Barren

Lord, I'm really trying hard to be alive for You in this Advent season. I'm so intrigued by the idea of waiting for You, the idea that Advent season, when we take it seriously, teaches us to wait in anticipation. To wait in anticipation for Christmas, to wait in anticipation for the coming renewal of all things, but most importantly, to wait in anticipation to see what You are doing in our lives right now.

So, waiting basically is really hard work because nothing seems to be happening. And it's not just me who feels this way. Bryan, who is also trying to take the Advent season very seriously, also feels like this. In some ways, it feels super unfair. We're trying to be committed and take what You say to heart, and yet it feels like Your true presence is far from us. Or worse that we're being ignored.

I know that these times are the hardest for me spiritually. I thrive on being able to feel Your presence, Your leading and direction. Whether that is in the things that I am leading, or in the Bible reading that I do, or whatever else, my faith is built on times of relational closeness with You. When that's not there, I feel dead. And tired. And not really like trying. So it's weird, these past couple weeks, despite the confusion of Your "withdrawl," the deadness, the tiredness, I've tried to push through and see what it is that You want me to hear, what it is that You want me to do.

I'm still waiting.

Maybe that's the point. I am reading this morning through the Christmas story in Luke. I've been wanting to read the gospels again and just finished Matthew, so this morning I started into Luke. I think Luke Christmas story is the most awesome, not because it goes into the most detail about Christ's birth (which it does) but because it also sets up Christ's birth with the birth of John the Baptist, the one who prepares the way for the Lord. I think it is a very neat account in the first chapter of Luke about preparing.

That's kind of what Advent is about to. Well, not kind of. That is what Advent is about. As you wait for Christmas and for Christ to arrive, you prepare yourself and I suppose others for what He is going to do. Okay. So this tale of John the Baptist is crucial in Advent, because this is a tale of waiting and preparation.

As I'm reading, the word that just jumped right off the page at me was barren. "Because Elizabeth was barren..." Just kind of a random word, just factual, informing us why Zechariah and Elizabeth didn't have any children. But very descriptive of where I feel I am at in my waiting and preparation. Interesting to that Elizabeth was barren, the child she does have ends up going to the wilderness to prepare the way for the Lord. He lives in the barren desert. Probably no connection, but it is intriguing to me.

There seems to be many things involved in preparing ourselves and waiting. I am wondering if one of these important elements of waiting is barrenness. Finding yourself in the wilderness, confused and feeling alone. Perhaps it's a lesson of humility, showing us where we get to on our own merit and preparing us to see where God is going to take us.

I am sure it is part of the process, but Lord, I am not okay being here. Please help me to wait in this barren wilderness until You are truly leading me out.