. Today, tired as I am, my thoughts wander I can't bring myself to really focus in. It's amazing, Lord, how cyclical life is. Learning, reading, grasping, teaching and then tired, unfocused, worried, fearful. How do these ever get sorted out?

Oftentimes, I feel like it is when I become to self-focused that I lose interest in the Word. Well, and honestly, when I get too self-focused is when I often feel like everything is boring. The truth is that a life lived only for myself and my gain becomes pretty pointless pretty quickly. That's why I love to be in relationship, with others and with You.

So what's going on with us Lord? I guess I'll have to let this day play out a little bit before I come back and answer that. However, I do want to bow myself before You today. I do want to recognize that You are teh one who holds my head up. You are the one who has been so energizing for my life this week and You are the one who will fill me today. I praise you for it.

May I be able to be filled with Your spirit today. May I dwell on the words of Your mouth, and silently seek the throne of God. May I walk away with sound and song of praise for my Savior, my Redeemer. Blessed are You, Lord God of all energy, who fills us with life, breathes into us purpose, and moves our spirit with joy. Amen.

I'm Tired of This

Lord, today punched me in the throat. It's one of those days that was not bad. But not bad is obviously not good, or inspiring, or a God moment, or worth fasting for. I know, believe, in my heart of hearts I know that this is not at all about what I'm going to get out of it...but it is. Here I am, day after day sitting at my keyboard waiting to hear what You have to say to me! And what are You saying! Nothing...or worse...be more silent.

What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.

Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.

You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"

You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."

You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."

Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.