Do and Do, Rule on Rule

"Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule, a little here, a little there."

Hum. Has this become what my faith is to? I just went through at the beginning of the year and instituted a rule of life into my life. Basically my rule has many tiny rules that I try to follow throughout the days and months. Not all of them get accomplished, but it has been a way to bring accountability to my life. Actually, despite the fact that it is do and do, rule on rule, it has been very refreshing.

I wonder then if motivation for the do and do is the problem. In other words, I don't take for granted right now the relationship context of serving You. Everyday I enter the Word and try to be true to pray and sometimes write to You. Perhaps it is when faith becomes completely the doing, and the relationship is left out, that to do and do, rule on rule becomes detrimental.

I've been learning just how much faith is about balance. A balance of knowing and doing, a balance of acting and speaking, a balance of inward reflection and outward activity, a balance of relationship and accountability. It has become obvious that going to extreme in any one thing will throw the wholeness of a person out of whack.

The other thing I've noticed is how hard it is to stay balanced. I'll tell You why: balanced people rarely get noticed. You have to have extreme opinions and be terribly outspoken about them to get a rise out of people. Then, some people will back you up, some people will get mad at you, but you will be noticed. And I believe getting noticed is one of the biggest motivators in our current context. So people of faith often do and do and do and forget to relate to You in rest and comfort because they feel their good deeds may help them receive appreciation.

Let me know I am appreciated for what I do, but more importantly for just who I am. For the time I spend here in the mornings, let me know that You appreciate it. No one else has to notice. For my dedication to my rule of life, let me know that You appreciate it. For attempts to be a man of prayer, to rest in You, to truly know You, let me know I'm appreciated. For I love You, and certainly appreciate Your character and the actions that have flowed from that.

Job 9-10

Lord God, one of the things that I have put a lot of faith in through the years, especially this past year, is that You are good. Your will is always for the good of every situation, and so that is what we try to work toward in the call to be Your disciples. Yet in my reading today, Your goodness is the very thing that Job is calling into question.

Sure, he's willing to concede that You created everything and that You are all powerful and that You exist. These things seem like givens to him. In fact, even though he doesn't believe, or is struggling to believe, that You are good, Job is still able and willing to worship You.

I find it interesting that in today's society, we don't take for granted the things that Job did. Regularly You are brought into question as being the creator of the world. Often times, even Christian and Jewish scholars will argue that You are not all powerful and that is why evil exists in the world. And atheists are now going on "missionary" voyages to spread the message that You don't exist.

I guess, I'm like Job. I take for granted that You are, that You are powerful and that You created everything. But sometimes I struggle with whether everything You do is for the good. Now, let me clarify with You, right now You and I are in really good standing. I am more trusting of You than I've been in a while, and You've repeatedly shown me Your good over the course of the last year. So I'm not questioning right now. I'm just willing to admit that I have.

It seems stupid now, but when Andrew lost in the first round of regional for tennis, I questioned big time then. Of course, I've since come to realize that there were two teams at play there, two players in that match, and You love all of them. But at the time I was thinking what a heartbreak it was to my brother, and You let it happen. And there are more examples like that. Why do You do those things?

But I've come to be content that there is a mysterious mixing of spiritual events and personal choices that actually control what's going on in reality. Most evil comes as a result of poor personal choices, or poor societal choices, or the fallen nature of man in general. If it is bad, even if it is affecting the innocent, it can probably be traced back to man. If it is good, it can probably be traced back to You.

So, I'm going to write a poem questioning Your goodness, because it is a great topic and brought up here by Job. But just know, my prayer from experience is: "God is good, all the time."

Planning and Alloting

It's difficult for me to get into a worshipping mood, even a prayerful mood, following the book of Joshua. Today's reading it wasn't violent, it was just... boring, allotment of land. Now, trust me, I believe that I'm not the person who needs to be entertained all the time. But, I'll admit that my Bible reading goes a lot better when there is some action.

My life has plenty of action right now, plenty of plans that need to be made, and I'm already quite tired of them. I tell you the truth, planning is not my forte. I wish my wife could take some of those duties off my plate. Just this week I need to plan or help plan all my lessons, concession stand duty for tonight, tennis open court tomorrow morning, a two Chapel series on sexuality, this Sunday's Exodus service, and next week's Spiritual Life Week at Bethany. God help me not become overwhelmed. God help me to get things done. God grant me some peace in the planning.

My heart tugs me to work on some more creative elements. I want to work on poetry, I want to design Bethany tennis gear (although I'm realizing design is better left to Bryan), I want to put time into some more narrative study of the Bible. These all seem like good things but they get lost in the time squash. I like the part of Bryan's rule of life that said he was going to take time each week to be creative. I'd like to extend that from a minimum amount of time to like a full day. How awesome would it be to have one day of work a week where I just got to be creative? Make creative lesson plans, write poetry, learn to play the guitar better, keep up the tennis website with interesting graphics and articles.

Yea, I do wish I had time for my wants. But, I know that you are teaching me something about the obligations. About responsibility. And that is important I'm sure. Let me learn from the normal stuff, the allotment of land and the planning of chapels, and in these responsibilities come closer to You.

Regular Life

I don't really know where to begin today. You know how they say that when things are going good in life it is hard to rely on You? I guess I'm fighting that temptation right now. I mean, things aren't all time perfect: I'm sick and very tired after a fairly long week, classes at school are starting to get to me, I forgot (again) to get a head start on planning Spiritual Life Week. So I've got plenty of stresses that You could help me out with.

The thing is that they feel a lot like my responsibilities, so I feel like I shouldn't bring those things before You. I am the one who procrastinates, I am the one who chooses to get up early in the morning, etc. And yet, since these are still real parts of my life, I do want You to walk through them with me.

And besides that, nothing has to be wrong for me to pray to You, at least that's the way that it should be. I have such a hard time just relaying life to You. I think my number one tag for posts on this site is "frustration." That's pretty remarkable, that I always come to You frustrated. I'm sure that gets tiring for You, as if You are a container to hold all my confessions and places where I've been wronged. I mean, that would kind of relegate You to my psychologist, rather than my Father, wouldn't it?

On the other hand, while I die to tell You of victories, I haven't felt the true joy of anything specific lately. Well, I guess yesterday I did achieve a victory in keeping my "Rule of Life." I desperately wanted to spend some money on Bruno's Pizza for lunch, and I didn't have any except the "house money" leftover from my Menard's trip. Part of my Rule is that I won't spend any money without direct permission from Courtney. But I contemplated and contemplated just going over to Bruno's because she would never know. And yet I didn't. It was very satisfying to know I have some bit of discipline within me.

I also got to go back through the poems that I have written to and about You in the past year. It's fun. I do love You in all Your complexity and ever changing angles. I like the fact that You're not static and neither is Your Word. Together, as one, You are penetrating, convicting, and more importantly to me, inspiring.

And so in mundane life, this was my mundane prayer. I have to say though, with no crisis looming and no mountain top victory, life is still very good. Wife, son, house, job...these things cannot be underestimated. I love You Lord. Thank You for life!

Toss and Turn Until Dawn

Job 7-8

What appropriate verses these were! They would have been even more amazingly accurate last night, but, still...

"When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn."

The first two nights of this week I have had so much trouble sleeping, and this has been exactly my problem. I'm worried about the day, my lesson plans, not being prepared for the students when they come, and so I toss and turn and lose myself in thought about what I'm going to do. It wasn't a fun couple of days, I even had to end up sleeping on the couch, which was a bummer because I like waking up next to my sweet wife.

This making an effort to be with You in the morning, before my day really begins, it's taking a toll on me. It is difficult to get up every morning with short hours of sleep, to leave my wife lying in bed still, to know that almost everyone that I know is still in bed, to know that almost everyone I know thinks I'm crazy for getting up so early. To know that the only thing standing between me and sleep is this time with You. Sometimes, that can make me bitter and complainy like Job.

Truth is, I enjoy the sacrifice. When I have the rest of my life in order, school work is ready, the teaching is prepared, and I'm not procrastinating about something, when that is all true I love these mornings. I usually sleep well before them and then don't mind rising to speak with You (and hopefully have You speak to me). When I'm stressed in other areas, when I let fear overtake me, then that is when I toss and turn and am more tired and then resent these times. Truth be told, You are completely reliable, something that never changes and never disappoints when I am free from fear and worry.

I was on one of the websites I follow daily about college basketball yesterday. The guy just lost his job with ESPN and has been getting many emails from followers of his blog saying, "Don't give up." And so he wrote a response about how he keeps himself from ever giving up. Whenever he feels that temptation to pack it all in, he says to himself, "Don't be afraid."

I could use that. I don't know the religious views of this blogger, but because of You I know I can say that. If fact, that is a major theme of the gospel, "Rejoice, for I have overcome the world." So when I toss and turn, let me remember. When I am angry about getting up, let me remember. When I am tired and dread the onslaught of students into my classroom, let me remember. A simple phrase, "Don't be afraid." Let that be a prayer, that you will continually make me strong and courageous.

Provision and Safety

Today I read from the book of Joshua, which if I'm being honest Lord, is really a difficult book to get into after the first couple of chapters. What I'm realizing as I read this year is what kind of books I really like and what kind of books I don't care for. I mean, I'm working through the year on a "Literature Style" plan of reading through the Bible. And what I've found so far is that I am really fond of the poetry, Psalms, prophecy and gospels and I don't get all that excited when I see that it's a day for reading the history books of the Bible.

What do you do with the splitting up of land? How do you look at that hermeneutically? What does the fact that the tribe of Judah was given 29 towns and cities in the hill country do to build up my faith? How can I enact or put into practice the wiping out of everyone who is breathing from the towns that God delivers into my hands? I mean, I'm being sarcastic because these things aren't necessarily here as part of the text for me to emulate, but that brings me back to my original question, what do I do with these texts?

I suppose, after I stop whining, that these passages are about receiving what You have given. And You've been very good in what You have given to me. I have a wife who loves me and a son who ran across the basement last night to give me a hug when he got home. You've given me a home, You keep the heat working, because You know how our old furnace just likes to up and quit every now and again. You've given me a church community that challenges me to grow.

Do I do what I can to protect the things You've given me from spiritual danger? I don't want to spiritualize the text from Joshua too much, but I think the reason they annihilated everyone was to keep the land from being overwhelmed with idols. To keep the land that You had given them "spiritually" safe. What do I do to keep my family and church "spiritually" safe? This is actually a great question, because I can't come up with a solid answer quickly. It's making me think. It's also making think, what am I supposed to do?

Since I have no answers this morning, keep these questions before me throughout the day.

Psalms 3-5

I feel like sleeping for an extended period of time Lord. I don't know how long I can keep up this early morning ritual of getting to the gym for an hour, having tennis practice, and all the other things that I'm responsible for. Right now I'm so tired I can hardly even bring myself to type. Any time I stop to think I find myself staring off into the blank walls of the office.

But these are the sacrifices I make for You. I hope my dreariness on many days reminds You and communicates clearly how much I love You and how much I believe that our relationship and Your Word is what makes me truly healthy. I can stare blankly around the room, have difficulty concentrating, write a blog entry that seems to be a waste of time, and yet, it is all for You. So somehow that makes this time a little bit easier to bear but still...

The psalms I read today were all psalms of the "cry." David asking God to deliver him from his enemies or thanking God for deliverance from his enemies. I find it very comforting how many of these psalms are disgruntled yet hopeful cries for You to act in Your power within the realm of life. Then it seems like most of the rest of these ancient prayers are thanks for the times that you did act and praise for the love that saves us.

So this entry is my cry, save me from my tiredness and lack of sleep. Give me a quiet evening or a two-hour delay of school. This is my true prayer this morning. At least for me. Lord, in my tiredness don't let me forget my responsibilities to be an agent of Your love.