Room to Speak

First of all, let me just say that keeping up a blog, even if it is supposed to be communication between You and me, is hard work. There just doesn't seem to be that much to talk about, even with You.

But this week, ever since studying Scripture with my pastor buddies on Monday night, Your simple (and simply overwhelming) "I am" statement has been just banging around my head. Not in the gentle, "Hum, I wonder..." type of way but in the sledgehammer strong "I demand some answers!" type of thought. Where better to go for answers than some dialogue with You.

(An honest aside: I've come to not really expect straightforward answers from You, but more questions leading me into different trains of thought, provoking more questions...invigorating maybe, but in some sense making things more difficult and confusing in the end. Another thing I've come to notice is that You end up directing me back to some truth that is already present in my life, just not fully developed, appreciated, obeyed or understood.)

(Okay, another honest aside: I've often heard that confession is necessary to kind of clear the air before you have honest discussions with You, God. Well, I've got a couple of confessions to make up for all the time I've not exactly been talking with You. Number one: I've become convinced that You want to be number one in every one's life, and I know that often You've been pushed out of the way lately by many things. Okay, here's the list: pride, sexual sin, sports, laziness, simple distractions, contempt, disinterest. All those things have become more important to me than You. Clear them away. Help me fast from them for awhile, or whatever works. Number two: I still care more about what others think about me than what You want from me.)

But...

You've got to make it clear what You want from me.

I know exactly what pride wants. It wants me to do everything my way and then make sure I get the credit. Or let someone else do everything their way, shirk the blame, and tell everyone how I could have done it better. It happens to me with the tennis program at school. It happens within our Exodus Community gatherings. Point being, it messes with things I really want to succeed. But, I know exactly what to do to be prideful.

Or sexual sin. It wants to be gratified. Whatever way that takes. Making my wife an object, masturbation, pornography, etc. I know that any of these will do. I know exactly what to do.

Or sports. I just need to be involved. Tape the game, talk to people about, visit websites and get the inside scoop. Lose myself into all the minute details of the Chicago Fire, or French Open Championships, or Bethany tennis. I know what it wants.

So what do You want?

Last week on vacation I asked this question, and it seemed that You gave two vague answers.

1. My relationship to You, and to doing Your will, is to be Your servant. To help in the acts that You are already involved in.

2. My job is often to be still and the go fill. That sounds stupid and pragmatic, but I got to admit that it is easy to remember.

Okay, so I guess I do have some answers...but I don't really know how to use them. Okay, I'm supposed to be Your servant. I was so convinced of this that I told everyone in the Exodus Community that that is what we're all supposed to be. And I believe that. I just don't exactly know what it is that we are supposed to serve you in. And be still...okay, just right where I am? Or go down to the dam? Or sit outside? And what am I listening for anyways? Or am I not supposed to listen, just sit and be still and try to think of nothing (which seems literally impossible)? And then fill...wait, what? And specifically, who? And again, once I've got the who, how?

What I know, what I appreciate, is that You are insanely personal. I know You want to work through this with me. And what occurs to me from the "I am" statement is that "You are" working through this with me. Just never as clearly as I may like.

Well, that seemed to be a bunch of madness explaining little. But after having this little piece of honesty with You, I've said my say. All that's been building up in me is out there. So now I'll end this little piece and listen.

I hope You have room to speak.