When You're Feeling Somewhat Conquered

FRIDAY 2.22.08 - COLOSSIANS 1:15-20
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and though him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

I've got lots of thoughts this morning Lord. I can tell that You are working in me, I can tell that You are trying to continue to work in me. However, none of my thoughts really spring from today's Lent reading. Just thought I'd be honest. Always a good place to start. This is a really difficult piece of Scripture, basically describing Your supremacy over everything. I can accept that as true, I just don't really know what to do with that from there. I suppose it should give me hope.

So, well, actually as I start to think now, hope is something that I/we at Exodus could use a lot of. For some reason all of us leaders have been shying away from pushing Exodus on in any specific direction, and much of that is because we are tired out from serving You, are looking at some of the failures or slow-going changes, and the hope has been showed pushed out of us.

What does it look like for You to have supremacy in someone's life who is visibly a walking failure? What does it look like for You to have victory over a situation that seems to never change? How do we help others acknowledge Your victory, and live in a wise and victorious state of mind when they are in situations created by their own failure and defeat? These are all questions that pound at my hope, because they don't have easy answers, maybe they don't even have answers I understand, and instead of letting myself be okay with that, I just feel more beat down and more like I don't understand You.

Do I believe in Your deliverance? Yes, but it is difficult beyond measure to wait for it. As I've struggled with all fast long, I still want my timing in just about everything. In many ways I still treat You like a slot machine. We have put in time and money with Aisha, we'd like her to be fixed now. If she's not fixed right now, because we want her to be, we're going to lose hope. You obviously must not be working if her life isn't getting better now.

Or...I want to feel Your Spirit, here and now at my command. If I don't this fast isn't worth anything. It's not ridiculous to feel this way, I don't think. I think many people feel this way about God. The problem is, I don't know how to treat You any differently. I don't know how to be content waiting. I want an instant gratification God, while that phrase cognitively grates against everything I think You are, that's still what I want.

Look at my recent prayers:
Fix Courtney's job situation - when I prayed for this I expected You to work that day. You did thank goodness, because otherwise I certainly would have been frustrated.
Bring Your Spirit upon Exodus - this one just started this morning, before I blogged to You. But if I'm honest, I was kind of hoping we would all this "spiritual experience" before Sunday so our spirits would be lifted and hope would be more easily attainable.

Okay, and I haven't really been praying for anything else, to be even more honest. I mean, on and off I pray for Gideon's future, for my brother and sister, for moms and dads, for classes at school. But all of those are so general, that I don't usually even know what I'm praying about (so how do I expect to see You work?) Anyways, I struggle, struggle, struggle with assuming that I am doing well in my faith when You are doing what I want and ask.

Seeking You is difficult. Looking for Your will is hard. But, "those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength..." Not those who force their way in. Not those who expect God to do what they want when they want it. Not those of us who are shaping up our golden calves with everything we've thrown in the fire. I'm tired, probably because I've been making my own way instead of looking around to see where You are going and what You are doing and joining You there.

Can You help me keep my eyes open to You? That's my prayer today.
Can You help me keep my ears open to You? That's my prayer today.

Let Exodus follow Your will, not our own. Because it is in You that we have hope!