EXC Daily Office: What is My Response?

Psalm 139

My first prayer is that Gideon stays asleep long enough for us to talk God. My second is that we can renew the faithful relationship that I preached about on Sunday. It's not that I feel terribly far away, although I've been there, it's that I want the same type of relationship that we had two years ago during my fast.

Back then, I could really say that I felt like You knew me. That You discerned my thoughts. That what was important to You was important to me. That I was making sacrifices for You. That You hemmed me in both behind and before me. What we had was a close, initimate relationship. What we have now feels more obligatory, less personal.

Our relationship reminds me so much of my marriage. At times, Courtney and I are on the same wavelength, on from everything from parenting, to social gatherings, to sex. Other times, I feel like I'm just getting through. We don't see eye to eye, she wants to watch "Housewives of Orange County" and I want to watch the Chicago Fire, and we just sit there on the same couch doing to completely different things. And without thinking, we've grown slightly apart. I mean, it's not bad, we still go to bed together and hold hands and say I love you and kiss goodnight, but, it's not the same. And there seems to be little I can do to control that.

Lately, I've noticed it's the same way with You. My blogs here must be really boring, because they are so cyclical. I'm close to You God, thank You! I'm not close, what is wrong? Draw me back! It is just the ramblings of someone (me) who is hopelessly in need of You. But especially the personal and relational side of You.

But You are with me. I know this. Right now, I need direction. I feel like I'm getting ready for something, being recharged, but I don't know what it is. So my response to You is hesitation. I really don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I feel a bit trapped by obligations (like that of parenting when my wife is at work) but really, I feel like I could be doing many things with my time. I need some direction. And I expect that You are doing something in my life, preparing me for something. I am looking forward to see what comes along next in life and how we will work through it together. I want to be attentive and close to You no matter what I face.

I feel like I just rambled a lot again. Maybe I need to just sit back and listen for awhile. Speak to me, LORD, I love You.