Lord, today punched me in the throat. It's one of those days that was not bad. But not bad is obviously not good, or inspiring, or a God moment, or worth fasting for. I know, believe, in my heart of hearts I know that this is not at all about what I'm going to get out of it...but it is. Here I am, day after day sitting at my keyboard waiting to hear what You have to say to me! And what are You saying! Nothing...or worse...be more silent.
What I want is results now. Honestly. I know that You don't work like that but that is the struggle that I'm going through. I do truthfully enjoy "rolling my tongue around the edges" but when I'm not eating, I NEED FOOD from You! This whole thing, twelve days in, just doesn't feel like it is worth it. It feels like the same old except that I'm hungry all the time, and bored all the time. That's not what I entered into this for.
Of course, that is the wrong intentions. Of course, I entered into this because I want to be close to You. But obviously, that wasn't the real truth. I entered into this because I thought it might force You to give us all answers. And maybe I'd be the one to deliver. It's really disappointing to see myself always coming back around to answers...I am just the little child frightened of the unknown. But to be fair, You are calling us into something big and dynamic, something where we will have to rely totally on You. And how do You do this? With very little in the way of practical instructions or open doors.
You say, "Wait. Please wait!" I say, "I'M FREAKING HUNGRY! MAKE THIS THING WORTHWHILE NOW!"
You say, "I understand." I say, "I don't."
You say, "Come closer, sit with me." I say, "Give me a reason to. Give me something."
Lord, touch this heart of mine, hardened as it is. I want to honor You, but I must be honest. Continue to change my belief.
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2 comments:
Sometimes the louder you cry the quieter HE becomes.....I know you know that He loves you all the time. His silence? Hmmmm or maybe He is just whispering.Maybe He just hear your hunger pains.12 days of silence? It is all worth it, every pain is worth it,do you know that you have already grown and that He has used you in a more powerful way than you'll ever know.
You both have changed me,I have become hungry.....Stay hungry Matt
Thank you for your encouragement, and for leaving your comment. I feel tired, but enough that I just need to rest in God and stop searching for what to do all the time. I will stay hungry for a lifetime, I think God made me that way.
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