I Don't Like Jesus

Lord, last week You moved me to read through the book of Luke in order to have a view of Jesus' life. Since my high school days I've had this really weird problem. I love You, Heavenly Father, God of the Old Testament, in all Your passion, love, emotion, disappointment, longing, etc. But I don't like Jesus.

Sometimes Jesus comes off as smug, sometimes unloving, sometimes unfeeling, sometimes creating conflict (which I am petrified of). So as I read through Luke, the same feeling came flooding back over me. What is this all about?

Their was one passage in particular giving me problems. Jesus is reeming out the Pharisees, and one of the scribes say, "Jesus, man, it hurts us to when you say these things." And Jesus turns to him, and then proceeds to rip into them. Ouch. Here's the abbreviated text.

Luke 11:46, 52
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Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering."
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So, my question is why don't I like Jesus. It's become really simple, the reason why: I am an expert in the law.

That's right. In every situation I am looking for what God wants me to do. Every situation. Every revelation of God I look to immediately apply to my life. Now granted the modern church has taught me to do this with all Scripture, apply it directly to what I can do, where it fits in my life. The problem has been Lord, that that exact action separates me from You for most of my life. I come into contact with You and Your unique presence then I run away and try to do what You told me on my own.

What are the scribes, the experts in the law, lacking? Because that is me Lord. Reading this verse its obvious. They have taken away the key to knowledge. What is that key? Proverbs 1:7 - "The beginning of knowledge is fear-of-the-Lord." When I try to put my code of conduct into play, even if its a code of conduct derived from You, I am lacking fear-of-the-Lord. I am separated myself from You.

That's the least of what you wanted. You sent Jesus so that You didn't have to be separated from me anymore. You sent Jesus to teach us how to live in fear-of-the-Lord. That makes life about You. Which it is.

Over and over again I need to learn that I am a small part of what's going on here, a very priveleged but tiny part. Over and over I need to orient my life by You, by reverence, silence, prayer, worship, eucharist...all of which make up this fear-of-the-Lord.