A Re-Birth

I've been so frustrated lately with the lack of direction in my devotional times Lord. Alright, I admit that with the time crunch that is tennis season, I've had a difficult task in even making time for our daily chats (as is evidenced by my lack of posts). I want to start afresh and anew, but with every attempt to do that I've found that it's usually just words.

Last week, I did a teaching on Passover. It was an eye-opening teaching for myself, seeing all the ways You connecting this original event to the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. But the point that really was amazing to me was the idea of Passover as a re-birth. A new beginning. You instructed the Israelites to start counting their years from the day of Passover. They were given a fresh start.

When I come to You in repentance, I often don't feel like it's a fresh start. I feel like I've done something wrong and I owe You. For example, without consistent time in the Word, I am beginning to feel guilty. I feel like I owe it to You to spend that time in the Word. But just by feeling like I owe that to You, it all becomes a chore instead of a joy. When I fasted, when I started this online conversation with You, these times were a joy, not a chore, not something I had to do. Now even prayer seems difficult, even just reading is joyless.

So its with this shame and guilt that I come into repentance, and it is with shame and guilt that I leave. And shame and guilt are not a powerful motivator. I've learned at school, as we try to figure out a new direction for the school to go, that if you focus on the things that need to change, they actually don't change too much and the whole thing ends up dying. But if you keep attention on where you want to be, what it will look like if you change, that's a much more powerful motivation.

So what do I want to look like at the end of this week? At the end of the month? When Gideon is born? When the church grows a bit more? When I'm the Bible teacher (and not math) at Bethany? Where do I want my energy to truly flow from?

I know what I want to look like today. I want to be re-born. I want to be passed over, protected from the wrath I fear. I want to enter into safety by the blood-stained door and then be sent out in the morning into freedom. Give me this clean sheet, grant me the peace to rest in a re-birth.