I Seek Your Presence

TUESDAY 2.19.08 - PSALM 9:9-12
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done. For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cry of the afflicted.

I do a lot of seeking Lord. That is what this whole prayer time is about. And apparently You never forsake those who seek You. Dear heavenly Father, let me say again and again and again, my desire is to seek and to find You. Do not forsake me in that desire. Do not leave feeling disconnected and disengaged and as a result disappointed. Speak to me today, throughout the day. Bring me encouragement in the face of an overwhelming set of duties. Bring me rest in the midst of responsibility. Let my mind escape eternal checklist mode and find time to simply honor You. Just do not leave me feeling without You.

My heart cries out for that in all areas. Certainly we are not to be guided by feelings of spirituality, feelings that God is with us, but they are also as assuredly high points of our walk together. Times where I can point and say, "that was God at work." Times where I can feel Your presence in an almost physical way. These are the times that fill us up. Where have these times been lately?

It's not even that they have been altogether absent. It's more like they've been too far spaced out. I remember the last time I felt that tangible presence was when Bryan got his job. Such a strong and miraculous answer to prayer! Praise be to You for that, and I'm not being sarcastic at all. That WAS awesome.

Now, that was a month ago. I feel like my spiritual walk gets so tired in the days and weeks in between seeing Your tangible presence. Gideon's birth renewed me, but even in that I didn't feel the overwhelming flood of feeling I expected. But Gideon's birth was more than two months ago. Before that, well, it's been a long time.

And I don't want to just seek on my own accord. Exodus needs Your presence and that "fresh wind" of renewal as well. Maybe if I would live more in seeking for the community there would be more reward in that. In other words, if I looked for You beyond my own life. But there are many times when I don't even feel Your spirit in the Exodus community. Almost like we've lost some of the sense why we do what we do. It's great to get together every Sunday and every Wednesday (again, not being sarcastic) but why, ultimately, do we get together. What is our purpose?

I take it back for a second. I did feel renewed in getting together with the community recently, Saturday night at dinner and at Joel and Jackie's. We had a wonderful dinner and then Jackie put together a Valentine's Day party for us, to brighten up our marriages. You know what renewed me, the honesty of the evening. Nobody felt like they were going through the motions, instead we rejoiced together, shared together, laughed together. It was really refreshing. And there was a lot of feeling to it.

Where does that honesty go at other times? Afflicted and oppressed seems like strong language for the place that I find myself in and sometimes feel Exodus slips into. Flat or tasteless might be better words. But, as today's verse says, don't ignore that cry anyways. What I truly desire is to be a person in a church that are both filled with the Spirit of the LORD. How can we make more time for that? How can we better bring You into our gatherings, because You are what brings us all together in any case?

I think again it comes back to the honesty thing for Exodus. It is hard to honestly seek You in the presence of others. It feels so private, so, I don't even know how to describe it...vulnerable maybe...but even that doesn't seem like the right description. Honestly seeking You, well, it requires space and time. Both of which we are often reluctant to give. It is more comfortable not to, to not force anything. I just want Your presence in my life and in Exodus. Be there.

I feel like I'm rambling, because I am, thoughts are coming quick and fast and with no order. I love You, my LORD, and I want You to be a bigger reality and force in my life. Not just here in the basement, but going up and out into school, church, family, etc. Show up, I believe that You have not forsaken me. I'm looking forward to seeing where You show up. Let me be before You, seeking You, trusting You.