But I Know I Must Keep Going

It's interesting to me, how I often stumble upon things that are so deep and meaningful among the information that I've looked over hundreds of times. Today as I am sitting here at school preparing for my lesson in Bible class, I see something perfect for me today in the book of James. It's a book that I've taught now for 4 years and it's only 5 chapters, 3 pages long. You'd think I'd have absorbed its information into my life by now.

But no, I must admit like the human I am I always forget. So reading James today I came across these verses at the beginning of the book:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. Those who doubt should not think they will receive anything from the Lord; they are double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Well, what I was going to "preach" to my Bible class is that any struggle we go through is really a trial. So then I began to think, "What are those struggles in my life?" Certainly, this whole seeking You during Lent has been an odd struggle for me. I've lacked meaning for it. I've tried to escape it. I've complained about it. This morning I realized for as much as I talk about struggle being a good thing, a natural thing, a thing that happens in life, that whenever I face struggle I still feel like You've left me.

So my faith is still very much defined by how well life is going for me, how little I'm sinning, how well prayers are being answered. In short, my faith is still about me.

There is a reason for struggle, it's so that I can mature. Every struggle is a joy, because it is the maturation process growing in me. What does in mean to be a mature Christian? Well, it certainly doesn't mean that you've learned how to deal with struggle the best, or that you have no more struggles. I think it must mean that you've come through the most struggles with your faith still intact, even strengthened.

And this struggle for me, well, it's not intense. It's kind of the continuing dull, medium, abstract type of struggle. Nothing is going wrong in earthly terms, and yet I somehow feel overwhelmed. There is a truth of what I want out of You in this whole process. My will is to have You remove that feeling of overwhelming responsibility. But, going back to the other day, my will does not always equal Your will.

So then my next frustration is knowing what Your will is. Maybe it is as simple as my perseverance through a time that You seem distant. Maybe it is the vigor with which I struggle and fight to find You when it seems You've gone away and hid Your face. I don't know.

But I know I must keep going. I know I must keep seeking. I must allow Your will and Your process to continue out in me. Give me that strength Lord.