Restore and Renew

WEDNESDAY 2.13.08 - LAMENTATIONS 5:15-22
Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning. The crown has fallen from our head. Woe to us, for we have sinned! Because of this our hearts are faint, because of these things our eyes grow dim for Mount Zion, which lies desolate, with jackals prowling over it. You, LORD, reign forever, your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long? Restore us to yourself, LORD, that we may return; renew our days as of old unless you have utterly rejected us and are angry with us beyond measure.

Not to be dramatic, but it all seems very clear now.

This is day eight, and I've been wondering Lord: just why exactly did I do this? I remember back in the fall thinking that I should do this again so that I could meet Resurrection Sunday with joy, and that thought was certainly the catalyst. It's what planted the thought firmly in my will, and what spurred me to seriousness. Then as I gained weight during the Christmas season I began to really look forward to this as a way to shed the unwanted pounds and unhealthy habits I had again stirred up. Then as others joined me I believed that maybe Your will in this discipline was for me to support others in their journey.

But today, these verses resound deeply in my heart. I have certainly been intentional in trying to listen, I am making an effort to lift my eyes up to you and come...but it has been a very difficult two days spiritually. No words seemed to ring out for me to hear, no path seemed open to come to You, and I've still struggled with this question of why. Personally, for me, why this Lenten journey? Why am I penitently listening, admitting my way isn't right and desperately searching to find my feet on Your way?

Because I've heard Your voice before and it is rich, honest, and good. Because I've been on Your way before, and know it to be deep, difficult, holy, and good. Because I've lived in relationship with You before, and it was the most soul and life enriching time that I've had. I am very thankful that I've experienced this closeness with You in the past. It is a dear, mysterious, cherished memory.

But recently, "Joy is gone from [my] heart; [my] dancing has turned to mourning." What powerful poetry! And how true for me. My relationship with You has been about discipline, which isn't a bad thing, but in itself is not rich or fulfilling. The utter weight of responsibility has made the joy vanish, my feet become very immobile, and my trips to "Mount Zion" less frequent, less enjoyed, and much shorter.

I'm sure that there are many reasons for the loss of joy. And it is not completely gone. But as the passage reads today: "Woe to us, for we have sinned!" Indeed. In a multitude of ways I have not lived in whole honesty with Your whole creation. Or even before You. And worst of all, I believe that I try to rationalize these things with myself using You. Using what I believe You might think as a rationalization for what's going on! Instead of listening to You on those specific cases, coming to You about those things. And I wonder why the joy is gone...

And so why am I fasting? I long to be restored. Oh how deep that feeling is! How strong that prayer! I want to be renewed.

I want the intimacy where You are sharing with me Your desires and I am motivated to do them. I want the hope that Your people can be Your people, not just creatures of comfort and fear. I want to dance towards each Sunday with passion, each Wednesday with joy, each Thursday with eagerness. I want to hold my wife with confidence, my son in prayer, and give my life into Your hands. I want to believe again, in the truest sense.

I want to be restored! I want to be renewed! That is why I come and listen.