I Still Might Have to Die

SATURDAY 2.16.08 - HEBREWS 5:7
During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Lord God, I feel like this week I have been offering up fervent cries for myself. Again, as hunger and wanting take on my body, I've tried to figure out just why I undertake this, and what You are going to provide because of it. And as frustration mounted I think that my immediate thought was that You weren't hearing me or You weren't acting on my behalf.

This verse, which brings me back to Joel's sermon a bit, gives me pause. Jesus offered up his prayers to You because You had the power to save him from death, and You heard him because he was submissive, but he still had to die. It was simply that You brought victory out of his pain and death rather than the normal defeat. You did save him from the effects of death, the ultimate effects of death, but not from the process of dying.

I have been having this difficulty knowing if I am submissive this week. I mean, I really haven't changed too darn much in my routine that would make me say I'm submitting to You. All I'm doing differently at all in regards to the fast is not weighing myself. And of course I'm still having trouble with the whole "noticing You" throughout my day thing, not just here in the morning. I have a desire to submit, I just, I don't know exactly what and how. And that's been a bit painful and frustrating...especially when (when I'm honest) I'm fasting and denying myself for the specific purpose of finding these answers. But because of the pain and frustration, I feel like You've not been hearing me. Which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I'm not sure what that is, and then the whole cycle starts over again. It's tough. But my overriding feeling through all of this is that somehow You don't hear me.

As I think through the whole story of the cross, this feeling must have been so intense for Jesus. Here Jesus is, doing everything You asked him too, and when he asks You to save him from death, You won't. It must have felt like You couldn't hear him. "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me." What gut-wrenching words these are, but all the more so when I realize the feelings that I have been having this week, then multiplied by a thousand. Jesus - in the process of submitting - feels like he isn't heard and that You are not with him.

It is a reminder of three things for me.

#1 - My will is not Your will (at least not all the time). This is why I need submission.

#2 - Your will often involves struggle and pain and even death. Perhaps there are ways of thinking or habits that You are killing in me right now with this pain and frustration. Your way isn't always easy answers to passionate cries. Your way isn't always simply saying yes to me.

#3 - To truly submit, I must trust. I must trust that Your will is for the world's best, no matter what it requires of me.

My God, my God, I trust You. Right now, in this moment of learning, I trust You. I want my way to be easy, my questions to be answered, and my load to always be light. Most of all, I long to understand what's going on and why. But not my will, or my way, be done, but Your's, but Your's be done, O LORD.