Struggle

THURSDAY 2.14.08 - JAMES 4:7-10
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Greive, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I'm really fighting right now to know what to do. I desire closeness. Do I do the things or act in a way necessary to achieve that? Is it the devil working against me that I must resist? I feel like I'm searching at this point and not knowing quite what to expect. My mind is in a million places even though I have the day off of school. Is there always something to keep thinking about?

Today's Valentine's Day. I've got nothing for my wife. This weekend we agreed to go out with friends but now I'm suddenly afraid that I signed the tennis team up to work concessions this weekend and totally forgot. I'm tired because I got to sleep last night at 2:00. I want to go to the gym but I don't want to miss that time with my wife and son. I didn't get my wife anything for Valentine's Day, not even a card yet. I should run to the store and do that before the gym. I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to talk to You. I want to go back to bed. I know that when I go to bed I'll be wasting time. I want to be with my son and wife, but my son and wife bore me when I'm with them. What could I even get for my wife for Valentine's Day? Am I being humble before You? Am I even trying to resist? Why don't I? Why do things like this happen? I wish You could come close to me, I'm tired of tiring to walk up to You. I know I should. If You want to be with Your people then how come it is so hard for people with real desire to be close with You (um, like me) to actually be close with You? I hate this blog entry. I hate complaining. I should be praising. I would forget everything when I walked out the door, or even up the stairs. The only way I don't forget, the only way that You stay with me is if we struggle. So I guess this is just a big struggle, one that I cannot win, but maybe will bring us close. Like I want.

Resist the devil, he MUST flee.

Humble yourselves before the Lord.