It's Been a Long Time

It's been a long time since I've been in this space with the LORD. And I've seen the consequences. Less focus, less drive, less communion. What a sorrowful separation it has been. I think of the times when Court and I have been emotionally distant just because we're not involving each other in the day-to-day of life. That's where I am with You right now as well. You are not feeling the day-to-day of my life, and I am not feeling You in my day very often.

I know it is because my eyes and heart are not open. I know it is because discouragement has crept up and into my mind. I know it is because I pursue the things where I feel I am having success instead of addressing the areas that obviously need change. I know it's because I've adopted a comfortably outward theology while still living a comfortably inward lifestyle.

It's amazing the damages that my life feels from the distance. I haven't written a poem since last May, with all the inspiration of summer I am lacking inspiration from You. I haven't finished a book since early Spring, my knowledge and my thirst for it have all been sufficiently stifled. This is not the image I wish to see myself as. I want to be relentlessly pursuing You. I have not been.

How do I become relentless? That's an interesting quality that I would not pick to describe myself as in the least. It sounds somewhat negative. And yet...You are very good at taking negatives, weaknesses and turning them upside down. Perhaps my heart's desire is to be relentless.

When I think of my son, coming in only four more months, and I think of the model that I want to set for him, what does it look like? When he is 25, what will he say his dad was like? What do I want him to say?

Well, loving I suppose is the obvious one...but not to sound arrogant, I know I am going to be a great lover of my children. But that's not all I want to be. Relentless in my pursuit of God, my Lord, the LORD. You. I hope that my son's model for being a man is one defined, wrapped in, dripping with a relentless pursuit of the one and only LORD.

How can I be more relentless? Well...priorities. You and Your way must be in the forefront. Not tennis, not Exodus, not Gideon, not school, not sin. But again, defining myself by what I shouldn't do doesn't always work all that well. So enough not's, as true as they are. What are the do's? What should I pursue?

It's always good to start with the Word, for my journey with Christ starts with those texts. But prayer is always right behind. Yet, I think the key definitely lies in creation and action. It is creation now that I'm lacking, and that holds the spice. I need to honor You with my creativity and with my thoughts. I must hold You there first. So back to the poems, back to the creative Bible lessons, sermons, chapels. Now I am getting excited once again!