Joy

I used to be a big-time optimist. I still am, but things have been muted through the years of dealing with the ups and downs of life. I tend to look on the bright side, but I certainly go through periods of life where I just get tired and exhausted of being the one with hope. And sometimes, I think when I'm stressed and without hope, I'm probably a bit more trying to be around.

Recently, another member of our church had a miscarriage. Now, I know these are "fairly" common, but I have been having a hard time being close to You when I know this has happened. Despite teaching my 7th graders yesterday that God doesn't make bad things happen, that instead You simply come in and make as much good from the chaos as possible, I still have a hard time believing that at times myself. So, I've been a bit morose lately.

This might seem like a weird way to start a post that entitled joy, but last night before I went to bed, I realized that what these situations have taken away from me isn't necessarily my hope and optimism, it is the joy with which I used to deal with things. Life is going to be difficult at times, but so much better to face the voids and mistreatments with joyful hope rather than exhausted, acknowledge-hope-with-my-lips-and-not-my-attitude-or-actions hope.

So, I wrote the word joy on a piece of paper I have in my room for writing down ideas that come to me while I'm trying to sleep, so I don't forget them the next morning. And then I smiled and went to sleep. This morning, as I came out to the living room to talk to You, I'm humming and singing a song (I don't think it is a real song!) that I just woke up singing.

"Joy! Joy! Welling up in my heart..."

You work fast Lord, so very fast. When I finally find what to ask for, You do not delay but You provide. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Continue to give me hope and joy welling up in my heart!

A Gift

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Sabbath. Yesterday was a wonderful day, spending time with Gideon (even though he was sick), spending time with my wife, watching the Selection show, and simply resting. It felt great to take a break from all stress related things and just enjoy my family.

Sometimes, Lord, I forget what a good God You are. What I mean by that is that sometimes I forget that while You spend much of Your time working for the good, it doesn't always feel like "working." So often, in the Bible and in my life, You have gifted me pleasurable and leisurely experiences. Like Sabbath.

It seems that when things are properly balanced in my life, I enjoy most of the things in my life. When tennis workouts don't last into the evenings, I enjoy them. When I can contain my schoolwork to school, I enjoy it. When my church responsibilities don't impinge on my family time, I enjoy them. When I keep things in their proper place, I find that I actually enjoy them.

Which, I guess, is what Sabbath is really about. It's trusting You enough to say that if I take a day and enjoy my family and friends and food, then the other things will still be able to be taken care of... just in their time and in their place. It's saying that the grades I don't have done will get done, just not today. It's trusting that I will have enough time to tackle my other responsibilities if I keep them in the other six days. And, I guess, I trust that.

And I thank You for being a God of enjoyment! Continue to help me balance life, and therefore enjoy it all the more!

A Song for the Day

Jesus, be the center.
Be my source,
Be my light, Jesus.

Jesus, be the center.
Be my hope,
Be my song, Jesus.

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live

Jesus, be my vision.
Be my help,
Be my guide, Jesus.

Jesus, be the center.
Be my source,
Be my light, Jesus.

All for You

Last week ended very well, and the weekend was fantastic. Thank You for that.

Right now, I'm facing a challenge that seems to come and go throughout my life. It's not a bad thing, and I'm not complaining. What I'm saying is come help me deal with this. Throughout my everyday life, I've got things that I'm responsible for. And I want them to go well. Classes, tennis, Exodus, a marriage, a family, things like these. I don't think there is any way in which success in these areas is a bad thing.

But sometimes, my desire for success in these areas takes me away from You. For example, this weekend my wife and I got away. Went up to Michigan, stayed at a Bed and Breakfast, enjoyed one another's company and relaxed. It was a really great weekend to focus on the relationship that we have with one another, and it went really well. But I didn't focus on my relationship with You very well.

I can hear Your answer loud and clear, and it would have been awesome to have this conversation before I went away with my wife. Integrate You into these other desires. When focusing on my wife, we probably both could have focused on You. It would have sharpened our connection with one another even more. I mean, we prayed together, but think about what couples devotions or even just talking about our relationships with You would have done to bring us closer.

Of course, You are kind of an awkward topic to just bring up. And if things aren't going well, or one of us is feeling distant from You then... it is really hard to talk about. And that's with my wife. What happens when I try to integrate You into the tennis team, and no one cares.

But I know how You work. I've seen it before. If I ask You to be there, You will be there. You are always looking to be with us, make Yourself known. You are scary powerful, and so I pray that You enter these situations and show us Your favor. But right now, before I forget or do anything else, I want You to be the focus of these specific desires of mine, these areas of my life. I want them to be all for You, and then You can define what success means within them as You work among us.

1. My marriage.
2. My family.
3. Exodus.
4. Bethany Christian Tennis.
5. My classes.

Be the center of each of those areas. Be my affirmation and my end goal. Take these things of my life and "let them be ever, only, all for Thee."

Facing the Dryness of Apathy

Okay, so I still need to work on that confidence part from yesterday. I went to school thinking that You would be my support and that I'd be able to face up to anything. But then one 7th grader's attitude just sucked all the life out of me, and I had trouble getting that life back.

It seems to me that apathy is the "dry and weary land where there is no water" that I read about today in Psalm 63. Yesterday, while my soul longed to be with You, I found myself fighting against the dryness. And that fight and the apathy, well, my confidence shriveled.

Not that I'm blaming You for that. I know that You are right there, like a glass of tall water. It's just that somehow I'm not accessing that cool spring of living water. I'm not getting the refreshment that an encounter with You can give.

And yet I love You and know the promise that Your presence holds. I know You are helping through a period of maturing, perhaps this whole fight to get to Your fountain will help me begin to develop perseverance.

Thanks for always dealing with us as a loving Father. Please, take my life and mold it to be ever more like that.

Even Then I Will Be Confident

Lord, I love the Psalms. The more I read of them, the more beautiful I find them. I think, especially when I am just reading one a day, I find the beauty and the imagery fascinating. It makes them even more prayerful for me, and inspiring.

Today, it's the second week through the Lent readings. So it is Psalm 27 for the second time. And as I read it, several things jumped out to me. First of all, I've been trying this week to treat the people who annoy, challenge, and try to take advantage of me like my family, with love. And of course, as I began to attempt to reach out in love to one student who gets on my nerves, another one made me furious yesterday. Like calm down, take deep breaths furious.

And I feel like I'm at my wit's end with him, so I sent him out in the hall. I calmed down, and then I tried to do my best to love him. Went out of my way to solve the problem that he was bringing up. And he was still indignant and ungrateful after I did so... but isn't that what God's family is all about, didn't Luke 6 say specifically that God is merciful to the ungrateful?

The hard part is to not feel defeated, because that's what I felt like in the end. A push over. Even though I had made the choice to love, I still felt weak. But the Psalm today was all about confidence.

"The Lord is my light and salvation - whom shall I fear?"

"When my enemies and foes attack me... even then I will be confident."

"I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord..."

When loving those who don't always respond lovingly toward me, I need to remember these passages You've inspired. Why should I be afraid? I will be confident in my Lord. You give me the support of a merciful Father, so let me see that face, let me feel Your support.

And thank You in advance, because I am confident it will be there!

Building

So, I think that I've discovered some things that I need to say "yes" to. This week, the text for Exodus was Luke 6, basically Luke's version of the Sermon on the Mount. One of Luke's key elements to the sermon is basically the idea of love; love defines the Kingdom that You are always building, and especially love towards those that oppose, annoy, hold back, deny, or hate us.

I don't think that I have any one who hates me. And unlike the Jewish people the sermon was delivered to, I don't have any racial group that I detest. But certainly there are those who drive me nuts and who I don't want to be around. My challenge this week has been to think through how I can love them. And not just a little bit, but instead, like my family. Because that's what the Sermon on the Mount, Luke's version, is really asking.

And so, I came up with several ideas. Eating lunch with a specific student one day, sacrificing my lunch another day for a men's prayer group, and then I need to try to reach out to the 7th graders and I haven't quite figured that one out yet. But my prayer today is that You will either bless these ideas or show me a better way. Show me better ideas. 

I don't want to be a hypocritical pastor, one who tells his congregation, "Think about this," and then just let myself off the hook. I need to work on loving just as much as everyone else. Give me that strength, Lord. Give me that support of a merciful Father as my foundation. Then let me build on it.